JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  “Are you sure you’re all right?” said Beryl, as she helped me into the passenger seat of her Fiat 500 Abarth.

  “I’m fine Beryl, I’m ready for this,” I said. I breathed out cold night air as I looked up to the dark clouds above.

  “Should we head straight for Downing Street now?” said Beryl as she turned on the car and began backing out.

  “Yes.”

  “What are you going to say to the Prime Minister?” said Beryl.

  “I don’t know, I haven’t thought of that yet. I’ve been thinking more of how we’re going to get to the Prime Minister,” I said.

  “Okay, so how are we going to do that?” said Beryl.

  “Park on the other side of St. James’ park. We’ll cross the park and move towards Downing Street via rooftop. I’ve read up on a cloaking spell that will hide us from cameras,” I said.

  “Okay then, let’s do this,” said Beryl.

  As she drove slowly out of the carpark a man appeared out of the shadows and looked deeply into our car. He lurched towards us trying to get a good look at our faces. As he got closer, I gasped a little.

  “It’s Darius,” I said. His eyes opened in shock at seeing us and he began clumsily fumbling around in his pockets.

  “He’s got his magical object back!” said Beryl as Darius pointed it at us.

  “Go! Go! Go!” I shouted and Beryl pressed down hard on the accelerator. A flash of light flew out of Darius’ plumbing piece and crashed into a stationary car. I looked behind me as he signaled towards a car and then jumped in. I saw the car rev hard and speed off towards us.

  “We’ve got to move, Beryl,” I said.

  They had a large BMW sedan and it was zooming right up behind us. The driver had that unmistakable red hair of Jasper and he looked angry.

  “They’re coming after us, they’re about to ram us,” I said.

  “Relax, this little car has a lot more guts than you’d think,” said Beryl. She suddenly kicked the car down to second gear and screeched hard around a corner, then thrust her foot down on the throttle and sped off down the street. Once I recovered from being thrown around a bit, I looked behind to see the BMW fumble its way around the corner and then race off after us.

  “Maybe we should stop and face them?” I said.

  “Sean, I’m not saying we can’t face Darius and Jasper, we could. But we need both of us tonight if we’re going to break into 10 Downing Street. On the off chance one of those two amateurs get the better of us than this whole thing we’ve been doing would be for nothing. Sit back and relax. I’m going to lose them,” said Beryl, as she screeched around another corner.

  We were flying around London. I had never seen Beryl drive like this, never mind Jasper.

  “Did you and Jasper go on some special driver ed. course that you didn’t tell me about?” I said, nervously.

  “Hold on, Sean,” said Beryl.

  “Hold on? I am holding on!” I said. We suddenly screeched around a short street and it seemed for a moment that Beryl had lost control of the car as we whipped around 180 degrees facing the other way and still kept moving to the edge of the road where other cars were parked. The car was going in sideways in between two large parked vans and then suddenly stopped. The car shuddered a little as we stopped for a moment, barely fitting into this tiny spot. It wasn’t long before Jasper’s BMW came flying around the corner in pursuit. I watched in amazement as his car’s engine revved heavily as he sped off down past us and down the road. Then the inevitable happened, police sirens. The London police were off after Jasper and left us alone.

  “All right?” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, you?” I said, breathing heavily.

  “Fine, that was fun,” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, where’d you learn to drive like that?” I said.

  “Jasper and I took an advanced driver ed. course together back in high school while you were away in Tenerife with your parents,” said Beryl.

  “Oh,” I said. “So how are we going to get out of this parking spot?”

  Beryl looked at me and rolled her eyes. She pulled out her Harry Potter book.

  “Air ais,” said Beryl. The van in front suddenly jolted backwards smashing into the car behind it giving us room to move out.

  “Hey, you just spoke Gaelic,” I said.

  “Yes, I’ve decided to start using the Celtic spells from your father’s book rather than the previous enchantments I’ve used,” said Beryl. “I’ve been trying a few out. They work just fine.”

  Funnily enough, Beryl then edged her small Fiat out of the parking bay and carefully took off down the road. This was it, we had lost our chasers and no doubt they were in further trouble themselves right now with the police.

  I was unsure how the events of the night were going to play out, but I was certain of our cause. Now was the time for wizards, now was the time for magic to rule the world, magic would solve all and I would be the one top –

  “Let’s play a game,” said Beryl interrupting my train of thought.

  “Oh, okay, what game?” I said.

  “You know, thought it would be good to pass the time, rather than letting our thoughts get away with us,” said Beryl. “Let’s see who knows the weirdest Harry Potter facts. You have to try and best the other person.”

  “Um, okay then. Are you sure, I know a lot of facts though,” I said.

  “Sure, sure. I’ll go first,” said Beryl. “Did you know that Harry Potter and JK Rowling share the same birth date?”

  “Ah yes, I had forgotten about that fact,” I said.

  “July 31st,” we both said at the same time laughing.

  “Okay, okay, you’ve got me going now, my turn,” I said. “Did you know that Harry Potter’s eyes were described as ‘bright green’ in the books, but Daniel Radcliffe has blue eyes.”

  “Of course I do, Rowling apparently didn’t mind at all either, as long as the person who played Harry’s mother had the same eyes as Harry,” said Beryl.

  “Well, we are barely challenging each other here, your turn. Come on, try me,” I said.

  “When Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was released-”

  “The publisher asked book stores to not begin selling it until school had finished to avoid truancy,” I said interrupting. “Wow, we spent way too much of our childhood obsessed with Harry Potter.”

  The conversation continued like this, until we parked a couple of streets from St. James’ park.

  Chapter 28

  Downing Street

  Right in the middle of London was St James Park. A colony of pelicans, oddly not native to England, swam across the lake that inhabited the park. The option of taking the ceremonial road to Buckingham Palace was there, but we didn’t need to take over the Royal family who no longer had the power that they once did in the middle ages, no we needed the Prime Minister, so we were heading towards the opposite side of the park.

  A couple of squirrels went scuttling across the path in front of us as we made our way out of the park onto Horse Guard Road, right outside the Foreign Office. This was where we would make our ascent.

  “Are you ready?” I said.

  “Yes,” replied Beryl. I took her hand.

  “Fly mar eun,” I said waving my umbrella. We suddenly began to float above the ground high above the street and onto the roof of the foreign office. A person who was walking on the street looked up in horror at seeing us suddenly floating upward.

  “Sean, I think you forgot that cloaking spell,” said Beryl.

  “Oh yes,” I said.

  “Sgàilean,” I said. Beryl and I then vanished from sight. The woman who had seen us, seemed to then sigh in relief and then walked away fast.

  We floated to the top of the roof of the foreign office. Looking down over St James Park towards Buckingham Palace was quite a sight. I wondered if I would ever be required to meet the Queen.

  “We should make ourselves the first Minister of Magic,” said Beryl.

  �
�I think that would be quite fitting,” I said.

  “Not so fast. Homenum revelio,” it was Darius and he used a counter spell that revealed Beryl and I.

  “Darius,” I said.

  “Hello, nephew, hello, Beryl,” said Darius.

  “Good evening, Sean and Beryl. Old friends,” said Jasper walking up next to Darius holding his asthma inhaler.

  “How very interesting to find you here on top of the roof of the foreign office, so close to Downing Street,” said Darius. My umbrella was poised to strike.

  “You’re in our way, Darius,” I said.

  “In your way? What on Earth are you planning to do?” said Darius.

  “Okay, you’ve got us, Darius,” said Beryl. “But you can’t defeat us.”

  I could visibly see the disgruntled look on Darius’ face that showed he was hurt by Beryl’s comment. He knew it to be true.

  “You have two options here, Darius and Jasper. The first is, you leave quietly and we never see you again, or, you join us,” said Beryl.

  “Join you in what?” said Darius.

  “The first takeover of Britain by wizards,” I said.

  “You must be kidding me? You’re going to take over the country, have you gone mad?” said Darius.

  “You truly are a dark wizard,” said Jasper.

  “Perhaps, or am I simply moving magic into the forefront of people’s lives?” I said. “My plan is to make magic the answer to all of life’s troubles.”

  “Led by you, of course,” said Jasper.

  “It will be hard to convince the people of Britain that magic is the way, so it will be done subtlety to begin with, slowly bringing it into the lives of the UK until it is finally the right time,” I said. All four of us now had our magical objects ready in a standoff.

  “What’s it going to be guys?” said Beryl.

  “What about option 3?” said Darius.

  “Don’t choose option 3, Darius, because that means you die,” said Beryl. It was a tense moment. Spells flooded my mind, ready to explode. How much longer was I going to give them, was I holding on too long? Could I end the life of my fellow wizards?

  “Relashio!” said Darius. He aimed his plumbing pipe at an angled piece of rooftop, the spell bounced off it and smacked straight into me. I immediately let go of my umbrella, and fell backwards. My umbrella had landed some distance from me as I groaned in pain from the impact.

  “Bàs luath,” said Beryl, reacting instantly. A murky looking spell slithered out of Beryl’s book and then at lightning speed zoomed at Darius, he was about to try and repel it, but he was too late. It smashed into his sternum and Darius took his last breath and fell limp onto the rooftop tiles.

  “You-you killed him,” said Jasper feebly. I managed to pull myself up and Beryl came over and handed me my umbrella.

  “Out of our way Jasper,” said Beryl, as we walked past him as he pathetically held out his asthma inhaler shaking. I noticed a single tear stream down Jasper’s face.

  “It is our choices, Harry, that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities,” said Jasper.

  “Are you joking, you’re quoting Dumbledore to me now?” I said.

  “It’s true though, Sean, what is this choice your making? You’re planning on becoming an overlord. You are Voldemort,” said Jasper.

  “They’re just books, Jasper. This is real. There are real problems in the world that the characters in the books ignored and they could have easily resolved with magic. I’m doing what the books should have done, use magic to solve them and make the world a better place,” I said.

  “Yes, but you as the ruler,” said Jasper.

  “Maybe, Jasper, maybe initially. But eventually we will all be wizards and witches,” I said.

  “Or just wizards,” said Beryl. “Remember we are gender neutral.”

  “Right, exactly,” I said.

  “Dumbledore is right though, you might have greater abilities than me, but I am making the right choice and standing up to you,” said Jasper raising his inhaler.

  “Dumbledore was a goat shagger,” I said.

  “That is an unsubstantiated rumour and you know it,” said Jasper.

  “It was basically said by Rowling herself,” I said.

  “Inferred Sean, it was inferred as a joke at a fan book questioning time,” said Jasper.

  “No, its real, Rowling just played it down because there were children in the audience and she didn’t want to say it as they probably would not have understood,” I said.

  “Guys, guys, please,” said Beryl. “We’re standing on top of the foreign office. We can debate Harry Potter another time. What’s it going to be Jasper? Are you with us?”

  “We were supposed to be the good guys. Not the bad ones,” said Jasper.

  “There are no bad wizards or good wizards. It’s always complicated,” I said. “Look at Star Wars. If you read the books, you’ll see that after the Empire was defeated there were people in the galaxy that actually preferred the Empire and were benefitting from them. So in reality the Empire wasn’t actually all that bad and was doing really well for some people.”

  Beryl and Jasper were just looking at me confused.

  “What?” said Beryl. “Star Wars?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You like Star Wars?” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, doesn’t everyone?” I said.

  “We’re Potterheads, Sean, not Star Wars geeks,” said Beryl. “When did you become a Star Wars fan?”

  “I’ve always been a fan, probably even before Harry Potter,” I said.

  “Oh my God,” said Beryl. “You’ve never thought to mention this.”

  “We’ve watched some of the movies together, I thought it was obvious.”

  “No, everyone watches them though, but only true geeks really think about it like you did and then read the books,” said Beryl.

  “Well, I needed something to read after I read all the Harry Potter books 10 times over,” I said.

  “Never mind,” said Jasper. “Star Wars or Harry Potter or even Star Trek.”

  “Well hang on there, now we’re talking,” I said.

  “What, Star Trek too?” said Jasper.

  “Oh yeah, live long and prosper,” I said.

  “I feel like I don’t know you,” said Beryl.

  “Anyway, you’re right Sean that is all fiction all made up, but you know what isn’t made up? Magic, it’s real, and also the fact that you murdered Darius that is also not made up.”

  “That’s true,” I said. “But that was Beryl that did that.”

  “It doesn’t matter, you’re an accomplice. And this is over now,” said Jasper. I noticed a glint in Jasper’s eye. He was getting ready to attack.

  “Confringo!” said Jasper.

  “Tha Ma a ‘briseadh!” I said, just in time. Orange magic burst out of both of our magical objects and smashed into each other. There locked in combat above the foreign office our magic battled each other for control of the spell.

  It was hard to hold as I felt the pressure building on my umbrella. I had to use all of my strength to keep myself from toppling. I too could see Jasper holding the spell through gritted teeth.

  “Remember, there are two of us, Jasper. Aguamenti!” said Beryl. A jet of water shot out of her Harry Potter book and smashed into Jasper who went flying backwards hitting the floor hard. Her groaned in agony, drenched.

  I was still casting the spell though and I lost control as the pressure eased with Jasper being blasted away. My umbrella swung around violently out of control and I directed the spell towards a brick chimney that Jasper had landed next to. The spell hit the chimney causing it crumble and break. The bricks fell devastatingly on top of Jasper. He was buried underneath the rubble.

  “Is he dead?” I said.

  “What do you think Sean?” said Beryl. She put her arm around me and we hugged.

  “I know he was a pain in the arse, but I didn’t want it to end like this,” I said.

&n
bsp; “Man up, Sean, there was always going to be casualties in this cause, people who don’t believe in the true power of magic,” said Beryl.

  “But Jasper?” I said.

  “I know, I know,” said Beryl.

  “Oi! What are you doing up here?” I turned to see a police officer who had climbed up onto the roof.

  “Fuaraich!” I said instantly. The police fell back knocked out.

  “They’re on to us,” said Beryl. “Get ready for a fight, our cover has been blown.”

  We ran across the roof to Downing Street. I could hear shouting as our presence became known. We finally came to edge of the roof and looked down on Downing Street. Police officers were scurrying around the street.

  “Dealan as àirde,” I said pointing my umbrella down on the street that housed powerful members of the British parliament. A huge wavering thunder of magic gushed out of my umbrella on the street. Police officers fell to the ground completely unconscious. The spell worked perfectly. I grabbed Beryl’s hand. It was my turn to be the reassuring one.

  “Ready?” said Beryl.

  “Of course,” I said. “A ‘gluasad sios.”

  I waved my umbrella around Beryl and then opened it up. Just like Mary Poppins, Beryl and I glided down to Downing Street. We stepped over the unconscious police officer and strode towards number 10.

  A policeman was always stationed outside number 10, but in this case, he was laid across the ground completely passed out. We stepped over him and stood outside the dark wooden door. A light calmly glowed from inside lighting up the arched window above the door. I took a deep breath, we were there, finally about to put into place a change that would revolutionalise the United Kingdom and then the world.

  “Here we go,” I said. I reached for the door knob in the centre of the door, but before I could grab it the door opened. Both Beryl and I gasped.

  “Hello Sean, hello Beryl.”

  “JK Rowling,” I said. There stood in front of us was the great wordsmith herself. Dressed in a wonderful, flowing brown coat with gold emblem pattern. Her long blond hair was impeccably groomed and blew softly in the wind as if magically enchanted.

  “I didn’t expect you to get this far. I thought Darius would have dealt with you,” said JK Rowling.