Am I supposed to ask him? Or would that make me look like I’m coming on a little too strong? One thing that I do know is that we both seem pretty comfortable together right now, just the way we are.
Why say something that could possibly change all that?
Present Day
My ears are still pounding and my head’s spinning at an alarming rate. I feel like any second now I could physically pass out.
How the hell can this be happening? This has got to be some kind of sick and twisted joke, or some messed up crazy dream. It’s the only possible explanation that I can think of right now.
Any minute now and I’ll wake up in the hotel room, just like I did this morning. Hannah will be flapping about anything and everything and I’ll be trying my best to calm her down.
Bloody nerves.
I knew something like this would happen. Nerves can actually do some pretty crazy shit to you and right now, I’m the living bloody proof.
I wait…
And wait…
And wait some more…
I open my eyes and look right in front of me. Hannah’s still getting married before me. I’m still wearing a dress and time seems to be moving as it should, but it can’t be right. This can’t be real. It’s just not possible.
Bollocks.
I’m not waking up and I need to wake up right now. Why, oh why am I not waking up from this nightmare? This is actually happening and there’s not a goddamn thing that I can do about it.
Jake…
He’s here. But why is he here? After all these years, why has he suddenly appeared behind me, at my bloody best friend’s wedding of all places?
I can still feel his intense gaze burning into the back of me and I know that I can’t turn around again. To look at him after all this time, just knowing that he’s so close has my heart breaking all over again.
My eyes linger on Hannah and no matter how much I try to fight it, my eyes betray me as the hot, salty tears of my past slowly, yet violently roll down my cheeks.
It doesn’t make it any easier to know that he’s still watching me. I can feel him, just like I always could. How did Hannah not know that it was Jake?
…My Jake?
I try to focus all my attention on my beautiful best friend stood before me. Today is her special day; a day that she has been dreaming about for years and the last thing that she needs right now is me having a complete meltdown and ruining it all for her.
What kind of friend would I be if I ruined her day just because I wasn’t strong enough to hold it all together? A bloody shitty, selfish one, that’s what I’d be. Instead, I take some deep, calming breaths and count to ten, hoping and praying that it will help.
I vaguely hear Hannah and Daniel exchange their vows and I know that there’s not a single dry eye in sight. They really are perfect together. I don’t think I have ever witnessed two people more in love with each other than these two.
Maybe I could have had that kind of love, but I didn’t have a choice when that possibility got ripped away from me a long time ago. Instead, all I’ve experienced is my fair share of cheating arseholes along the way. Not to mention a couple of deadbeats that were thrown into the mix. You know, the ones who expect you to pay and provide for their existence in life. Hell no, none of those guys are right for me. Now where are my singles ladies at? Let me see you.
Now, my sole purpose for breathing, the one who taught me what it was like to feel and to love, but who also taught me what it was like to have your heart ripped out and experience pure, raw heartbreak is within breathing distance and I feel completely lost and all alone.
A loud round of applause startles me and my eyes instantly fall in Hannah and Daniel as they embrace each other for the first time as husband and wife.
“That’s it.” I mutter quietly. I can no longer hold it back and all my emotions escape me as my tears of happiness, sadness and confusion desperately fall down my cheeks. This bloody mascara better be waterproof, otherwise I can see a serious showdown with the make-up artist on the cards.
Hello.
It’s me. I know, I know. I can hear your gasp of disbelief ringing through my ears already. I can’t believe that I’m actually doing as I’m told, either. Hey, maybe it’s a new me.
Well, here I am, sitting down on my pale backside and finally emailing you as promised.
You’ve got absolutely no idea how grown up I suddenly feel right now. To be honest, I thought that I’d have to search all over the place to find somewhere with a computer that I could use, but I found a nice little café just down the road from my apartment and the owners are really friendly too. They even said that I’m more than welcome to stop by and use their computer anytime I like.
I’ve got a strange feeling that you may just live to regret this fabulous little emailing idea of yours.
Things seem to be going really well here at the minute. Knowing my luck, now that I’ve just mentioned it, I’ve probably just gone and jinxed myself so expect my next email to be all dark and deep. On a plus note though, I’ve been good and I’ve even managed to control my wild drunken antics so far. Again, I’ve probably spoken to soon, but honestly Han, if you could see me, I know that you would be so, so proud.
I’m slowly getting more time off work and God knows how much I’ve needed it. My batteries are finally beginning to feel more recharged.
Fran, my roommate, well she’s still going strong with that crazy psycho stalker. I really thought that he would have gone home by now, or maybe she would have gotten bored with him and moved on, but everywhere I bloody turn, he’s there. He’s so creepy. No, scrap that. The guy’s beyond creepy and he makes my skin crawl.
What else do I need to tell you? Oh yes, Jake…
Well, where to start with him? I guess the only thing that I can say is that he’s truly amazing. We’re spending quite a lot of time together, enjoying getting to know one another a little better and to be completely honest with you, I just can’t get enough of him.
He’s so addictive. Oh, bloody hell. I can just imagine your face as you’re reading this. Yes, I know that I’ve got it bad, but what’s a girl to do?
What can I do Han? This isn’t what I came out here for. I came out here for one last carefree summer and now I’m spending it acting like a giddy bloody school girl.
Anyway, enough about me and my dramas.
Tell me, what’s been happening with you? Hopefully you’re not missing me too much and you’ve finally put some much needed distance between you and that phone? Let me tell you, I won’t be happy when I come home and find out that your mum’s actually followed through on that ridiculous threat of hers and had you carted off to only God knows where.
How’s university? I hope you’ve settled in okay. Oh what the hell am I talking about? Of course you’ve bloody settled in. I really am sorry that I’m not there experiencing it all with you. A part of me wishes that I was there because I hate the thought of you being there all by yourself, surrounded by unlimited bars with crazy fifty-pence promotions to pull you in. The odds are well and truly against you my friend and without me there to protect you, pure corruption is guaranteed. I bet I won’t even recognise you when I get home.
So spill, have you met any hotties? You best not keep that kind of stuff from me, do you hear? Especially seeing as though I’m keeping you in the loop on my little adventures. I mean it Hannah; I want to know everything.
Well. I guess that’s all from me for now. There’s some serious Vitamin D calling my name and who knows, maybe if I’m lucky I might just pop out a few more freckles. Loads of freckles constitutes as a tan, right?
I hope to hear from you soon.
Missing you loads.
Love Lucy
X
I lean back in my chair after re-reading and finally pressing the send button and I stretch out my arms. A small smile of accomplishment creeps onto my face.
I did it. I actually sat down and sent an email to Hannah, just lik
e I promised her that I would do. Now I don’t feel like such a shitty friend.
Well, at least I didn’t until thoughts of Hannah starting University begin to whirl through my mind and I know that I should really be there with her and experiencing it all first-hand just like we always planned while we were growing up. Sure, she says that she understands and I really hope that she does. I just wasn’t ready to start that chapter in my life just yet.
Right now though, a part of me is pretty glad that I didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have met Jake. My chest shudders at just the thought. As crazy as it sounds, and I know that it sounds crazy as hell, but now that he’s in my life, It’s impossible to imagine my life without him.
“You’ve well and truly set yourself up for a fall, lady.” I mutter to myself. This is absolute madness.
“Would you like a drink, dear?”
I quickly spin my head around, somewhat startled for a moment before I see the pleasant lady who I spoke to earlier.
“Oh no, I’m good thank you.” I reply.
“Not at all. You just let me know if you change your mind. So, are you here for a week or two?” You don’t want to be wasting that glorious sunshine sat in doors all day.”
“A little bit longer than that, actually.” I smile, feeling completely at ease around her. “I’m here for the rest of the summer.”
“Oh, lucky you. That’s what me and Colin did many years ago.” Her eyes glaze over and I can tell that her mind has gone straight back down memory lane.
“Colin?” I ask, without really thinking. My cheeks heat up suddenly and I hope that she doesn’t think that I’m being a nosey, rude cow. I didn’t mean to prey, my words just kind of blurt out unexpectedly sometimes and I feel like kicking myself right now.
“My husband.” Her voice is soft and warm, and a loving smile dancing on her welcoming, plump face. “We decided to come out here one year for a little break and we fell head over heels for the place. As soon as we arrived back home, we knew instantly where our future lay. Before we knew it, we soon had business plans drafted up and we’ve never looked back since. Not for one second.”
“Wow.” I’m sure my eyes are bulging out of their sockets. “I’d love to do something like that, but I don’t think that I’d have the courage to just up and leave everyone that I knew behind, not for good anyway.”
“Oh believe me, I know that feeling all too well, dear. But it’s so much easier when there’s only two of you to think about. It’s far less daunting than it sounds.”
If I did offend her earlier, then she doesn’t show it. Her warm, friendly smile is contagious and everything about her makes me feel welcome. “It really is a beautiful place that you have here.” I say and I mean every single word. This café screams out British and maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable at McDougal’s.
“Thank you. We just wanted to keep a little piece of home with us and we’re extremely proud of it.”
“I would be too…” I pause, realising that I don’t yet know her name.
“It’s Brenda, dear.” She laughs, clearly picking up on my error.
“Well, Brenda, thanks so much for allowing me to use your computer. I think you may have just saved my friendship from going down the pan. My best friend can be a little over protective, you see and she likes me to check in as often as possible.”
“Anytime. Now, I hope to see you back here again sometime soon.”
“Definitely, but I kind of think you might regret saying that.” I laugh.
“Absolute nonsense. It’s always lovely to see a friendly face.”
I leave the café feeling extremely happy and content. It’s amazing what a little bit of conversation can do for you. I’ll definitely be going back to see Brenda again and soon. She seems like a really nice woman and it’s good to feel a sense of home too.
As I make my way back to the apartment it suddenly hits me. Right out of the blue that I actually have no idea what I want to do with my life. Hannah’s okay. She’s got her whole life planned out, right down to a tee. It’s not all that surprising really. She’s always been that way, whereas I’ve always been the one to take life as it comes and deal with it only when I have to.
Maybe I should have given my future a bit more thought, or at least looked into some possible options for my future. Oh well, there’s not really much point dwelling on it right now, is there? I’ve got a whole summer of fun to enjoy and I plan on doing just that.
The perfect image of Jake forms in my mind again and the butterflies begin to flutter like crazy in my stomach. Oh yes, a summer of fun is exactly what I need.
“Sun-cream.” I mutter out loud to myself while searching high and low in my room trying to find my beach bag. I really need to remember to pick some up on my way out, otherwise I’ll quickly deteriorate into a huge pile of skin flakes in this heat.
People really don’t realise how fortunate they are to tan instantly and go a nice golden bronze, instead of looking like a badly burnt, blotchy mess with a few freckles sprinkled on top. It doesn’t matter what factor I use, the sun officially hates me with a passion and it sucks.
It doesn’t take me too long to find the hidden location of my beach bag. Bloody Fran. She’s always ‘borrowing’ something from me.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind her using my stuff at all. I’m pretty sure that if I ever needed to borrow something of hers then she’d be more than happy for me to borrow it, but every now and again it would be nice for her to at least ask beforehand, or at least put stuff back where she originally found it.
Speaking of Fran, I’ve got no idea where she’s got to. Truthfully, thinking about it, I’ve not really seen her pottering around the place for a while, which isn’t like her at all. Clearly tash-man’s place must be way cooler than ours, or maybe he’s got fully working air-con. I guess on a plus note he’s not here getting under my skin. Silver linings and all that.
She doesn’t half bloody scare me at times though. It’s as if she doesn’t care about her own safety at all. Maybe I should check in with Liam to see when she’s next rota’d on or when she was last in. At least that way I can check that she’s safe and keep an eye out for her.
The minute my bag is packed with all my beach essentials, I grab my headphones from the side unit and head out the door for a whole day of relaxation.
Just me, myself and I.
My plan for the day is to stay on that glorious, golden beach until the sun decides it no longer wants to play and goes to bed, with nothing but my book and music for company. It’s been way too long since I had some proper me time and I plan on making the most of it.
“Now, it’s definitely time to switch into holiday mode.”
The beach isn’t all that crowded when I arrive, which always takes me by surprise. Usually it’s ram packed with families and children running wild, splashing about and making those wonderful holiday memories. I must admit that I struggle to relax when there’s too much going on around me though. Yes, I’ve always been wired differently. Some may even call me weird.
It doesn’t take me long to find the perfect spot, pretty close to the sea and I waste no time in pulling out my towel from inside my bag and excitedly lay it out on the soft, warm and welcoming sand before settling down for the day.
Today is going to be a good day and I even remembered to pick up some sun-cream.
I haven’t got the foggiest idea as to how long I’ve been asleep for, but I jump out of my skin when something cold trickles down my back.
“Jesus Christ…” I shout out, my body riddled with shock and jump up, only to find Jake leaning over me, laughing at me in distress. “What the…”
“Sorry.” He cuts me off while still chuckling away at me. “I couldn’t help myself.”
Yes, I can clearly see that. “How long have you been watching me?” I question.
“Not too long, but long enough to see that you were practically beginning to burn to a crisp. You know, you really need to watch yo
urself in this weather, Luce.”
His genuine concern for my health erases any anger that I felt a few seconds ago. “Thanks.”
“Talk about timing. It’s a good job I arrived when I did, check out those clouds over there.”
I look up to where he is pointing over the ocean and sure enough big thick, black, dirty clouds are hurtling straight towards us.
“Now that’s gonna be one heck of a storm.”
“Oh God. Please tell me that you’re joking?” I inwardly groan and I can feel the panic begin to set in. My heart rate quickly accelerates and I can feel a sheen of cold sweat begin to build on my palms and down my spine and it’s got nothing to do with the humidity in the air.
If there is one thing that I hate above everything else, it’s bloody thunder and lightning. I’ve always been afraid of it, ever since I was a little girl. Only back then I had my mum and Hannah around to comfort me and hold my hand. Now I’m bloody sat on a beach and I’m going to get caught right up in the middle of it.
There’s definitely no blankets here to hide under until it passes.
“I wish I was joking because it sure doesn’t look like it’s going to be a calm one. If we’re going to make it on time, then we’ll have to leave right now.” He warns me calmly.
“Jake, are you being serious? I know I don’t know much, but I know that we’ll never make it back in time. You must be crazy. We’re going to get caught up in the middle of it and there’s nothing that we can do.” No wonder the bloody beach was empty.
“Aye, if we head back to the apartment we will.”
My eyes grow wide with fear and worry as I watch him pack up my belongings. I need to move, I know I do, but I’m rooted to the spot. Petrified of the storm that’s coming our way. Where the hell are we supposed to go to get away from this nightmare?
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