Right?
Chapter 4
Deklan
Shit.
She knew.
I knew she knew and something was wrong. It didn’t take the vague as shit text she shot me after she didn’t answer my call to alert me to that. It was a feeling, like a calm before the storm feeling where there is something in the air that amps you up, puts you on fucking edge. After what Matty told me, I immediately called her. Her not answering sent me into fucking panic mode.
“Bye to you too,” Matty called after me. Fuck him, I was half way in the car before I even registered the asshole had said bye. Didn’t care.
All I cared about was getting to Harley, making sure she was one-hundred and wondering how the fuck she found out when I only just found out myself. Shit, it was too much to hope that she didn’t know. I wanted to tell her in person so I could be there to bring her back from what I’m sure would be the biggest freak out she has ever had.
Because even though she shouldn’t, she loved that piece of shit lady and losing someone you love is a kick in the fucking gut. That urge to get to her had me slamming my boot down harder on the gas pedal and busting two lefts and a right hard as shit to get back home. I skidded to a stop and jumped out, having a sickening feeling of déjà vu, and I did not like that shit one fucking bit. I drove through the door and screamed her name, only to stop short when I saw her sitting there just as calm as shit on the couch looking at the wall.
“You know,” I stated, tossing my keys on the counter and easing over to her. I felt like a fucking wild animal attendant and Harley was a fucking lioness ready to snap my neck at any sudden movement.
“Who told you?” I asked when she didn’t reply. She just sat there and stared off into nothing. I hated that vacant look in her eye, like she had already checked the fuck out. I nearly sank to my knees like a bitch at the sound of her voice.
“Ember,” she whispered and then cleared her throat a little more.
Fucking Ember. I needed to talk to Matty’s chatty ass girlfriend and tell her to mind her own fucking business like she always had. She couldn’t act all concerned about Harley now when the bitch couldn’t even tell something was seriously fucking wrong with her ‘best friend’ for years.
It just reminded me even more that Harley truly had no one before she met me, and if I hadn’t blown into her life, she might not fucking be here. Just the thought of that had me grinding my molars, pissed off. That seemed to be one of two moods I was always in lately: pissed or worried. Pissed I was good with, used to that shit like I was used to breathing, but worried? I didn’t do that shit too well.
“Babe, look at me,” I demanded because I needed to see if she was already gone, I needed to see if…fuck, if she was beyond my voice, my touch, if she was beyond me helping her.
She slowly turned her head, her eye landed on mine, soft and fucking steady. That was the thing; I never understood why no one could see this girl was in a bad way. Her eyes told every fucking thing and how no one she met could see behind that fake shit when I hadn’t even known her two seconds and I saw the shit. It pissed me off to know that no one fucking bothered to look in her fucking eyes and see, fucking help her.
I blew out the breath I had apparently been holding on a ‘thank fuck’ and went over to sit by her. Her eyes told me what her voice couldn’t. She was here with me, not one- hundred percent, but at least she was fucking with me.
“Harley…” I started then stopped. I didn’t know what the fuck to say to her. She’d told me once that she was sorry when my ma died because it was clear I cared for her and I was hurting. Was Harley hurting? If it were me and a muthafucker called to tell me Royce’s ass bit the big one, I’d be fucking throwing a party right now and not give a shit, but Harley was not me and she would, fuck, I didn’t know what she would do.
I wasn’t sorry the bitch was dead, so I didn’t want to say that shit when she knew it would be a lie, but I wanted to say something, comfort her some way, and let her know I got it. But the only thing I could think of was to pull her to me and hold her. So, that’s what I did. She came stiffly over and for a minute, I worried that I’d read her eyes wrong, but she slowly draped her arms around my neck and relaxed into me, putting her head on my shoulder.
“I’m going to have to go back, aren’t I?” she asked on a whisper, as if she was afraid to voice that shit aloud and, to be honest, I was a little afraid of that too. I wasn’t afraid of much, living with Royce, I couldn’t be, hell if I had been, I’d be a piss-my-own-pants-at-my-shadow kind of guy and that shit is not the word. But now, in this moment, I was afraid for Harley and the demons she didn’t have a hold on yet.
“You don’t have to do shit you don’t want to, babe.”
“But who will bury her, who will hold a funeral or a wake or whatever? What about the house and…”
“Calm babe, breathe.” I cut her off. She was asking questions I knew she had racked her brain with since she found out, questions I didn’t have a fucking response to. I didn’t want her thinking about this shit now, or ever, but I knew forcing her to forget it would be the wrong fucking thing to do. I had to take the side way into this. I forced her wild eyes to me, locking her in place with my stare. “Just talk to the cops, see what’s up then take it from there, yeah?”
Her eyes expanded at the mention of the cops, but she nodded still and allowed me to lift her face to mine and kiss her nose then her cheek, and finally, her lips. Fuck, her lips were the softest lips I’d ever kissed and the fact that I’m the only one who has ever felt them made my dick swell a little, which was not a good time, but fuck, you always get a hard on when you shouldn’t, every guy knew and hated this.
We sat there a while, me holding her, while she processed. I didn’t care how long we sat; I’d give her all the time she needed with this shit.
“Deklan?” Even though it was almost inaudible, I still heard her. Hell, it could have been the barest of a fucking whisper and I would have heard her and I didn’t want to get into the why of that.
“Yeah?” Fuck, I was holding my breath again; this shit was not the business.
“If I have to go, will you go with me?” Was that all? Easy answer, but I still fisted my hands on her back because I thought I’d made it crystal. I’ve got her; why the hell would she think otherwise?
“You most definitely will not be going without me. Bet.” I got it, she was used to being on her own, but it still pissed me off that she fucking doubted me, doubted my words. Not gonna fly. I either had to make her feel that shit in her soul or…there was no or. I would make her feel that shit, get rid of her doubts because Harley was…fuck, she…she meant something to me. She stared at my face a long time, looking for a hint of what? Regret, doubt? Whatever it was, she wasn’t going to find it. I didn’t have it, and I didn’t regret anything I’d done since meeting her.
Anything.
She raised her hand to my face then stopped and drew it back in her lap and bent her head down to hide her embarrassment. I got it; we were strangers. Just because my tongue, hands, and dick knew every inch of her body, didn’t mean we knew each other.
It’s not like she hasn’t touched me before, she had, but it’s always been while I’ve had my mouth on her or I’m slowly thrusting into her, bringing her to release that she pulls and grabs at every part of me. She’s never initiated the touch, but shit, I wanted her to. I wanted her to do so much more, but she had to want to do that shit on her own. I knew she would do anything I asked, but that’s the thing, asking someone to do something you know they really don’t want to do is shit, but when that person does something cause they want to? Fucking gold.
“Put your hand on me babe.” I tried not to sound hard, but I wanted it, fuck, I wanted it bad. I wanted her hands all over me because she needed to know me, know what I was about, and know I’m real as shit when I tell her something.
Hesitantly, she raised her hand to my hair, and because I didn’t want to deal with it, I kept my
hair tight, closely cut to my head so I felt her warm palm graze my scalp, massaging. No one had caressed my head like that since my ma when I was thirteen.
It felt good.
“I like that,” I told her, my voice giving away my pleasure. Plus, her tits were at the right level for my mouth, and I knew all I had to do was flick one nipple with my tongue, maybe pinch the other and she would open for me. But now was obviously not the time, and I would be a dick of a different kind if I made it that time.
So, I was shocked as shit when she brought her other hand up and cupped the back of my neck, leaning in for a kiss. Harley had kissed me before true, but me being me, had always taken it further. When my tongue tasted her, my dick perked up. Her taste, hell, her touch had a straight line to my dick that couldn’t be helped, but I knew this kiss was about something more and fuck it, if I still didn’t want it to happen. I wanted to fuck her rough and hard on the couch, make her bounce on my dick so hard she’d think she was on a racehorse, but not like this.
The kiss started out timid, her lips touched mine, her hand squeezed my neck, and then she got bold with it and parted my lips with her tongue. One hundred percent of the time, I’m always running the show when it comes to sex; it makes me hard to run that shit but this right here, letting Harley take the lead had me fucking solid. I let her lean into the kiss, her breasts rubbing up against my chest, feeling her nipples harden before I pulled away, giving myself a case of blue balls.
“Babe,” I cautioned. She knew I knew what she was doing; it was unmistakable when she held her head in shame, and I hated that that was her initial reaction. I seized her chin, raising her face to me. “You got shit to be ashamed of, babe. Tell me this ain’t about anything other than you wanting my dick, and I’ll let you fuck me all night.” I watched as she cast her eyes down giving me the answer I already knew.
“Don’t,” I said with a gentleness I wasn’t feeling. “Anytime, anywhere, you got me, but not like this.” She nodded and went to move off me, but I grabbed hold of her hips, stilling her retreat.
“I’m not saying no, just not now.” I clarified. I wanted it clear that I wanted her, bad. But not off her reaction to the death of some cunt I would have killed myself if I was more of a bastard.
“I get it,” she said trying to move off me yet again, but I grabbed her hand.
“What’s this?” I asked, touching the Band-Aid lightly that was slapped across her palm. She didn’t answer right away, and that caused me to look up from her hand to see what the fuck.
“Harley?” Her body stilled at the sound of my voice, something she hasn’t done since, fuck a really long time but I didn’t call her out on it.
“Babe, don’t make me ask…”
“This morning,” she blurted out then explained further at my raised eyebrow. “It must have happened this morning when I was making breakfast. Guess I didn’t notice until after you left.”
“Low blow babe. Is that how we going to play things?” I asked, because if it was then we were going to have an issue.
“What?” she asked eyes wide. God, her eyes were so fucking innocent, beautiful, and scared.
“Don’t get mean, babe, trust me I’m better at it.”
“I wasn’t…I didn’t mean…” she broke off, clearly flustered. I waited.
“I was just saying, I didn’t even know you left,” she whispered and moved to get off me again. This time I let her because even though she didn’t say it aloud, she was still calling me out. I deserved it. Didn’t mean I wasn’t pissed about it.
“Look, when I got shit else to say, I bounce, it’s always gonna be like that. Better I bounce than fuck up a wall.” I should have apologized or some shit, but I didn’t.
“I understand.” She moved past me and into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind her.
Fuck.
She thinks I didn’t notice her body tensing up, closing the fuck up on me? Or the lie in her eyes?
Fuck, she’s hiding again, only this time it’s from me.
Harley
You know how you think you’re doing the right thing for someone. You feel it in your heart of hearts that whatever truth you are hiding is too much for someone to handle, that it’s just best for everyone that they just not know. That feeling, that truth is what caused the lie to Deklan to slip easily out of my mouth, because I knew that truth was best kept to myself for as long as possible.
Him rejecting me, although that’s not how he sees it, stung and for him to notice the Band-Aid too? Although, I knew he would eventually, I thought he’d be too distracted to notice so soon. I panicked and when I felt him about to question my lie, I did a shitty thing. I called him out on leaving, and I knew it was shitty. And the second it left my mouth, I wanted to take it back. I was panicked and felt like that Edgar Allen Poe poem where he kept hearing the beating heartbeat of the person he killed under the floorboards. I swore he knew what I’d done.
This wasn’t who I was, this was something she would have done, thrown it back on someone to get the light off her, and I hated myself for having done that. I abhorred everything she was and for that to be my knee jerk reaction made me feel like… if there was a shittier word than shit, that’s how I felt. It worked and got the attention off my stupid lie and on him and I’d known the effect my accusation would have: getting him pissed. And that was the real reason I moved off him. I didn’t deserve to touch him, to be around him after doing something so foul.
I didn’t have anything special to do in the bathroom; I just needed an escape, to look in the mirror and see that I was still me and not her. She was dead; she had no control over me now, yet she still found some way to creep into my life. Was it always going to be like this? Would I do things like her more and more until, suddenly, one day I would look in the mirror and see her? As crazy as it sounded, I was terrified of it happening. I couldn’t be like her, I wouldn’t.
I took a long shower and let my mind wander and dream, my favorite thing. In the past, my dreams or wants were just that, dreams; things that I wished would happen, wanted badly to happen, but the realistic side of me knew they never would. However, my dreams now actually had a possibility of happening. I had three simple core wants, and all the rest I figured would fall into place once I had those three things.
I wanted to be free and not live in fear: check, sort of.
I wanted to have more than two numbers in my cell, although having the number to Deklan’s job was only for emergencies and I’ve never once used it, it was still a number and with Ember and Deklan that made three, so check.
Last, I wanted to be loved and not just any love, no. I wanted the all-consuming, get pissed at you, but still want to have sex with you, and will go to the ends of the earth for you love. The love that was so deep you were bound to that other person, woven into their soul. I wanted that hard.
I wanted that with Deklan.
I was already there, but him, I wasn’t so sure. Deklan stayed mad; it was who he was, but I wasn’t so sure about the rest. I knew he wanted me, liked me, but was it soul-melding love?
“Harley.” His voice boomed from outside the door making me jump and turn off the shower.
“Yeah?” I called stepping out. He never knocked; he just came in unless the door was locked, which it wasn’t.
“You broke shit,” he stated calmly. Shit, I had forgotten to mention the bedroom was slightly…altered. Should I apologize? No, he hates when I do that so I settled on not saying anything, sometimes that was usually the best thing.
“It’s not an issue, babe, I get it. I’m leaving for work in twenty though.” He let me off the hook, as if apologizing in his own way for not telling earlier announced his leaving.
“Okay?” I said puzzled. Why was he telling me this? He normally called out an ‘I’m out’ and left.
“Come with me.” It almost sounded like a question, but I couldn’t have heard that right. Deklan didn’t ask, he told, demanded what he wanted and usually people comp
lied, me included.
But now it sounded like he was asking me? Me? I had never been to his job, I knew he worked at a bar and I’ve never been in a bar, had no idea what the inside of one looked like except for what I’ve read about in books. I wanted to go, but…
“Babe, I don’t got all night, get in gear.”
“Wait, I…I don’t have anything to wear.” This was true; I didn’t, but then I didn’t know what you were supposed to wear to a bar.
“T-shirt and jeans, babe; you’re not trying to impress anyone but me,” he forced out, and I almost laughed. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to impress someone.
Was I ready for this? The outside world. I had been living in the bubble for two weeks, and I wasn’t sure how’d I react to outsiders. My fears from the day before resurfaced and started running through my head like a bad song you can’t seem to get rid of. I was starting to get that feeling and my palm began to sweat, but before I could fully freak out about it, Deklan took use of the unlocked door and barged in.
Hurt Me: A 'Me' Novel Page 7