“Babe, move your ass,” he stated, staring at me dripping water on the floor. Naked.
He’s seen me naked. Hello, we’ve had sex multiple times, and he’s had his mouth on every inch of my body, but he’s never seen me fully naked standing under unforgiving bathroom lights. I immediately covered my scars because even though he could ignore them, see past them, I couldn’t, and they bothered me. I hated them because they represented how ruined I am, how unloved I was, and how weak I still am.
He stood there in his usual black jeans, black boots, and black shirt ready for work blatantly and unhurriedly ogling me. His eyes traveled all over my body, slowly causing the blush I felt rising as his gaze did. I loved and hated when he looked at me this way. I loved it because him looking at me now—like I was the only person in the world who he wanted to be with, to be in —made me feel like I was perfect and not broken. Not broken at all.
I hated it because it made me question too much. I didn’t see what he saw, what if I didn’t live up to what he thought I was, what he thought I could be?
“Don’t,” he said as he pulled my arm free from the scars marring my chest. He looked at my breast hungrily, and I opened my mouth to protest… and totally forgot what I was going to say when he dropped to his knees, parted my thighs, and slowly, like achingly slow, licked small circle around my clit before taking the whole thing in his mouth, lightly sucking as he pulled back. The motion set fire to my body and traveled faster than the speed of light, engorging my clit and effectively making me need another shower. Before I could reach out to touch him, bring him in for more, he pulled back and stood up.
“I wanted you on my tongue all night. Now, get dressed before you give me a reason to quit.”
He gave me a final look before he walked out the door, not hiding the fact that he had to adjust himself on the way out.
What was I supposed to do now? If I didn’t go, I’d sit at home and obsess over him being hard and turned on at work, around all those other girls where he could slip away and ease into someone else, or I could go with him, calm my mind, and see for myself. I choose the later, hurrying from the bathroom and throwing on a shirt and jeans before meeting Deklan at the front door.
“Nice choice.” He eyed my shirt, which was admittedly half a size smaller than what I’d normally wear, but it was stretchy and comfortable and boosted my waning confidence level up a notch because it was tight in the right places. It was a shirt we’d sold at Bookwormz, the bookstore where I used to work, that said ‘Butterfly You’ across the chest.
I mumbled a thanks, slipped into my shoes, and followed him out the door.
Deklan’s music was always played at one level: loud, but thankfully, Fly on the wall by TFK was at the right volume to drown out the nerves bubbling up in my gut, threatening to make me sick the closer and closer we got to his job. I knew it was only about ten minutes away and, as the minutes ticked away, so did any so-called confidence I had before I left. This was a bar for shit’s sake, no one wore t-shirt to a bar except guys, and even then they weren’t dorky book shirts. I was going to embarrass the hell out of Deklan. I began doing what I always did when I was nervous, I fidgeted, picked at imaginary lint, and became real interested in my shoes, or the window or whatever I could find to keep my mind from focusing on what was really freaking me out.
Deklan placed his hand atop mine, his touch calming me. “Relax babe, it just a bar.” He sounded so confident. It was easy for him to say ‘just a bar’; he’s not the one people will judge. He doesn’t have ‘wrecked’ across his forehead in big neon letters for the world to see. I knew it was crazy. I knew that most people would look at me and not even think twice about me.
Logically, I knew this, but the illogically loud part of my brain said otherwise.
I nodded my head, not trusting my voice enough to speak, and that was enough for Deklan. The outside of the bar was innocuous and unimposing with its plain signage not yet lit and lack of the seedy look that most bars were known to have. There were only a few cars in the parking lot, probably the rest of the staff, when Deklan turned off the engine and turned to me.
“Anyone give you shit, no matter what I’m doing find me, yeah?” He leveled his eyes on me, telling me he was serious as shit right now. I got that, I did, but I didn’t want him to get in trouble because of me. I vowed that if anyone did say something to me, I would just deal with it. Besides it wasn’t like I would be away from him all night, right?
He eyed me longer then got out of the car, leaving me scrambling after him. I wanted to hold his hand, but he wasn’t the hand holing type so I was left walking closely beside him. No way was I walking into a bar alone.
Deklan and the big guy at the door did this little head nod thing, and we walked right past him inside. Huh, not what I was expecting. The place was actually clean on the inside and the floors were not covered in grime and gunk. There were two bars on either side of the entrance with a big space littered with tables in between. Deklan ushered me to a table with a ‘park it, babe,’ before he left to prep. I watched him while he worked behind the bar, totally focused and in the zone, awed by his efficiency at flipping bottles, lifting glasses, and checking this and that. His interactions with a few of the other staff were short except for an older lady with blonde dreadlocks; she actually got a smile. She went over to her section with a glance my way before I could even have a chance to analyze if she was looking my way because she was curious or because she knew who I was.
Either way, my attention quickly focused back on Deklan, who was at ease behind the bar, as if he liked doing his job. It struck me that I had no idea if this was something he’d wanted to do.
I didn’t know if this was a stepping stone for him onto something greater or was this more of a here and now job of choice. It again drove home the fact that we knew so little about each other and I wanted to fix that. I got so lost in watching him work that I almost missed the big guy from the door poke his head in and Deklan give him the thumbs up sign. I guess that meant it was show time. Deklan walked over and placed a shot glass and a drink glass in front of me, both were full.
“What’s this?” I asked. I had never had a drink, never wanted to as I was adamantly against drinking simply because it was another thing that would make me like my mom.
“The shot is to calm you; the coke is to chase the calm. It’s gonna burn,” he said as he stood there with an expectant look on his face.
“No thanks,” I said pushing the shot back to him. I’d take the coke though.
“Babe, shit goes down in a bar, always. You’re gonna need this. Trust.” He slid it back my way. This was not something to say to get me to calm down. Regardless if I’d had a shot or not, I didn’t think I’d be cool with ‘shit’ going down.
“But…I don’t...”
“Babe, one shot.” He was right of course, I wouldn’t turn into my mother the instant I downed the shot. I was hesitant, but as the first few customers started to trickle in, my nerves won, and I downed the liquid quickly, the burn instantly making me cough.
“What the hell was that?” I asked grabbing the coke and taking a big gulp. Why did people drink that stuff? It tasted like goat pee.
“JD,” he chuckled before walking back to the bar. I hope that drink wasn’t any indication how tonight was going to go.
Harley
Most of the night, I sat trying not to think about what I’d done and the other part was spent thinking about my mother. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to the how’s. How did she die? How did the authorities find out? How was I supposed to progress through this? I didn’t have any answers, and I couldn’t freak out here with Deklan watching me so closely. I did have time to notice that the bar life was surprisingly normal, and the shot had done what it was intended; I was somewhat relaxed and hadn’t freaked out about people watching or judging me once.
No one really paid me more than a passing glance except for Deklan and I was grateful
for that. The music ranged from classic rock to current hits and was at a comfortable level for people to talk. Watching Deklan work the crowd and the customers had me second-guessing who I was watching, only for a second. While he wasn’t overly friendly, he did manage a smile here or there and polite conversation, although I was too far away to hear. He also always managed to know when I was out of coke and before I could even attempt to get up, a waitress would appear with a fresh one. I liked the fact that even though he was clearly busy, he noticed me.
Me.
I liked to people watch; it was something I did before I was old enough to work. I’d sit in my room and watch the neighbors, people walking or driving by in their cars. It helped me pass the time and helped me in learning to read body language. Looking at what people would say with their body language instead of their mouths had become a game of sorts.
I’d make up entire scenarios in my head about any one person I’d see then move on to a different person the next hour or day. This bar was like the ultimate ADD observatory. Everyone in here was saying something different with their body language, but they all held the same underlying meaning. SEX. The redheaded woman who just seductively walked up to Deklan’s side of the bar was screaming it, loudly, without saying a word. You’d have to be blind not to notice the way her dress was barely holding up her boobs while she leaned over the bar to get his attention.
I’m new at this relationship stuff, this liking or loving someone so the jealousy that hit me, at least, I think that’s what it was, came out of nowhere. The flash I had of ripping her eyes out for openly flirting with Deklan jolted me so hard, I blinked to make sure the image in my mind wasn’t actually real. It’s a bar; people flirted, that’s what they did, but why was this one making me feel different?
This was crazy. He had taken order after order from women all night and none of them had given me this kind of vibe. In an instant, I knew why. It was like my body, my brain knew. She was different. The way she eyed him, as if she knew him personally, and the way her body shifted to him as he came over to get her order.
He’d slept with her.
The revelation was instant as was the knowledge that he had probably slept with most of the girls in the bar at this very minute. All of them, who were sexier than me, more experienced, and less complicated he’d had. As Crimson and Clover played in the background, I watched the redhead run her finger over his hand as she ordered, and he smirked, moving his hand back. I had no idea what possessed me but something did; I was up and out of my chair in a flash.
Something, probably some girl gene that we are all born with and was dormant until moments like this were activated and my ‘bitch, back up off my man’ switch was flipped. To do what, I wasn’t sure, but I felt as if I had to make my presence known; I had to be seen.
Deklan, of course, had peeped me approaching and, as soon as I was in earshot, called out. “You done already, babe?” He signaled the half-full glass in my hand that I hadn’t realized I’d brought with me. Now that I was here, I had no idea what I was doing, and I floundered. Bad.
“Yeah… I guess.” Shit. I sounded like an idiot. Especially next to the redhead who was now swaying to the chorus of Black Velvet, her hips moving back and forth, her hands touching her body suggestively all while eye fucking the hell out of Deklan. My fingers flexed around the glass in my hand with the need to smash her in the face with it. Whoa… I was definitely in jealousy mode.
“You taking a break anytime soon?” she purred. I thought people only did that in books. I wasn’t stupid, I knew that break was code for ‘do me in the bathroom’ and I wasn’t shocked. I mean I had known what kind of man he was when I met him. But how was I supposed to compete with that, with her? She was, as were most of the women in here, all woman, and I…I didn’t know who or what I was. I had no sense of self or what looked good or how to dress, act, or even flirt. Nothing. How would I keep Deklan with women like her out there? The thoughts quickly sent me spiraling so far in a black hole I barely heard Deklan tell the woman, “If I did, it wouldn’t be with you.” Before she walked off, he was leaning over the bar to get in my face.
“Don’t,” he warned, seemingly, like always, to know where my thoughts were headed.
Even though the music was loud and the bar was hot, I felt and heard nothing. The realization of how our relationship was going to be left me dazed and slightly sick, but it was a truth I was willing to live with if it meant I got to keep him.
“It’s okay for you to want other women, sleep with them…whatever," I whispered. The truth was I expected it because Deklan was Deklan and I was me. That whole interaction just proved my point. I was plain, boring, shattered me, and he would more than likely be the greatest love, the only love, of my life. So if that meant he had to sometimes stray, I was okay with that because at least I wouldn't be alone, right?
"What the hell did you just say?" he demanded, slamming a glass down hard enough to cause the ice to pop out. When I only shrugged my shoulders as a reply, he yelled over his shoulder at the blonde woman with the dreads. "Sal, be back in 20." Then he came around the bar and grabbed my hand, forcing me to follow him down the hall. We stopped at the men's bathroom and paused long enough for him to check if it was empty. After waiting a beat, he ushered me in and no sooner had I cleared the threshold, he had me pinned to the back of the door.
"Now, tell me what you said because it was loud out there, and I know you didn't say what the fuck I think you said, right?" His face was inches from mine, his body radiated heat as he pressed up against me. He stared at me intently, urging me to speak, but all I could do was repeat my earlier statement, because I wanted him to know I was okay with it.
“Nah, babe, you're enough, more than enough,” he said before he kissed me hard on the mouth and just as quickly released me.
“Yes, thirsty bitches will try to get at me nightly and yeah, it was a major perk of this job, but that was before I had you.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on his growing erection.
“You've got this, and I've got this,” he emphasized, as he cupped in between my thighs, the sudden contact causing me to gasp. I wanted to get lost in his touch like I did so often, but his words reverberated in my head.
You're enough. More than enough.
I was enough? I had never been enough to anyone, but he was telling me I was.
“I…” I started then stopped, not ready to vocalize what I was sure he already knew. As he moved his hand to the top of my jeans to undo the button, he breathed, “I know,” in my ear right before his hand slipped in my pants.
Holy shit, he knew? Knew what exactly, that I was in love with him, that I think I’ve been in love with him since the first time I met him?
“Dude, I gotta hit the head, either fuck her or leave.” I jumped at the foreign voice coming from the other side of the door and Deklan removed his hands from my pants as I quickly buttoned them back up right before someone knocked on the door. Was I really going to let him do whatever he was going to do to me in the men’s grimy ass bathroom? It took less than a minute for my mind to answer yes loud and clear. I’d let him do whatever he wanted to me because I was enough.
“Later,” he promised me before he moved me aside and yanked open the door.
“About fucking time, bro.” A guy who looked like he was barely walking stumbled in, reaching for his belt.
“You want a twofer?” he asked, eyeing me.
Wait, what?!
Before I could even fully register what he was suggesting, Deklan had the guy pinned by his collar and in his face. “You don’t want these problems,” he stated simply but in a way that left no room for what would happen if they guy kept talking. He wasn’t that drunk because he held up his hands in surrender, backtracking quickly.
“My bad man, thought she was a bar bitch.” Deklan eyed him before letting him drop, only to slump against the wall. “You’re done. Piss and get the fuck out.” I knew, and judging by the look on the guy’s face he did t
oo, that Deklan didn’t just mean get out of the bathroom, he meant out of the bar. Deklan had this way about him that made you listen to him. Maybe it was survival of the fittest, people’s instincts told them that up against him they’d lose so they complied with his request. My instincts were that I was in love with him, and I wanted to make him happy at all costs. I knew that after what he’d said, I had to live up to it; I had to be enough for him, more than enough. That meant that I had to keep my secret a secret forever.
Deklan
I don’t get why people want to try me, like my face and body language aren’t constantly giving off a fuck off vibe, yet they want to act shocked as shit when I step up? Take buddy back there in the bathroom. I doubt he would have said that disrespectful shit had he been sober and could clearly read my body language. I’m not a jealous guy, never had a reason to be, but with Harley, I didn’t want anyone looking at her let alone making some stupid ass comment about sharing her.
Hurt Me: A 'Me' Novel Page 8