by Rose, Ashley
She bit her lip as he came up alongside her.
“Hey.”
She looked over at his casual stance on the board. “I didn’t want you here.”
“Sorry. I just do what I’m told.”
She took the corner sharply onto the main sidewalk. “Whatever. Where is this place?”
“Student Affairs.”
“Yeah. And where is that?”
“Oh! Barge Hall.”
She looked at him again.
“Right. Umm, bottom of campus, on the corner by the street. I’ll show you.”
They rode in silence the rest of the way, but she couldn’t keep from glancing at him. He was good on the board. He rode without thinking, which was a sign of an experienced rider. Once they got far enough into campus, Ben pulled ahead a bit to show her the way. He swerved around every little bump, though she could tell he was just doing it for fun.
The building was old-school, brick with several tall towers. Ben led them to the correct entrance and waited outside with their boards while she did the paperwork.
After several long documents and three signatures, she exited to find Ben waiting patiently.
“Ready to go?”
She nodded.
“This is a nice board,” he said, holding hers out to her.
“Not as nice as yours.” She looked longingly at the black board with bright orange wheels.
“You wanna ride it?”
She blinked. “What?”
“I’ll switch you for the ride back, if you want.”
She should have said no, but it looked so nice. “If you’re sure.”
“I am.” He handed it to her.
She hesitated a moment before grabbing the board and hurrying on to the sidewalk. She got on the board and pushed off, feeling the difference from her board. It was a bit heavier, because it was wider and longer, and the wheels were bigger and newer so it rode nice. It was also a lot stiffer than she was used to.
“Your trucks are tight,” she commented, weaving back and forth with effort.
He copied her. “I like them like that. Helps me skate cleaner. Plus, I do weigh more than you.”
“True.”
“I kinda like yours though.” He weaved back and forth on the board that she’d adjusted for herself.
She messed around with his board the whole way back, getting used to the stiff feel of it under her feet. She glanced at him on her smaller board. He had what was deemed a ‘goofy’ stance, which meant that he rode with his right foot forward, so he faced her.
“Are you left-handed?” she asked.
“Nope. But I’ve always rode goofy. It feels better.”
“Weird.”
“Yeah. So I’ve heard.”
They continued toward the dorm.
“You know, you can always talk to me, or any of the RAs,” he said as they approached.
She really didn’t want to get into this so she played dumb. “About what?”
Ben frowned and curved around a group of students. “Well, anything really, but about this whole thing. I’m sure it’s tough.”
“What’s tough?” she said stubbornly.
“Rikke...”
“What?” she asked dryly.
“Your boyfriend abused you, for I don’t even know how long,” he said boldly. “You can talk to me about it if you want or need to.”
She looked away.
“I’m serious. You don’t have to deal with this alone, and you shouldn’t.”
“Don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.”
He sighed. “I’m just saying. I know we’re not really friends, but I’m here for you.”
“Yeah. It’s your job.”
“It’s more than that. I became an RA because I care about people.”
“Look, my boyfriend was an asshole, but I’m not some little girl who was traumatized. So lay off.”
“I just wanted you to know that my door is always open.”
“Got it.”
“You don’t have to be tough with this. You don’t have to deal alone.”
She used anger to cover her stress. “The only thing I’m going to be needing after the end of my relationship is sex, someone to fuck in Adam’s place. Can you fulfill that need?”
He gave her a reproachful look. “I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“Rikke...”
“So my place tonight then? You bring the condoms.”
“This isn’t a joke.”
She carved to a stop, forcing him to copy her until they stood motionless, facing each other.
“No, shit. But since you don’t seem to be getting the signals, I’ll spell it out for you. You have no idea how Adam treated me, or how it’s affecting me. And I do not want to talk about it right now. So lay off.” She pushed his board into motion again.
He caught up with her easily. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Of course I’ll drop it. I should have taken the hint. I’m sorry.”
When they finally reached the dorm, they switched boards without a word and went inside.
As she headed toward the stairs to her room, Ben called after her, “I’m sorry if I annoyed you, Rikke, but I meant everything I said. I’m always here.”
She wanted to snap at him again, but just nodded instead. He really was trying to be sincere.
He let her go this time without a word, and she was grateful. Once out of his sight, she slumped against the wall. Stress and exhaustion had taken a toll on her body, and she just wanted to go lay down. Even making her way slowly up to her room seemed to be too much effort.
Lorna was sitting in the living room when she came in and voices were coming from Lily’s room. One was a boy, which was weird. Normally she’d be more curious, but right now all she wanted to do was get into her room and close off the world.
* * *
Hours later, Rikke was at her desk, laptop open, blank document on the screen. She’d written and deleted the same paragraph over a dozen times now. No matter how much she wanted to get lost in her characters, they weren’t talking to her today. She couldn’t focus.
Around midnight, Rikke glanced at her bed and wished she still had someone to sleep with. It wasn’t that she liked sleeping in a bed with Adam in particular. He always wrapped all of himself around her and she hated it. But sometimes she craved that second body in the bed, and this was one of those times.
She stared at the blank document for what seemed like another hour before finally giving up on it for the night. Instead, she sat back and let her mind run wild on everything she’d been shoving to the back of her brain. So many questions had accumulated by now. She couldn’t hold the dam anymore, so she just let it break.
Did she love Adam? No.
Could she live without him? It didn’t feel like it.
What was she, if not a girlfriend? Nothing.
Could she be independent? Doubtful.
Could she survive this? No choice.
What defined her if it wasn’t Adam? Unknown.
What was she without a relationship? Single.
Could she handle being single? No.
How would she spend her time now? Good question.
Could she make other friends? Impossible.
Was she going to be alone for the rest of her life? Probably.
What kind of person would she be without him?
This question made her heart stop.
Adam, for all of his flaws, played an important role in her life. He was the one who kept her grounded, cooled her down, took her down a notch when she needed it. He kept her overwhelming personality under control. She was scared of the person she would be without him.
She needed someone to tell her that she’d be okay, that she’d make it. Living without him wasn’t impossible. She wouldn’t self-destruct. She could live on her own.
She repeated these things over and over in her head, hoping that she could will them into reality, but it was futile. She was utterly hopele
ss. Living without her rock wasn’t an option. She felt sick at the thought of seeing him again, but she felt just as sick at the thought of being alone. Adam was no doubt out of jail right now. She picked up her cell phone and stared at it.
Half of her wanted to dial his number. The other half wanted to break the phone in half so she couldn’t.
Her heart started racing as she opened the phone and pressed the first number.
She gulped and snapped the phone shut tightly.
Before she could second guess herself, she ran out the door. The stairs were slippery under her sock-clad feet, and she slid down them to the first floor as quick as her tired legs would move. She finally arrived at the RA’s door.
The door cracked open after several seconds, revealing a dark room and a fresh-out-of-bed Ben. “Rikke?”
“Hi.” She gripped her phone in her now sweaty palm.
He switched the light on. “What time—”
She pushed past him into the room.
“Um, yeah, come in.” He shut the door and turned to her. “What is it?”
She thrust her phone into his hand and stepped back.
He looked down at it. “Is this yours?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “But don’t...don’t let me call him.”
“Who?”
“Adam. I can’t—” She shook her head and took a step toward him, wanting the phone back. “I can’t call him. Don’t let me.”
“Are you all right?”
The phone gleamed in his hand, and she took another step toward him. “But maybe...maybe I should call him. I mean...” She reached for it again but he pulled it out of her reach.
“Whoa.”
“I just...never mind. Give it back.” She reached for it desperately.
“No.” He stepped away from her and held it behind his back.
She let out a choked sound of despair and backed up until her legs hit the bed. She told herself she didn’t need Adam. She could do it without him.
“Why don’t you sit down?” he suggested.
She sat down hard on the bed and then slid all the way onto it until she was sitting in the middle where it was still warm where his body had been.
“Can you please explain what’s going on so I can help you?”
“I can’t...don’t let me call him. Don’t. I won’t. Okay? I don’t need to. I can do this alone. I am somebody without him.”
He nodded slowly. “I think I understand.” He moved to his desk, which sat beside the door, and put the phone into a drawer. “This is going in here. Out of sight, out of mind.”
She nodded.
“All right then.” He sat on his bed slowly. “I’m guessing you still don’t want to talk?”
“It’s not what you think though.”
“All right. I believe you. Tell me about it.”
“It’s just...” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
She curled her legs into a crisscrossed position. “I feel like...I mean...I miss him.”
He just nodded and waited.
“Aren’t you going to tell me that I’m stupid? And weak? And that I need to smarten up?”
“Umm... yeah. Because that is what I’m trained to do,” he said dryly.
She blinked.
“No, Rikke. Look. It’s not my job to judge you. I’m here for you to talk to. I’ll help you make sense of things if I can. So just...talk to me. Don’t feel like you have to justify anything. That’s not what I’m interested in.”
“Okay...”
“So. What prompted this visit?”
“You won’t let me call him?”
“Nope.” He smiled reassuringly. “Now tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been without him. Not for years. He kept me together. I would be nothing without him. I am nothing without him. I don’t think it’s possible for me to live apart from him. I want to. I want to be able to. But I just...can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t. I’m nothing without him.”
“Who told you that?”
“I...he did,” she realized. “But, I mean, it’s true.”
“No, Rikke, it’s not.”
“Yes.”
Ben shook his head.
“You don’t understand.” She almost laughed. “I’m a terrible person. Adam kept me under control, so I didn’t hurt people. That’s why I don’t have any friends other than him.”
“You physically hurt people?”
“No.” She ran her hands through her hair. “I’m just a bitch.”
“Ah. Well, I’m sure you’re not that bad.”
“I am though.”
“And who told you that?”
She was silent.
He gave her a pointed look, probably because he knew what the answer was. “Look, Rikke.” He moved a bit closer to her on the bed. “You’re not a bitch. And it might feel like you can’t live without him right now, but it’s just not true. Okay?”
“I’ve been with him for so long...it was like...who I was. So without that, who am I?”
Ben shrugged. “I don’t know. But you’re something. That relationship didn’t define you, Rikke, it didn’t.”
She rubbed her face, regretting coming down to talk to him at all. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come down here.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s sort of a job hazard.”
She wasn’t sure if talking to him had made her feel better or worse.
“It’s late, okay? Really late, and you’ve dealt with a lot so I bet you’re tired. How about I walk you back to your room? I’ll keep your cell phone for the night so you don’t get tempted, and we can talk in the morning. I bet you’ll feel better with a little rest.”
He was right, but she didn’t want to sleep.
“I know you probably don’t want to sleep.”
She blinked. It was like he’d read her mind.
“But I really think that talking about this while you’re sleep deprived isn’t going to do you any good.” He stood up and held his hand out to her. “Come on, I’ll walk you.”
She looked at his hand. It was just another one of the things that made him a nice guy, so opposite from Adam it was almost incomprehensible. But she didn’t take the hand as she stood up.
“I can walk myself, thanks.”
“Of course.” He dropped the hand. “But you still want me to keep your cell, right?”
She put a hand on the door knob and nodded jerkily.
“All right.” He gave her a nudge out of the door. “I’ll stop by sometime early tomorrow to see if you have time to talk.”
She nodded, not really hearing what he was saying, just wanting to get out of there.
“Goodnight, Rikke.”
She hurried down the hallway and back to her room before she could do anything else.
15
Lorna
A knock on Lorna’s door woke her up. She cracked an eye and the clock told her it was almost 2:00 a.m.
“Yeah?” Lorna stumbled out of bed and opened the door. Lily stood there, looking just as tired.
“Someone’s at the door for you.”
Lorna frowned and walked out into the living room as Lily went back to bed. Surely Nash hadn’t—
Shep stood in the darkened doorway. A backpack was on his shoulder, and his head was down.
“Shep?”
He raised his head just a little, not enough so she could see his face. “I’m really sorry to wake you up.”
“It’s all right.” She rubbed sleep out of her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I need a place to stay the night.”
“Why?” She stepped closer and tried to peer into his face.
He raised his head finally. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
She frowned and reached over to flip the light on. Once the room was illuminated, the bruises on Shep’s face stood out. One eye s
ocket was several shades of red, swollen a little with a cut near the cheek bone. His jaw sported a bruise of its own and the other side of his face looked like it had been scraped on the floor.
“Jesus Christ. What happened?” She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room, shutting and locking the door behind him.
Shep shrugged. “Oh, you know. Bar fight.”
“You’re lying.” She grabbed an ice pack from the freezer.
“Okay, you’re right. It was an animal attack. A...wolverine. Rabid.”
She pressed the icepack into his hand and lifted her hand to his eye. “Shep.”
He shrugged. “I just need a couch to sleep on.”
“Of course.” She figured her roommates wouldn’t mind. “Come on, I’ve got some Aleve in my room.” He followed her into her room slowly and stiffly, like his face wasn’t the only thing that had been beaten on.
“You can put your bag down.” She rummaged in her desk for the pills.
He slipped the bag off his shoulder and to the floor. “Can I sit down? I’m kinda dizzy.” He swayed, and she grabbed his arms and helped him slowly sit on the bed.
“What happened?”
He looked down and lowered the ice pack. “Ribs hurt.”
“Lay down.” She slipped his shoes off and helped him get horizontal on the bed. He winced and put a hand to his torso.
“Let me see.” She pushed his shirt up and frowned at the bruises that littered his stomach and ribs. “They don’t look too serious.”
He nodded. “They aren’t. Just painful.”
She pulled his shirt back down. “You can sleep here on one condition.”
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
She took the ice from him and put it to his jaw. “Tell me what happened.”
“My roommate decided he didn’t want to live with a queer anymore.”
“Seriously?”
Shep nodded, and she could tell from the sad look on his face that he was telling the truth.
“I’m sorry.” It was terrible that Shep had to put up with something like this.
“Don’t worry about it, beautiful. I just need a place for the night until I get a new room.” He started to sit up. “I’ll give you your bed back.”