by Rose, Ashley
As if his words were the magic key, the tears started flowing.
She let them.
* * *
Crawling out of Travis’ arms the next day was one of the hardest things that Jaz had ever done. Although they’d slept together before, he’d never held her, not like that. She’d never been held like that. She found his behavior both disconcerting and comforting. She pulled away from him. She had to. It wasn’t in her nature to lay there and cuddle, and she needed to get out.
As she slipped on one of his sweatshirts in order head back to her dorm for the day, she wasn’t as silent as she meant to be opening the door, and he woke up.
“Where are you going?”
She tried to act casual, as if all was good. “I think I’m gonna head back to my dorm, shower and stuff.”
“Okay.” He sat up, rubbing his tousled hair. “But you know you’re welcome to shower here.”
“Yeah,” she said, looking down. “I know.”
He sighed. “All right. Well, let me get dressed, I’ll walk you.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’m not babysitting you!”
“Travis. Please. I’m grateful for your help, but I don’t need you watching me 24/7. Goodbye, I’ll talk to you...sometime.” She snapped the door shut behind her and was met with dim sunlight when she stepped out of the building. The morning sun was shrouded in clouds, casting shadows on the buildings around her. It was chilly and she crossed her arms in the oversized sweatshirt as she traveled back to her dorm on autopilot.
Her room door was in front of her before she even realized she’d arrived at her building. She felt surprisingly alone without Travis’ presence, as overbearing as he was acting. She wasn’t sure if she preferred to be alone. Once in her bedroom, she sat down and looked around.
Now what?
21
Lily
Lily grinned to herself, wrapping her arms tighter around Miles’ waist while he pulled into his driveway and came to a stop. Her feet stayed planted on the foot pegs, like he’d said, while he turned off the engine and dismounted from the bike.
She could barely contain her excitement as he helped her off the back of the motorcycle. “That was so much fun!” Her voice was muffled under the helmet and he smiled, fingers going to the buckle.
Lily waited while he freed her head and pulled the helmet off. “I love motorcycles!”
He laughed and pulled his own helmet off, making his dark hair stick up. “Yeah. They’re fun.” He pulled the backpack that held the movies and food they’d gotten on their trip off her shoulders.
“I want to learn how to drive one.” She let him lead her into the house with a hand on her back.
“Do you have a driver’s license?”
“Well, no...because of my condition, I can’t drive, not now at least. Maybe in the future.”
“I guess you’ll have to settle for riding on the back of one for now.” They descended the stairs to the basement.
“I guess.”
He put his arm around her waist and hugged her. “I promise we can go on as many rides as you want, all right?”
She nodded and hugged him back. He emptied the backpack onto the counter and fished out the movie and popcorn. “You pop the popcorn, and I’ll get the movie set up?”
As she moved toward the microwave, her brain accessed the knowledge that she’d gleaned from the relationship books. As it turned out, movies in the theater and movies in the home usually had the same outcome. They were opportunities to get close and make out. She was going to be extra perceptive to look for signs of potential romantic activity.
As the popping started in the microwave, Miles turned the lights down. It wasn’t totally dark, as the big screen TV lit up the room nicely. Unfortunately, with the lights off, the screen was going to be too bright. There would be too much contrast, and it would likely set off an attack.
“Miles?”
He looked up from the DVD player. “Yeah?”
“Um...”
He waited. “Is something wrong?”
She didn’t want to say anything. According to her books, dimming the lights was to create a romantic atmosphere, and she really wanted that. “Never mind.”
He wasn’t buying it. He came across the room. “What is it?”
She looked back at the microwave and shook her head. “It’s nothing. Really.”
His arms slipped around her torso and he turned her to face him. “Lily...” He lifted her chin gently.
She looked down. “You turned the lights down.”
“Yeah. Does that make you uncomfortable? I just thought it’d be nice.”
“It is. And I really want to engage in romantic activities with you.”
He gave her a confused look. “But?”
She sighed. “With the lights off, and the TV, it’ll be really bright and the flashing might set off one of my attacks.”
“Oh! Right.” He released her and went for the light switch. “Sorry, I should have figured it’d have the same effect as the movie theater. We’ll make sure to keep the volume down too.”
She turned back to the microwave, hating her condition. She tried to push it out of her mind by focusing on the spinning bag of popcorn, but arms slipped around her from behind and Miles pulled her body against his.
“Don’t let it bother you,” he said next to her ear.
“But the probability of romantic activity occurring is significantly diminished with the lights on. In fact, lights on means that we are in the strictly friends category.”
Miles held her tighter. “I guess we’re not gonna fit into those statistics then, because I’m not letting the lights stop me from anything.”
The suggestive tone to his voice excited her. Suggestive tones were good.
“But I don’t want you to...” He hesitated, like he didn’t know how to say what he wanted. “I want you to enjoy being with me, not just because it’s what the books tell you is expected.”
She turned in his arms. “The books tell me the right pace to move at though. I need that guide.”
“Can’t your feelings guide you?”
She cocked her head. “That would be pretty irrational.”
He smiled. “Yes, that’s the point.”
“But I can’t do that. I can’t act on my whims.”
“Why not?”
“Because my whims don’t match the pace that we should be moving at.”
“So?”
“I want to do it right.” She wrung her hands, nervously. “I don’t want to mess this up.”
“But that’s not how relationships work, Lily. You just need to do what you feel, not what you think you should feel.”
“But...”
“That’s the only way this will work. You have to listen to your feelings. Use the books to guide you, but I can’t live with the thought that you do the things that you do because you feel obligated. That won’t work.”
“I’m just afraid that...” She trailed off, not sure whether to finish her sentence.
“Go on,” he encouraged.
“I’m afraid that if I follow my feelings, I would do things that would label me as a...‘slut’.”
Miles was silent for a moment, obviously battling to control his emotions. Finally, he gave up. His face split into a grin and he laughed, letting go of her waist.
She frowned and waited for him to stop laughing, a slight flush of embarrassment creeping into her cheeks. “I don’t understand.”
Miles just laughed some more before finally containing himself and rubbing his face. “I thought that you wanted to move slower.”
She furrowed her brow. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for some time now.”
“So do it.”
“But that’s not...the boys are supposed to initiate...though, another book said that boys enjoy it when the girls take charge and...” She sighed. The books were very confusing and contradictory.
“Forget the books for a seco
nd, Lily.” Miles stepped close and touched her shoulders.
“I can’t. I need them.”
“No, you don’t.” His hands squeezed her shoulders. “Not all the time.”
She swallowed. Forget the books? She couldn’t do that, but she could choose which book she pulled from. She recalled a book she’d read in high school on how to kiss. He was taller, so she had to stand on tiptoe to press her lips against his, but he bent down a little, tilting his head to the side.
His lips were fuller than they looked, and very warm and soft. His hands on her shoulders softened their hold, like he didn’t want to make her think he was trapping her. But she wanted more. At least, her body did. She’d kissed boys before, but it had always been very planned out and strategic, usually disastrous with a lot of wet tongue and drooling.
She stepped closer, so they were toe to toe and almost touching. But instead of deepening the kiss like she’d expected, he pulled back.
She felt a blush creep into her cheeks but maintained eye contact. “I’m not very skilled in this department. I’ve read a lot of books, but I’ve found that this kind of thing can’t really be learned by reading.”
He smiled and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of her mouth, a surprisingly affectionate gesture. “That’s very true, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem. We’ll take it slow. Slow is good, yeah?”
“Yes.” She nodded and he stepped away, pulling her by the hand to the couch. “Oh, the popcorn.” She half-turned but he tugged her forward and handed her a blanket.
“I’ll get it. You get comfortable.”
As she sat down in the middle of the couch, he poured the bag of popcorn into a bowl.
“Are you warm? Cold? I can turn the heater on.”
“No thanks, unless you wanted to, I’m fine.”
“Not even a little chilly?” he prodded, bringing the popcorn and sitting beside her.
She smiled warily. “Why?”
“Well, if you’re chilly, I’d have no choice but to cuddle with you under that blanket, to keep you warm, you know?”
“Oh!” She giggled. “Right. Well, actually. I might be a little cold.”
He set the popcorn on the coffee table and held his arms out to her. After a little maneuvering, they slid easily into a comfortable position, stretched out on the couch, him lying on his back, her lying on her stomach on top of him.
“I don’t want to squish you,” she said, fidgeting on top of him.
He laughed as his arm circled her waist. “Are you kidding? What do you weigh? Like a hundred pounds?”
She shrugged. “I should be tall, you know. Like my brother. But I have stunted growth. Because of the accident and stuff. I’ve tried to gain weight, but it never sticks. I know it’s not attractive because I don’t really have any curves.”
“I was just kidding, Lily. And you do have curves, they are just smaller. They’re cute. I like them.”
“I have a hard time believing you, because that goes against biology.”
“Well, I’ll try to prove it to you.”
“How?”
“Whatever it takes.”
She looked at the TV screen as the opening credits ended and the movie started to play. “I liked kissing you.” She lifted her head to look at his face.
“I liked kissing you too.” He smiled sincerely.
“Are we going to do more of it soon?”
He laughed, his chest moving under her. “Yes. I just don’t want to rush things.”
She nodded and settled back down, but then looked up again after a moment. “But you said to follow what I feel.”
“I did.”
“And I feel like I want to kiss you.”
“So do it.”
“Don’t you want to kiss me too?” she asked.
“Oh yes.”
“So why don’t you?”
“Because I have found an appropriate balance between what I want and what I act upon. You’re still working on it, so you have to decide which stuff you want to act on, and which you want to hold off on.”
She pursed her lips. “I think I might need a flowchart.”
He grinned. “You’ll get it. No flowchart needed, just feel free to act on every whim. I’ll tell you if I’m not comfortable, so don’t worry.”
She narrowed her eyes and moved around to plant her forearms on his chest. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
“No need to warn me,” he assured her, his hands going to both sides of her waist.
She hesitated a couple seconds before dropping her head and placing a carefully aligned kiss to his lips. He kissed her back, his lips moving slightly against hers as they shifted to get closer to each other. After a few moments, Lily pulled back a little, so that they were still close but not kissing.
“I’m not sure when it’s appropriate to discuss guidelines.”
“Guidelines?” he asked, his hand running up and down her back. “Oh, you mean like, how far we’ll take this?”
She nodded. “I’m a virgin.”
Miles blinked. “Lily, we’re not even close to being ready to have sex.”
“Are you sure? Because one of the books that I read said that sex can occur during any stage of the relationship.”
“I’m sure.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because, I’m not ready to have sex yet. And even if I was, I don’t think you are.”
“I’m not. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Like I said.” He smiled at her. “We’ll take it slow, okay?”
She nodded. “But you’ll tell me, when you’re ready? So that I can decide?”
“If you want me to, sure.”
“I do.”
“But that doesn’t mean that you need to be ready.”
“I know,” she said, nodding. “I’ve thoroughly studied the signs of peer pressure related to sex, and I can recognize them instantly. I won’t stand for them,” she said firmly.
He nodded. “Good. And I would never pressure you, but you have to tell me if you feel pressured, because I might be doing it on accident.”
“Okay, I can do that. But I won’t stand for it, after that,” she said again, more firmly.
He grinned. “Awesome.”
She looked down at him, forearms still braced on his chest. He started smoothing his hand up and down her spine again. “We should watch the movie, huh?” she asked.
He nodded, putting both arms lazily around her waist. She inhaled deeply as she rested her head on his shoulder. He smelled nice, as always. And while she wasn’t accustomed to having arms around her, it felt nicer than she could have imagined. Her brother had given her hugs before, and held her through seizures. But there was a big difference, something that Lily couldn’t pinpoint. As she watched the little robot boy on the TV screen, she couldn’t keep her mind off the boy she was cuddled on top of.
His body was very appealing, especially when compared to the standards for their age. His face had nice symmetry and Lily liked to look at it. While it didn’t matter to Lily whether he was handsome or not, she could tell that he was. His short dark hair was always messy, but it was the kind of messy that she couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or not. Either way, she liked it. His body was trim. Wide shoulders framed his slightly built chest, narrowing down to his flat stomach.
Lily knew these things were supposed to attract her, if not in a social way, than in a biological way. So she had no qualms with examining his body.
“What are you thinking about?”
His voice, coming so close to her ear, startled her. “Oh. I was thinking about your body and how I’m attracted to you.”
He laughed and as he did, his arms tightened around her. She smiled and enjoyed the feel of being pressed against him.
He laughed. “I love how you’re so honest.”
She blushed. “That was one of those things that I was supposed to make up an excuse for, right?”
He shook his head
and pulled her up for a kiss. “No, never. Besides, I was thinking about your body, too.”
She blushed even deeper. “Really?”
“Yep. How can I not? You’re all cuddled on top of me, so perfect and adorable.”
She tucked her head back down against his shoulder and smiled. “You’re one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.”
22
Rikke
Ben backed up until he bumped into the bed. “What are you doing, Rikke?”
Rikke could tell by the way that he looked at her body, even though he tried to hide it, that he wanted her. And she wanted him, which was all that mattered.
“I said, prove it.” She stepped closer.
He held up a hand as if to stop her. “What are you talking about?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious what I’m talking about.” She stepped even closer despite his hand, which he moved out of the way to avoid touching her. Too bad that’s exactly what she wanted. She stepped right up to his body, curling her fingers into fists around his shirt.
“No.” He tried to pull her hands off but his fingers grazed her breasts because she was so close. “This isn’t right. You aren’t thinking straight.”
“Bullshit.” She leaned her face in close, tempting him with her lips against his jaw.
He groaned, and she knew his resolve was fading. “We really shouldn’t.”
“You’ve never done something you shouldn’t have?” She kissed down his neck, under his chin, and then back up to nip an earlobe.
He let out a sharp breath and finally touched her, just his hands on her waist, but it was confirmation enough.
She nudged them back until be bent at the knees and sat down on her bed. Rikke went with him, straddling his lap and keeping her lips close. She finally came up until her lips hovered over his.
“We shouldn’t,” he said again, but his arms held her tighter, sliding to her back.
“No, probably not.” She looked him right in the eye. It was a little unnerving, being so close, but then she lowered her eyelids slowly as she closed the distance between their lips. He didn’t kiss her back at first, but she persisted. Her lips moved against his, her tongue slipping out to caress his lower lip.