That Crazy Reality Show

by Natasha Kent

  “Are you okay with this?” he asked with mock concern.

  I smiled, tilted my head, and reached to smack him on the back of the head. He knew what was coming and grabbed my forearm. “Gotcha!” he said. I just rolled my eyes at him. He went into the bedroom before me and I looked across the apartment to see Amanda watching us.

  “You two make a cute couple,” she said winking. She turned to go into her room.

  “Hold up a sec,” I said walking over to her. She turned back to me and smiled. “What?” she asked.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked.

  “Uh-oh,” she said with mock fear. “I’m in trouble.”

  “After you,” I said pointing to the stairs.

  Once we got upstairs we went out onto the open deck that was just outside the hot tub. The view was great and it overlooked Ponce, but the view isn’t what I was wanting to show her.

  “Did I do something to piss you off?” I asked.

  “No, why.”

  “I mean what is it with you and all the gay-erotica comments?”

  “Look, I don’t have a problem with it.”

  “With what?” I said getting irritated.

  “You're being gay.”

  I snickered at that. “Excuse me?”

  “It’s alright, you know. We all knew there were rumors in school.”

  I wasn’t ready for this. “There were also rumors about you, my dear.”

  “Oh yeah, that I had two abortions. Whatever,” she said.

  “Loo, I could care less if it’s true or not, but you don’t hear me making jokes about it do you.” I told her.

  She stood and looked at me. “No.”

  “So why are you busting my balls?”

  “Mike, it’s so damn obvious you got the hots for Matt.”

  I didn’t deny it. Instead I said, “What the fuck would make you think that,” I stated.

  “Hello! Last night after you’d had a bit to drink you couldn’t take your eyes off of him.”

  “Well, I probably drank too much.”

  “Plus, just then when I brought it up you didn’t deny having the hots for him. Look, it really is cool with me. Unfortunately for me I think that y’all both pray at the same church,” she said.

  “Do what?”

  “I’m saying I think he’s gay too.”

  “What’s this gay shit?” I mean come on, I knew my parent’s would eventually be watching this. What would they think.

  “Come on, who’d you date in high school?”

  “Who’d date me?” I answered her question with a question.

  “You were cute!”

  “Please, no nerd is cute,” I told her.

  “Ok,” she continued, “did you have more girl friends or guy friends?”

  “Girl. But that’s because I wasn’t always trying to get into their skirts.” I said, and she raised her eyebrows at this.

  “Were you in sports?”

  “No.”

  “Who’s your favorite singer?”

  “Ella Fitzgerald.”

  “Who was it then?”

  “Barbra Streisand.”

  “There ya go,” she said.

  I laughed out loud. “You’re such a meshugine.” (Pronounced muh-shug-i-nuh).

  “A what?” she asked.

  “A meshugine. A crazy person. But hey, you’ve discovered the ingredients to a gay man. At least now I know that you’re smarter than a sack of hair,” I said sarcastically.

  “Why don’t you just come out and admit it?” This time she was taunting me with her smile.

  “You know” I was getting’ pissed “and what the fuck does it matter to you?” I demanded. “If I am gay, isn’t it up to me to live my own life?”

  “Look,” she said, “my brother’s gay and he went years without having a lover or a partner or anything. He was so lonely for so long.”

  “Oh, and you’ve got gaydar too, I suppose.” I said, calming down a bit.

  She smiled. “Yeah. I do.”

  I said, “Crazy bitch” to which she snickered. I leaned onto the railing of the deck and looked out onto the city, my chin in my palm. She was right, you know. I was lonely. I wanted someone to share my life with. At least someone to love me back. I’d never had that, in a boyfriend sort of way. God, and then there’s my parents. How am I going to tell them, I thought. I sat there for an eternity. Then I made up my mind and a partial weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

  “What’cha thinkin’” Amanda asked.

  I sighed. “I know what to do, but at the same time I haven’t a clue.”

  “What do you mean?” she said more compassionately than she had been.

  “I….I just don’t fuckin’ know.”

  “It’s a big step,” she said and the tears just came from nowhere and rolled down my cheeks. Amanda put her hand on my arm. Beneath all her piss and vinegar she was really a great chick. And while I was so damned afraid of what my parents would think, shit on a stick, after they’re dead and gone I’ll be too old to find someone to spend my life with.

  “I mean,” I said, “I’m a nice guy. I work hard, I’m good to people. I should…..”

  “You should what?”

  And then all of a sudden it clicked. Just like back in the tenth grade when I saw everyone else having a blast in school and I decided that hey I had to join life and live it. God gave me life and I was wasting it. Sure I was nervous at the thought of telling my folks but what’s the worst that could happen? Nothing that I couldn’t handle if I got the worst reaction. At least over time.

  “I need to call my parents” I said, looking her in the eye.

  “Yeah!” she started jumping up and down and hugging me.

  “Dammit you crazy thing! What are you so happy for.” I said, trying to be grumpy when I was really happy for the first time, deep down inside.

  “Because we can finally get going to the bar,” she had this shit-eating grin.

  I gave her a hug. “You really are a douche bag, you know.”

  “I know. So about Matt…..” she wanted to know.

  “I’m going insane!”

  “About what, Martin?” I turned as he was closing the door to the deck. I knew he hadn’t heard anything.

  “About you!” I said, then I looked at Amanda and winked. “Actually Matt, I’m not trying to be a dick, but I’m in the middle of something…..”

  He looked a bit confused.

  Amanda said, “No honey, not that kind of something.”

  Matt looked between us and shook his head. “Y’all are damned exasperating people!”

  We looked at each other and laughed as he stepped back inside. “How insane?” she wanted to know.

  “Oh my God. I mean, something clicked when we met, and I know that he thinks something did with us as well, because he practically told me, but I don’t think it’s what clicked with me” I rattled at a mile a minute.

  “Shut. Up,” She said laughing. “We’re gonna have to turn the hose on you!”

  I felt like a giddy little girl. In fact I think I started to grow boobies at that point. I could finally talk about my feelings for a guy to a person who wasn’t gay. Y’all know what that’s like. To be unashamed of who you are, to just be a man who happens to be gay. I was like a kid in a candy store.

  “Slow down” she said.

  “I remember thinking he was really cute in school, and I’ve met him here, really for the first time, and he’s just so fuckin’ nice and friendly, and he can talk serious or make gay jokes.”

  “Gay,” she said.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “He’s gotta be gay.”

  “I wish. But if he is, he’s not making it obvious, so I wouldn’t push him,” I said. “Trust me, I know what that’s like to want to stay in the closet.”

  “But how’re you gonna get him in the sack?”

  I busted out laughing. “Crazy damned thing. I’m not into the hookup thing.”

  �
�I didn’t say that you were.”

  “Dee, we just met yesterday,” now the sensible side was rearing it’s head. “How do I know that he’s just as great outside this studio? He could be a sociopath?” Ok, now I was getting fuckin’ ridiculous.

  “Stupid ass,” she said, recognizing that I was getting fuckin’ ridiculous.

  “Seriously, though, I don’t want to waste time. I want to get to know a guy before I set up house.” I’d seen too many relationships break up that way. So many guys way too eager to get their poop chutes stretched and they’ll stay with a son of a bitch for years. Morons.

  “You’re kinda old-fashioned, aren’t you.” It was more of a statement than a question.

  I thought about it for a minute. “Well, it worked for the Cleavers!” I said smiling.

  “Yeah, but June Cleaver didn’t have a penis!” she grinned.

  I let out a belly laugh. “Well, she could have been a trannie.” We both got a good laugh at that.

  “I’ll tell you what,” I said. “Matt’s a gorgeous guy. A real man’s man.”

  “Uh-huh” she agreed.

  “And he really is nice, too. I’ll just have to play it by ear. Shit!”

  “What?” she asked.

  “Well, I’m talking about him as though I have a chance. See honey, it’s a little harder if you don’t know which side a man’s bread is buttered on,” I told her.

  “Trust me, honey, he’s got it for you too.”

  “Whatever.” I doubted this was true.

  “Look how much he makes gay jokes with you.”

  “Gee, I missed that in your ingredients of a gay man,” I told her, grinning.

  “Smart ass. It’s just a feeling I get.”

  “Dee, I could never be that lucky.”

  “We’ll see. What are you gonna do now?” she wanted to know.

  I looked towards the door. “There’s a phone call I have to make.” I took a breath, crossed over to the door, opened it and went through. I went back downstairs to the little phone booth room that someone had discovered. It was tucked over near the guys’ room and I went in and passed Matt on the way.

  “Hey man, is everything ok?” he asked.

  “I hope so.” He looked at me kinda funny. “I just really need to call my parents.”

  I went into the cubby and closed the door. I was sure that the phone conversation would be taped, but what was I going to do. Their number rang four or five times before my mother picked up. “Hello?” she said.

  “Hey there Ma.”

  “Michael! I thought you were going to be on that t.v. show thing?” Mom liked to call me Michael. I didn’t like it but couldn’t exactly tell her to piss off. She’s my mom for cryin’ out loud.

  “Well I am. Say, is Dad there too?”

  “Well he’s right here, hold on. Is everything ok?” she asked.

  “I need to talk to the both of ya.”

  “Ok, let me get him.” I could hear her holler to my dad in the background. It took a second and then he finally picked up the phone. “Hello?”

  “Hi Dad, how’s it goin’?”

  “Heya Mikey,” okay, so my Dad was the one person who called me Mikey from time to time. “I thought you were going to be on that show thing?” Jesus. Two peas in a pod.

  “Y’all, I’m on it right now.”

  “How are things going?” they both asked.

  “Ok. Y’all, I really need to tell you something important.” I was blazing through this faster than I probably should have but I was really nervous. “I’m not exactly sure how to tell you this…”

  “Is everything ok, son?” my dad asked. I paused for a minute trying to catch my breath.

  “If I don’t tell you now I don’t know how I ever will, and I’m sorry for doing it on a t.v. show, because it isn’t very private, but I’ve met someone and I got to thinking….” I paused.

  “Honey, are you there?” from my mom.

  “Yeah.” God I needed a drink of water. “First, remember all those times that you told me that you’d love me no matter what?”

  “Oh no, Kim,” my dad said. “He’s gone and committed murder.”

  “Troy, will you stop that! Can’t you tell the boy’s nervous?”

  Dad laughed a bit. “I’m sorry son. Go ahead.”

  “You didn’t kill anyone did you,” my mom asked. This time they both laughed. Ugg.

  “Not quite. Um. I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. Mom, Dad, you won’t be getting grandkids from me.” Oh shit. Mentally I rolled my eyes back in my head. Where the frig did that come from?

  “Excuse me?” mom asked.

  “Ugg. Y’all. That didn’t come out right. What I’m trying to say is…” here goes “I won’t be having children because…” dammit Martin, just say it! “I’m gay.” There I said it! I held my breath as there was complete silence on the phone. “Dammit, did the line go dead?” I asked holding the phone and looking at it.

  “Mom. Dad?”

  “We’re still here.”

  I was incredulous. “I just dropped that bomb and y’all don’t say anything?” Tears welled up in my eyes.

  “Michael,” my Mom said, “we’ve always known that.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. “What?”

  “Mike, well, we should say that we had suspected that you were. Or are.”

  “Huh? Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

  “Well son,” dad said chuckling, “we figured you already knew.”

  “Troy! Stop it!”

  “Sorry Kim,” Dad said.

  “And y’all don’t mind?”

  “Oh, good Lord no! You’re our son and we love you.”

  “I was so damned afraid you’d…. I don’t know, disown me.”

  “Have you killed anyone?” Dad said.

  “Dad!”

  “Alright then. Look Mike, you’re my son and I love you. That’s about all there is to it.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. But I didn’t get the “suspected” thing that they had mentioned.

  “What did you mean by ‘suspected’,” I asked.

  “Well,” dad said, “you never really dated in school-“

  “-plus most of your friends were girls-“ Mom interrupted.

  “You didn’t do sports-“ Dad went on.

  “-and you loved Barbra Streisand!”

  Christ on a bicycle! Mom and Dad gave me the same list as Amanda. I shook my head and laughed. “You know,” I said, “I’ve heard this before.”

  “Oh?” my mom said.

  “Well, I just wanted to let you know because I met someone here in the studio that seems like a really nice guy, and I didn’t want you watching this on television in a few months and see me drool all over the guy. Y’all have no idea what kind of burden has been lifted from me.” I told them.

  “We understand, honey. But please, you know you can always talk to us. About anything,” Mom said.

  “Hey Mikey, you’re not gonna become one of those flamer types, are ya?”

  “Troy!!!” Mom hollered. Dad and I both busted out laughing. I knew he was kidding because he’s where I got a good bit of my sense of humor from.

  “It’s ok Mom. He’s just being a goofball.” Ok, now the entire world felt different to me. I honest to God felt like a whole new man. It’s indescribable. We talked a little bit longer before Albert started knocking on the door to the booth.

  “Y’all I gotta go now. I love you.”

  “We love you too, son,” they said in unison. Then Dad said to my mom “Jinks, you owe me a Coke.”

  “Troy, you’re the biggest dork sometimes. Bye Mike. Have fun. We’ll talk to you later!”

  “Bye y’all!” I hung up the phone and left the booth. Matt was standing at the island fixing a glass of water.

  “Everything ok?” he asked.