“You should stand back.” I quickly grab a canteen of water and make my way to the doorway.
“Why?” Gretchen asks, not moving and standing her ground.
“Because I’m leaving. And I’m taking this one with me,” I grab Raven by the arm. It doesn’t take anything to convince her to come with me. Her body falls naturally in step with mine.
“You’re not leaving,” Gretchen commands. “And you’re certainly not taking that one.”
“Yes, I’m doing both. I’m leaving and taking Raven with me. That leaves two girls for each of us. At this point, they are safer if they’re separated. Who knows how many more rebel factions have found us and are just biding their time?”
I can tell by the way she narrows her eyes the idea of competition from a rebel group annoys Gretchen. “Girls…” I turn to address Violet and Lilly. “You two stay with Gretchen. She will protect you for now, and I will be back for the Letting tomorrow. I will not leave you alone.”
The girls nod.
“You’re insane,” Gretchen warns me. “He will kill you the second he lays eyes on you.”
“Maybe so, but he didn’t the last time. And he won’t kill this one,” I say, moving Raven in front of me. I place my hands protectively on her shoulders. “Look at her, Gretchen. She’s the spitting image of him.”
Gretchen carefully assesses Raven’s long dark hair and piercing blue eyes. But the look on Gretchen’s face is not the look I’m expecting. There’s no longing in her gaze, no softness. If Gretchen is in love with Phoenix, I would have thought there would be at least a small spot in her heart for his sister. Maybe I’m wrong about them. Maybe Gretchen doesn’t have those feelings. They’re illegal anyway. But I would have thought she, a literal rebel, would not have cared about a law. Not like me, the rule follower.
I’m wasting too much time. I stuff the canteen into an old green canvas backpack. I toss the bag over my shoulder and walk to the door. Raven is right beside me. I open the door and Gretchen speaks. “If I had a gun, I’d shoot you.”
“No you wouldn’t,” I challenge, turning back to her. “My blood is too expensive to let it spill out all over a cabin floor. And besides, you know he has a plan. And that plan gets me to the Letting.”
“If anyone else finds you, you’ll suffer a fate worse than death.” Somehow, she seems almost happy about it.
“Better me than her.” I point to Raven. “Better me than any of you.”
“Oh spare me the Saint Veronica spiel,” Gretchen whines. “I have lived with it for way too long and it’s nauseating.”
I stare at her for a moment, wondering if deep inside there is any glimmer of the friend I once thought was mine. Her eyes are cold and unyielding. Sadly, they tell me what I need to know. I take Raven’s hand tightly in mine, and together, we storm out of the cabin.
Halfway to the waterfront, I stop for some mushrooms. Suddenly, and like always when I pick my mushrooms, I am overtaken with thoughts of my mother. Could I have been wrong about her, too? Could she still be alive? And if so, where could she be? Does she know who I am and what I’ve been doing? Could she possibly forgive me? Then the big thought hits me. Could she possibly know how I feel about him? And could she ever explain to me why?
I look down at Raven who waits patiently for me. She turns her face up and smiles at me. One look at Raven’s blue eyes and I know I would do anything for those eyes. They are so much like her brother’s. I am too confused to trust food in my stomach right now. I stuff the mushrooms into my pocket, and we press on.
We make it to the waterfront without incident. Once I step foot on the sand, I feel my body relax and my breathing slow. Somehow, for some reason, I feel safer here. It is mere moments before he comes running forward.
“I am not shielding another one of your charges,” he yells at me. “I am trying to lead a revolution.”
He turns his back on us and begins to storm away but I’m getting really tired of all of this. I chase after him. Within a few steps, I am able to catch him. I grab his arm, and he spins around. His eyes meet mine, and I expect to see fury, but instead I see only passion. Passion for the revolution he is leading. And I know he is supposed to hate me, but there’s something about the way he looks at me. I’m not completely convinced. We are standing much too close, but neither one of us takes a step back.
“What if the Devil doesn’t know he’s the Devil?” I ask.
Phoenix shakes his head, confused. “What?”
“Why? Why does the bad I’ve done have to define me?”
“Because you’re a murdering sadist,” he snaps back at me.
“No, I am not.” I clench my teeth, standing my ground. I am tired of these labels I am suddenly wearing. “I never, I mean never knew what happened to those girls I led to the Lettings. I am so very sorry I played any role in this vile enterprise in which we exist, but I was clueless. Maybe I’m ignorant, or downright stupid, but I would rather have been dead than be responsible for hurting anyone. And before you go throwing malicious names around, maybe it’s time you consider maybe you’re wrong...? What if you kidnapped and tortured me in the name of a revolution that is wrong?”
“It’s not,” he argues.
“But I didn’t think I was wrong, either.” I am exasperated. “Don’t you get it?” He takes a step back away from me, but I go on. “We are completely turned around. The only information we’re fed is from a corrupt enterprise. What makes you think your information is any more accurate than mine?”
For the first time ever, he looks terrified. I let a moment go by before I gesture for Raven to come over and she hurries to my side.
“This is Raven,” I say, slowly, talking to Phoenix. “She’s your sister.”
The color in Phoenix’s face drains completely, and he looks like he has just taken a bullet to the heart. He steps back, away from the two of us, but his eyes do not divert from Raven. He never looks away from her.
“It’s true,” she assures him, quietly.
Phoenix just stares at her, his intense eyes soften as his brain tries to fathom what his eyes see: long black hair, tanned skin, eyes the color of the brightest summer sky. The two of them are exactly the same, and they are both strikingly beautiful.
“I couldn’t have…” he starts to say, but her smile drowns out his words.
“You do. Our mother was pulled from her trip to the New World and called to the Coupling soon after you left the city. She served for quite some time, but I was her only offspring. Despite her low number of offspring, she was still honored for doing her job because she produced an O. I was brought to camp as soon as possible. They let me stay with her until I was nine because O’s hadn’t become extinct yet.”
Phoenix just nods. “Is she in the New World now?” he asks, his voice low and unsteady.
“I don’t know,” Raven answers. They speak in a way I imagine could only occur between siblings. They seem to anticipate each other’s words, and watching their eyes glaze over at the thought of their mother, I can tell they feel each other’s pain.
“So, I’m going to ask this one time,” I say, looking directly into his eyes. He looks so intense and so incredibly smart, for a moment I am lost. “Are you certain you are right about all of this?”
“Yes,” he replies, his focus returning to me.
“Okay. Then I’m fighting with you.” He laughs for a few moments, then composes himself and stares at me. Neither Raven nor I have moved.
“So, you’re telling me these past twenty-four hours have turned you into a rebel against the very government that honors you for your…work?” He very nearly spits the last word.
“I’m tired of being a pigeon,” I yell. “And I’m tired of behaving. And I’m tired of working for the wrong cause. You said yourself, the moment you thought you lost your mother to the New World, you decided to fight. Well, I had my moment of clarity, too. I want to do something to make up for all of the wrong I’ve done. I want to fight with you.” I keep
my voice as calm as I can. I look deep into his eyes when I speak. He returns my stare, hesitating for a moment, then the anger returns.
“You can’t just decide to do that.” He begins to pace, back and forth, just feet away from us.
“Why not?” I ask with my eyes locked on his.
“Yeah, why not?” Raven asks, in her tiny but forceful way.
“Because you’re my prisoner.” Like everything we’re discussing is black and white. “And you’re the enemy.” His voice is softer, his words filled with anguish.
“Why?” I ask.
“Why? Why? Because you’re Veronica Billings. That’s why.”
“So what?” I ask, my voice rising. I feel the humidity of the day sneak up on us. I am drenched in sweat, standing there, staring at him, ready for my words to strike deeply somewhere inside him. And as I speak, I realize I want nothing more than to be on this boy’s side. I just pray it’s for the right reason.
“So what?” he asks. “So what? You’re the reason I started this revolution.” He takes a step back and runs his hand through his hair.
“So change your reason. Do it to change the New World, do it for revenge for your mother, do it to depose Farnsworth. I don’t care. But don’t do it because of me. I am incredibly unimportant.”
As I speak, I notice he is staring at my mouth, watching it move.
“What?” I ask, reaching up and wiping the sweat that’s accumulated on my upper lip. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?” he barks.
Despite it all, I can tell his anger is just a defense.
“I don’t know. It was just…weird. Anyway,” I shake my head. “I can be your ally. No one knows the Letting process better than I do. Let me help you.”
“What kind of a fool would I be if I let that happen?” he asks. “Why should I believe the great Veronica Billings is just going to jump ship and fight for the good guys? Why should I believe you?” He will not back down. “You are my sworn enemy.”
“I never said I was your enemy.”
“But you are. All that you stand for. Everything you believe in.”
“I’ve never known anything else. Can’t you see that?” I feel the words beginning to tighten in my throat. My voice is cracking now as I try to explain. “I was ten when I was called to the camp. I was told who I was to become and what I was to do. I never challenged anyone because I thought what they told me was right. Why wouldn’t I? There was never any reason for me to doubt what happened. But once you came”—I feel heat rush to my cheeks—“you showed me I was wrong. And I want to change.”
“This has to be some game you’re playing—”
“It’s not.”
“Gunnar warned me. He said I should never be alone with you because…” His words trail off.
“Because why?”
“Because Gunnar thought my feelings for you were too violent. He kept telling me hate is too close to…” His voice thickens. “He said I was infatuated with you.” He tries to laugh off the statement, but he’s unsuccessful. Instead, he looks down, avoiding my eyes.
“With me?” I ask, stunned at this revelation. “Infatuated with me? But why?”
“Because you’re so beautiful,” offers a tiny voice. I turn, startled to see Raven still standing there.
“What?” I ask, shocked by the turn this conversation has taken.
“Because you’re so beautiful,” Phoenix whispers, repeating Raven’s words.
My cheeks burn, and my breathing grows shallow. I look down at my feet and dig a tiny hole with my boot. I shake my head. When I look up, he is still there staring at me. His eyes are as intense as always but he looks incredibly confused. My heart aches to think I’m the one who made him like this. He looks at me quietly and with resolve. Then he steps forward and raises his hand alongside my head. Despite the bruising and the beating I took at the hands of Gunnar and Buzzcut, I don’t even flinch. I draw in a breath that is longer and more deliberate. I am perfectly still as Phoenix places his hand on my cheek. He strokes it gently, letting his finger cascade softly over the bruising. He stands there, touching me for what feels like whole minutes. Then he leans in, close to me. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into my ear.
“What the hell?” I hear behind me, and I whip around just in time to see Buzzcut standing there with a loaded shotgun pointed straight at me.
Chapter Nine
I can feel the electricity running through my body. It comes from an odd combination of excitement from being near Phoenix, and fear from being in the site of Buzzcut and his loaded gun. As Buzzcut bounces on his toes, I become increasingly concerned he might fire accidently.
Phoenix has stepped in front of me now, shielding both Raven and me from Buzzcut. I can see the fury in Buzzcut’s eyes, but despite the intensity of the situation, my mind keeps pondering what Phoenix meant by that “sorry.” Is he sorry I was beaten? Is he sorry he was wrong about me? Is he sorry he can’t believe me? Or is he sorry he and I could never happen? I close my eyes and silently pray that it’s not the last. Then I reprimand myself for thinking even that. When did I become a rule-breaker? Could one handsome, taboo boy change me? Should I let him? But…maybe it’s another change for the better…? It is very possible this law could be wrong, too. I’ve always believed people should be allowed to choose who they want to be with. Just one thought of his intense blue eyes and his strong hand brushing against my cheek ever-so-softly, and I believe in freedom of choice now more than ever. I drop my eyes to the ground and will myself to stay quiet and not look at Buzzcut.
“What are you doing, man?” Buzzcut asks Phoenix.
“I’m getting everyone to the Letting alive.”
“Looks to me like you were getting chummy with the prisoner.”
“Well then, you’d better reconsider what you saw.”
“I saw what I saw, man,” Buzzcut’s bouncing grows more intense, and I fear for Phoenix’s safety. “What? Were you going to kiss her?”
My head snaps up and my eyes dart to the back of Phoenix’s head, looking for an answer. Was he going to kiss me? I look down at Raven. She looks calm and unshaken.
“I’m not even going to answer that,” Phoenix replies.
I listen for the note of disgust in his voice, but I don’t hear it. My heart lifts slightly with hope, and I know this will be my fatal flaw. Hope.
I have survived all of these years by being a machine, by doing exactly as I was told, and trying desperately not to hope for something more. And yet for the first time in seven years I feel alive, and I like the feeling. Maybe to be alive, you must have hope. Maybe it’s time to stop being a good follower and to jump in with both feet. Maybe I have to take a chance and fight for something. The government has lied to me and to all of us. And this boy—this rebel leader who hates me, all that I stand for, and my very soul—this boy is giving me something to hope for once again. It’s time to take a chance. Because even if there is nothing for me, even if I don’t survive, maybe my sacrifice can help offer Lulu, Raven, Lilly, and Violet a better world. I know it can’t make up for all the bad I’ve done, but at least I can do one positive act before I die. I brace myself and step out from behind Phoenix.
“I want to fight with you,” I tell Buzzcut, as calmly as I can.
“What?” he asks, his face turning red.
“Veronica,” Phoenix cautions, his voice trailing off sternly at the end of my name.
He tries to step in front of me again, but I move away.
“I was ignorant, yes, but I swear I didn’t know what was happening to those girls I brought to the New World.” I speak as plainly as I can. I look at Buzzcut to see if anything I say registers with him. He shakes his head.
“You really are a rat,” he hisses, icily. “The ship’s going down, and you’re trying to jump on any lifeboat you can.”
“That’s not true,” I yell.
Buzzcut lifts his shotgun and aims it directly at me.
“A
ll right,” Phoenix chides. “That’s enough. Put the gun down, Eric.”
Buzzcut points his gun down, but still holds it tightly. Facing countless opportunities for my death is so surreal it offers me a sense of calm. Hmm. Buzzcut’s real name is Eric. Doesn’t matter. I’ll never think of him as anything but Buzzcut. That is, if I get away from this waterfront alive.
“So, what?” Buzzcut asks, staring at Phoenix. “You’re on her side now?”
“I’m on our side.” Phoenix speaks as if he’s consoling a troubled child. “Just as I’ve always been. I am here to topple the corrupt government and end the Lettings. I want to bring equality to our world, same as I always have.”
“But now your plan includes trusting the enemy?” Buzzcut asks. “This is unbelievable, Phoenix, man! Come on. After all this time, you expect us to just invite Veronica Billings into our revolution? What are you thinking, man?”
“I’m thinking we need to get to the Letting tomorrow. She will be our foot in the door.”
He is interrupted by the sound of footsteps at the base of the path. We all turn to see Gunnar, Gretchen, and Lulu.
“And then what?” Gunnar asks. “Then you run off with your girlfriend?”
“I’m not answering any more of that crap,” Phoenix snaps.
“You’d better start talking,” Gunnar warns, lifting his gun and pointing it at Phoenix. My breathing comes faster and faster, and I turn to face Phoenix. There is something about him standing there, his dark hair disheveled and his unshaven chin dark as night. Something tells me to trust him. And every instinct I have is to protect him. Without even thinking, my body moves toward Phoenix.
“Really?” Phoenix asks Gunnar. “You’re going to shoot me?”
“Why the hell not?” Gunnar asks. “Have you turned on me, Phoenix?”
“No,” Phoenix bellows. “But what about you, Gunnar? Huh? We got into this to make the world a better place. All you want to do is to overpower people on your way to take over from Farnsworth.”
“At least I have a plan,” Gunnar growls.
The Letting Page 9