The Letting

by Cathrine Goldstein

“Yes,” Phoenix confirms.

  “Cool.” She hops down and walks over to us.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  After a short bout of fitful sleep, we spend the next few hours in a frenzy of prepping everyone and everything for Farnsworth’s “Message to the People” and consequently, his abdication speech. Phoenix, Raven, and I work together seamlessly, and Farnsworth is so overwhelmed, he simply stays out of our way. If it wasn’t all a matter of life and death, this would almost be fun. We have it orchestrated down to the last detail. I sit on a window ledge overlooking the ocean, putting the finishing touches on Farnsworth’s speech, when Phoenix walks over to me. I feel him near me before I even see him.

  “Oh,” I say with a small start. He is standing incredibly close to me. “I didn’t realize—”

  He takes the pen from my hand, and I look past him to see we are nearly alone. There is only Raven, sitting cross-legged on top of a table on the other side of the room, staring at a few pieces of paper. Everyone else must have left to prep Farnsworth. Phoenix looks over his shoulder at Raven, and she gives us a big smile. She hops down off the table and clears out of the room…then we are alone.

  Almost immediately, my breathing grows shallow and perspiration begins to dot my forehead. My eyes are locked on his. The yearning I’m feeling is driving me wild. Phoenix reaches up over me and places both hands on the windowsill behind me. He is looking at me so intensely, I feel naked. I blush and look away, but he takes one hand from the windowsill and places it on my chin. Gently, he guides my chin back up until I look him directly in the eyes. He has complete control now. I am trapped, cornered like a wounded animal, but yet I close my eyes and pray there is no escape.

  “Ronnie,” he whispers. “I don’t know what’s going to happen here tonight. I don’t know if your crazy, convoluted scheme can work. But what I do know is I am so very proud to be working with you. You are smart, and beautiful, and loyal, and strong, and fierce. And I love you, Veronica Billings.”

  “What?” I look up at him.

  “I love you,” he repeats.

  “I love you too,” I whisper. I throw my arms around him and push myself toward him. We hold each other so tightly our breathing falls into time. He leans down and kisses me. One kiss leads to another and soon our mouths are locked together.

  “Wait.” I push him away, although, I don’t want to. “I can’t. I can’t. Not after Brooke.”

  “Ronnie,” he sighs. “This time you are going to listen while I explain.” He holds me tightly by the shoulders, so there is no chance to get away. “I did have a past with Brooke. Yes. I’m sorry for it, now. There’s nothing I can do about that. But nothing you think happened, yesterday, did. Ron, we talked and I uh…I poisoned her with your mushrooms.”

  “What?” I ask, much too loudly, breaking free of his grasp.

  “I had to do something. I knew giving her one mushroom wouldn’t kill her. It would just knock her out for a while.”

  “How did you find the right mushroom?” I am in awe of him.

  “I saw them when I checked out the bikes. That’s what took so long. You kept her talking, so I hoped some part of you understood what I was doing.”

  “You’re sure they were the right ones?”

  “I listened when you explained about the circular spores.”

  “How did you get her to eat them?” He looks away. “Phoenix? How?”

  “I uh, I told her they were an aphrodisiac.”

  “You what?”

  “I’m sorry, Ron. But I had to do something. And she…well…for all of her show, she’s afraid of intimacy.”

  “You mean you two never?”

  “Never. Never. I promise. We had a relationship, yes. And we did some things couples do. But no. Never that. She was adamantly opposed.”

  “Because of the Couplings,” I murmur, realizing. “Because she was sentenced at such a young age.”

  “Maybe so.”

  “So why last night?”

  “She would have poked needles in her eyes to get even with you,” he explains. “She always thought I was in love with you, even way back then. That’s why I never pushed her.”

  “But you wanted to?” I ask, feeling like I’m six years old. I feel the sweat accumulate under my arms.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “I knew there was someone else out there for me. I have wanted you for as long as I’ve been hunting you. Actually”—a small grin spreads across his face—“much, much longer.”

  “But you never even knew what I looked like way back then.”

  “Of course I did. Do you really think it took me this long to find you?” he grins again. “Really? I knew where you were. And I’m not proud of it, but I watched you every chance I had. I was so confused. I thought you were my enemy, but still I wanted you so very much.”

  “You’re not confused anymore?” I ask. He leans forward and puts his arms up against the windowsill again, once again pinning me and holding me as his very willing hostage. It feels so good, I breathe him in deeply, trying to make the moment last forever.

  “Things have never been so clear,” he murmurs, leaning down and kissing me gently. This time I know it is only us, and I let his mouth open mine. His hands make their way down my back, and one of his arms wraps entirely around my waist. The other reaches up and holds the back of my head. For whole minutes we are lost—not in the New World or the Old, but in our own world. And it is exactly where we should be.

  ****

  “Sorry, guys,” Raven interrupts in a soft voice. She’s come back to collect us. “But Farnsworth’s freaking out.”

  Phoenix and I pull apart and I do the best I can to compose myself. I catch him doing the same. He smiles a smile meant only for me.

  “All right,” Phoenix says, smoothing his clothing. “Should we go try to pull this thing off?”

  “Yup,” Raven chirps, skipping ahead of us, out of the room.

  “You ready?” I ask Phoenix as we walk through the door.

  “It’s been years, and I’m here because of you. It’s not the way I expected it to be, but still…thanks to you, I’m here.”

  “You’re going to be great,” I whisper, my words choking me.

  “You too,” he reassures me, and just then, Grace and the rest of Farnsworth’s entourage run up to us and hustle us to separate rooms to dress for the broadcast.

  ****

  Raven and I have been brought to what was once, and may be again, my bedroom. Lilly and Violet are in their own room, being watched by someone Grace trusts. I can tell Grace is nervous as she begins setting out clothing for Raven and me. The room is so large we each have our own private space to shower and prep. Silently and without question, we each slip into the dress Grace has chosen for us. When Grace has zipped me up, I turn and catch a glimpse of Raven. She is so beautiful, she takes my breath away.

  “Raven,” I gasp, “you look gorgeous.”

  She is in a dress that is the perfect blend of sophistication and youth. The deep blue color accentuates her eyes and complements her skin coloring perfectly. Her hair is up, making her appear serious but still age-appropriate. She needs to be publicized as a knowledgeable child, and Grace has nailed it.

  “Yeah? You should take a look in a mirror,” Raven responds, smiling. Once again, it never occurs to me to look. I turn around and stare at myself in the full-length mirror. I am in a silk, crimson red dress, wrapped tightly at my waist and only slightly fuller at my feet. There is a long slit up my left leg, and the top of the dress gathers from the waistline into an opened fan over my breasts. Tiny straps as thin as spaghetti hold the dress in place. Grace has brushed my hair and draped it over my shoulder. This time, she’s applied makeup to my eyes and cheeks, and the shiny thing she put on my lips has color. The nails on my hands and my toes have been painted with a shiny red paint. She has pulled all focus away from my most recent injury, the cut on my inner forearm. This time I don’t laugh at what I see. This time I recognize the imp
ortance of what we’re doing. This time I see Grace has made me look stunning. And hopefully it will work.

  Silently the three of us leave my bedroom and begin to walk down one of Farnsworth’s long hallways. How easy it was when I was only trying to outsmart him. Now, I need to convince an entire population they should listen to me. It might be easier if I believed I was worthy of being listened to. I take a deep breath as we near the end of the hallway.

  We step outside, and I am surprised to see Phoenix standing by the car waiting for us. He is dressed in a snug navy blue suit with an opened light blue shirt underneath and his shoes are black and shiny. He kept the slight beard, and although he looks like a tame version of himself, he is still incredibly handsome. I want to run to him, but circumstances will never allow it.

  Instead, I offer a small, private smile. We walk to the car, and he stands aside to let us in.

  As Raven slides in, I wait next to Phoenix and feel him breathe me in. He squeezes my hand for much longer than he should. “You look...wow,” he whispers to me.

  “You too,” I giggle.

  I slide in next to Raven. Phoenix stays at his station until Grace has made her way in. She also looks beautiful in a simple, elegant off-white suit. Then one of Farnsworth’s bodyguards wheels Farnsworth out. He looks as good as Farnsworth has ever looked. He’s wearing a white suit with a navy shirt, and his hair is combed just right. He has trouble climbing into the car, so Phoenix very subtly helps him. Although I’m sure Farnsworth hates it, I see he respects Phoenix for it. For a moment we’re all so cordial, I forget we’re playing an elaborate game.

  No one speaks a word on the way to the convention center, but Phoenix sits up tightly against me, his thigh pressed against mine. It feels strong and so good, I push back as hard as I can. By the time we arrive at the center, my thigh is sore from the isometric exercise, but I don’t care. We leave the car in the reverse order we entered, and are quickly whisked to the backstage area of a large platform stage. It is where Farnsworth gives his live speeches to his nation. They broadcast in the city as well, but no one there really ever wanted to watch them. I wonder if that will change now. People I have never seen before busy themselves attaching things called “microphones” and “ear pieces” to us. The microphone is so sensitive it broadcasts my hurried breathing. I have no idea how to stay calm through this.

  Phoenix senses my nervousness and does his best to stay by my side. But tonight isn’t about me. Tonight is about convincing a nation.

  I stand backstage and look up into the early night sky. The sky here is, in no way, as clear as it is back home. Home. I hesitate to even think the word, because camp really isn’t my home anymore. Truthfully, no place is. Then I look at Phoenix standing protectively close to me, and I know exactly where my home is, with him.

  Raven comes up and slips her hand into mine. “It will be okay.” I look at her and tilt my head. “We’re doing what’s right,” she assures me.

  I smile at her and reach down to stroke her cheek. She is so beautiful and so brilliant, but still so young. For how many years did I do what I thought was right, only to find I was completely wrong? But it doesn’t matter. We’re out of time and options. This has to work.

  Before any of us are ready, it’s show time. Phoenix, Raven, and I hold hands backstage, and I notice we’ve each bowed our heads, saying our own silent prayers.

  Mine is easy: “Please, God, keep them alive.” I repeat this over and over again until it’s become my mantra.

  A drum roll crashes around us, making me jump. A huge curtain opens and we step forward onto a stage that seems every bit as large as my camp grounds. The audience grows very quiet, as we stand beside the podium. I sneak a look at Phoenix and catch a nervous expression on his face. Only Raven seems unaffected by our confusing welcome. She smiles as if she was born to be here. And maybe she was. The audience shuffles and mumbles, and I have to wonder if Farnsworth has tricked us. Has he left us up here to die, both figuratively and literally? I peer out at the audience and I am amazed by these people. There are different generations standing together, but one person looks as young as the next. It is going to be nearly impossible to convince these people to give up their blood.

  After what seems an eternity, Farnsworth enters the stage to a standing ovation and thunderous applause. He waves and smiles, somehow, summoning the strength to walk out himself. I am certain Grace is backstage ready with his wheelchair. “Ladies and gentlemen,” Farnsworth begins. “I am afraid tonight I come to you with a heavy heart.” Mumbling is heard from the people. “I am here to tell you our way of life is in jeopardy. Everything you have and know could be eradicated.” Gasps are heard. A quiet ruckus begins. “The way of our world, must change. Our precious blood supply is nearly depleted. Our sources in the city have run dry.”

  “Secure more Couplings,” someone shouts and I watch Phoenix use every ounce of strength he has to refrain from pouncing on the man.

  “If only it were that easy,” Farnsworth answers. “But we have run out of O. And there is no one left to match to create it.” Farnsworth looks at me out of the corner of his eye as he speaks. I feel the camera broadcasting the show, close in on my face. It moves to pan the crowd, and more gasps and sounds of horror spread throughout the audience.

  “We need that blood,” someone else yells. The crowd begins to grow unruly, and I see the perspiration form on Farnsworth’s forehead.

  “I know, ladies and gentlemen.” Farnsworth clears his throat. “That’s why, here, tonight, I announce my abdication as Principal Leader.”

  The people of the Inferno draw a collective breath, and people begin to shout questions. Farnsworth puts up his hands to silence them.

  “What I said before is true. You are not safe here anymore. Not only has your blood supply been depleted, but very soon a large group of organized rebels will come to attack all of us in the New World.”

  Shouting is heard from the people. Again, he puts up his hands, and again the people quiet.

  “There is only one person who may be able to help us.” Farnsworth looks at me, smiling. “Ms. Veronica Billings.”

  “Veronica Billings,” someone cries. “She is the Leader who supplies the blood.”

  “Thank you, honey,” a woman shouts. “I’m seventy-three.” Staring at her, I would never guess she was more than my mother’s age. Just as I suspected, they will never give up their blood willingly. But this is what I’m banking on.

  “I ran a marathon three weeks ago,” another woman squeals. “Thanks to the latest crop of blood you delivered.” Spontaneous applause erupts, and I look at Phoenix. I was right. They’ll never face the bad we’ve done. Instead, they are venerating me for doing it for them. Suddenly, they begin to chant my name.

  “VER-ON-I-CA. VER-ON-I-CA. VER-ON-I-CA.”

  They do this over and over, until I approach the podium to speak.

  “Thank you,” I say, quietly. The microphone crackles, and I stand up tall. Farnsworth walks up next to me, and Raven stands next to him. For a second, I am struck by the fact that together we are dressed in red, white, and blue. I can’t remember why or where I heard it, but I know those colors mean something, and somehow, for some reason, they give me strength. I focus.

  “Thank you for that kind welcome.” My head is throbbing. Guilt overwhelms me while I watch these people. Inside nearly every one of them is the blood of a girl I have sent to her death. “I am honored to be chosen by Former Principal Leader Farnsworth to be your new Acting Principal Leader.” I pause and take a deep breath. I exhale, slowly. “But unlike him, I am not happy with the society you have built in the New World, and I have some hard truths to tell you. First, we will be attacked. Soon. When we are attacked, if you try to save yourself by banding with the rebels, they will turn on you and kill and torture your women and children.”

  Horrified gasps are heard. I am certain someone faints in the distance.

  “Second, when they come, they will come directly f
or me and Raven.” I lift Raven’s hand in the air.

  “Why should we care?” someone shouts.

  “Because we are the last two remaining O’s,” I say, flatly. “And without us, you will have no more blood.” I look out into the crowd, and I can tell by their faces this scares them, most of all. “This is why we must band together. We must stop the rebels as a team.” I draw a huge breath. “And once it is over and we have survived, Farnsworth will again be your Principal Leader.”

  I look across them. They are so foreign to me I might as well have stepped into a civilization of spoiled aliens. Looking at them, hinging on my every word, I can’t let them off this easily.

  “You need to know what I did as a Leader was wrong. And what you’re doing is wrong, too.” Gasps are heard. I am nearly paralyzed by shame. “But I know you never meant to hurt anyone, just as I never realized what I was doing was wrong. I never realized I was—”

  “A child killer?” shouts a voice from the audience. It is a voice I know all too well. And it’s early.

  “Gunnar,” I shout and as fast as I can, I grab Raven and pull her off the stage with me. Phoenix stands at the microphone and I close my eyes, praying Gunnar doesn’t shoot him dead.

  “It’s a rebel attack,” Phoenix yells. Gunnar and the rebels let out wild calls and shouts as they march forward through the crowd. The people stand still, stupefied. They have no idea what a rebel attack means. A gunshot goes off, and I stop in my tracks. I turn back and thankfully, Phoenix is still standing. “They want to kill you and steal your way of life,” Phoenix is shouting. “Lock your doors. Keep your children inside.”

  Chaos ensues.

  “Kill him,” I hear Gunnar shouting at his rebels, pointing at Phoenix. “He’s a traitor. Kill him!”

  I want to move forward toward Phoenix, but something is attached to my arm, pulling me back. From my vantage point behind the stage, everything looks like it’s moving so very slowly. One of the rebels shoots a man standing only a few feet away from him, and it seems as if the man’s splattering blood is travelling through molasses. Voices grow distorted, and I can no longer trust my eyes or my ears. I feel as if I’m watching another time and dimension. I realize the pull I am feeling is Grace. She has grabbed me by the arm and is pulling me to Farnsworth’s limousine. I have such a tight grip on Raven I drag her along with me. I crane my neck, looking for even a glimpse of Phoenix, but I don’t see him anywhere. Before I can take my next breath, I am pushed into Farnsworth’s car and Phoenix is swallowed up by the crowd.