by Dan Gutman
That had to be the lamest song in the history of the world. But Andrea was belting it out like she was on Broadway. What is her problem?
“Okay, that concludes this meeting of the Beaver Scouts,” said Miss Blake.
“Are we going to go spelunking?” Neil asked.
“No!” barked Miss Blake.
“When do we get to blow stuff up?” I asked.
“Never!”
“So . . . we can go home?” Michael asked.
“No!” barked Miss Blake. “First we have to do the Beaver Growl.”
We got down on all fours again and scurried around the floor, making beaver sounds.
I wonder if real beavers get together each week and act like people. They would probably stand up on their hind legs and chat about the weather or sing songs about what they were going to eat for dinner.
That would be weird.
The next meeting of the Beaver Scouts was in the gym at school. Miss Blake was waiting for us.
“I hope you all memorized the Beaver Scout Handbook,” she barked.
“I did!” shouted Andrea, who always does anything grown-ups tell her to do.
“Can I get a drink of water?” asked Neil.
“No!” barked Miss Blake. “Water is for wimps. What if you’re out in the desert and there’s no water? Today we’re going to learn survival skills.”
“I thought Beaver scouting was gonna be fun,” I grumbled under my breath.
“It’s not about fun, buster!” barked Miss Blake. “Beaver scouting is about survival! It’s dog-eat-dog out there.”
I didn’t know that dogs eat other dogs. But what did dog food have to do with anything?
“Let’s warm up with some jumping jacks!” barked Miss Blake.
Ugh. I hate jumping jacks. Who came up with that idea?*
“Jumping jacks are fun!” shouted Andrea.
“ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . . FOUR . . .”
We did about a million hundred jumping jacks. I thought I was gonna die. By the end, Andrea was the only one who was still jumping, so Miss Blake gave her a decal. Not fair!
“On to the obstacle course!” barked Miss Blake. She had set up a long line of upside-down desks, buckets, brooms, barrels, and all kinds of other junk. We had to crawl under, around, and over all that stuff to get to the other side of the gym.
“This is going to prepare you for the real world,” barked Miss Blake. “Go! Go! Go!”
One by one, we ran the obstacle course. I thought I was gonna throw up.
“I don’t see how this prepares us for the real world,” I grumbled.
“Enemy planes are dropping bombs on you!” barked Miss Blake. “Get down low!”
She used a stopwatch to see how long it took each of us to get through the obstacle course. Naturally, Andrea had the fastest time, so Miss Blake gave her a ribbon. Not fair!
“Next, it’s time to jump over chairs!” barked Miss Blake.
“Jumping over chairs is fun!” shouted Andrea.
“Why would we ever have to jump over chairs in the real world?” complained Ryan.
“What if you’re in a jungle and you get attacked by alligators?” asked Miss Blake. “You’ll need to jump over them to escape.”
“I would just punch their faces in,” I said.
“That’s inappropriate, Arlo,” said Andrea. “I don’t approve of violence.”
“What do you have against violins?” I asked.
“Not violins! Violence!”
I was just yanking Andrea’s chain. But Little Miss Perfect could jump over more chairs than anybody, of course. So Miss Blake gave her a badge. Not fair!
“Let’s move on to the climbing wall!” barked Miss Blake.
One wall of the gym had little knobs all over it so we could grab on with our hands and push up with our feet. It was still really hard to climb.
“Climbing a wall is fun!” shouted Andrea.
Needless to say, she was able to climb the wall faster than anybody else. Miss Blake gave Andrea a belt loop. Not fair!
“Next, it’s time to climb the rope!” barked Miss Blake.
There was a thick rope hanging from the ceiling of the gym.
“Climbing rope is fun!” shouted Andrea, who immediately started climbing as if she had been doing it all her life.
“Why do we have to climb a rope?” asked Michael. “When are we ever going to have to do that?”
“What if you’re in the forest and a bear attacks you?” asked Miss Blake. “You see a vine nearby. You climb it. You save your life. That’s why we climb the rope.”
Miss Blake must have a thing about bears.
“Why can’t we just punch the bear’s face in?” I suggested.
I don’t have to tell you which one of us was the best at climbing the rope. Miss Blake gave Andrea a certificate. Not fair!
In the far corner of the gym was a big barbell. It looked like it weighed a million hundred pounds.
“Okay, let’s see who can pick up this weight!” barked Miss Blake.
“Why?” asked Alexia. “I’m not going to be a weight lifter when I grow up.”
“What if you’re in the wilderness and a boulder falls on your head?” asked Miss Blake. “What are you going to do?”
“Punch the boulder’s face in?” I suggested.
I tried to pick up the barbell, but it was way too heavy.
Ryan tried to pick up the barbell. He couldn’t.
Michael tried to pick it up. He couldn’t.
We all tried to pick up the barbell. Even Andrea couldn’t pick it up.
“It’s impossible,” said Emily.
“Of course it’s impossible!” barked Miss Blake. “You’ve got to work together! Teamwork makes the dream work!”
We all grabbed the barbell at the same time. We picked it up!
“Good work!” barked Miss Blake. “Now it’s time for your final survival challenge. This is where we separate the men from the boys.”
Huh? There weren’t any men around. I didn’t know what she was talking about.
Miss Blake led us over to a long table with chairs around it. She pulled out a bag of marshmallows.
“I call this ‘The Marshmallow Challenge,’” she said.
All right! At last there was a challenge I could win. Nobody can eat more marshmallows than me. I love marshmallows.
Miss Blake told us to sit at the table. Then she put a marshmallow in front of each of us.
“Here’s the challenge,” she said. “I’ll give you that marshmallow right now if you want. Or, if you wait fifteen minutes, you can eat two marshmallows.”
“HUH?” we all said, which is also HUH backward.
“So if we eat our marshmallow now, we won’t get another one?” asked Alexia.
“That’s right,” said Miss Blake. “But if you wait fifteen minutes, you’ll get a second marshmallow. Starting . . . now!” She clicked her stopwatch.
I looked at my marshmallow.
“I’m going to wait,” Andrea said. “I’d rather have two marshmallows in fifteen minutes than one marshmallow now.”
“Me too,” said Emily, who always does everything Andrea does.
Hmmm. Waiting for stuff is hard. When I want something, I want it now. And I could eat marshmallows for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The marshmallow looked so good. I could almost taste the creamy sweetness. It was just sitting on the table in front of me, waiting to be eaten.
I reached my hand out toward my marshmallow. Maybe I could just take a little bite of it to tide me over for fifteen minutes.
“No taking little bites of your marshmallow!” barked Miss Blake.
“Just wait, A.J.,” said Ryan. “Then you get twice as many marshmallows. Fifteen minutes isn’t so long.”
Fifteen minutes is a long time. It’s almost an hour.
I gave up. I picked up my marshmallow and popped it into my mouth. Yum!
“Ha! I knew you’d give in, Arlo!” shou
ted Andrea. “Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.”
“No you can’t,” I replied.
“Yes I can,” she said.
“No you can’t.”
“Yes I can.”
We went back and forth like that for a while.
By the end of the meeting, Andrea had earned a decal, a ribbon, a badge, a belt loop, a certificate, a medallion, and an extra marshmallow. Bummer in the summer!
But I got to eat my marshmallow first. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea.
Beaver scouting was no fun. While we were waiting for Miss Blake to show up for our next meeting, we were all grumbling.
“I thought we were going to decorate pumpkins and make Popsicle-stick snowman ornaments,” said Alexia.
“I thought we were going to build race cars out of wood,” said Michael.
“I thought we were going to go spelunking,” said Ryan.
“I’m thinking of quitting Beaver Scouts,” I told the gang.
“Me too,” everybody agreed.
We all stopped talking when Miss Blake arrived.
“I heard what you kids said about quitting,” she barked. “Do you know what they call people who quit?”
“No, what?” we all asked.
“Quitters!” barked Miss Blake.
Well, that made sense.
“So you’re not having fun, eh?” Miss Blake barked. “You want fun? Next week we’re going on an overnight in the woods. It will be more fun than you’ve ever had in your life.”
“Yay!” we all shouted.
“But you never know what might happen out in the woods,” barked Miss Blake. “You’ve got to be ready for anything. I hope you studied the part about first aid in the Beaver Scout Handbook.”
“I did!” shouted the Human Homework Machine. “I also took a lifesaving class after school. When I get older, I’m going to get a job as a lifeguard.”
Andrea takes classes in everything after school. If they gave a class in brushing your teeth, she would take that class so she could get better at it.
“Good job, Andrea!” barked Miss Blake. “Life throws stuff at you when you least expect it. You’ve got to be prepared at all times. Let’s say you’re in the wilderness. Somebody faints and stops breathing. What do you do? It’s an emergency!”
“You should break some glass,” I said right away.
“Why would you do that?” asked Miss Blake.
“My family was at a hotel once,” I replied. “There was a sign that said you should break glass in case of emergency.”
Miss Blake slapped her own forehead.
“If somebody can’t breathe, you should call 9-1-1,” said Neil.
“You’re in the wilderness!” barked Miss Blake. “There’s no time to call 9-1-1, and you probably don’t have cell phone service anyway. The correct answer is that you should give that person mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”
Oh no, not that. I’ve seen mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It looks a lot like kissing.
Miss Blake went to the closet and dragged out a big mannequin. It was the size of a grown-up man.
“This is Mr. Dummy,” she barked. “He’s not breathing.”
“We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily, as if Mr. Dummy was a real person.
“I’ll show you what to do,” barked Miss Blake. She got down on her hands and knees, tilted Mr. Dummy’s head back, pinched his nostrils shut, and started blowing air into his mouth.
Gross. I don’t know about you, but I say kissing a dummy is weird. Kissing anything is weird. But kissing a dummy is especially weird.
“That looks hard,” said Alexia. “I don’t know if I could do that in an emergency.”
“Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen,” barked Miss Blake.
Huh? We weren’t in a kitchen. What did kitchens have to do with anything?*
“I saved Mr. Dummy’s life,” barked Miss Blake. “He’s breathing again.”
“Yay!” everybody shouted, even though we all knew Mr. Dummy was never breathing in the first place.
“What do you do if somebody breaks an arm?” barked Miss Blake.
“Kiss the boo-boo and put a Band-Aid on it?” Emily guessed.
“No!” barked Miss Blake. “What do you do if a tree falls on somebody’s head and knocks them unconscious?”
“Punch the tree’s face in?” I guessed.
“No! What do you do if somebody’s bleeding out of their eyeballs? What do you do if somebody accidentally swallows a stapler? What do you do if somebody’s leg falls off?”
“None of those things is going to happen,” said Ryan.
“How do you know?” barked Miss Blake. “Stranger things have happened. Did I tell you about the time I was attacked by a bear?”
“Yes,” we all replied. “You punched its face in.”
“That’s right!”
Miss Blake taught us what to do in case a coconut falls out of a tree and lands on your head. She taught us what to do in case anybody falls into a pit filled with poisonous snakes. She taught us what to do in case you get a squirrel stuck in your mouth. Andrea was taking notes the whole time.
“Okay, I think you kids are prepared for our overnight,” barked Miss Blake. “I will see you in the school parking lot Saturday at one o’clock! Don’t be late!”
Then we all got on the floor and did the Beaver Growl.
It rained all week. I thought our overnight might be canceled. But on Friday my parents got a call saying it was on. They drove me to the parking lot, where all the kids were waiting on the bus.
“Can I come on the bus to take a few pictures?” my mom asked.
“No parents allowed!” Miss Blake barked. “Say good-bye!”
My mom said good-bye, and I climbed on the bus. I sat next to Ryan. We had already decided that we were going to share a tent together. Miss Blake stood up in the front of the bus as we pulled out of the parking lot.
“This is going to be fun,” she barked. “Anybody who doesn’t have fun will be punished.”
We drove a million hundred miles to some forest. Finally, the bus pulled off to the side of the road, and we got out. There was a sign that warned about forest fires, poison ivy, flash floods, dehydration, and other scary stuff that can happen to you in the wilderness.
“Are we going to go spelunking?” asked Alexia.
“No! We hike!” barked Miss Blake as she grabbed a big backpack and a pair of binoculars.
“I love hiking and nature!” said Andrea.
Ugh. Hiking and nature are boring.
“Keep an eye out for bears or other wild animals,” said Miss Blake.
“I’m scared,” said Emily.
It would have been cool to see a bear or some other wild animal. But there weren’t any animals. There were just lots of trees and rocks and birds. So Miss Blake talked about every tree, rock, and bird along the way. What a snoozefest.
“Look!” Miss Blake shouted, peering through her binoculars. “A red-billed nuthatch!”
A bird is a bird, if you ask me. You’ve seen one bird, you’ve seen ’em all.
“I hope we see a snake,” said Michael. “Snakes are cool.”
“What would you do if you saw a snake?” Ryan asked.
“I’d punch its face in,” I said.
After five minutes of hiking, I was bored. Nature is way overrated. We were in the middle of nowhere.*
“This looks like the place where we started,” said Neil.
“That’s because we hiked a big loop,” barked Miss Blake.
What? So we walked a million hundred miles in a circle? What was the point of that? If you’re going to hike, you should hike someplace different.
“This looks like a good spot to set up camp,” said Miss Blake. “Let’s pitch our tents here.”
Why would you want to throw a tent? That made no sense at all.
“Where do you think Miss Blake got these tents?” Ryan asked.
Ryan and I put up our tent together, while Miss Blake tied a string across two long sticks and stuck the sticks into the ground. Then she told us to gather up some wood.
“Are we going to build a fire?” asked Andrea.
“No, we’re going to build two fires,” said Miss Blake. She tied another string across two sticks and stuck them into the dirt next to the first ones. “One for the boys and one for the girls. Who can tell me what you need to start a fire?”
“Lighter fluid!” I shouted.
“No!” said Miss Blake. “Lighter fluid is for wimps.”
“Fuel, air, and heat!” shouted Andrea, who remembers everything she ever heard, saw, or read.
“That’s right!” said Miss Blake. “You have air all around, of course. I’ll give the boys’ team and the girls’ team three napkins. That’s your fuel. You get one match to provide heat. Each team will build their fire under a rope. The first team to break their rope with the flame is the winner.”
Yes! Boys against girls. Beating Andrea would be fun!
“I know how to build a fire,” Andrea told Emily and Alexia. “We should carefully make a frame out of sticks and then light the napkins at the bottom.”
“They’re wasting their time,” I whispered to the guys. “Just light the napkins and start piling sticks on top. Our fire will burn faster and we’ll beat the girls.”
Ryan lit the match. Michael held the napkins on the ground. Neil and I put thin sticks on top of the napkins. They started to catch fire.
“Burn! Burn! Burn!” we chanted as we piled more sticks on top. Our fire was getting bigger.
The girls finally finished building their dumb stack of sticks and lit it. The flames shot up so it was almost as high as ours.
Our fire got higher, and so did the girls’ fire. In a few minutes, the flames were almost up to the two ropes. You couldn’t tell which rope was going to break first.
You should have been there! There was electricity in the air.
Well, not exactly. It was just fire. If there was electricity in the air, we would have been electrocuted. But we were all on the edge of our seats.
Well, not really. There are no seats in the forest.