by Dan Gutman
But it was exciting. Both flames were licking the ropes.
“Burn! Burn! Burn!” everybody chanted.
Smoke was coming off the ropes!
Both of the ropes were burning!
“Burn! Burn! Burn!”
And then . . . the girls’ rope broke. Nooooo!
A second later, our rope broke.
“Yay!” shouted all the girls.
“Boo!” shouted all the boys.
I had to admit the girls won the campfire contest fair and square.
When both fires died down a little, Miss Blake got hot dogs from her backpack, and we cooked them. Yum! Then she got out a bag of marshmallows for us to toast. Double yum! I ate so many marshmallows, I thought I was gonna throw up. It was the greatest night of my life.
It was getting dark out. Miss Blake said she was going to rest in her tent, but we could spread our sleeping bags on the ground and talk for a while.
We were all lying on our backs looking at the sky. It was filled with stars. And it was weirdly quiet. There were no cars. No TVs. No noise.
“Isn’t this peaceful?” asked Emily.
“Yeah,” everybody replied.
“What do you see when you look up at the stars?” asked Andrea.
“I see stars,” said Ryan.
“Maybe we’ll see a shooting star,” said Michael.
“Just think,” said Andrea. “Those stars are billions of miles away. If the sun exploded, we wouldn’t know it for eight minutes. That’s how long it would take for the light to reach our eyes.”
“I’m scared,” said Emily.
“The universe is so big,” said Alexia.
“Where do you think it ends?” asked Neil.
“Nobody knows,” said Ryan.
“Maybe it never ends,” said Michael.
“It can’t go on forever,” said Andrea. “It’s got to end somewhere.”
What a snoozefest. All this talk about the universe was boring.
“Hey, let’s tell ghost stories,” I suggested.
Ghost stories are cool, way cooler than talking about the universe.
“I’m scared,” said Emily.
“Don’t be scared,” said Andrea. “Ghost stories are just stories. They’re not real.”
“I’ll start!” I said, sitting up so everybody could see me. I picked up my flashlight and held it under my chin, pointing up at my face.*
“Okay,” I said. “Here’s the story. There was this boy . . .”
“Yeah?” everybody said.
“And he was out in the woods on an overnight,” I said, lowering my voice to a whisper. “Like us.”
“Yeah?”
“And it was pitch-dark. Just like now.”
“Yeah?
“What happened next?” asked Andrea.
“A ghost came along and murdered him,” I said. “The end.”
“That’s your story?” asked Andrea.
“It’s a short story,” I told her. “I cut out all the boring parts.”
“Dude, that ghost story was lame,” said Michael.
I said that if nobody liked my ghost story, they could tell a ghost story of their own. And somebody would have. But that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
There was a noise behind us.
We turned around.
It was a bear!
I thought I was gonna die.
“Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!” we all screamed.
The bear was big and black and scary. I saw it with my own eyes!
Well, it would be pretty hard to see something with somebody else’s eyes. But the bear was standing there about twenty feet away, staring at us.
“I’m s . . . s . . . scared!” said Emily, who had a reason to be scared for the first time in her life.
We were all scared. We didn’t know what to say. We didn’t know what to do. We had to think fast.
“Miss Blake!” shouted Andrea. “Come quick! It’s an emergency!”
“M-m-m-maybe it’s a friendly bear,” Alexia whispered, “like Winnie-the-Pooh, or Paddington.”
“Yeah,” whispered Ryan. “Like Corduroy, or Fozzie Bear. They’re friendly.”
“Or the Three Bears,” whispered Neil, “or the Care Bears or—”
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!” growled the bear as it opened its mouth and showed its big teeth.
“Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!” we all screamed. I could smell the bear’s bad breath.
“I d-d-don’t think it’s friendly,” said Ryan.
Miss Blake came running out of her tent.
“What’s going on out here?” she barked. “I was trying to get some—”
But she didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence. Because that’s when she noticed the bear.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!” growled the bear.
“Punch it in the face, Miss Blake!” shouted Ryan.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
Miss Blake fainted! Her eyes rolled up in her head and she fell backward. Michael and Neil caught her just before she hit the ground.
“Eeeeeeeekkkkkk!” we all screamed.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!” growled the bear.
“What are we going to do now?” shouted Neil.
“Emily!” Andrea shouted. “Quick! Climb up on my shoulders!”
“Why?” asked Emily. “I’m scared!”
“Just do it!” shouted Andrea. “If we make ourselves look big, it might scare the bear away!”
“How do you know that?” asked Michael.
“I read it in the Beaver Scout Handbook,” Andrea replied.
We all helped Emily climb up onto Andrea’s back.
“Now spread your arms out and make lots of noise!” Andrea shouted.
We all started yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The bear turned around and walked off into the woods.
“We did it!” Emily shouted excitedly. “He’s leaving!”
Wow! Andrea should get the Nobel Prize. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells. I never knew you could scare a bear away just by pretending to be big and making noise.
I thought our overnight couldn’t get more exciting than that. But then something even more exciting happened.
I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter.*
Everybody was happy that the bear ran away. But then we realized Miss Blake was still on the ground.
“She’s not breathing!” shouted Alexia.
“We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily.
“You have a smartphone, Andrea,” shouted Michael. “Call 9-1-1!”
“There’s no cell phone service out here!” Andrea shouted back.
“We should run and get help!” shouted Ryan.
“No time for that!” shouted Andrea. “Miss Blake could die! There’s only one thing to do! We have to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”
Nooooooooo!
Ugh, gross. I wasn’t going to do that. It’s way too much like kissing.
“Move over!” Andrea barked.
She got down on her hands and knees and started blowing air into Miss Blake’s mouth. Yuck.
“Is it working?” Ryan whispered while Andrea gave Miss Blake mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
“I can’t tell,” whispered Neil.
“I guess Miss Blake isn’t so brave after all,” whispered Emily.
“And I’ll bet she never punched a bear in the face,” I said. “She’s totally afraid of bears.”
“I think she’s waking up!” shouted Michael.
Miss Blake opened her eyes.
“Where am I?” she asked. “What happened to the bear?”
“It ran away,” Andrea told her. “We’re safe now.”
“Thank goodness for that!” said Miss Blake.
A
s it turned out, we weren’t safe at all. Because that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. There was a roaring sound in the distance.
“What’s that?” asked Emily.
“It sounds like a jet engine!” I shouted.
But it wasn’t a jet engine. It was the sound of rushing water.
It was a wall of water, and it was coming straight at us!
“WOW!” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.
“It’s a flash flood!” shouted Miss Blake.* “Try to grab on to something and hold on! Never leave your buddy behind!”
This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week! Everybody was yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out. We made a run for it.
But the wall of water caught up to us!
It knocked me over!
I started swimming!
I couldn’t see anything!
My body was being thrown every which way!
Rocks were all around!
I bumped my head on something!
“Arlo, are you okay?” I heard Andrea shout.
And that was the last thing I remember.
The next thing I knew, I was onstage in the all-porpoise room at school.* My head felt a little weird. I reached up to touch my forehead, and there was a bandage on it.
I looked around. The room was filled with our parents and teachers. All the Beaver Scouts were onstage with me. So was Miss Blake.
“What’s going on?” I whispered to Ryan, who was standing next to me.
“They’re about to give out the award,” he whispered back.
Our principal, Mr. Klutz, bounded up onto the stage. He held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “Shut up.”
“Welcome!” Mr. Klutz announced. “I hear you Beaver Scouts had quite an adventure this week. I’d like to introduce Miss Blake to tell us about it.”
Miss Blake took the microphone. Everybody gave her a round of applause.
“These kids are tough, I’ll tell you that,” she said. “Toughest Beaver Scouts I’ve seen.”
“What happened on your overnight?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“We took a nature hike,” explained Miss Blake, “and we set up camp for the night. The kids made the fire, and we ate hot dogs and marshmallows. And the next thing we knew, we were attacked by a bear!”
“Gasp!” everybody gasped.
“What did you do?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Well,” said Miss Blake, “I was just about to punch that bear in the face when . . . the bear punched me in the face!”
“Gasp!” everybody gasped again.
What?! The bear never punched Miss Blake in the face! We knew the truth. She fainted when she saw the bear!
“The bear punched you in the face?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Yes!” said Miss Blake. “Isn’t that right, kids?”
I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at Emily. Emily looked at Andrea. We were all looking at each other.
“Yes, Miss Blake,” Andrea said. “The bear punched you in the face.”
“I was knocked unconscious,” Miss Blake continued. “What happened next—well, I’d better let these brave Beaver Scouts tell you.”
“We were all scared,” Andrea said. “Emily climbed up on my back and we made loud noises to scare the bear away.”
“And then Andrea gave Miss Blake mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until she woke up,” added Emily.
Andrea smiled the smile that she smiles to let everybody know how wonderful she is.
“Wow, that’s some story!” said Mr. Klutz.
“That’s not the end of it,” said Miss Blake. “What happened after that, kids?”
“There was a flash flood!” said Michael.
“It came out of nowhere!” said Ryan. “Water was everywhere!”
“We thought we were gonna die!” I said.
“Gasp!” everybody gasped.
“What happened after that?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“All our supplies got swept away by the water!” said Andrea.
“And then we got swept away by the water!” said Emily.
“Arms and legs were everywhere!” said Ryan.
I didn’t know what happened after that.
“After that,” Neil said, “A.J. bumped his head on a rock.”
“Andrea saved his life!” said Emily.
What? I didn’t know about that part.
“A.J. was drowning!” said Alexia.
“Andrea swam over and dragged him out of the water!” said Emily.
What?!
“She gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until he started breathing again,” said Alexia.
“Wait. WHAT?!” I shouted.
“Andrea gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,” said Alexia. “She saved your life!”
“Nooooooooooooo!” I shouted, wiping off my mouth. “Disgusting!”
“It’s true, A.J.!” said Neil. “It looked like she was kissing you.”
“Oooooh, Andrea and A.J. were kissing,” said Ryan. “They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
It was the worst moment of my life. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins don’t have to give each other mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
“Well, that’s gratitude for you!” complained Andrea. “Arlo, I’m never going to save your life again!”
That’s pretty much what happened. Miss Blake said she was really proud of us. She gave each of us a sticker, a decal, a ribbon, a badge, a belt loop, a certificate, a medallion, and a plaque that said how brave we were. Then she gave Andrea the Busy Beaver of the Year Award. Her parents took pictures.
Maybe Miss Blake will admit she’s afraid of bears. Maybe people will stop taking pictures of cheese. Maybe we’ll go spelunking. Maybe Andrea will take a class in brushing your teeth. Maybe Mr. Dummy will stop breathing again. Maybe beavers will start chatting about what they’re going to have for dinner. Maybe I’ll let the guys talk me into signing up to be a Beaver Scout again next year.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
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Copyright
MY WEIRDER-EST SCHOOL #4: MISS BLAKE IS A FLAKE! Text copyright © 2020 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Cover art © 2020 by Jim Paillot
* * *
Digital Edition FEBRUARY 2020 ISBN: 978-0-06-269112-5
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269110-1 (pbk. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-269111-8 (library bdg.)
* * *
2021222324PC/BRR10987654321
FIRST EDITION
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* It’s impossible to whistle and hide something at the same time. Nobody knows why.
* Wow, I didn’t know that toilets grow on trees.
* She sure barks a lot. I thought only dogs bark. Well, dogs and trees.
* Why do they call it a handbook? What else are you going to hold the book with? Your feet?
* It was probably some guy named Jack who had too much time on his hands.
* If Mr. Dummy was in a kitchen instead of locked up in a closet, he probably wouldn’t have fainted in the first place.
* It would be cool if there was a town called Nowhere. Then you could go to the middle of it. Nobody ever goes to the edge of nowhere.
* Anytime you hold a flashlight under your chin in the dark, it looks like you’re crazy. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
* So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!