At the Brink

by Anna del Mar

  He paused, but only to take a deep breath.

  “As to the note,” he explained, “I told her that I was evaluating a project abroad when I met her in the airport lounge the day we first flew out to the cove. I told her that because I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to be with you.”

  “Why did you send her the clip and pictures of me?”

  A muscle jumped along his jaw but he kept his temper in check. “I would never, ever send Lisa Artiaga, or anyone in the world, my clip and my picture of you. In her note, Lisa was referring to the pictures my office sent her of the gala, not to the clip or my pictures of you.”

  “But that girl in the pictures with her,” I said. “She looked just like me.”

  “Lisa saw you three times—at the gala, the airport and the party,” he said. “You’re right, she chose Rachella Willis because she looks like you. I didn’t realize it at first, but when I saw the pictures, I also saw the resemblance. That’s why I pulled up my picture of you, because I wanted to make sure my imagination wasn’t playing tricks on me.”

  “What was she trying to do?” I said. “Mock me? Tease you? What?”

  “I think she was trying to entice me.”

  “Entice you?”

  “She’s been trying to lure me back to her bed for a few weeks. My guess is that she thought including someone who looked like you might do the job. These pictures were her way of offering me a threesome.”

  I gawked. “A threesome?”

  “Which—for the record—never happened.”

  My mind reeled. “Do you do threesomes often?”

  “Christ,” he muttered. “What kind of question is that?”

  “A fair one.”

  “How is it fair if it’s all in the past?”

  “Put yourself in my shoes,” I said. “I found those pictures. You’re talking about threesomes just now. The night we went to the benefit at the Prudential Center, you talked about going to places where people push the edge. How do you think I feel?”

  He let out a stoic sigh. “Do you want me to guess?”

  “I feel inadequate,” I said. “No matter how much I flex, I’m never going to fulfill your expectations. Those women, nothing stops them from trying whatever you want. They’re not timid, shy or reluctant. I bet you that Lisa Artiaga has never had a panic attack in her entire life. I’m never going to be able to please you like that.”

  And there it was. The reason why the pictures had upset me so much. Because no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to measure up.

  “Jesus, Lily,” Josh said. “If you knew me better, you wouldn’t have all these doubts. I don’t want anybody else. I want you, period. And I only took that picture of you because I wanted to remember.”

  “Remember what?”

  “You,” he said. “When I took that picture, I was sure you were going to leave me and soon. Either the prototypes were going to work or, most likely, you were going to get fed up with me and bolt. I wanted to remember you. Us.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me?”

  “I didn’t ask you because you would’ve said no.”

  He was right and I knew it.

  “Okay, I’ll give you that,” I said, “but had I said no, you would’ve had to live with that. Instead, you chose not to be truthful with me. That worries me the most. We have to be honest with each other. You can’t hide things from me.”

  He knew exactly what I was talking about, but he chose to go in a different direction. “Let’s recap briefly. You walked into my room at the cove when I told you not to. You got into that power boat. You left me—you tried to bolt on me.”

  “That’s beside the point.”

  “That’s precisely the point.” He got up from the bed and began to pace my little bedroom like a trapped animal. “You know I can’t stand it when you leave like that. You know how I get. Then we have the issue of the slur on your door and the threatening text message. You went to the police, the police, for Christ’s sake. Why didn’t you come to me?”

  He raked his fingers through his hair and stared at me as if I’d betrayed him. Boy, he was hurt, and in many ways his wounds were even deeper than mine.

  “I didn’t want to bother you,” I said. “I thought I could take care of the problem myself. I’m competent, you know.”

  “See what I mean?” He glared. “You don’t trust me and I can’t blame you. You got hurt because of me. But if I had known about the text and the slur, I would have been able to protect you and maybe you wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place.”

  “Okay, well, maybe that’s true and if it is, I’m sorry. But stuff did happen, and now we have to deal with it.”

  “Lily, I’m telling you,” he said testily. ‘‘There’s nothing left to deal with.”

  “There’s someone out there who wants to kill you.”

  “Not for long,” he said. “I can promise you that. Everything else is under control. You made some mistakes. I’m willing to overlook them as long as you agree not to make the same mistakes again.”

  I opened my mouth and closed it. “I made all the mistakes?”

  “And I accept your apology.”

  “My apology?” I said, incredulous. “What about you?”

  “I’m sorry that you got hurt,” he said. “I’m sorry that I failed at protecting you. What else do you want from me?”

  Was he for real?

  “A while back you gave me the keys to your house.” I tried to control my temper. “You said you wanted to be with me. I want to be with you too. But you’re not letting me in.”

  “I’m doing the best I can.”

  “The pictures hurt my feelings,” I said. “I ran and maybe that wasn’t the best way of dealing with the situation. But the pictures were the least important thing I saw when I went into your room.” The memories crystalized in my mind, the boot, the staff by the bed, Josh swimming in the water above me... “You don’t need to keep secrets from me.”

  “No, Lily, no.” A muscle flinched dangerously on his face. “You saw nothing that matters, nothing that changes anything.”

  “Don’t do this,” I said. “We need to be honest with each other. You can trust me, Josh, with anything.”

  His mouth set in an obdurate line. “Lily, I... I can’t do this. I need to end this conversation right now, because continuing it will inevitably end us.”

  “End us?” I stared at him in disbelief. “After everything we’ve been through? You’d end us? Just like that?”

  “If you left me no choice.”

  “You can’t just turn me off.”

  “Then don’t make me.”

  My arm was hurting again, making me wish I’d taken the meds. “Are you telling me we can’t ever talk about this?”

  “Lily...” He sat on the bed and took my hand. He kissed my knuckles. I’d never seen him so tentative. He took a deep breath and forced the words out of his mouth. “There are things that I can’t do, not even for you.”

  “But—”

  “Can you be with me just as we are right now?”

  “I want honesty between us, always.”

  “So you can’t be happy with the way things are?”

  I raised my chin and stared him in the eye.

  He rumbled. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  I kept my eyes fixed on his face.

  “Damn it, Lily, you know I can’t handle it when you look at me like that.”

  He reached out. He pulled me to him. His fingers dug into my hair. His mouth crushed my lips in a contact that singed every cell in my body. My lips smarted and my brain reeled. I fell into his passion’s black hole and for an instant, he managed to consume my resolve.

  “Please, Lily,” he muttered against my mouth. �
��Let it go.”

  Hot tears gushed down my face as I parked my hands on his chest and pushed against him. I swear, I heard the break in my mind as our lips ripped apart like strips of Velcro.

  He grimaced as if in pain. “I want you to know that I tried,” he said. “I tried hard—” His voice broke. Anguish pooled in his eyes. He kissed me one last time before his fingers unknotted from my hair and his hands deserted me.

  All the strength I’d drawn from his touch abandoned me when he let go. The fire in his eyes sputtered and died. His stare grew empty. His expression froze into the glacial blankness I feared the most. With cold, detached efficiency, he packed up his tablet and got up from the bed.

  “I have to leave,” he said in his brisk business tone.

  “Leave?” I gulped back a torrent of tears. “You can’t just leave.”

  “I have to.” He slipped on his jacket.

  “It’s four in the morning.” I tried not to sound frantic. “It’s cold and raining. You’re tired. You’ve been through a lot. You need to rest. Please, Josh, don’t leave.”

  “I can’t stay,” he said. “Good-bye, Lily.”

  He left without saying another word.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Josh

  The pit of my stomach burned with pain and fear, even though there were no bullets zinging through the car, no explosions booming nearby. The flashbacks were back in full force. I kept seeing Lily at the cove, free with all her expressions, shame, passion, pleasure, peace, joy, wonder. I kept on seeing her mad at me too, like last night, and worse, in my arms, wet, battered and hurt.

  There had been times in the last few days when I’d been very close to losing my mind. On more than one occasion, I thought that anguish would kill me. I’d gone through some shit in my life, but I swear, I couldn’t suffer through the misery of seeing Lily hurt like that again.

  Not that I was any less wretched now. But how could we have a life together when I’d failed her so badly? How could I share with her the weaknesses that I abhorred in myself?

  It was too much. The explosion, the rescue, the hospital, the confrontation. I found myself back in Helmand province every few minutes. I was furious with Lily. I’d made a huge effort. I’d tried to explain. I’d told her all the truth I could stand, but she wanted more and I couldn’t give it.

  My phone rang. I listened to everything Riker had to say. My world only got darker. We’d been working the investigation day and night. Mac and Riker had pooled their resources to conduct a sweeping examination of every lead we had. The combination of private and public assets gave the investigation depth and capabilities that the average police detective could only dream about.

  I didn’t need Mac and Riker to draw my own conclusions. After all, I’d been a trained operative myself. But the information they collected was vital to solving the crime and I was grateful for their time, speed and efforts. With the facts clearly laid out before me, they’d done their jobs. Now it was time for me to do mine.

  I called Lisa Artiaga first. I explained to her that I had photographic evidence from the convenience store at the corner of Lily’s street that showed her Porsche parked two streets down from Lily’s house and Lisa herself standing on Lily’s porch. She’d been the one who’d scrawled those slurs on Lily’s door. I added, in no uncertain terms, that if she ever threatened Lily again, the documents that I had just sent to her inbox would be forwarded to the justice department and the Massachusetts Bar.

  The legal brief would include the compromising pictures she’d given me, and made the argument that because of her actions, her husband had become an easy target for blackmail. His legal decisions could be unduly influenced and his court’s credibility would be questioned. Neutralizing Lisa was as easy as neutralizing her powerful husband. Just in case, I ended the phone call with a stern warning.

  “Your husband doesn’t give a damn about who you fuck or how,” I said, “but I’m sure he’d be livid if he knew that you ended his career.”

  By the time I was done with Lisa, the car had turned into the airport exit.

  Amman made eye contact in the rear view mirror. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  “Do what?”

  “Go off on a business trip, leave Miss Lily all alone.”

  “Who the hell are you, my conscience?” I clenched until my teeth hurt. “I’m not leaving Lily alone. She’s got around the clock medical care and the best protection that money can buy. I talked to Riker. You’ll be assigned to her while I’m gone. She’ll be fine.”

  “Do you really think that this is a good time for you to go missing in action?”

  “You’re out of line.”

  “Did you at least have the courtesy of telling her that you were leaving?”

  I closed my eyes and took in a calming breath. No, I hadn’t told Lily. I couldn’t speak to her, because looking into her eyes would destroy my resolve and with it, me.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Amman said, pulling up to the airport terminal and parking at the curb. “Please reconsider.”

  “Make sure she’s safe.” I grabbed my bag and opened the door. “Take good care of her.”

  “She doesn’t need me,” Amman said. “She needs you.”

  I got out of the car and slammed the door. I was the last person in the world who should be in Lily’s life. Being with me had gotten Lily hurt. She needed someone else, someone who could protect her and make her happy. She needed someone capable of opening up in a way I couldn’t. She needed someone who I could never be.

  The company’s new state of the art Bombardier Global 8000 was my favorite long range, large cabin jet for intercontinental travel. With a range of almost 8,000 nautical miles and a .90 Mach capability, it could go from New York to Dubai nonstop. The aircraft always impressed, but today, the thrill of boarding the Bombardier was absent, replaced by bitter emotions.

  I greeted Baez and the crew. I tried to focus on the mission ahead, but all I could think about was Lily. The flashbacks ganged up on me. Lily smiling, teasing and laughing; visions of her MRIs; a tear sliding down her bruised face...

  Damn it, Lane, get a hold of yourself.

  She was okay now. The doctors assured me she was well on the mend. I’d arranged it so she would want for nothing. No more pain for Lily. No more worries. No more psychos ruining her existence. No more grief. I was going to miss her—no doubt about it—but she would thrive. I’d go back to before and that would have to do.

  Still, my fucked-up mind wandered back to her. I had been looking forward to traveling with her. With her in tow, even the harshest business trip would have been fun. Fun. It’d been a meaningless word until I found Lily. I would’ve relished her enjoyment and lived out my lewd fantasies of fucking her on every compartment and surface of the gleaming Bombardier.

  Get a grip, soldier.

  Those dreams were now in the past. All I had left was my work and obligations. But before I wrenched myself completely from Lily’s life, I had one more thing I had to do.

  I took my seat in the passenger section across from Thomas Stratton, who was buckling his seatbelt.

  “Hello Thomas,” I said. “No need to strap in today.”

  “Excuse me?” Thomas stared at me as if I were mad. “What’s going on, Josh?”

  “A lot has been going on, with you,” I said. “In view of that, I’ve been thinking. Should I turn you into the police or should I kill you right now?”

  Stratton blanched.

  “Did you think I didn’t have the wherewithal to figure it out?”

  “I... I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I’m talking about those nasty text messages you sent to Lily.”

  “Haven’t you talked to Riker?” Thomas said. “It was Lisa Artiaga who went after L
ily, not me.”

  “Lisa Artiaga wrote a disgusting message on Lily’s door,” I said. “But Lisa didn’t send the texts in question. You did.”

  Thomas opted for self-righteousness. “How could you make such an accusation? I’m one of your most dedicated team members.”

  “One fact doesn’t belie the other,” I said. “You thought you could frighten Lily away. If you could get her to dump me, I’d be off-balance and you could take the lead and complete the deal with Chamberlain. You knew Lily had been the victim of a slur. She told you at the party. You thought you could get away with it because Lisa’s despicable actions would shield your crimes. That’s why you sent her those texts.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “We have your access code downloading my personal, confidential cell phone contacts, which included Lily’s cell phone number. We have you buying a disposable cell, sending the text, and tossing the phone after that.”

  “You can’t confirm any of that.”

  “Wrong,” I said. “We’ve got your credit card statements, showing the cell purchase and the actual phone—with your fingerprints on it—uncovered at the municipal garbage collection facility. It’s enough evidence for me. It’s enough for Riker too.”

  “How the hell...?”

  “I have vast resources at my disposal and I used them.”

  Thomas flinched. “The woman was a mistake. I did it for your own good. You were distracted from the deal that Mr. Chamberlain offered.”

  “Ah, yes, Ernest Chamberlain.” I rapped my fingertips on the leather armrest. “At first I thought the man was just good at what he did. His proposals were so precise, so in tune with what we were doing at Phoenix Prime. But when this thing with Lily came up, I decided to take a closer look.”

  Thomas squirmed in his seat. “What do you mean?”

  “Ernest Chamberlain has a very practical streak in him,” I said. “He’s a man who takes his reputation seriously. I called him. I told him I was going to give Susannah Phelps an exclusive on corporate espionage, which would include some specific allegations about his company’s practices. In an effort to avoid the scandal and a financial hit in the public market, he asked me how we could resolve the impasse quietly.”