Baby Blue
Page 12
She rummaged through the chest of drawers in her own room to find something nice for Kai. Becky’s Babygro with the sea horses. It was still a bit big, but that didn’t matter. And it would still be cool outside, so she found him a little knitted cardigan with fish-shaped buttons, a present from Annie.
She went downstairs quietly. No one else awake. Good. Dad’s door was tight shut.
Mia put Kai into the buggy and strapped him in. She twirled the plastic stars and fishes on elastic which she’d stretched across the front of the buggy to keep him happy. In the kitchen, she found a length of French bread and some cheese, and then she plucked two ripe peaches from the fruit bowl on the table. She filled a plastic bottle with cold water from the jug in the fridge. All that could go in the changing bag on the rack under the buggy. There. Almost ready. It still wasn’t even half past six.
She looked around. What else? She picked up the rug she and Colleen put on the grass for the babies sometimes and folded it ready. On the hall table she noticed two paperback books: new, by the look of them. She shoved them in the bag, too. You never knew, she might feel like reading, if Kai went to sleep. It was something to do, wasn’t it? They probably belonged to Miss English Teacher Blackman but so what? She shouldn’t have left them there if she wanted them.
Mia unbolted the front door and pushed Kai’s buggy over the threshold.
The garden was full of birdsong. The blackbird she recognized, singing from the top of the ash tree, but there were thousands of others, it seemed, in the garden and all the trees around. There was a nest high in the ivy on the wall. The cat, Apple Pie, skulked along the path underneath, watching and waiting. Mia shooed him away.
The grass was still damp with dew and the buggy left silvery wheel tracks. Mia smiled at Kai.
‘We’re going down to the sea, you and me!’ she said.
The lane was quiet. No one else seemed to be around. For this moment, the world belonged to her and Kai. It felt good to be up so early, pushing out with a sense of purpose. They branched off on to the footpath, still lined with fading cow parsley and elderflower. Mia picked a fistful of little white flowers like stars and tucked them into the elastic alongside the plastic fish for Kai to look at. They went past the field, her and Will’s field, and she showed it to Kai. ‘Here’s where you began,’ she told him. The swallows were there still, or maybe the fledglings of the swallows that had been there last summer, dipping and diving with a flash of white on blue and their fine forked tails.
‘Swallows!’ she showed Kai.
His eyes were bright this morning, she thought. Clearer and brighter than before. They emerged from the tunnel of overhanging trees on to the rough strip of land above the pebbly beach. The brightness of sunshine on water was dazzling for a minute. Mia reached forwards and pulled Kai’s hat down to shade his eyes.
‘There you are! The sea!’
She turned the buggy round to face the water. Kai’s eyes crinkled up in the light.
A cool breeze ruffled Mia’s dress and she shivered slightly. They’d have to find somewhere out of the wind and that meant pushing the buggy over the stones. Kai seemed to hate that, but it was such hard work carrying him. Still, there was no hurry. She could carry him first, maybe, leave him safely propped up, and then go back for the buggy.
She unstrapped Kai and lifted him out. His head didn’t wobble so much now and his warm little body curled in towards her, knowing her shape. He stretched out one little hand, a starfish. She smiled at him, and for a second his face quivered, his mouth moved into something very like a smile. Mia felt tears pricking her eyes. Just because he smiled! She was getting as daft as Colleen.
Mia picked her way over the stones, pulling the buggy behind her with one hand. The other supported Kai. She went westwards, away from Whitecross and Stonegate. It was all right for a bit, but her arm began to ache and so she abandoned the buggy and went on with just Kai. Her lips brushed the top of his head and she murmured to him as they walked. Something like a tune came, though she did not know the words that went with it. Colleen was always singing to Isaac.
Round the next bend Mia saw the spot she’d been making for. The beach curved round, and there was an outcrop of larger boulders which you could lean up against and which offered some shelter. As they got closer she could see the remains of a fire: half-burnt driftwood, a circle of grey ash, a stack of empty bottles and cans half-buried in the gritty sand. So this was where they’d had the party. She’d suspected as much.
Mia kicked the ash with her toe and watched the flakes whirl up and settle again. Seeing the fire made her hurt inside all over again. But Kai’s fist caught hold of her hair at that moment; he pulled. And as he did so, he smiled again. It was a real smile, she was sure now.
‘You!’ she said. She kissed his hand and untangled her hair. ‘We might as well stop here,’ she told him.
She pulled one of the unburnt tree branches closer so she could sit on it and lean against the rocks. The beach was damp, even though the tide didn’t come up this far. She rested Kai on her lap, leaning against her chest, facing out. They dozed in the early-morning sun.
Crunching. Boots on pebbles. Coming closer. Mia opened her eyes. Kai still slept, his head lolled against her, his hat flopped over his face. Mia felt annoyed that there should be anyone else on the beach this early in the day. Somebody from Whitecross, walking a dog probably. She screwed her eyes up: the figure was a dark silhouette against the bright sunshine.
Of course. Who else? This perfect morning, it had to be him, didn’t it? He must have been up all night, stayed on the beach after the party when everyone else had gone home. He’d seen her, stopped. Considered. Started walking again. Perhaps he’d just walk straight past. But no, he stopped just before he got to her.
‘Hi, Mia,’ he said.
‘Hello.’
‘You’re out early.’
‘So are you.’
‘Well. Yeah. Been out all night.’
‘Good party, was it?’ Mia hoped she sounded suitably sarcastic. There was a slight pause.
‘It was OK.’
‘That’s all right, then.’
He looked at her sheepishly. ‘I thought Becky would’ve invited you.’
‘No.’
‘I suppose, well, everyone thought you’d, well, not be able to come.’
‘Suppose.’
‘Would you?’
‘Would I what?’
‘Have come?’
‘Probably not.’
‘You didn’t miss much.’
‘I would have liked the fire.’
‘Yes. You always did, didn’t you?’
There was a silence, filled only by the wash of water against stone.
‘Tide’s coming up,’ Will said.
‘It doesn’t come this far, though,’ Mia said. ‘We’ll be OK.’ She knew he was confused by the ‘we’. ‘Me and Kai,’ she said, to explain.
‘Can I sit down?’
‘If you want.’
‘Tell you what, I’ll make you a fire now,’ Will said. ‘Seeing as you missed it last night.’
Mia smiled.
‘Shall I?’
‘If you want.’
She watched him while he sorted the half-burnt logs, searched along the tideline for other pieces of driftwood, snapped dry grass for tinder. He didn’t have matches, but he had his old flint-striker in his jeans pocket. Of course. Eventually he got a tiny flame to spurt and catch the dry grass and bark.
He sat back next to her on the log. For the first time, he looked at Kai. She could see an embarrassed flush run along his neck, up over his face.
‘How is he?’ Will asked, shy.
‘Kai’s doing well,’ Mia said. ‘Except for last night, when I thought he was going to die.’
Will looked at her sharply. ‘What do you mean?’
She told him what had happened. Why shouldn’t he know the details? About all the things she was having to deal with? While he was having a goo
d time with all her friends at a party.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Will said when she’d finished.
Mia shrugged. ‘Not a lot you can say.’
‘Well, I’m sorry. And I’m glad he’s OK.’
‘Are you?’ Mia looked directly into Will’s eyes.
He blushed. ‘Yes. Of course.’
‘There’s no of course about it!’ Mia snapped. ‘If he’d died it might have been easier for everyone.’
‘Don’t say that. Not now,’ Will said. ‘You don’t mean it, do you?’
There was a pause, while Mia thought how to answer him.
She spoke truthfully. ‘No. It’s really hard and everything, but I love him now, my little Kai.’
She still couldn’t read the expression on Will’s face. Embarrassment mixed with something else.
Will fed more sticks on to the fire. ‘Should’ve brought some bacon or something. For breakfast.’
‘I’m not hungry,’ Mia said.
‘I am. Shall I go and get us some? When the garage opens at Whitecross?’
‘That won’t be for ages. Have some of my bread if you want. Or a peach. I left my bag on the buggy.’
‘I saw it when I came along the beach. Shall I get it for you?’
‘Or you could hold him while I fetch it.’ Mia shifted Kai up a little.
‘It’s OK. I’ll get the buggy.’
Mia smiled wryly. He doesn’t want to hold him, she realized, because he’s scared.
It was bizarre to see him pulling a baby buggy along the beach. Good thing there wasn’t anyone else to see; he’d never have lived it down if Matt or Liam had been there.
Kai was awake now. He blinked in the sunlight, gave a tiny sneeze.
‘That’s your daddy!’ she whispered in his little shell ear. Words came into her head from way back. Dance for your daddy, my little laddie. Something about a boat and a fish.
She watched Will’s bumpy progress along the shingle. The bag kept slipping off and he had to refold the rug. In the end he dumped both inside the buggy and carried it like that.
‘It’s heavy!’ he said. ‘Wouldn’t you be better off with that sling thing that Mum gave you?’
‘I lost it.’
‘I saw you,’ Will said, ‘the other day. Wednesday? With another girl.’
‘That’s my new friend, Colleen,’ Mia said. ‘She’s got a baby, too.’
‘I saw.’
‘Where were you, then? We didn’t see you. Why didn’t you come over?’
Will shrugged. ‘Didn’t know if you’d want me to. You were mucking about in the water. Crazy! You were both soaked through.’
He shoved another log into the fire. He didn’t need to, but it was something to do. The wood was burning well now, cleanly, without much smoke. Mia leaned back, to keep Kai safely out of the sparks that every so often flared and spun upwards like fireflies.
Will scuffed about the beach, searching out flat pebbles for skimming.
‘Did you know,’ he said, ‘that there’s no such thing as a completely round pebble?’
‘Who says?’ Mia teased.
‘It’s a fact. Honest.’
‘I’ll prove you wrong, then.’
Mia leaned over Kai, scrabbling among the pebbles she could reach from where she was sitting. They were all shapes and colours, no two the same. Lots of egg-shaped ones, but none were perfectly round.
‘Here. You hold him while I look.’
She held Kai out. He didn’t have a choice. She saw him waver, ready to refuse, but she suddenly knew he wouldn’t.
‘You have to support his head still,’ Mia said. She carefully put Kai into his arms and he sat down, the baby stiff and awkward on his lap. Mia laughed. ‘I don’t know who’s more scared, you or him.’
Will tried to laugh, but his voice came out funny.
‘You’re all right,’ Mia said. ‘There’s no one looking. No one else here but us.’
‘It’s not that,’ Will said.
‘What, then?’
‘It feels – I don’t know what. I can’t believe it. That he’s such a – that he’s real. A little person. Like me or you.’
Mia walked a little way along the beach, hunting out pebbles. She could sense them both watching her, willing her not to go too far. Kai began to whimper and Will called to her. She couldn’t resist it, that brief moment of power; she walked just a little further, until Kai started to cry properly, and then she turned back.
‘Babies always cry when I hold them,’ Will said, gingerly handing Kai back as if he were explosive material.
‘And which babies would this be?’
‘You know, at Tasha’s or whatever.’
‘Once, maybe.’
‘Well, you know what I mean. I’m not very good with them.’
‘He doesn’t know you, that’s all.’
Not yet, she wanted to add, but she didn’t. Instead she found herself asking about Ali. The words just blurted out.
‘So are you going out with Ali?’
‘Who told you that?’
‘I heard about the party. Ali’s party. You must have known I would.’
‘That. Yes, well, I drank too much. I was upset.’
‘You were upset? I’d just had Kai. Couldn’t you think for one second what it might be like for me?’
Mia was trembling all over. Kai started to cry. Now it was all going to go wrong again, like last time. She stood up, took a deep breath, jiggled Kai against her shoulder, shushed him.
‘Anyway,’ Will said. ‘I’m not going out with her. Since you asked.’
He sat, silent, poking a stick into the fire, stirring up the embers into red-hot sparks. Mia turned half away and stared at the sea. She held Kai against her shoulder, his eyes peeping over it at the sparks.
‘I’m sorry,’ he finally said. ‘I’ve made a mess of everything. But we weren’t together, were we, for months before – before Ali’s party. So I don’t under stand, really…’ His voice trailed slightly. ‘I’m going away soon, anyway.’
Mia turned back to face him. ‘Where?’
‘Not far. It’s just a holiday job, for the summer. The camping and caravan place at Mill Cove. I can live up there. I get my own caravan for the summer.’
Mia shifted Kai to the other shoulder.
‘He needs a feed,’ she said.
‘I’ll go,’ Will said.
‘You don’t have to.’
‘No, I’ll go and get bacon and stuff. For breakfast. You might be hungry by then. Don’t worry about the fire. I can get it going again when I come back.’
Maybe it isn’t going so badly wrong after all, Mia thought, as she unbuttoned the top of her dress so she could feed Kai. He’d wanted to sit with her. Had made the fire for her. Had even held Kai. Said he wasn’t going out with Ali. So what if he was working away for the summer? Perhaps she might even go and visit him in the caravan. They could just turn up, her and Kai. If there was a bus that went near. She felt cheered up about Ali. He’d gone to get the bacon and was coming back. All good signs.
He’d held Kai for the very first time. Said sorry.
She was glad she was wearing the dress. She knew it suited her. Wondered whether he remembered it, from last summer. She hadn’t meant to get so cross with him, but that was how it always was with her. He knew that.
Mia imagined describing the conversation to Colleen. She’d laugh. She’d probably say something like, ‘Why don’t you just come straight out and tell him you still like him? Why mess about? Then he can say yes or no.’
Colleen didn’t really understand how complicated it was. And the truth was, she, Mia, didn’t really know what she wanted from Will. Did she really think they could go out together, as if Kai didn’t exist? What did they have in common anyway? He’d be starting A levels in September, and then going off to university. He was getting his music together now, playing gigs at pubs even, Becky said. While she was doing what exactly? Looking after a baby.
The sun felt warm on her back and shoulders. It drew out the smells of the beach, a mixture of rotting seaweed and salt and something else, the accumulated stink of all the rubbish washed up by each tide. Not far away she could see a rotten stump of wood that looked like a dead dog. It could be, almost. Nothing would surprise her. Sometimes there were bits of clothing, or a waterlogged trainer, or old condoms and tampons flushed out of the sewage outlet further up the coast. You’d probably catch something if you swam in the sea here. You had to go right up the coast if you wanted to swim. Dad used to take them in the car. They hadn’t done that for years.
She was thirsty. She reached out for the bag and pulled out the bottle of water. Still only eight forty-five. Dad and Julie probably weren’t even up yet. She had hours to kill. She wondered what Colleen was doing today. Colleen didn’t have a phone, so Mia would have to wait for her to call from a phone box.
Kai was sleepy after his feed. Mia arranged the buggy so he could have some shade and put him in it. She covered him loosely with a blanket, rocked the buggy to and fro until he was properly asleep.
The fire was almost out. She collected up more dry grass and small sticks and fed them into the glowing embers. Little by little she coaxed the fire back into life. You didn’t need big flames for cooking, just the white heat of logs that have been burning for a while.
Will seemed to take ages. Perhaps he wasn’t coming back after all.
She finally saw the distant figure trudging along the shore from Whitecross, a plastic bag swinging from one hand.
‘Had to wait for it to open,’ he explained.
He opened the packet of bacon with the blade of his penknife. Then he chose sticks to whittle into a point, peeled back the bark, speared rolls of raw bacon on to each, ready for cooking.