Once Upon a Star - Celebrity kiss and tell stories
Page 20
“You know, girl, you can have that. It happens for people, just not, well, not around here all that often,” he said with a sad look in his eye.
I wondered then about the people like him on the other end. The people in the world I was always infiltrating, the ones that were in so deep, they couldn’t get out. I could still get out. I could slip out the back door of Hollywood, and no one would really notice; maybe a club promoter here or there, and my girlfriends, for a little while.
The sun had started changing the colors of the night sky, and I was sobering up. I told Sean it was time to go. He kissed me again, and told me that if I ever needed anything, or anyone, I could call him, and he would be there. I thanked him for everything.
“I don’t think you could really understand what this has meant for me, and I don’t think I will see for sometime either, but thank you, for things I don’t even know yet,” I said, and then left. I climbed into my car, and slowly backed out of the driveway.
I drove out of Malibu, feeling like the world was on fire behind me. Rather than going back to my apartment, I got on the 405 and drove south. I had it in my mind to go all the way to Mexico, but I found myself sitting in my car, out in front of the house that I’d grown up in.
She answered the door in her robe. She was up early, making coffee and reading the paper, and she didn’t ask me any questions. She gave me pajamas and put me to sleep in her bed. I slept until the late afternoon, and, when I woke up, I knew I wasn’t going back. I stayed at my mother’s house until I had two weeks of sobriety. Those weeks were hard, and they were dark. I would spend a lot of time outside, walking. Something about walking made me feel like I was getting somewhere, even if I always went home. The ground passing beneath my feet felt like progress. It was progress toward something that I didn’t know.
I just knew I had been in one place too long and I was on my way to a better one. The transition was uncomfortable, no doubt, but they usually always are. I thought about Sean often, and sent him my love through the winds, hoping he could find someone to love him, too.
When I did go back to my apartment to gather my things, I felt a detached and vague indifference toward my life there. I thought it would be much more difficult. I was worried that I would want to stay, and I would trick myself into thinking it could be different. Packing up that apartment with my mother was like going through the things of a friend who had died. I felt sad for the passing of something that had once been some sort of greatness, but I also felt lightness in letting it all go. I threw most of my things away, and donated almost everything else. The few things I did keep, I put in a brown box and labelled it L.A. with a big black sharpie. It sat in the back seat the whole way down the 405, and, when we got home, I put it on a shelf in my mother’s garage. I only recently took it down to remember, and to tell you these stories.
Epilogue
I look back at my fairy tale existence with a fondness that is bittersweet. I know it may seem to a lot of you that I had lived in a dream world. I would have to reluctantly agree. I wrote this book as a diary of my life, so that I may reflect and learn from it. Although I strongly would not recommend this sort of behaviour to any girl reading this, at the same time, I cannot discount its journey and self-discovery. I was so busy chasing after love, that, had I put the same energy toward my career, I may have actually become a successful actress. I guess the true lesson learned would be to love and honour yourself before you embark on the pursuit of love. My life now is based on family and fulfilment of dreams in the real world. I take a great deal of pride knowing my actions are judged based on my knowledge and professionalism.
Lead your life with integrity, and always place your well being above all else. Life is fragile. Live it proudly. I have since moved on from the Hollywood scene. I moved back to Orange County, where I was born and raised. I went back to school and obtained a real estate license, and I now own my own company. If I had to do anything differently, it would be to have had more self-love and respect. Looking back at the source of my passion I've come to realize I was blind. Completely unafraid of the dark.
After writing this book, I came to realize that, Once upon a time, I was just a girl who wanted to believe in fairy tales, and wished to fall in love and live happily ever after...