Keeping Katerina (The Victorians)

by Simone Beaudelaire

  "New Year’s."

  The doctor raised his eyebrows.

  "That explains a great deal."

  "What?" Christopher was not following the conversation.

  Dr. James ignored him. "When did you marry?"

  "Mid-January."

  "Well that answers the question then, doesn’t it?"

  "Oh, it can’t be. I’m not ready."

  "What’s happening?" Christopher asked, more insistently.

  "Your wife is with child, Mr. Bennett."

  He looked at Katerina, startled.

  "Is that true?"

  "It must be. Oh Lord, almost three months, really?"

  "Yes, really." The doctor replied.

  "But… how?" Christopher asked.

  "Mr. Bennett," the doctor said dryly, "I assume you understand how the process works?"

  "Of course."

  "Well then you know what happened. You married this lady, you took her to bed, and now she’s pregnant. That’s how this works, Mr. Bennett. That’s the purpose behind marriage."

  "Oh God."

  "It’s no great cause for concern. Married ladies are supposed to become with child."

  "I know, but it seems too soon."

  "As long as the conception took place AFTER the wedding, there’s really no such thing as too soon."

  "So perhaps my wife’s seasickness…"

  "Was exacerbated by the nausea of early pregnancy."

  "But I’ve not felt sick any other times. Only on the ship coming to Italy, and now, heading home." Katerina interjected, still not wanting to believe it.

  "Well if you only feel sick when at sea, your early pregnancy is going better than some. Of course, as far along as you are, you were likely almost done with the unpleasant part anyway. Around the fourth month, most women begin to feel better. Well now that I’m convinced you’re healthy, I’ll leave you in privacy. Be sure you keep eating and drinking water normally. And congratulations."

  "Thank you, Dr. James," Christopher said woodenly as the doctor let himself out of their cabin.

  Katerina looked at her husband in stunned horror. He looked back, his expression mirroring hers. And then they leaned forward and hugged each other fiercely, silently. There was nothing to be said. So they just held on tight while the whole world shifted and changed around them.

  ***Chapter 20***

  The voyage was slower this time, with less cooperative winds, and the ship did not sail into Southampton until the end of the first week of April. It had taken all that time for the Bennetts to come to terms with the stunning revelation.

  Christopher, who came from a loving family, had only required those days to recover from the shock and become delighted.

  Katerina was far more uncomfortable about parenthood. She had many fears about her ability to care for a child, and was not ready to face them. Though she never said so to her husband, she often wished the whole situation would just go away. But of course, it didn’t. Neither did the sickness. She was terrified and miserable.

  Once her feet were back on solid ground, the nausea abated somewhat, but now fear of the future kept her stomach roiling.

  They slept one night at an inn in the shipping town, before boarding the train back to London. It was Sunday and Christopher would surprise his father by returning to work the next day. He was ready. The wedding trip had been wonderful, and he was glad they had taken it, but real life was beckoning, and too much recreation time made him jittery.

  The snug row house welcomed them invitingly, and there were leaves on the trees. The grass in the yard was greening up nicely. Inside, new furniture they had selected before their trip had been delivered, and Katie and Mackenzie had made sure it was arranged comfortably and attractively in all the little rooms.

  The couple walked through the house, admiring how it suddenly looked and felt like home. There was a small entryway which led into a little parlor with a sofa, a chaise, and two armchairs surrounding a fireplace. Paintings hung from the walls, warming the space. Further in was a dining room with a table big enough for eight, and across from it, the study. Rows of bookshelves were already filled with novels, as both of the Bennetts were voracious readers. Deepest of all was the kitchen, and beside it, the music room, equipped with Katerina’s beloved pianoforte, a framed painting of an orchestra hanging above it. She smiled and sat on the bench, warming up her rusty fingers on an instrument belonging to her alone. It sounded just as lovely as it had in the showroom. She treated her husband to a little concert before they clasped hands and headed upstairs.

  They had equipped one of the bedrooms for guests, and of course, theirs was fully furnished and ready, using the pieces from Christopher’s apartment. Between the two furnished rooms was an empty one. Katerina looked at the blank walls and bare floors in silence for a long moment. Christopher slid his arm around her waist. He didn’t say it would be an ideal nursery. He didn’t have to. It was obvious. He could sense her discomfort, and it didn’t surprise him. This was a heavy burden for a woman still so unsure of herself. He led her from the little room and distracted her in the best possible way, taking her to bed and making love to her until she could think of nothing but the pleasure of their bodies coming together. And then, as it was late, and both were tired from so much travel, they went right to sleep.

  In the morning, Christopher headed off to work, late as usual, and Katerina, after a long bath and a hearty breakfast, scrawled a brief note to her mother-in-law, letting her know they were home. Julia arrived for a visit two hours later.

  "Oh, how lovely this little house is," she exclaimed, claiming a spot on the sofa while Katerina rang for tea.

  "Thank you."

  "And how was Italy?"

  "Wonderful. We met my grandfather. He’s been widowed for several years, but he recently remarried a lovely young singer from France."

  "I’m glad to hear it. It’s not good to be alone."

  "No. I suppose not. Um, Mother?"

  "Yes love?"

  "I wanted to ask a favor of you."

  "What do you need?"

  "Well, I remember you were talking about having a party for us, for our wedding…"

  "Yes. I did want to do that."

  "Well, my birthday is coming up at the end of April, and I was wondering if you would…"

  "Yes. Of course. Just tell me how you want it to be, how big, whom we should invite. I don’t want to overwhelm you."

  "Thank you. I appreciate it."

  "You seem… better."

  "Oh, I am. So much better." She smiled.

  "And also troubled."

  "Well, yes, that also."

  "Care to talk about it?"

  "If you’d like."

  "Very much. So, tell me what’s good."

  "I love my husband. He loves me too. We figured it out in Italy."

  "Excellent. That’s much better than I dared to hope. And the troubling part?"

  "I’m… expecting."

  "Expecting?"

  "Yes. Expecting a baby."

  "Oh dear. That happened fast, didn’t it?"

  "It did. I’m… not ready. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this."

  "Well, fortunately babies are born with very simple needs. It allows mothers a chance to grow into caring for them. So then, my dear, when is the baby due?"

  "Late September or early October."

  Julia considered for a moment. "So this must have happened right away?"

  "It would seem so."

  "Let me reassure you. Every new mother is nervous at first. It’s overwhelming. You’re hardly the first to be upset by it."

  "But this is different."

  "How so?"

  "You know what I come from. What if I pass it on? What if I hurt my baby?"

  "You won’t."

  "How can you be sure?"

  "Do you want to?"

  "Of course not."

  "Then you won’t. Don’t worry, Katerina. Everyone will help you. You won’t be left t
o deal with this alone."

  "I don’t want to deal with it at all. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want a baby."

  She hadn’t meant to say it aloud. She glanced at Julia, expecting to see anger or disapproval in her mother-in-law’s expression. She saw none of those things.

  "That’s quite normal, my dear." Julia said softly, "don’t be angry with yourself for feeling this way. I was no different the first time, and like you, I conceived very quickly after the wedding. It passes. And even if you’re never fully comfortable with motherhood, it’s not impossible to do the best you can for the child you have, and then not have any more."

  "Is that what you did?"

  "No. Some of my friends did. After a time, towards the middle of the pregnancy, my feelings changed. I was glad. But neither way is wrong. You feel what you feel. It’s the actions which count."

  "That’s good to know."

  "How’s Christopher?"

  "Excited and happy. I haven’t been able to tell him how upsetting this is."

  "Perhaps it’s best if you don’t. He won’t know what to do about it, and it’s possible your feelings will change down the road, once you adjust a little."

  "I hope so. Right now I’m just terrified."

  "Perhaps it’s not a bad thing, dear. It means you are thinking carefully about all this, and about your responsibilities. A child could do much worse than having a thoughtful mother."

  "As a comfort, I’m afraid it falls a little short."

  "I’m sure. Try not to panic, Katerina. You’re not alone. You have many people who love you and want you to be a successful mother."

  "Thank you."

  Julia crossed the room to her and hugged her tight. That was more comforting than any conversation. "Do you know what you need, dear?"

  "What?"

  "You need to talk to Mrs. Turner about this. She was trained as a midwife before her marriage, and she delivered all of my children. She’s also someone who knows what it is to suffer from difficult relationships. Will you talk to her?"

  "Yes, I would like that. I think it would be very reassuring."

  "Well then let’s plan it. She has young children, so most likely you will need to go to her."

  "That’s not a problem."

  "Good. Let’s make a plan to visit her this week."

  "Yes, let’s do it."

  ******

  A few days later, Katerina was seated in a comfortable parlor on a chocolate colored sofa with a cup of tea and a sugar biscuit, with a five year old little girl playing near her feet. It was amazing that even though the two women were the same age, Julia’s sons were both adults: Christopher twenty-four years old, his younger brother Devin still at university, but close to graduation. Madeline Turner was also the mother of an adult child; however, her second marriage had begun when she was over thirty, and in addition to Collin, she had three children under ten. She was such a relaxed and comfortable matron, that Katerina instantly felt better in her company. She always had, ever since the Colonel’s wife and her mother-in-law had taken the shy Katerina under their collective wings over a year before.

  "Well dear, now that you’re settled with tea and sweets, Julia said you wanted to talk to me. What is it, dear?"

  "Well, I’m… enceinte. I didn’t expect this so soon and I’m terribly nervous about it."

  "That’s a perfectly normal reaction."

  "Do you know about my… history?"

  "Some. Is that part of why you feel nervous?"

  "Yes. I would hate to perpetuate the legacy of abuse."

  "It’s a legitimate concern. One key to successful parenting is to know yourself. You’ve received violence, and you have those seeds inside you. Honestly, dear, everyone does. Anyone can snap in frustration at a child. That’s why you must be honest with yourself about getting help when you need it. Not allowing yourself to become excessively aggravated is an important step for preventing abuse."

  "My father required no frustration to become violent."

  "I’m sorry, dear. Some people are just evil."

  "How do I know I’m not? I’m his daughter."

  "Have you harmed others?"

  "No. I’ve had no opportunity, but I didn’t hesitate to take advantage of Christopher’s offer for help, even though I knew I wouldn’t be good for him."

  "Katerina, stop." Julia said gently, "You were in desperate need of help. And I disagree with the idea you’ve been bad to him. Don’t you love him?"

  "Yes."

  "And he loves you. He’s not stupid. He wouldn’t love you if you were a violent evil monster."

  Katerina smiled a little. "Perhaps not."

  "Rest assured, despite your difficult circumstances, you are capable of being a good mother if you decide you want to be. How far along are you?"

  "The doctor on the ship estimated about three months. I think closer to four now."

  "How are you feeling?"

  "Fine."

  "Nausea? Fatigue? Soreness?"

  "Fatigue, definitely. It’s hard to get up in the morning. I’m only sore in… two places."

  "I know what you mean," Mrs. Turner said, taking in Katerina’s pink cheeks, "That’s normal. Don’t let it worry you. Oh, and here’s one other thing that shouldn’t concern you. You may be… close to your husband as often as you would like. There’s no harm in it."

  "Good to know," Katerina put her hands on her burning face.

  "Unfortunately, there’s no modesty allowed for expectant mothers, Katerina. You’ll cope. Do you understand the delivery process?"

  "Um, no. I didn’t even understand the conception process until Christopher explained it to me on our wedding night."

  "Ah. Well there are some things you should know about what’s coming. Oh, and I’ll be happy to deliver your baby if you would like. Doctors are becoming more popular, and if you prefer, I can recommend a good one, but most of the time they’re not necessary."

  "Oh, no. I would rather have you. It’s better. Childbearing is women’s business."

  "Yes. That’s how I felt too." Julia agreed.

  "Well we’re all in agreement then," Mrs. Turner said, smiling. "And I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have in the meanwhile. Just come and see me or send a note any time."

  "I’ll do that. Thank you."

  ******

  The visit was a turning point for Katerina. Although the idea of motherhood still terrified her, she was willing to trust her friends to help her through it. In the privacy of her mind, she admitted to herself she would rather not be doing this, but it was too late. It was happening. Now she just had to do the best she could for her little one.

  By the end of April, her lower belly had a visible curve. As she watched her body change, the reality of the little person inside her dawned more clearly every day. She also began to experience strange sensations in her belly. Curious what it might mean, she invited Mrs. Turner over for tea.

  "Well, look at you, dear," the midwife said, "You’re starting to show nicely."

  "I’m supposed to have a birthday party next month. I hope I’m not too big."

  "I think, with the right dress, you might just be able to get away with it."

  Her condition was not a secret. By now everyone who had been invited to the little gathering was aware that the Bennetts were expecting. But it was considered uncouth to display a pregnancy swollen abdomen.

  "I’ll have to talk to Mme Olivier about it. She’s a genius. She’ll be able to create something suitable, I’m sure."

  "No doubt. Now then, I can see you have something on your mind. What’s worrying you?"

  "I have a funny feeling in my belly."

  "What does it feel like?"

  "It’s hard to describe. It tickles."

  "Does it feel like bubbles?"

  "It did for a while. Now it’s more like soft thumping, as though someone were tapping a finger. Oh, there it goes again."

  "Where?"

  She placed her hand
on Katerina’s belly. Katerina guided her to the spot where a rhythmic little impact was repeating.

  "Oh, how lovely."

  "What is it?"

  "Your baby has hiccoughs."

  "What? That’s the baby?"

  "Yes, dear. You’re in your fourth month. It’s not surprising you can feel it."

  Katerina placed her hand on the little spot. "Goodness."

  She was still in awe when Mrs. Turner left. Alone in her parlor, she experienced a growing awareness of a sensation she hadn’t expected this time a month ago. It was a feeling of… excitement. The little bump in her belly was her child, hers and Christopher’s. Soon, only a few months from now, she would deliver this little person and it would be hers, her son, or her daughter. Hers and his. She would experience the joy of watching him be a father. He would be wonderful at it.

  As though her thoughts had summoned him, Christopher arrived, his dark hair rumpled by the spring breeze.

  "Hello, love," he said, kissing her forehead.

  She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close for a much longer kiss, mashing her lips to his, squeezing him tight.

  "Well well," he said, "It seems you’re feeling all right."

  "Yes, wonderful. Here, give me your hand." She pressed his fingers to her belly.

  "What, Kat?"

  "Hush. Just wait."

  He waited. Long moments later, a little squirming sensation fluttered under his fingers. His eyes widened.

  "What was that?"

  "Our baby."

  "Oh Lord."

  "I know. Isn’t it amazing?"

  "Yes. I can’t believe it. Oh, love, you should see yourself. So happy. Are you happy, Katerina?"

  "Yes. I think I finally am. There’s a baby here." She pressed her hand over his, "A baby who is part of you and part of me."

  "Yes. I love that."

  "Has there ever been such love?"

  "Not that I know of. Well, every couple probably feels this way, but it’s special because it’s us."

  "Yes."

  He cupped her cheek with the fingers of his free hand and lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her again.

  "I love you so much, Kat."

  "And I love you, Christopher."

  "And you’re not so worried anymore?"