Recursion

by Tony Ballantyne

  “Oh. I thought the Center was here to help us.”

  Eva pulled her white robe closer around her chest and walked into her room. Nicolas unthinkingly followed her in.

  “Excuse me,” Eva said. “I’d like to get changed.”

  Nicolas’ eyes widened at the sudden realization of what he had done.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I just wanted to talk,” he stammered. Eva gazed at him as he stumbled to the door. She knew he didn’t mean anything. He was just a sad geek who didn’t know how to get along with people. Just like her, really. Her attitude softened.

  “That’s okay,” she said. “Look, let me get changed and then we can talk. Why don’t you go to the common room and wait for me?”

  Nicolas smiled delightedly.

  “Okay. I’ll meet you there.”

  The common room was a profoundly depressing place. Like everything else in the Center, it was just too big for its sparse contents: a few boxes containing board games, scratched video consoles, several chipped mugs half full of cold coffee standing between the legs of the comfy chairs that faced the viewing screen. The shabby items were lost in the cheerless orange expanse of the room.

  Two patients sat facing each other across a low table, playing cards with a Braille deck, calling out the values of their hands as they laid them down. They both twitched and stuttered as they played; one kept pausing as if to listen to sounds in the room. He turned nervously in Eva’s direction.

  “It’s okay,” she reassured him, “I’m a patient too.”

  He seemed to relax a little. Eva felt sick. Everyone knew that stealth weapons were a terrible thing, but it had turned into a sort of game. Those in power denied their existence; people like Eva waved the evidence in their faces and watched them squirm. She remembered her arguments with DeForest and felt embarrassed. Laser weapons mounted on planes which could blind pedestrians. Targeted psychopathic drugs. Both were horrible concepts. Here was the reality: Eva was looking at the human cost of such weapons.

  Nicolas was sitting on a chair looking out through the broad window at the wide lawn leading across to the sparse woodland that surrounded the Center. She could see the tops of the limes bobbing in the breeze.

  “Hello, Nicolas,” Eva said.

  “Eva.” Nicolas blushed. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean anything. I just wanted to talk. I didn’t think about you being, well…just getting out of the bath, and I…”

  “That’s okay.”

  “No. Thank you, I mean…You’re just being polite, but honestly, I didn’t mean anything. We’re not supposed to have relationships while we’re in here, you know, so I wouldn’t have wanted…well, not that you’re…”

  “That’s okay, Nicolas. I understand. You just weren’t thinking.”

  “I mean…I have enough trouble just getting out of bed some days. I need to get my life sorted out before I even think of…not that I’m saying you’re not pretty, but…”

  Eva sat down in one of the comfy chairs.

  “What’s happened to Alison?” she said, interrupting Nicolas’ monologue.

  “Oh, she stormed out of the building. She said she was going back to the pub. She’ll be looking for, well…”

  He looked embarrassed. Eva made no comment.

  “It’s a pity Nurse Reed isn’t here. She could calm her down. Nurse Reed knows how to handle Alison.”

  “Oh? Which one is Nurse Reed? I still haven’t learned all their names.”

  “She’s the one with the short red hair. You know, the French-looking cut? It’s her week off.”

  Nicolas looked around the room, searching for something else to say. Eva noted the frayed trouser cuffs that came too far up his leg, the greying dress shirt that he habitually wore with the collar buttoned down. She broke the silence first.

  “What did Nurse Dyer mean when she said that you shouldn’t have taken Katie with you?”

  “Katie gets nervous around people. She can’t handle being spoken to by strangers.” Nicolas gave a yelping laugh. “She’s not even very good at being spoken to by her friends.”

  “Oh.”

  Nicolas lapsed into silence. He seemed to be struggling with what to say next, desperate to fill the conversational gap.

  Eva spoke for him. “She looks familiar, doesn’t she? Katie, I mean. I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere before.”

  Nicolas gulped once, twice.

  “Well, erm, well.” He gulped again and changed the subject. “What about you, Eva? We all saw you the night that you were brought in. I’ve never seen anybody with so many drug feeds attached. What had you done?”

  “Tried to commit suicide. I almost succeeded, too.” Eva heard the pride in her own voice.

  “Suicide? That’s impressive. Social Care usually picks up the signs well in advance. Why did you do it?”

  “I’d rather not talk about that.”

  “Fair enough,” Nicolas said. “Still, suicide. How did you arrange it?”

  “Loaded my teddy bear with Panacetamol over the course of several months and then took them all at once. I thought nobody would think it odd that I’d fallen asleep on a train. Obviously someone did.”

  Nicolas frowned. “Panacetamol? I didn’t think they could reverse that. I thought that once you’d taken enough that was it. All they could do was sit back and watch you die.”

  Eva shrugged. “It would appear not.”

  Nicolas placed one hand on her shoulder in what was probably meant to be a supportive gesture.

  “Never mind that now. Look, we all stick together in this place. If you ever feel bad, come and see us. We’ll try to help.”

  Eva managed not to shudder at the feel of Nicolas’ hand on her shoulder. He doesn’t mean anything, she thought, he’s just socially inept. She struggled to hold on to that thought as his gaze wandered down to her breasts again.

  In the corner, the blind card players came to the end of a game. One of them twitched and gazed sightlessly around the room as the other fumblingly shuffled the deck.

  Eva had slept with her curtains open since she had come to the Center. It was nice to look out into darkness and not the orange glow that filled the night back in South Street. As she lay down, she heard the voice.

  “Katie does look familiar, doesn’t she? I’m sure we’ve seen her before.”

  “Who are you?” Eva whispered into the darkness. “Why do you keep talking to me?”

  But there was no reply.

  Someone was shaking her shoulder. Someone was screaming, and as she struggled to consciousness, Eva had a horrible feeling it might be herself. She rolled over in the bed to see Katie staring down at her, an anxious expression engraved on her thin face. Her tiny piggy eyes slid this way and that to avoid Eva’s gaze.

  “Come and help. Alison’s in a bad way. Please come and speak to her.”

  The words came out in a rush. The screaming was still going on, and Eva realized that it came from somewhere down the corridor. She struggled to a sitting position.

  Katie had taken her hand from Eva’s shoulder and had gone to stand in the middle of the bedroom, wrapping her fingers around each other and staring at the floor. Eva brushed the hair from her face and yawned. The sky outside her rain-streaked window was a uniform dull grey; the cheerless orange walls of her room did nothing to lift her spirits. The screaming from down the corridor outside stopped for a moment, then a stream of barely coherent swearing began. Eva recognized Alison’s voice.

  “What’s happened?” Eva pulled her trousers from the back of the chair. The belt caught the paperback lying facedown on her low bedside table, flipping it to the floor.

  Katie gazed around the room, still looking everywhere rather than at Eva.

  “Alison shouldn’t be let out when she’s on a high. She gets drunk and then lets all the men in the pub sleep with her. She hates herself the next day.”

  “What?” Eva said, struggling into her trousers. “Then why did Nurse Dyer le
t her get away last night?”

  “Nurse Dyer can’t stop her. Besides, Nurse Dyer doesn’t like Alison.”

  “What? But that’s…unprofessional!” The words sounded childish even to her own ears.

  Eva staggered across the room, finally getting her trousers up to her waist. She turned her back on Katie and pulled off her nightgown. Her breasts felt heavy and sore this morning, and she held one arm over them as she looked for her sweatshirt. Katie blushed and gazed at the ceiling.

  “Nurse Dyer is jealous of Alison. Alison is clever and pretty. Please come and speak to her.”

  “What can I say? I barely know her.”

  “I don’t know. You’ll think of something. You’re clever, too.”

  “Me?” Eva gave a bitter laugh. “I couldn’t even get promotion in a fast-food shop.”

  Katie said nothing. She waited nervously as Eva found her shoes, grabbed her book to shove into her back pocket for safety, then followed her into the corridor. They found Nicolas standing in front of Alison, holding his hand as if it had just been bitten, an expression of utter horror on his face.

  “Get away from me, you bastard!” shouted Alison. “You bastard. Bastard! BASTARD!”

  She jumped forward and began to beat at him with her fists. Nicolas backed away uncertainly. Katie took him by the arm and pulled him away from Alison, sliding her body into the space between them.

  “She doesn’t mean it, Nicolas,” Katie said, her words emerging in staccato bursts. “She’s just taking it out on you. Go away and she’ll be fine by this evening.” Katie stared at the floor. Nicolas merely nodded. He turned and walked away, looking hurt.

  Katie looked directly at Eva for the first time, her tiny blue eyes gazing straight into hers, a fraction of a second and no more, then they flicked toward Alison, reminding Eva of her instructions. She took a deep breath.

  “Alison,” she said softly.

  Alison turned toward her, face twisted with rage. As she looked at Eva, some of the rage drained from her eyes. She stifled a sob.

  “Oh, Eva,” she said. “The bastards. The bastards.” She put her arms around Eva’s neck and dissolved into tears. Eva gazed up at the ceiling, wondering what to do next.

  Eva and Katie sat with Alison as the sobbing turned to crying, the crying turned to stray tears, and finally, just red-eyed despondency.

  “I used to be a university lecturer,” she said. “History. Look at me now. All because I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being watched, that everyone was talking about me behind my back.”

  “That’s how I felt,” said Eva. “The difference was I never made anything of my life. Too stupid, I guess.”

  Her voice tailed away. Some sixth sense made her aware of Katie’s gaze on the back of her neck. As she spun around to look, Katie quickly glanced away.

  “I don’t think you’re stupid,” Alison said colorlessly. “Katie thinks you have a lot of potential, and Katie is never wrong.” The expressionless tone made her sound as if she was totally uninterested in what she was saying.

  Eva did not think a reply was appropriate. Once again, silence descended upon the room. She was about to open her book when Alison continued.

  “This isn’t the first time you’ve been in here, is it?”

  “No. I was brought in when they killed my brother.”

  “They killed your brother?” Alison said in astonishment. “Who did? What happened?”

  She sat up straight on her untidy bed, her eyes wide with amazement. Eva felt a surge of embarrassment. She blushed, unsure what to say next. “Um, I don’t know.”

  Katie came to her rescue.

  “It’s not what it sounds like,” said Katie in a rush of words. “Can’t you tell, Alison? She was addicted to MTPH.”

  “Oh,” Alison said. “An emptyhead? Now I understand.”

  They weren’t allowed to wean someone off MTPH anymore. Addiction was held to be a matter of personal choice, and there was a growing argument that the second personality had some rights too…Eva had been one of the last people to be forcibly broken of the addiction; even now she struggled to forget the last few days of her “brother’s” life.

  She had been locked into the room next door but one to the room she occupied this time. Just herself and a bed in that great empty orange cube of a room. The toughened glass windows didn’t open; they merely offered a view across the scrubby lawn towards the dull grey lime trees, dissolving in the mist of the rain. Her brother had sat cross-legged on the floor, retaining an expression of acceptance on his face as he faded away.

  “How can you be so calm!” He had just shrugged and smiled sadly at her.

  “All things must pass, Eva,” he said, a little grin playing around his lips. “Besides, I can’t imagine what will happen to me. I’m your opposite, aren’t I? MTPH stimulates the underused parts of your personality. I’m everything you are not. Calm, positive, dull and unimaginative…”

  “It’s me who’s the dull and unimaginative one,” said Eva. “Oh, what am I going to do without you?”

  “You’ll make other friends. Maybe some real company will do you good, Eva.”

  “No! How can you say that?”

  The arguments had raged during her brother’s last few days, until he had simply faded away to leave her all on her own. The people who had shut her away insisted that he had never actually existed: he was only a hallucination, brought about by continuing exposure to MTPH. But they didn’t understand. Only someone who had taken MTPH could understand.

  “They’re plotting something, Eva.”

  Eva sat up in bed in her darkened room, hugging the duvet tightly around her body.

  “Who’s plotting something?”

  “Katie is. And Alison is, too, but not quite the same thing. Nicolas is involved, but he’s just a passenger. It’s Katie we need to watch. If only we knew who she was…”

  Eva felt fear take hold of her, her stomach filling with dark dread.

  “Who is that?” she whispered, her voice shaking. “Why do you keep talking to me?”

  “They’re in the lounge, Eva.”

  “Who are you?”

  The voice went silent. Feeling rather foolish, Eva draped the duvet around herself and stumbled sleepily from her room. The corridor outside was brightly lit but deserted. The nurses’ station stood empty, a nearly full vending machine cup sat steaming on the desk. Muted music and voices could be heard from the game room. Eva headed toward the sound.

  They were watching a game show. Alison and Nicolas were sprawled on two comfortable seats, holding hands, Katie sitting upright behind them on a hard plastic chair. She turned round as Eva stumbled into the room, then reached to shake Alison’s shoulder.

  “Eva? What’s the matter?” said Alison, repeatedly waving the sound down. Eventually the ancient viewing screen caught the signal.

  “What time is it?”

  “Just after two o’clock,” said Nicolas. “What is the matter?”

  “I keep hearing voices,” Eva said.

  Katie and Alison exchanged glances.

  “See?” Katie said. “I told you.”

  “Okay, okay,” said Alison. “I’m sorry, I should have believed you. Eva, come and sit with us. I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. Katie and Nicolas are keeping me company.”

  “Yes,” Nicolas said. “You can lie here on the chair next to me. You’ve got your duvet.”

  “Thank you,” Eva said uncertainly. She sat down on the chair and wrapped the duvet tightly around herself. The soothing light of the viewing screen and the gentle background dialogue filled the room. It was strange, but there was something welcoming about the atmosphere of the room, filled with the silence of people who felt comfortable with each other. For the first time in weeks, months even, Eva felt as if she could relax. It didn’t matter that Nicolas and Alison were exchanging looks in some unspoken conversation. It didn’t matter that the voice had been right and they were plotting something. It was enough that the
same voice had sent her to be part of this group, and that they had accepted her into their circle. Maybe tomorrow she would worry about their schemes; tonight, she felt accepted.

  Eva allowed herself to drift off to sleep, snuggled tightly in her duvet.

  It was a bright, sunny morning. Only a faint chill to the air hinted that autumn was approaching. Eva woke to find herself in her own bed. She had a vague memory of Alison and Katie leading her back here the night before and tenderly tucking her in. Eva got up and pulled on a loose yellow sweatshirt and grey leggings and headed for the communal kitchen to make toast for breakfast. She felt surprisingly positive this morning. Someone had left black toast crumbs in the butter, but even that couldn’t spoil her mood.

  After breakfast she wandered outside, out across the scrubby grass to her circle of limes where she gazed up at the leaves. Some were already yellowing in promise of autumn. The ground was wet; it soaked through the cuffs of her leggings, yet she didn’t care.

  When Nicolas suddenly poked his head out from among the trees at the other side of the clearing and beckoned her toward him, she wasn’t at all surprised. She got to her feet and followed him into the strip of woodland that separated the Center from the nearby main road. Old cans and stained fast-food wrappers littered the woodland floor. The sound of fast-moving traffic filtered through the trees. Nicolas led her to Alison and Katie, standing in a tiny clearing by a patch of nettles and a hawthorn tree. Alison nodded at Eva as she approached. Katie was staring at an old beer can, an odd expression on her face.

  “Eva,” Alison said.

  “Alison,” Eva replied. Alison looked at Katie and came to a decision.

  “Eva. Do you know that we’re being watched?”

  Eva looked at Alison and frowned. “Well, yes. Everyone is being watched. Of course I know that.”

  Alison shook her head. “No. I’m not talking about Social Care. That’s just something that’s been concocted so that the people in charge can say that they’re concerned about our well-being. We point to the poor souls that have been blinded by laser weapons and they say, ‘Who, us? Why should we do that? The world is a better place thanks to us. Look at all the money we spend on Social Care.’”