Cruel & Beautiful

by A. M. Hargrove

  We laugh and sip, and eat, and one day at dinner when the waiter asks if we’d like to see a wine list, we both shout, “No!” We agree we’ve had enough for the day.

  By the time we get home, Drew’s energy begins to lag. He doesn’t complain, but I can see it in the longer naps and the earlier bed times. He’s using fentanyl patches for pain and sometimes has to use the lollipops laced with it, too. But one thing Drew doesn’t do is complain. If he’s in pain, he slinks off and uses a lollipop, but I can usually tell by his eyes, or the shade of his skin, which has lost its usually tawny glow and luster. His hair is growing in, but the chemo he takes for pain keeps it at that downy stage, like a newborn’s, and I love to rub my hand across it. It’s one thing that Drew loves, too, and in fact he asks me to do it a lot. He says it’s soothing.

  He’s down to nothing, as far as weight, and he was right about the sweats. It’s what he lives in these days. He mentions it again today.

  “Any chance you can buy me more of these? I hate to wear the same things over and over.”

  “Oh, sure. They’re so soft, I’m sure they’re comfy.”

  “Yeah. And I don’t have to worry about them falling off this bag of bones. I’m down to nothing, Cate, there’s no use in denying it.”

  He’s right. I can’t. He’s nothing but a shadow of what he was six or seven months ago. I have his clothes pushed to the back of the closet so he isn’t confronted by them constantly, but I sneak back and look at them. It’s sad when I see how robust and strapping he used to be compared to what he is now.

  “I won’t. But I’m also not going to tell you anything negative either, Drew. I’ll get you whatever you want. You know that.”

  “Thank you.”

  Later that week, he sits in his favorite chair, a large recliner, so I hop in with him and snuggle next to him. “How’s my guy today? Feel like doing anything? A movie?”

  “Nah, I’m good right here.”

  “Hungry?”

  “Not really. Just wanna chill.”

  “You got it.”

  Minutes later he’s sleeping. It’s what he does mostly these days. I slip out of the chair and call Ben. I usually give him an update every couple of hours. And then it turns into a tearfest for the two of us. And poor Ben. He has to work with a career to maintain throughout all of this. I’m not sure how he’s keeping this shit from falling out of the briefcase—trying to sell stocks and investments while his best friend is dying. I’m so thankful I’m not working.

  “You stopping by after work?”

  “Cate, what the fuck do you think? I should just move in with you.”

  “Hey, there’s plenty of room here.”

  “Yeah, I know. But I have a place of my own.”

  “Rent it out.”

  “Um, yeah, but what about after …” He trails off and we both fall silent. It’s a powerful moment. “I didn’t mean …” he starts.

  I blurt out, “You could stay with me for while. I may need you.”

  “You won’t.”

  “I won’t what?”

  “Want to stay there.”

  Oh shit. I never thought about it, but he’s right. There’s nothing that could make me stay here. This is … was … our place. This was supposed to be where we had kids.

  “I guess not. Need a roommate?”

  It’s another awkward moment. Then Ben fixes things.

  “I’ll see you shortly. Need me to bring dinner?”

  “Sure. Can you pick up Chinese? His favorite egg rolls and won ton soup?”

  “You bet. What about you?”

  “I’ll eat what he doesn’t.” His appetite has gone to nothing these days.

  Ben says he’ll see me in about an hour.

  Drew eats half an egg roll and half a cup of soup and I don’t eat much more. Ben tries to cheer up the house, but Drew falls asleep on us and it’s the two of us staring at each other, wet-eyed. The TV provides white noise as Ben and I stare ahead.

  “What do you think life will be like without him?” I ask.

  “Empty.”

  “Kinda like right now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “He always tells me he loves all the pieces of me with all the pieces of him. Why did all the pieces of him have to get sick? Why couldn’t one piece of him get sick? A piece that he didn’t need?”

  Ben scrubs his face. “I dunno, Cate. I wish I had an answer for you. But just for the record. I love all the pieces of him with all the pieces of me, too.”

  It’s only a short fifteen days later when Drew wakes me up in the middle of the night. That’s not quite accurate because I’m not really sure when the last time I truly fell asleep—and I’m talking deep sleep—was. I hover in that place somewhere between sleep and awake. Things have declined rapidly in the last couple of days. My head spins when I think about it.

  His voice rasps as he calls my name. “Cate?”

  I’m out of the bed saying, “What is it?”

  “I think it’s time. I want to go to the hospital.”

  The words I’ve dreaded for weeks punch me in the gut, deflating me. But I refuse to let him see it. “Yeah, okay. Let me get dressed.”

  “Cate? I think you need to call 911. I’m pretty sure I can’t get up to walk.” Yesterday was rough. He had a tough time standing at all. He inhales and it’s then I hear the faint rattle that lies deep in his chest. Oh, God, how will I ever get through this? As is Drew’s usual way, he talks me through it all, telling me everything will be fine. This, my Drew, comforting me, on his deathbed.

  The EMTs arrive and load him into the vehicle, and I follow behind in my car. I call his parents, Ben, my parents, and Jenna on the way. When we arrive at the hospital, I’m at his side, holding his hand and biting my knuckle as they wheel him in. Even though this journey has been long and filled with ups and downs and I’ve had time to prepare for this day, I’m not ready. At all. Letting go of this man will be next to impossible. I watched that movie where the mountain climber became trapped under a boulder and was forced to amputate his own arm. That’s how I feel right now. Losing Drew will be like cutting out my heart. I know—it’s cliché, but it’s true. Part of me will die with him. There’s no other way around it.

  Ben and Jenna arrive and we all hug and cry in the hall, and then all go in and hug Drew. Ben practically crawls in his bed. When his parents get here, we step out to give them time alone with their only son. When I think of what they must be going through, my dying heart hurts even worse. And Drew, knowing the man he is, must be trying to be brave for them. But at this point, in these final moments, there is no more he can do or say to boost their spirits. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around how all this could happen. No doubt they do too. My parents and siblings make an appearance, but my mom is worse off than me. I think she hates to see her daughter suffer. I don’t want Shannon and Eric to remember Drew like this, so I send them home after a brief visit.

  The day inches by. Ray and Letty take a break by going down to get some food. My parents leave and so does Jenna, promising to return that evening. Ben takes a bathroom break and says he’s going to grab some coffee. I ask him to bring me back a cup.

  “You need to eat, Cate.”

  “Not hungry, Ben.” He holds his hands up in the air, backing off. He knows not to push the food issue. We have this unspoken rule between us about these kinds of things. “I’ll be back in fifteen or twenty.”

  “No hurry.”

  It’s just the two of us now. I watch Drew as his chest moves up and down. His eyes flutter open and he motions me to his bedside. Then he starts talking and his voice is surprisingly strong. But the things he says plow into me like a fucking tank and I want to curl into him and die right with him. He tells me how he knew from the first moment he set eyes on me I was his and that he’s sorry it turned out this way. Gah, like this is all his fault! Then he tells me to go home.

  I nod and suck back my tears. “Okay. I’m going to go home and sh
ower, because I’m kind of rank. I love you too, Drew. More than I can say.”

  “Cate, stop. That’s not what I meant. I want you to promise me something, okay? Swear to me right now.” His voice is firm, much stronger than it has been in days.

  “Okay. What is it?”

  “I want you to leave this room now and go home, but I don’t want you to come back after you shower. I want you to say your goodbyes to me right here, right now.”

  “What!? What are you saying?” My heart stutters in my throat.

  “I’m saying what you think I’m saying. I love you so much more than having you sit here by my side for the next few days. I don’t want that. You swore to me, Cate.”

  “Drew, I can’t.” Tears stream unchecked down my cheeks, because I can’t let myself think of the inevitable. Drew is my life, my heart, my everything.

  “Yes, you can. Now, go. Turn around, walk through that door, and don’t ever look back. All my stuff is boxed exactly like I asked you to, and you know what to do with it. My parents and yours will be here, along with Ben. But you, you don’t need to be here. I don’t want you to be here. I want you to remember me as I was, when I was healthy, during our best times. Now, look at that door and take your first steps into your new life, Cate. And promise me you’ll live. Just live, Cate. Do it for me.”

  “You can’t mean this. Drew, I’m not walking away.” And instead of walking, I make a move to crawl in his bed.

  “Don’t, Cate. You’re making this harder for me. It’s … have you ever heard of stories where people can’t let go? That’s what you’re doing to me.”

  My hand flies over my mouth to cover the sob.

  “Please. For me. If there’s one thing left you can do for me, do this last thing.”

  I back away from his bed, looking at his murky eyes, no longer the crystal blue of his healthy days gone by, and I turn and run blindly from the room. I don’t know where I’m going, I just have to leave his room for a moment to think, to figure out if I can do what he’s asked. My eyes are so misted with tears, I’m blind, and as I turn the corner I crash head on into someone. Arms reach out to steady me and prevent me from slamming on my ass as my own arms windmill. I’m sure whoever I just careened into must think they’ve been attacked by a banshee, because I’m wailing, and look a mess, not to mention I smell like a skunk.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “Hell no,” I shake my head. My words come out choked through another sob. “No, I’m not okay,” I manage to say. Irrationality burns my gut. Isn’t it obvious? “Do I look like I’m okay?” I rub my eyes so I can get the buckets of water out to see.

  “Here. Come with me.”

  I don’t have a choice. Whoever this person is takes my arm and walks me somewhere. He opens a door and says, “Sit.” A handful of tissues magically appear in my hand. I blow my snot-filled nose and wipe my eyes again, but still I cry.

  I feel guilty at my earlier irritation. Someone is trying to be nice and I’m being a bitch.

  “I’m sorry. I … I … my husband is … he’s dying … and,” I sniff loudly, “he just told me he wants me to leave.”

  “Your husband?”

  I finally look at my savior. His lab coat screams “physician.” My eyes are cloudy with tears so I can’t really make out if he’s young, old, short or tall. I can’t seem to stop my heart from tearing into shreds.

  “Yeah. You may know him. Drew. Drew McKnight. He’s a fellow here.” I blow my nose into a clean tissue and add it to the wadded ball of used ones.

  “Ah. Yeah. I mean, I sort of know him but never got the chance to work with him. I’ve heard great things about him. And I’m terribly sorry.” He introduces himself, but I don’t catch his name. My brain is too much of a mess to take notice. “I’m also an oncology fellow. I’m a year ahead of your Drew.”

  “Look, sorry I dumped on you.”

  “Don’t be. Can I offer you some advice? The last days … he won’t know. He knows it, too. He’s trying to protect you. As hard as it is, that’s all he’s doing. Be with him if you want.”

  A giant breath gushes out of me. “Thank you. I need to go.”

  “Mrs. McKnight?”

  “Cate,” I say dabbing at my eyes.

  “What?”

  “My name. It’s Cate.”

  “Oh. Cate then. I’m on call and here tonight. If you need anything, tell the nurses to page Dr. Mercer. I’ll be here to help if you or Drew need me.”

  I take his hand. It’s comforting. “Thank you.”

  Swiping the tears off my face, I head back to Drew’s room. Ben is here and I motion him into the hall. When I tell him what Drew said, he looks embarrassed.

  “You knew, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, but he swore me not to tell you. I’m sorry Cate.”

  “Well, I just can’t do that. I can’t leave and never say goodbye.”

  “I told him that and I told him it wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you. But you know Drew. He’s always thinking of everyone else.”

  “I am going home to shower and then I’m coming back with my stuff to stay for however long. I ran into one of the oncologists who’s on call. He told me to stay.” I start to cry again. In a weepy voice I say, “He said Drew wouldn’t know if I’m here anyway.”

  Ben’s arms grab me and we both tremble as we cry. Then he asks, “Are you okay to drive?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Nothing but a few more tears.”

  “Text me as soon as you get home.”

  “I will.”

  It’s a quick turn around trip for me and I’m back at the hospital, but when I walk toward Drew’s room, I wonder if I should linger in the hall. I text Ben and he meets me right outside the room.

  “He knows you’re coming back. I told him it wasn’t fair to do that to you.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He told me I sucked in Drew-fashion.”

  That gets a smile out of us, albeit a small one. Ben and I get bed seats, and by that I mean in his bed. I lie next to him for most of the time, other than when I have to pee or get something to drink. Letty sits next to the bed in the recliner and holds his hand or touches him in some fashion, and Ray only looks on, disbelief etched on his features. I think he held out hope until the bitter end and now that it’s here, it’s too much for him to face.

  At ten, I get up and walk down to the cafeteria and grab a muffin and a coke. After I choke a quarter of the muffin down and sip the coke I’m flicking the crumbs around the table when a shadow crosses over me. I glance up and see that it’s the physician that helped me earlier. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I don’t even remember his name.

  “How’re you holding up?”

  “How does anyone ever hold up when the love of their life is dying at the age of twenty-nine?”

  “Probably as well as you are.”

  “Then not too good.”

  “It’s a shit hand of cards he was dealt, Cate.”

  “Yeah, it’s not fair. And all I keep asking myself is why can’t the bad people get shit like this? Drew never has a bad thing to say about anyone. He was always the good guy, you know?”

  “It’s what I’ve been told. Everyone says he’s the golden boy. Smart as hell and the greatest diagnostician. He was like a god around here. When he had the recurrence, everyone was just sick about it. Let me tell you, he had the best care, Cate. His case went all over the world. There wasn’t a stone left unturned.”

  I reach out and touch his hand. “Thank you for telling me this. We haven’t been here long enough to meet a lot of the other fellows, so I didn’t know. I appreciate that.”

  He digs in his pocket and pulls out a card. “Listen, if you need anything, just call. I’m out of here in about an hour. But the whole department is on this thing. You should know that. This has been really tough on Rosenberg. Everyone loves Drew.”

  I look at his card briefly and say, “Thanks. You’ve been very kind.” Then I gather up my crumbly
muffin and coke and head back to the room.

  Two days later, my Drew, my husband, the only man I’ve ever loved fades away as he takes his final breath, with me in the bed next to him, Ben holding one hand and Letty holding the other. It’s very peaceful—for Drew. For me, my world shatters into tiny pieces as all the pieces of Drew leave this world. All the pieces of me remain behind, broken and … alone.

  DREW’S FUNERAL TAKES PLACE ONE week before our first anniversary. Drew being Drew, left Ben explicit instructions on how he wanted things handled. So Ben took care of mostly everything. It was a good thing, too, because I was in a state of perpetual numbness. Ray and Letty handled the venue, choosing the same church Drew and I were married in.

  I am told later that people attended from his residency, his hockey team including Sam and Caroline, from his medical school class, and his fellowship program. I see none of them. The church is nothing but a blank slate, all I am is a huge empty space, and the place where my heart used to be is a black hole. I am hollow, vacant. The minister says some lovely things, but I don’t really follow. Ben sits on one side and Letty on the other. I squeeze both of their hands, just to make myself feel something, anything.

  The minister allows anyone to come up to the pulpit to say something about Drew, if they wish. I see many people step up and speak, but I hear nothing. Not until Ben. He has to untangle his fingers from mine when he walks up to take the microphone. His hands tremble as he digs into the pocket of his suit coat and pulls out his speech. Ben’s eulogy is the one I listen to and my heart latches onto it, hanging on every syllable.

  He starts when they met, in kindergarten, and progresses throughout their lives. But his delivery is priceless. It’s funny but punctuated with moments of love, not enough to bring everyone to sobs, only enough to get the points. It’s his story about Drew learning to ice skate that brings down the house.

  “So he says, ‘Dude, I’m serious. I’m going to learn this if it kills me.’ And you have to picture Drew—six feet three inches in one of those leotard outfits, right? So I say to him, ‘You do know you’ll be in recitals and stuff, right?’ And he says, ‘Yeah. Will you come watch?’ And he’s serious. So he goes at it like you’ve never seen. He comes home all bruised up and tells me about how he’s learning these Salchows and axels and is all geeked out about it. I’m talking Drew McKnight everyone. Figure skating! So he finally gets to the point where he has to perform all these jumps and things and he begs me to come watch. I’m his best friend. What am I going to say? So I head over to the ice rink and I see huge Drew in the midst of all these seven and eight year old girls in pink tutus. It would be like seeing The Rock taking ballet. No kidding. Each time he performs, or one of the little girls does something, they all high five or fist bump each other. And Drew is right in the middle of them. It was freaking hilarious. But I swear to god, that night, the man comes home, puts the figure skates in the closet, trades them out for a pair of blades and picks up hockey like he was born to play. And that was Drew McKnight.”