by Jillian Neal
“I was just thinking that same thing, Nat.”
“You think you smell good, too?” Her teasing smirk taunted his determination to let her come to him this time.
“I smell good because I spilled garlic sauce on my jeans and I have Jack on my shirt. You smell good just because you’re you.”
Heat took up residence in her cheeks. Instead of staring up at him any longer, her gaze transferred to the wood grain of the long bar top. “I’ve been riding all day. I probably smell like sweat and horse.”
“I don’t smell the horse.” Could she hear the hunger in his tone? Half of him prayed she could. The other was terrified she was going to bolt again if he didn’t leash his lust.
The blink of her long eyelashes timed the moments between them. Two deep breaths in, realization furrowed her brow.
His breath stalled.
“You know that thing I said I wanted to ask you?”
“No, because you won’t tell me.” Powerless to stop himself, he reached her face and traced the tense angles with his fingertips, desperate to ease their strain. He needed her to look him in the eye. He’d spent the last year learning the kaleidoscope of colors and the meanings of her gazes.
“You can say no, if you don’t want to do this.” Fear and challenge competed for dominance in her tone.
“I want to do most anything with you. You know that. Just ask me.” There was no way she was about to say what he’d been praying for a year to hear her say. If only he could convince his cock of that. Currently, it was going to bear the impression of metal teeth from the zipper of his jeans if he didn’t get his erection to cut him some slack. Thankful for the bar concealing his need for her, he managed to keep a scant amount of blood flowing to his brain. Enough to keep prompting her. “Come on, Nat. Don’t keep stuff from me. We’re friends.”
A harsh swallow contracted the long feminine column of her neck. “I know. That only makes this harder.”
Harder. Oh, she had no fucking clue how much harder he was feeling at the moment. “You look like you’re about to confess murder. Do I need to go find a shovel?”
“Pretty sure murder would be easier to confess.” Defeat robbed her words of any volume.
“You have a ton of land. We could bury whoever it is that pissed you off out there. No one would ever find them.”
“You’d actually help me hide bodies? I’m not sure if that’s really sweet or very disturbed.”
“Pretty sure it’s both, but the point was I’d do anything for you so talk.”
“I think… I’m kind of sure, actually.”
“Sure of what?”
“I don’t know how to do this.” Her voice faltered.
“Can’t be worse than murder, remember? Just keep going.”
“What would you say if I said I wanted to sleep with you?”
Alarm bells blared in Natalie’s head. No, wait. Aaron was ringing a bell. Panic swept through her. Fever shot through her veins and then burned in her cheeks. Oh my God. What had she just said?
“Last call,” his low bellow ripped through the partying crowd. The cowbell above the bar blared on as he rang it with far more determination than was necessary. Her heart pounded out a frantic SOS in her throat. It took entirely too long for her brain to get the message to her feet that she needed to run. Her boots were twisted around the bar stool. Untangling them served only to slow her down.
Aaron’s hand landed on her wrist, pressing it to the bar. Somehow, his grip never reminded her of what had happened before. Protectiveness radiated from his firm grasp. Possession resided in his fingertips, but it didn’t frighten her. She didn’t jerk away. If any of her brain actually worked, she would have hightailed it out of there, but for some unfathomable reason, she wanted to stay.
“Sorry, but you don’t get to say that to me and then run away. We’re gonna talk. Stay put.” The order reverberated through her bones. Her stomach dropped somewhere in the vicinity of her ankles. “You’ve had more than enough, Gus. Get on home. I’m not making you another drink,” Aaron made another command.
“What’s the point of last call if you ain’t gonna make me another?” Gus Peterson, a rancher from Ogallala, argued.
“The point is to get you the hell out of my bar. I’ve got things that need my attention. Go home.”
“Just what do you think you’re doing, son? It’s barely 11:30. Why’re you sending everyone home?” Ed Olsen’s eyes bugged out of his head. Natalie was certain he was seeing dollar signs, not people, walking out of Saddleback’s early.
“Don’t you fuss at him Edward Olsen or I’ll take my best frying skillet to your head. Now, Aaron probably has plans tonight, don’t you, darlin’?” Eliza came to his rescue. “Oh, Natalie, how are ya sweet girl? I ran into your mama at the Feed and Seed this morning, said you all had been working calves this week.”
“Uh…” The entire Sahara desert could not possibly have been more dry than her throat at that moment. The last words she’d spoken still haunted her. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Yeah, they’ve been working calves all day and then she was out riding. She’s worn out. You mind if I take her on home, Eliza?”
Well, wasn’t Aaron taking all kinds of advantage that evening? Natalie hated the spark of excitement that lit low in her belly. She hadn’t necessarily meant that night. She’d just meant maybe at some point in the future she might like to sleep with him if he wouldn’t hate it. Another round of panic quickly vanquished the thrill. She wasn’t mentally prepared for this to happen tonight.
“I wouldn’t mind at all. Ed and his big fat mouth can clean up tonight, can’t you Ed?”
“You ready to go, Nat?” Holly appeared at her side.
“I’ll bring her home. Tell Dec I said hi.” Once again Aaron directed everyone’s evening plans.
A broad grin climbed across her sister’s face. “I’ll tell him. You two have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“Which is what?” Thankful her voice had made a recovery, Natalie couldn’t resist the taunt. She clung to the normalcy of teasing her sister. Nothing else made any sense.
Aaron’s discreet chuckle gave her another shot of courage. “You definitely do not want her to enumerate that list. Come on. For once in my life, I’m getting out of here early.”
“Aaron.” The panic was still too easy to access. “I’m not sure I meant tonight. I’m not sure what I meant at all.” There. She’d said it.
“Yeah, that’s what we’re going to discuss.” He wrapped his arm over her shoulders and guided her outside. Weak against his steady strength she allowed her lungs to inhale the masculinity surrounding her. His heat permeated her side and in that exhilarating, terrifying moment she allowed herself to picture being in bed with him. His naked body pressed to hers. That hunger that consumed his eyes when he thought she wasn’t looking, apparent in his every move.
Her mind was restless and unsure, but her body was beyond certain what it wanted.
CHAPTER THREE
A cold slap of Nebraskan wind whipped Natalie’s long hair in front of her face and rushed the panic back to her mind. Wishing she’d worn her favorite cowgirl hat, she stumbled on the loose gravel parking lot. Aaron kept her upright, while she shoved the hair out of her eyes.
“Deep breaths for me, okay? I’d never do anything you didn’t want me to do.” The words somehow sounded rehearsed, like he’d been preparing to say them for weeks.
“I know.” That was one of the many reasons she’d asked him to do this for her. The way his T-shirts would occasionally swing to the side while he worked the beer taps and show off the chiseled pillows of his abs, his substantial shoulders that could easily have carried the weight of the world, and the low rasp of his voice all made the list as well. Guiding her to his old Chevy truck parked behind the bar, he opened the passenger side door.
“Hop on in. We’re just gonna talk. Then I’ll take you home.”
“And?” She had to know what to prepare hersel
f for. A knot of tension continued to expand in her stomach. It grew until she swore it reached her throat and robbed her lungs of air.
“Talk first.” He dominated all the spare room in the cab of the truck. The nearest city lights were two hours east but the moon offered enough light that evening for her to see. “Look at me, Nat.”
She lifted her eyes to his.
“Talk to me. You said you were sure. Does that mean you’ve been thinking about this for a while?”
“Yes…but if you don’t want to…”
“I want to. I want to more than you know. Trust me.”
“I do trust you. That’s why I asked you to help me.”
“You didn’t ask me to help you, sweetheart. You asked me to fuck you.”
“That’s the thing. Doing what you just said would be helping me, and I swear I won’t be one of those girls who gets all clingy and stupid. I won’t let anything ruin our friendship. It’s just I need to do this because…”
“Because why?”
“Because I’ve never.” She refused the words. Every muscle in her body tightened, bracing for impact she knew wasn’t coming.
“Damn.” His Adam’s apple contracted enticingly. How was it possible his neck was one of the sexiest things she’d ever seen? “You’ve never…? You’re a…? I mean, no one else has ever…?”
“I hate that word. Once you say it, people lose the ability to complete sentences, like I should be wearing one of those ridiculous prom queen sashes, Natalie the Virgin.” She made no effort to erase the accusation in her tone.
“Okay, sorry. I’m still processing all of this. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m honored you asked me, but can you tell me why you’ve never slept with anyone else?”
The adamant shake of her head brought on a full body shiver.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Aaron dug behind the bench seat and produced a Kansas City Chiefs sweatshirt. “I’d turn the truck on but the heater is shit, and I don’t want Ed to know we’re still here. He’d find something for me to do.” Before she could protest, he eased the sweatshirt over her head. Static clung to her hair drawing it out in long points from her head like antennas. The scent of pine trees and Aaron surrounded her. Every breath brought another round of him to her nostrils. Her shoulders dropped in relief and her jaw eased its fierce clench.
Chuckling, he ran his fingers through her hair and tucked it behind her shoulders. That motion alone flooded her entire body with heat. She wanted to beg him to continue. Maybe if he would just play with her hair long enough, she could relax and then he could do other things with his hands. She’d be so content it wouldn’t bring back any memories she wished she could sever from her life with a blade.
“I know something happened to you, Nat. If you scoot any further away from me right now just talking about having sex, you’ll be sitting out in the parking lot. I need to know if there are things you don’t want me to do. I will not let what happened to us last year happen again. I refuse. I have to make sure I never do anything that scares you again.”
“Nothing happened to me, and I’m not scared of you. I just almost always fuck everything up.” Self-hatred filled her. How could she lie to him? She couldn’t look him in the eye.
If she’d backhanded him, it would have hurt less than her lying to him. “Jesus, Nat, just tell me you don’t want to talk about it. Don’t lie to me.”
Low-level rage ate at the ease he was trying desperately to portray. Wherever the bastard was that had done this to her, that had scared her like this, that had taken something she wasn’t willing to give, needed to be on high alert. If Aaron found him, his fist would be the last thing the motherfucker ever felt.
Confessing her virginity and asking him to be her first already had him on a knife’s edge of arousal. Whatever had happened to her, he had to know so he didn’t fuck this up epically. He’d already done that once. He had to take this slowly, but his overly anxious cock was still hung on the fact that she was a virgin and he was her choice.
Shaking off that information, he reminded Aaron Jr. of the way she’d looked at him that night a year ago, so frightened she’d gotten in her truck and had flown back to the ranch. She’d refused to leave for almost a month. If they were going to do this, they had to take this slowly, painfully slowly. His eager eyes watched her shake the horseshoe charm on the delicate necklace she almost always wore back and forth, a sure sign of her nerves. Her bottom lip slipped through her teeth as he reached a negotiation with his body. He would take this slowly just as fast as he possibly could.
“Fine, I don’t want to talk to about it.”
“So, something did happen to you?”
“Kind of.”
“Kind of is a yes and nothing is going to happen between us until you tell me more. I’m not going to risk frightening you again. Believe me, I’ve seen a lot of shit in this world. I’ve survived a lot of shit. I can take it. You ever think telling someone about it might help?”
“You sound like Dec and Holly.”
“Well, they are psychologists. I’ve been seeing Dec for a long time. They know what they’re talking about.”
“I spent years seeing a therapist, too. I went when I was younger. I’m so sick of Holly and Dec and everyone trying to fix me. I don’t want that anymore. I just want to sleep with you.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that.”
“You said you wanted to.” Desperation perforated her tone.
“Do you seriously think since I’m not throwing you in the bed of my truck and being done with it all tonight means I don’t want to?”
“I don’t know.” She erupted. “I don’t know anything. I don’t know why we’re here talking. I don’t know what you’re thinking. I don’t know why I even asked you. I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know why I acted the way I acted last year. I hate myself for that. The only thing I know is that I do not want to talk about that. I need it not to have any part of whatever is or isn’t going to happen between us.”
“Never hate yourself for anything, especially not for being afraid. I pushed too hard last year. It was my fault.”
“None of it was your fault. I freaked out and refused to talk to you. I was once again a tremendous bitch because of…” Her jaw clamped shut once again.
“You were not a bitch. Never say that again. I of all people get the shitstorm that comes when your past decides to override your future.”
“I know you do. That’s part of why I thought maybe we could try again.”
“I need to know more than you’re a virgin and you want me to sleep with you, Nat. I need some information between those two things. Have you ever kissed anyone besides me?”
“Yes, but not since I kissed you, and not all that often before you either. It makes me nervous.”
He called himself a rat bastard for the possession that coursed through him. She was his, and he was finally going to get the chance to prove that to her. That fact made him ache.
“That’s what I need to know. When do you get nervous?”
“Do we have to do this?”
“Yeah, we do. Just hang with me a little while longer then we can talk about anything else you want.” Racking his brain, he tried to remember exactly what they’d been doing when she’d leapt up off of his sofa and made up an excuse to go home. “You know what the bases represent?”
“I have three older brothers.” She managed her customary eye roll.
“Yeah, I figured you did. Let’s go with that.” Bile crawled up his throat from the thought of some asshole having his hands on her, but he had to know. “Any man ever gotten to second base?” His gaze zeroed in on her slight cleavage. His palms itched to explore the tender swells of her breasts, to feel her nipples pebble and press against his exploring hands. That was what had been on his mind the night she’d fled.
“Define man,” she sighed.
Holy fuck. “Do I get to ask what that means?”
“Barrett Peters and I went out for a
few months when we were nineteen. Not sure he’ll ever qualify as a man, though. He still lives with his parents and last time I saw him he was getting money from his mama for a slushy at the rodeo.”
Is he who I need to maim? Aaron longed to ask but he wouldn’t push her. Pushing made her disappear and he wasn’t certain he could live with himself if he caused that again. “If you don’t think he’s anything more than a mama’s boy, why’d you date him?”
“He was safe.” Her lips folded under the pressure of her teeth as soon as those three words made their escape.
“Safe because you weren’t actually attracted to him or safe because he’s weak?” Was she protecting her heart or her body? He had to know.
“Barrett has nothing to do with what I’m asking you to do.” The girl had always dodged like a pro. No more. He’d lean harder on the skills he’d acquired for getting information out of people.
“So, both then?”
Leveling a moonlit glare on him, she sighed. “He was like dating instant mashed potatoes.”
“Tasteless, boring, and no one would notice if they got up and walked off your supper plate.”
“Basically.”
“How old were you when whatever happened, happened? If you won’t tell me what it is at least tell me when.”
Pain broadcast from every beautiful curve of her body. Her eyes hollowed. The flecks of gold he could make sparkle with a joke or a flirty smile disappeared entirely. “It stopped happening a week before my twelfth birthday.”
“My God, Nat. Twelve? Is this guy still breathing? Because I’m gonna burn for all the shit I’ve already done. I’ve got no issue adding another name to the list.”
“Yet another reason we are not having this conversation, and you are not.”
Unmitigated fury shot through Aaron’s musculature. What kind of sick bastard would…? No, he couldn’t go there. Not right now. Later. When he’d gotten her through this portion of life she’d completely missed out on. And he would. He was going to be the one to make certain she was worshipped head to toe and back again. He’d show her how fucking desirable she was, what she did to him. He’d do his damnedest to erase every terrorizing memory. He’d make certain she felt no shame.