by Jillian Neal
Two things were painfully obvious, even if she was still concealing most everything he needed to know. She was attracted to him and she sure as hell didn’t think he was weak. His ego stirred right along with his cock.
He’d wondered for years why he was even still here. There were days and weeks when he had no desire to take up space or to continue drawing breath. He’d seen no point. Somehow, he’d managed to come through that hell. Maybe being a man for Natalie Camden, being the one who bridged the gap between the harrowing land of fear where she existed to the sanctuary of his arms and the carnal knowledge, he could give her was his purpose. Maybe this was his chance to prove he wasn’t a weak bastard that couldn’t deal with what he’d been through.
All he knew was no one would ever be allowed to hurt her ever again.
An idea sprang to his mind. “Hey, okay, how about this? Where in the baseball diamond do you get the most afraid? Is it second base?”
“Not exactly there. I don’t know. I don’t have much experience, like I said. I guess somewhere between second and third scares me most.”
Not better. Not better at all.
“So, do you think we could have sex without that? Maybe that would work.” Hope lilted in her voice and shattered the remnants of his heart.
“If we’re going to have sex, Nat, we’re going through all the bases, including shortstop, until you’re not afraid anymore, which is precisely why we won’t be doing this any time soon. I know you hate the word or whatever, but you are a virgin, so those steps are extremely important. I will not hurt you.”
“Had a feeling you were gonna say that.”
“Look at me.” She lifted her eyes to his once again. “I can make this so good for you. I can show you what it’s like to come undone, to let everything go. I want to help you work though what happened, but not until you tell me what that was. And this is not going to be a one-time deal. I’m not bedding you and walking away. We’re together. We’re going to actually date this time. Couple-shit like movies, and rodeos, and the county fair, hanging out at King’s Creek. That sound okay to you?”
“You really want to date me again? I was a disaster last time.”
“Nothing wrong with a do-over, babe. I’ve wanted you since I first laid eyes on you. If I get the chance to date you again, I’m sure as hell going for it.”
“I liked dating you, if that’s what we were doing. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just…felt safe with you, until…”
“Until I fucked everything up.”
“You didn’t. You never did anything you shouldn’t have done.”
“I did, and I’m going to do right by you this time.”
“You never made a single mistake when you were with me. I got scared. It had nothing to do with you.”
“If I’m the guy lucky enough to get to take you to bed, it has everything to do with me. I will not mess this up again. You’re sure you want to do this with me?”
“I think so.”
“I need you to be sure. We both know I’m sure as hell not a saint.”
“If I get scared, will you stop whatever we’re doing?”
“Of course.” He tried not to be offended but truthfully he was. “I would never force anything on you.”
“If I tell you not to stop even though I’m scared, will you keep going? I’m pretty sure I’m just going to need you to keep going.”
“Babe, I can’t do that. Nothing is going to happen until I know you’re not scared of me.”
“I’m not scared of you, but what if I don’t know how to not be scared of this? When I was a little girl, nothing scared me. I could outride all of my brothers. I could go faster, jump higher, do it all. The more dangerous it was the more I wanted to try it. But after all that stuff I was scared of everything. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to feel brave again.”
Gutted. He was absolutely gutted. He’d held kids in his arms trying to save them from road side bombs. He’d buried men who were like brothers to him. Thinking about Natalie being afraid tore him apart. “Sweetheart, you’re about the bravest woman I’ve ever met. Doing this with me is pretty fucking brave. We’re going to figure everything out.” And then I’m going to hunt down the bastard that hurt you and end him.
“Since I’ve already completely made a fool of myself and I’d like to get all of the talking about this over with, can I ask one more favor?”
“You can ask me anything you want anytime. In fact, as soon as I know you’re ready, I intend to have you begging for things from me every single time I take you to bed. Get used to it.”
Another eye roll. Aaron fought the smirk taunting his own lips.
“I will not be begging for anything ever,” she informed him.
Not only did the smirk escape but it was followed by a chuckle. “So much to teach you. You’ll beg for me, babe, I’ll make sure of it. But what did you want to ask?”
“I don’t just want to have the regular sex kind of sex. Maybe. Kind of. I don’t know, but I think I don’t only want that.”
God, she was so damn sweet and innocent. He had no clue how he’d managed to be lucky enough to get this opportunity, but life had fucked him over on the regular for the last several years. She needed him and he desperately needed her.
“What exactly is irregular sex, Nat? Be specific.”
“No.”
“So, I just get to guess then? What happens if my definition is significantly dirtier than yours?”
“I’m sure yours is dirtier than mine, since I have no clue what I’m doing. I just want you to show me…I don’t know what exactly.”
Frustration tensed his jaw. Take it slow, Weber. Man the fuck up. This is part of the deal. Reviewing every ounce of knowledge Natalie had provided him throughout their friendship, he took a well-educated guess. “Does it go something like you want to know what it might be like to experience all of the stuff your sister and sisters-in-laws run their mouths about every time they come into the bar?”
“Yes.”
His mind scrambled. What if this was somehow one of those damned dreams that would haunt him for the rest of his life? Natalie asking him to kink it up with her after popping her cherry couldn’t possibly be a reality. He just wasn’t that lucky. Life didn’t like him that much.
Three deep breaths. He counted backward from twenty.
“Aaron?” Natalie’s hesitant touch on his knuckles finally grounded him. His cock throbbed out a desperate pulse. My God, this was real. “Do you not want to do that stuff with me?”
“Jesus, Nat, I want to do every single thing you want me to do and probably a dozen more you’re too sweet to even know about. I just can’t go there right now. We have to take this slow, sweetheart. I have to do things in order. If I get carried away, I’ll scare you again.”
Her bottom lip slipped through her teeth and another harsh swallow drew his gaze to the tender skin on her neck. A flood of saliva filled his mouth. He was so thirsty for her. Fear and hope fought for placement in her eyes. Turning his palm up, he took her hand. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, say it.”
“Sometimes when I’m alone and I can push the stupid memories away, I like to think about what it would be like if we got carried away.”
A low, rumbled groan thundered from his chest without his explicit permission. Her eyes widened and those perfect heart-shaped lips opened a half-inch. He searched her expression for any sign of fear and came up empty. Intrigue and desire paraded through her eyes. Her chest lifted and fell with her rapid breaths. Fucking hell. She was going to kill him.
“You think about me when you’re alone? Think about what it would be like to be with me? Tell me,” he demanded.
A single nod and then her arms crossed over her chest. Cool air swept in and erased the warmth her hand had brought to his as soon as she jerked away. In his former life, he was a highly-skilled intelligence officer. He could read body language with more ease than most people read stop signs. He was treading on thin
ice and he knew it. The warning flags were all there. She was going to run. His jaw clamped in a futile attempt to dam back the words, “When you’re thinking about me when you’re alone, baby, are you touching yourself?”
“Just take me home.” If she’d carved the word yes in the hood of his truck the answer couldn’t have been any clearer. Another hungry throb of his cock made him long to show her just what she did to him.
“I swear I will in just a sec. Look at me again.”
“No.” She turned her entire body toward the door.
“Fine, but know this, every single time I’ve jacked off in the last year, it’s always you I’m thinking about fucking, you who’s underneath me staring up at me while I take you over and over again, and you who’s begging me for more.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Agitation continued to tick through Aaron’s blood, running hot and fast, while he paced outside Pleasant Glen’s own mental health clinic the next morning. Dammit, where was Dec? The clinic was supposed to open in fifteen minutes. His frantic pulse kept the time.
Saddleback’s opened at eleven, and he was working the early shift. He had shit to do before he had to clock in. Namely, taking the information he was determined to get out of Dec and figuring out exactly what to do next.
His fingers twitched. His bottom lip longed for the comforting weight of a wad of tobacco. He’d given it up and started back a half-dozen times. Natalie frequently commented on how much she hated the practice. It was time to quit for good.
Opening his mouth wide, trying to pop the tension out of his jaw, Aaron continued stirring the gravel between his truck and the front door with his work boots. He checked his watch again and decided to go on with the next item on his list.
Bringing his cell phone to his ear, he kept watch on the empty parking lot and the passing car on the single road that ran through Pleasant Glen.
“Triple A. ’Bout damn time I heard from you. To what do I owe the honor, Sarg?”
A broad grin spread across Aaron’s features against his will. “I’m not your sergeant anymore, and sorry, I should’ve come out there last week. Just been busy lately.”
“How goes the mixing of drinks in that half-a-map-dot town?”
“Lay off the Glen, T. You can’t judge the whole place on the one crazy-ass cowgirl you picked up last time you were out here.”
“Dude, she was coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. Still texts me every few weeks wanting to know the status of our non-relationship.”
“I told you not to take her home. You didn’t listen.”
“Yeah, well, I’m listening now, and you sound determined to either fix something or fuck it up. How can I help?”
Aaron knew he would never deserve the kind of brotherhood he had with T-Byrd or Voodoo or any of the remaining members of his team. Something about walking slowly straight through hell together cemented the men who’d survived it. “How’s business? You still doing your thing?”
“I’m offended.”
“Why? There cannot possibly be that many people in Lincoln who hire four dim-witted, ex-army show-offs to figure out if their wife is cheating on them.”
“The agency does more than track down cheating spouses, and you know it. Last four jobs we’ve taken were security details. Two of ’em for gorgeous women who needed to be kept safe.”
“Oh, I bet you did a whole helluva lot more than keep them safe.”
There was far too much pride in T-Byrd’s laughter. “Can’t discuss cases outside the agency. However, my job offer still stands.”
“No thanks. I have no interest in any job that requires me to wear my name on a chain or constantly be looking over my shoulder for a living ever again, but I do need to know where someone is.”
“You got a name?”
“Not yet.”
“Male, female?”
“Male.”
“Description?”
“I doubt I get more than a name, but I’ll have it soon.”
“Even I’m not that good, Triple A, and I’m the best.”
“I’ll have you a name this afternoon. What else do you need?”
“When I find this guy what are you going to do to him?”
“Depends on what I find out about him.”
“Interesting.”
“How long will this take?”
“To make sure we have the right person, I’m going to need more than a name. You have a last known whereabouts?” T quizzed.
“Where the hell did you learn to talk like a cop?”
“Here, moron.”
“I’ll get you all the information I can, but it may take me a little time if my first source isn’t willing.”
“You never had trouble getting people to talk. You always knew how to apply just the right amount of pressure, if memory serves. That’s yet another reason I want to hire you.”
“Yeah, well this is different.”
“Different how?”
The roar of Dec’s Harley announced his arrival. “Gotta go.”
“That kind of different then.”
“Bye, T.”
“Later.”
“’Bout damn time,” Aaron spat under his breath as Dec slung his leg over the bike.
“Holly will be terribly pleased you’re here early this morning.” Dec chuckled as he unlocked the front door.
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“Because I’m assuming you’re here to discuss Natalie, which will delight my wife.”
“Yeah, her and a few other things.”
“Am I allowed a mere moment to put my things up and pull your file or are we going to have this session in the waiting room?” The smirk on the doc’s face fed the ire in Aaron’s blood.
Narrowing his eyes, he saw no reason not to be more than forthright. He always had been before. “Last night, when I dropped her off, she worked up the courage to kiss me on the cheek. That was it. I nearly came in my shorts.”
“You know, I married the woman who has that effect on me.”
“You and I both know no one in their right mind wants to be married to me, but trust me when I say, I’m more than anxious to talk to you. We can do it wherever you want, but we’re talking now.”
“Understood.” After stowing a few files, Dec opened his office door and gestured Aaron inside.
Too antsy to sit, Aaron avoided his normal spot on the couch and continued to pace. “Tell me exactly what happened to her when she was a little girl. I know you know.” Not generally the best way to gain actionable intelligence, but he had a plan. Keeping his eyes trained on Dec he watched every twitch the doctor made. Three to five that was all it took. He’d have to come up with his next move on the fly, but what he found out in the next three to five seconds would tell him exactly which way to go.
“Have a seat, Aaron.”
A non-answer always held far more information than the informant intended. Switching to peripheral questions was the safest move. He’d get back to his goal when he had Dec more distracted.
“Fuck. So, it’s that bad then?” Every muscle in both his arms and chest tensed in anticipation. He took his seat. If that was the prerequisite for figuring out who’d hurt Natalie, he’d deal.
“I didn’t say that and I cannot tell you what happened to Natalie.”
“Yeah, I get that. I just can’t stand to think that someone who hurt her is out there possibly hurting other people.” He leaned in driving home his point. Concern he hadn’t had to force perforated his tone. Guilt was always the easiest emotion to manipulate in an informant.
“Aaron, if you’ll sit back and look at the degrees hanging behind my desk you might remember that I am a psychologist. Now, I doubt I have even half the training you do in reading people and gaining information, but I do know what you’re after. If you want to know what happened to Natalie, she’s going to have to be the one who tells you, just like I would never tell her the things you and I have discussed.”
Undeterred, Aaron shifted in his seat
, relaxed his shoulders, and casually crossed his legs. He needed Dec to be more comfortable with him. “So, Natalie has talked to you as a patient?”
“I’m going to ask that you stop making assumptions now.”
“I’m not assuming anything. Seems to me we’re both on the same team of keeping Natalie safe. You’d go crazy if someone had hurt Holly when she was barely more than a baby.” Feed them a lie and let them correct you. Almost always worked, psych degrees or not.
“She was a few years older than a baby,” Dec slipped. “And yes, I suppose I would. I get where you’re coming from.”
Standing in her pajama pants, her favorite torn T-shirt that informed everyone to Buck Off, and an old pair of Luke’s rubber boots, Natalie dumped another bucket of water from the lake into the stock tank. Sundance whinnied her approval. “There you go, girl.” Natalie ran her hand down her horse’s neck.
“Nice of you to dress for work, Nat,” her brother Austin chuckled when he entered the paddock.
“Shut up, Austin. I’m tired.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet since Aaron Weber’s truck didn’t drive through the gates ’til midnight,” Luke tried for a friendly tenor but missed the mark.
“Why is it all of you feel the need to keep tabs on where I am and who I’m with all the time?” Focusing on Sundance, she refused to watch the hesitant glance her brothers always shared when she asked something like that. She already knew the reason they were more protective of her than they’d ever been with Holly.
“Because you’re our baby sister. It’s our job to look after you,” Grant huffed as he slung his saddle off of the shelf in the barn.
“I thought you liked Aaron,” Natalie tried a different angle to get her brothers off her back. It had taken every ounce of courage she’d ever hoped to have to survive that conversation in Aaron’s truck. The last thing she needed was her stupid brothers trying to scare him off now.
“I like him just fine as a bartender and as a friend, not so sure I like the idea of him as your boyfriend,” Austin explained.