Finding Isadora

by Fox, Susan

  “So, Izzie,” Jimmy Lee said, “maybe you knew what you were doing after all, hooking up with Richard.”

  “I…” I swallowed hard, feeling the burn of unshed tears. It was hardly the moment to spread the news of our breakup, and yet this conversation was getting increasingly awkward. And deceptive. I was too exhausted to carry on the pretense any longer. Besides, they’d all know sooner or later. So I cleared my throat and said softly, “Richard and I aren’t … a couple any longer. We’re—I hope we’re going to be—friends.”

  All action ceased momentarily, except for Alyssa flicking her earrings with her fingertips. I didn’t look at Gabriel, but I felt the tension level in the room rise.

  “Oh, yeah?” Jimmy Lee said disbelievingly. “How come?”

  “Uh…” How to explain it, with Gabriel only a few feet away? I shrugged helplessly.

  “This isn’t the right time, Jimmy Lee,” Grace said quietly.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah. Guess not.” He came over to peer into my eyes. “You okay, Izzie?”

  “I’m okay.” I met his gaze, letting him see everything. My hurt and disappointment, my fear, but also the certainty I was doing the right thing.

  He rested a hand on my shoulder, and his touch made the tears rise again. I patted his hand, murmured, “Not now,” and hurried over to the fridge. “I’ll start the salad.” Flinging the door open, I took refuge behind the heavy door and let the chill air cool my flushed cheeks.

  When I’d gathered the ingredients and emerged from the fridge, Gabriel and Jimmy Lee had retreated to the living room. I rinsed a head of romaine and gave it to Alyssa to tear into the salad bowl, then began to slice raw vegetables.

  “Are you really okay, hon?” Grace asked me softly, hugging my shoulders.

  It was too much. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. For a moment, just a moment, I put my head on my mother’s shoulder and let myself cry.

  A warm little hand crept into mine and tugged on it. “Izzie? Did you and your boyfriend break up?” Alyssa’s voice was full of concern.

  I swiped my hands under my eyes and flicked away the tears, then knelt down. “Yes, we did, Alyssa. But it’s okay. I thought we belonged together, but we really don’t.”

  The girl nodded. “That’s what Mommy says about my father. I guess it’s hard, being a grownup.”

  “Sometimes it is. But having friends like you helps.” And it was true. The smile I gave her was genuine, and my tears retreated.

  When we all got back to work, Grace whispered to me, “I’m so sorry, hon. Now I know why you wanted some family time. I promise we’ll find an opportunity to really talk.”

  “Just being around you and Jimmy Lee and Alyssa helps,” I said, slicing into a tomato. “I thought I wanted a long teary conversation, but this is better. I’ve had enough tears to last me for a while.”

  “You should have called.”

  “It felt disloyal to tell anyone else, before Richard. We only talked about it last night.”

  “It was your decision then.” Grace nodded, as if she’d guessed that. “Not that it makes things any easier. Poor baby.” She gave me a brisk pat on the back. “Get slicing, or we’ll never eat.”

  When I obeyed, she added softly, “For what it’s worth, I think you made a wise decision. Richard may be a great guy, but I just didn’t see the two of you as a couple. Or think you had that special spark.”

  Spark. I glanced into the living room at the same moment Gabriel looked my way. Any more spark, and the air might spontaneously combust. Hurriedly, I looked down again, just in time to avoid slicing off my thumb.

  Fortunately, Grace had moved to the stove to grasp the heavy pot of pasta. She drained the rigatoni, tossed it into a casserole dish along with the creamy cheese sauce, topped it with toasted bread crumbs, and put the dish in the oven. “You don’t need to bake it,” she told Alyssa, “because all the ingredients are already cooked. But I like giving it fifteen minutes so the flavors come together.”

  Alyssa nodded. “The lettuce is done. Maybe I should start my homework? Then we can go see my mommy after supper?”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  After the girl had hurried off, Grace said, “Darn, I’d forgotten we’d promised to take her to the hospital. And Gabriel wants to talk to us, too. Isadora, I’m not sure—”

  “It’s okay, honestly. I’m already feeling a lot better. We’ll talk on the weekend, when things aren’t so rushed.”

  She nodded, then said, “Do you think you and Richard can stay friends?”

  “I sure hope so. I do love him.”

  My mother studied my face. “How’s he doing?”

  “He’s mad. Hurt. Confused. He doesn’t believe in that spark you’re so keen on.”

  “Hmm. One day he’ll experience it, then he’ll believe. Who knows, maybe now that he’s interested in that boy, he’ll get involved with the mother.”

  I suppressed a twinge of unwarranted jealousy. “Caroline? I don’t think so, though apparently she does share his fondness for hockey. Or at least pretends to. No, I see Richard with another lawyer.”

  “Yeah, there’s a lot to be said for sharing work and other interests. But then there’s more opportunity for discussion, stimulation, learning, when you have different ideas and interests. Guess the really important thing is sharing basic values, and truly loving each other.” She winked at me. “And spark.”

  She went to the fridge and rummaged inside. “Give him my best wishes when you talk to him. What he’s doing is admirable. Looks like he has some of his father in him after all.”

  If Gabriel really was his father.

  I glanced through to the living room where my dad and Gabriel seemed to be arguing. And again it was as if Gabriel sensed my attention. He turned his head, met my gaze, and held it for a long moment before turning back to Jimmy Lee. I shivered.

  To Grace I said, “Gabriel is more than Jimmy Lee’s lawyer. He’s become your friend.”

  My mother, who was mixing up salad dressing, nodded. “I feel like we’ve known him for years.”

  “It’s strange you didn’t get to know each other before. You’re involved in the same type of causes, and he even acted as Jimmy Lee’s lawyer before.”

  Grace shrugged. “People come into your life when the time is right.”

  I drew in a shaky breath. Had the time been right for Gabriel DeLuca to come into my life?

  Maybe so. He’d been the catalyst that had made me realize something significant was missing in my relationship with Richard. He’d even gotten me reexamining my priorities, and choosing to volunteer my time for a good cause.

  I liked him. I respected him. I wanted him in my life. But only as a friend. I’d thought Richard was my perfect match and been proven wrong, so it would be sheer idiocy to enter into a relationship with a man who I knew was wrong for me from the beginning. Besides, it would shatter Richard if his father and I… What? Did I have the guts to finish the thought?

  If his father and I had sex, and he found out.

  With Gabriel, it could never be more than having sex, because the man refused to let himself love. And for me, there was no point to a relationship without love.

  But was it possible to achieve a friendship with Gabriel, when the man’s mere presence made my nerve endings sizzle?

  I glanced at Grace, who was vigorously shaking the bottle of home-made dressing. Could I talk to her about this? Was there any hope she’d understand, when the two of us had such different perspectives on morality? No, she’d just say “go for it.”

  I reached into the fridge, grabbed a beer, and held the can to one cheek, then the other.

  That was how Gabriel and Jimmy Lee found me when they came into the kitchen. Hurriedly I lowered the can, opened it, and took a slug, only belatedly becoming aware Gabriel seemed as tense as I felt.

  “Jimmy Lee says to wait,” Gabriel said, “but we have to talk. That’s why I came over.”

  Grace swung away from th
e stove. “I thought Jimmy Lee invited you for dinner.”

  “I called him at work all afternoon and didn’t want to leave a message. The last time, someone said he’d already headed home. So I came over and caught up as he was walking from the bus stop.” He glanced at me. “This is between your parents and me. Want to go keep Alyssa occupied?”

  Jimmy Lee shook his head. “I have no secrets from Izzie. If this is about the case, I want her to hear it.”

  “Fine.” Gabriel’s expression was tense, almost angry. “Tell me about the draft office you burned.”

  “Fuck!” Jimmy Lee said, at the same moment Grace said, “Shit!”

  A beat later, I demanded, “What?” I stared between my parents and Gabriel.

  “I wondered why the police weren’t interested in investigating Cosmystiques for the arson. Finally pulled some strings and found out a cop called Torrance has it in for you. Know that name, Jimmy Lee?”

  My father looked wary. “Guess I got in his face a time or two.”

  “You got the best of him in a scuffle, and it was in front of a television camera. Big macho dude’s reputation got injured, and he’s had it in for you ever since. Been checking you out for over a year now. Through formal channels, and informal. Found out about a draft office that got torched the night before you disappeared from the States.”

  “I wasn’t charged,” Jimmy Lee said.

  He didn’t deny setting the fire? He’d actually done it?

  “You weren’t charged because they couldn’t find you,” Gabriel shot back. “You’d skipped the country.”

  Finally, I found my voice again. “You burned a draft office?” I glared at my father.

  “We did,” Grace said quietly, firmly.

  “Oh, shit!” I said, and heard Gabriel groan.

  “It was an immoral war,” my mother said.

  “Yeah,” Gabriel said, “it was. But the point right now is, you were suspects and you fucking lied to me about it. Both of you did.”

  They’d fucking lied to me, too—at least by omission—and it hurt. Whatever their flaws, I’d thought I could trust my parents.

  “I didn’t,” Grace protested. “I said neither of us had been charged with arson before.”

  Damn. I remembered that moment. I’d noticed at the time that she’d paused before answering Gabriel’s question. Knowing Grace, I should have been suspicious right then.

  “Splitting hairs.” Gabriel turned his glare from her to my father. “What’s your excuse?”

  “Same thing. For a lawyer, you should learn to listen more closely. Besides, we figured we couldn’t still be on record anywhere or we wouldn’t have been granted Canadian citizenship.”

  “Fuck! You’re my client. I thought you trusted me. How can I defend you if I don’t know the whole truth? There may not be any official records any more, but Torrance tracked down someone who still remembered the story.”

  As they spoke, another horror had dawned on me. Fearful of the answer, but needing to know, I said, “Was anyone hurt when the draft office burned?”

  The three of them turned to me. Grace put her arm around me but I shrugged it off. “No, hon,” she said, “no-one was hurt. We were careful, made sure everyone had gone for the day.”

  “The person who burned Cosmystiques probably thought everyone had gone for the day,” I said bitterly.

  “I didn’t do it!” Jimmy Lee was in my face. “Christ, Izzie, I wouldn’t lie about that.”

  “You lied about the draft office!”

  He shook his head. “We just didn’t tell you. Or anyone else. It was our last gesture, when we knew we were splitting for Canada.”

  It was my turn to get in his face. “So you hair-split with Gabriel and you just don’t tell me! Say it now, Jimmy Lee, say it straight out. Say ‘I had absolutely nothing to do with the fire at the Cosmystiques lab.’ Say it to me, and to Gabriel. And when you’re done, I want Grace to say it too.”

  Grace stepped over to link her arm through my father’s. “We’ll both say it, Isadora, and it will be the truth.”

  They did, and I studied their faces, and suddenly the three of us were all in each other’s arms, damp-eyed. I loved them so much, and I was scared for Jimmy Lee. When we finished hugging, we turned to Gabriel. “How badly does this hurt his case?” I asked.

  “There were no charges laid, and there’s no official record. But it means I can’t put Jimmy Lee on the stand to testify on his own behalf.”

  “Shit,” Jimmy Lee said. “Because they’d ask me about the draft office.”

  “I’d argue it was inadmissible, but I could lose. And you will not lie on the stand. Nor will Grace, so I’m not sure I’ll even be able to put her up there as an alibi witness. Thank god we didn’t elect jury trial. If neither of you took the stand, a jury’d be likely to convict.”

  “Damn it, Jimmy Lee.” I glared at him, tears of worry and frustration rising and threatening to spill over.

  A hand touched my shoulder gently. Gabriel’s hand, resting there as if to comfort me. “Easy, Isadora. Yes, your parents broke the law, but their motives were good. People had to protest that war. Besides, we all do things when we’re young that come back to haunt us.”

  Blinking back tears, I said, “Not arson. I mean, it was one thing to use drugs and participate in demonstrations, but arson’s a crime.” Seeing him through a damp haze, I said, “You’re defending them, Gabriel. Tell me, did you ever do anything so bad?”

  He froze and his hand tightened its grip, then he pulled it away. “Our best strategy now,” he said tightly, “is to figure out who really burned the lab, and get hard evidence to present to the police.”

  Barely listening, I wondered about his own past. He hadn’t answered my question. If he was anything like my parents—and I already knew that, in many ways, he was—that meant he had committed a criminal act. But how could he have been called to the Bar? Unless, like Jimmy Lee, he’d never been caught.

  Studying his face, I wanted to believe that, whatever he’d done, it had been for a good reason.

  Then I glanced at my parents, who were standing with their arms around each other. Who was I to judge them? Yes, they’d burned a draft office. In a gesture of protest against a war that was the height of immorality. A war that cost thousands of young people their lives. Gabriel was right. How could you not protest something like that? I took a step toward them.

  Jimmy Lee, without interrupting what he was saying to Gabriel, reached out an arm and hooked it around me, pulling me close.

  Snuggled close to my father, I tuned back in to the conversation and realized they were talking about the lighter that had been found at the Cosmystiques site. It seemed Gabriel had checked with an engraving shop, and they’d said it wasn’t a professional job.

  “So,” Gabriel said, “know anyone who’s got a home engraving kit?”

  “Sandor Kaminski is into carpentry,” Jimmy Lee said reluctantly. “He has a workshop in his basement. But he’s a good guy. He’d never do this.”

  “And Lara Martinelli’s teenage girl is keen on that kind of thing,” Grace said. “She’s always boasting about how skilled Lisa is. But I can’t see the Martinellis being involved in this.”

  “I thought you were working on the theory that Cosmystiques burned their own lab,” I protested.

  “We’re definitely pursuing that line of investigation,” Gabriel confirmed, “but we can’t leave any stone unturned.” To my parents, he said, “What can you tell me about Kaminski and Martinelli?”

  Grace stepped away from Jimmy Lee, shaking her head. “Not now. Our pasta’s cooked. Isadora and I need to finish the salad, and Alyssa will be back any minute. Jimmy Lee and I’ll put our heads together later, when we have some free time. We’ll go through our whole list of friends and colleagues, and see if we can think of anyone who might be able to engrave a lighter. I promise, Gabriel, we do take this seriously.”

  He nodded. “Fair enough.”

  I wondered h
ow we’d be able to act normally over dinner, but as soon as Alyssa, oblivious to any undercurrents, began chattering about her adventures at the vet clinic, the tension dissipated. Or at least one tension dissipated.

  Gabriel was unusually quiet, and more than once I looked up to find his eyes resting on my face. And a different kind of tension, that weird fizzy sexual energy, built between us.

  Normally, I loved Grace’s carrot cake, but tonight I could barely force it down my throat.

  After we’d finished dessert, she said, “We need to get Alyssa to the hospital during visiting hours. Gabriel, do you want to come and meet Alyssa’s mother?”

  He shook his head. “Later, when she’s out of the hospital and feeling more comfortable.” Then he turned to me. “I’ll give you a lift.”

  It felt more like a command than an offer, and I didn’t have the will power to resist.

  Five minutes later we were all out on the street, my parents and Alyssa heading for the van as Gabriel and I walked to his car.

  When we got in, he said, “Are you in a hurry to get home? Want to go walk on the beach?”

  Surprised, I echoed, “The beach?”

  “Spanish Banks? Nice view of the city.”

  I had to have a serious talk with Gabriel. Maybe I’d been misreading the situation, and he wasn’t attracted to me. If so, that was a good thing, and I’d be able to get control of my own feelings.

  If the attraction was mutual…Well, then we’d have to find a way of… What? Banishing it? There was no other option.

  “Sure. Spanish Banks sounds nice. Too bad I didn’t bring Pogo.”

  “He could chase gulls,” Gabriel said as he pulled away from the curb. “Like Valente’s doing, in doggy heaven.”

  Would the man never stop surprising me? “That’s a nice thought,” I murmured. Then, because I was feeling far too sentimental, I changed the subject. “Have you found out anything more to suggest that Cosmystiques burned their own plant?”

  “I was telling your dad about this earlier, when he and I were alone in the living room. Miki’s been doing some research. Turns out Cosmystiques is a family-controlled business, with the head of the family, Jack Luce, as President and CEO. The business is in the toilet. They were making a profit until the recession, but there was a major downturn and they never recovered. Huge losses the last two years. My guess, they’d have been forced into bankruptcy.”