Something Borrowed

by Lexi Ostrow

  “I don’t know how many of you have been out here since the war itself was declared over. When an incident like this happens, everyone gets a shot at phoning home. No news is good news is all well and good, but with social media fucking with things, we want everyone to make a cursory call. You will be granted a short, five-minute call to the person of your choice. Rank supersedes all in the order, but those with dependents will go first.”

  Jaxon’s mouth gaped open at the oddity of the policy. Though he figured it made a great deal of sense. Social media meant any death or injury could be leaked if the wrong source got hold of information that didn’t belong to them.

  Looking down at his hand he noticed the slight shake as it rested on his leg. He’d gone through countless therapy sessions after each mission and not one had found him mentally unfit, not one had checked that horrid little box for PTSD.

  That didn’t mean he hadn’t felt like he had it. Each round of gunfire was different than the one before it. Most times, his head was where it belonged in the present. Every once and awhile, when he hadn’t had more than a few hours of sleep, he slipped away to any number of deaths he’d witnessed to gunfire or IEDs. In the beginning he’d felt like less of a man for it. As he’d continued to grow within the Marines he understood that they all did. Not one person walked away from a wartime tour of duty without being affected. PTSD was a label, but that didn’t mean they all fit within that label.

  It typically ended when the dust cleared and everything was calm. To his knowledge, none save for the therapists had ever known about his episodes. He hadn’t even told his father. He wasn’t embarrassed any longer, but he didn’t want to give anyone a reason to worry. It was selfish, but if they knew anything troubled him they’d hound him to retire until he did it just to shut them up. Oddly though, he wanted to tell Adrianna and he wanted to do it her soon. He hadn’t had a moment to email her due to shitty reception in a few weeks.

  That hadn’t stopped him from thinking about her. The thoughts weren’t every waking moment – but they were there. Just before bed he found his mind would drift to her and begin to wonder. He still couldn’t grasp how he’d been fortunate enough to get the girl that got away and to hold onto her despite alienating circumstances. There had been one email he couldn’t forget, he saw the words in his mind when he closed his eyes for sleep.

  ‘One day, you’ll be home and we’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms again, like lovers should.’

  It was after that he pictured them lying together as they had for two short days. He hadn’t even realized he’d missed touches like a cuddle until she’d reminded him what they were like. He couldn’t help but feel like what they had was the end game. It didn’t matter that he had only been two days – he’d known her most of his life and he’d always wondered what it would have been like to be with her. He’d had a taste of Adrianna Laurant and he wasn’t interested in letting her go.

  “Donovan!”

  Out of habit he bolted out of the chair. He hadn’t realized how far into his mind he’d retreated as the others had begun and had their calls. Nodding, he walked into the small, private phone area and blew out a breath as he sat down. In his heart he knew the only person that he could call, but a small piece of him longed to hear Adrianna’s voice, and to assure her he was well because he knew she would have heard of the small attack.

  Grabbing the satellite phone off the unpainted wooden table he punched in his father’s number as he dropped into the seat.

  “Jaxon, is that you?” His father’s worried voice called out after only one ring.

  He couldn’t help but smirk. Leave it to his father to notice the strange number and realize it was his son.

  “Yes, Dad, it’s me.”

  “Thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” His father breathed.

  Jaxon could practically see him crossing himself. Growing up in New Orleans had meant staunch, boring visits to church each Sunday. When he’d been old enough to decide for himself, he’d chosen to forgo traditional views on religion. He believed what he believed, and he worshipped in his own way – which had almost killed his very Catholic father.

  “You heard then?” he was a little worried Adrianna was the one who’d told him.

  “It was on the news, yes. Felt like if you’re dating the anchor I have to watch.”

  Jaxon wasn’t sure if he should have laughed or cringed and he realized how ridiculous it was he was even thinking about that at a time like the present.

  “That’s nice, Dad.”

  “You’re fine though?” Anxiety laced the question.

  “I’m fine. Every one of us is, though I’m injury free if that’s what you’re asking.”

  He heard the giant exhale from his father and for the first time really worried about if he was going to give his dad a heart attack one day.

  “Good. I can’t ask for more than that. Well, I could, I’d rather you put this all behind you and come home. There’s more than enough space for you at the office.”

  It was so very like his father to leap to that conversation and he couldn’t help but smile. “Not this time, Dad. How are you doing? My time is short.”

  “I’m fine now that I can hear your voice. I’ll be sure to let your sister and Adrianna know it too.”

  “Thanks. Have you . . .”

  “Have I spoken to Adrianna?”

  He suddenly felt like he was twelve instead of twenty-eight. “Mhm.”

  “I have. I keep telling her there’s got to be a better man for her than one that runs around with guns and lives all over the world, but do you know what she told me?”

  “What, Dad?”

  “She told me that she didn’t wait nearly fifteen years for you to not see this through. Smart girl you’ve got there. Make sure you come home and steer this in the right direction.”

  “I plan to, Dad. I plan too.” A sharp knock on the door told him his time was up. “I have to go, Dad. Tell Kailey I love her and I love you too. If you can, tell Adrianna I owe her a call anytime now.”

  “You’ve got it. Remember to tuck and roll if you have to dodge any bullets. I love you, Son.”

  Blowing out a breath he ended the call. It was nice to hear his father still worried about him, but it was even nicer that Adrianna hadn’t been blowing smoke up his ass the last time they’d spoken.

  Pushing up out of the chair he pulled the door open and nodded to Johansen, stepping out so he could step in. In a few days he would request a call. He’d make certain he let Adrianna know he was in it as much as she seemed to be, and to tell her little things about himself that the woman he could easily fall in love with should know.

  Chapter Eight

  Jaxon couldn’t help but smile as he watched the sun go down on the far side of the flat terrain. Sundown meant it was late enough in the U.S. to call Adrianna, and he was more than ready for their first video call – more than excited to hear her voice on something that wasn’t an uploaded video on the news page. He’d deny watching them if she ever asked, but every so often he’d pull one up before or after emailing her. It helped him to feel just a little bit closer to her, and there was nothing wrong with that in his book.

  All that was left was for Micaylab to relieve him from duty so he could finally talk to her. Six weeks into the deployment and they’d only exchanged emails – and a handwritten letter he’d sent for her birthday. There weren’t many liberty days, and when there had been one, memories of his past had kept him from leaving the base camp. There were only so many times one could play with fate, and he didn’t feel like checking his card just yet.

  The days had been long, hot and thankfully uneventful since the random assault a few weeks prior. Jaxon had fallen into a simple routine, but it made the days go by. Colors had already come and gone, and that always made things move that much faster because he was fortunate enough not to have a night watch.

  “It’s beautiful, sometimes, ya know?” Caster asked, standing about two hundred feet from him o
n the other side of the entrance.

  Looking around he tried to figure out what Caster was looking at, unable to find anything of any beauty around them. Turning behind him, he quickly dismissed the base setup because it was horrible and Caster was facing outright. Glancing at the sky proved to be short lived as the bright burst of light from the setting sun resulted in him quickly glancing down.

  “What is?” he shifted his gaze to the other man, wondering just what had prompted such a comment.

  “Caster lifted his arm and pointed toward the desert just outside the village they were near. “The world over here. I think we all get so caught up in the hatred that surrounds this place that we forget to see the beauty.”

  Jaxon looked out at the desert as night began to touch it. He saw fissures in the sandy ground, sparse plants and no animals anywhere around them. What he didn’t see was anything beautiful.

  “What’s in that canteen? Nothing regulation I’m guessing.” He said with a smirk and a chuckle.

  Caster grunted. “Amusing. Don’t forget; I’m from Arizona. The desert just appeals to me I guess.”

  He didn’t get a chance to respond. Macaylab and Barrister walked up, guns at the ready and eyes straight ahead. The debrief was short, as it typically was, and he was more than ready to get on with his night as the duty sections swapped. Grinning as he secured his weapon in the armory area, he turned to Caster.

  “You got to look at something beautiful tonight, and so will I.”

  Caster chuckled. “Skype call with that reporter girlfriend?”

  “Anchor,” he said with a smirk. “I hear that makes her more important.”

  Both men laughed but said nothing more as they went their separate ways. When he walked back toward his modest cot space, there was an extra spring in his step. His fingers seemed too large to be efficient as he quickly attempted to undo his uniform buttons, fumbling every other button it seemed. Tugging the top off, he folded it and set it in the sack hamper at the foot his bed before sitting down to tug his boots off. They had to remain in uniform, but he didn’t want to call her wearing sweat slicked clothing. Either she’d see the sweat stains or he’d wind up having an itch in an unfortunate place.

  Sliding off his belt he made quick work of his pants, folding and placing them in the hamper as well. They each had a small foot locker, and his was under the cot. Yanking it out without getting off the bed, he twisted the numbers on the combination lock and flipped the lid. Grabbing out a fresh uniform he closed, locked and replaced it under the bed.

  “Going somewhere that you changed?” Pollack asked from where he lay, hands under his head, on his cot across the way.

  “Just a date with someone special.”

  “Well go, get ‘em!” Pollack chuckled and closed his eyes.

  Getting dressed he couldn’t help but wonder how tonight would go. They hadn’t spoken at all since the deployment began and he didn’t know if she would be as excited to hear his voice as he was to hear hers. He could feel the extra pep in his step as he walked to the computer. The computer room had a door, should people need to discuss sensitive subjects, but he’d always wondered if couples used it for . . . other things.

  “Okay, here we go,” he said with a smile as he brought up Skype and selected her.

  A few moments of a grainy picture and tinny-sounding dialing tone greeted him until her face popped up. The image was pixelated, but it did nothing to stop her from taking his breath away.

  “You’re as beautiful as I remember,” he breathed, feeling like a tool the moment he said it.

  Her chuckle was bright, and she grinned. “You don’t look too bad yourself. Hi there.”

  “Hi. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this all day.”

  Again she laughed, her smile brightening his mood even more. “Well it’s morning here, but I’ve been waiting for this for nearly two months.”

  It was his to turn laugh, and it was damn good to be smiling and laughing because of her.

  “How have you been?” he asked, realizing he suddenly felt awkward around her.

  “Bored. There seems to be a certain someone in my life that takes up a lot of my free time.” She flushed slightly. “I’ve found myself waiting around for emails when I probably shouldn’t be.”

  He was torn between a massive sense of cockiness, and guilt that she was slowly putting her life on hold for him. Spouses often did that, but he didn’t want that for them. They were two different people and successful couples kept living life when the other deployed.

  “As much as that makes me want to swell with pride, don’t wait around. I want us to be who we were before, just with the added benefit of being together.”

  “That was a bit hard to follow, but I understand.”

  “There’s something I’d like to talk about if that’s all right.”

  Her grin seemed to beam through the screen at him, making him feel as if he were next to her, not thousands of miles away.

  “I’m fairly certain that’s what these things are for,” her voice dropped to just above a whisper. “Unless there’s something else these Skype dates are used for.”

  His boisterous laugh was likely heard through the door. “Well, I know a lot of people do use it for that, but if we started that I’d likely walk around in a heightened state of desire until I saw you again.”

  “Well, then, I suppose we’ll have to save that for another time. What did you want to talk about? Is something wrong, something you couldn’t say in an email?” Her voice held the faintest hint of concern.

  “Nothing like that. Just something about me that I thought you should know.” He sucked in a deep breath, feeling the weight of panic settle around him like a blanket. “I have flashbacks, to moments when I’ve lost people in combat.”

  “Like PTSD?” She asked without skipping a beat.

  “Sort of. I’ve been to therapists outside of the general debriefing ones, and they won’t call it PTSD. I don’t wake up screaming from nightmares, and I don’t mistake fireworks for gunfire.”

  “Then what do you do?” Her question held the faintest tone of a reporter sniffing around her subject.

  “When I am in combat, my mind sometimes shuts down in the present. When we were attacked recently, I couldn’t see or hear the fight around me. I was suddenly on a different mission where a member of my team died in my arms. I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else so long as I’m not in gunfire – and even then, it doesn’t happen every time, and it’s been so few times doctors aren’t any help. I was cleared for this because nothing was anticipated to go wrong.” It didn’t feel like confessing lightened his load at all. In fact, he was holding his breath, waiting for her to say she didn’t want him if he was mentally damaged.

  “How do you feel about it?” Her question was soft, barely audible.

  “Like less of man on some days, but most of the time I know it’s normal for all of us. Ask any vet of a war, and they have the same issue. It sucks, but it’s normal, and I’ve had to remind myself of that for years to make it sink in.”

  “Thank you for telling me.” Her smile was small but held no sign of disinterest. “I suppose it’s only fair to tell you that I walk around terrified in areas of the city I used to love. Being a public figure makes me recognizable, and that makes me a target. When I walk around The Pointe at night, I no longer go alone and I always have a gun.” The words came out in a rush, and her shoulders sagged in what could have only been relief when she finished.

  His fists clenched at his sides at the idea that she lived her life in any state of fear. No one deserved that, and he’d make damn sure she never walked alone again, in New Orleans or anywhere else. “You’ve never told anyone that before, have you?”

  “I’ve never wanted too.” Despite the graininess of the image, he could see her interest in him clear as day. It was as real for her as it was for him, regardless of how quickly it had started and how far away they were.

  “I can�
��t believe I waited so damn long to make a move with you,” he said, shaking his head. “We could have been together all this time.”

  She barked out a laugh and clucked her tongue at him. “Don’t think I would have just fallen all over you at any point in time. Maybe I was waiting for this you, the adult who’d seen far more in life than someone his age should have. Perhaps a younger version of ourselves would have slept together and parted ways, unknowing what this could be.”

  “I didn’t take you for a philosopher, Adrianna Laurant.”

  Playfully, she winked at him and just like that, the serious air around them vanished, the blanket of panic sliding to the floor as if he’d shrugged it off.

  “There’s a lot you’ll still learn, but I think the most important is that there’s a very strong probability that I’m going to fall in love with you, no matter how dangerous or foolish that might be.”

  He stared at her, not only stunned by her confession, but of how it made him feel. He had never been serious with a woman, never said ‘I love you’ or even given them a key. When she said she could love him, all he wanted to do was scoop her up in his arms and tell her he wanted that too.

  “Jaxon?” She leaned forward, tapping her computer screen as if she thought the connection had been dropped.

  “I’m here. Just thinking about how perfect that declaration sounded.” He grinned, feeling every bit like a teen. “I could fall in love with you too, Adrianna. In fact, I plan on it if you’ll have me.”

  “I think there is still some silly left in you from being a teen. You don’t ask someone if you can fall in love with them. You just do it.”

  Chuckling, he spied the time on the bottom of the screen and knew it was time to end the call. “Well, in that case, hold onto your seat, it’s going to be a very bumpy ride.” Without thinking, he placed his hand on the computer screen.