Desperately Seeking Heaven

by Jill Steeples

  If I’d had any doubts that Jimmy wasn’t telling the truth about his relationship with Donna then meeting her in the flesh had completely quashed that doubt. I could see in her eyes she was lying. And the look we’d shared told me she knew I had her sussed, but it didn’t get over the fact that Donna was still very much pregnant and everyone believed that Jimmy Mack was the celebrity daddy.

  ‘Yeah, it’s going really well, thanks for asking.’

  Damon’s voice interrupted my musings. I turned to look at him, his face coming into startling focus as an awful dawning realisation hit me hard in the chest.

  ‘Oh God, Damon, of course, how’s it going? I missed your leaving do, didn’t I?’ I scrunched up my shoulders wishing I could disappear into the depths of his coat and not come out again. ‘I’m so sorry. Things have been a bit manic for me these last few weeks.’

  ‘Men problems,’ Lexie piped up helpfully, before she returned her attentions to Phil.

  ‘I meant to text you and tell you I wouldn’t be able to make it, but it completely slipped my mind.’ I felt dreadful, absolutely awful that I hadn’t even bothered to send him a good luck text. What sort of person had I become? Since Jimmy’s all-consuming presence had taken up residence in my life there’d been little time for anything or anyone else.

  ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. I knew you’d come up with some lame excuse.’ The twinkle in his eye told me he was joking, but still it made me feel like the most despicable person sitting in the cab. My cheeks tingled with shame. ‘There’s a lot to do, starting up a new business,’ he went on, ‘but it’s very exciting. I’m working much longer hours, if that’s possible, but I’m really enjoying it. It’s a challenge and I love a challenge.’ He paused, a smile hovering on his lips as his gaze flittered across my face. ‘Anyway, I’m glad I’ve bumped into you because there was something I wanted to ask you.’

  ‘OK,’ I said curiously. Last time a man asked me that, it involved going to his own funeral and tracking down a pregnant celebrity glamour girl. What could I possibly have to fear from Damon?

  ‘I need some help in putting in some systems for the new business. I hate admin, it’s the bane of my life, but I reckoned if I got organised early on even I might be able to keep track of the finances etc. I wondered if you might be able to give me your expert opinion? A few tips. What do you reckon?’

  ‘Of course. I’d be delighted to.’ At least it would go a small way to making it up to Damon. And compared to all those other problems I had on my plate, a bit of admin would be child’s play.

  ‘Great. Perhaps we can meet for a coffee or something and talk through a few ideas. I’ll give you a call in the next week or so and get something arranged, if that’s OK with you?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Hey, that’s a great idea,’ I heard Lexie saying, her voice barging into our conversation. I glanced over at her.

  ‘What’s that?’ I asked, shifting in my seat.

  ‘Phil suggested we go to the Irish Bar off the High Street for a nightcap. We’ll be able to walk back to your place from there.’

  ‘Oh, well I’m a bit tired. Maybe we could…’ I caught Lexie’s practised death stare as my voice trailed away. My heart sank. The only place I wanted to go was home to tell Jimmy all the news and then into the depths of my big double bed.

  ‘Hey, if you’d prefer not to, then don’t worry about it,’ added Damon.

  ‘Oh God, Alice. I’m not going out with you again on a Saturday night. You’re such a lightweight. It’s only 12.30, the night’s young.’

  I gulped. The night felt positively ancient to me.

  ‘Of course she’ll come,’ Lexie said, making up my mind for me.

  The way she was fluttering her eyelashes at Phil, I knew she’d never speak to me again if I backed out and after everything she’d done for me this evening, I felt I didn’t really have a choice.

  Thankfully the bar was small, intimate and welcoming with big squashy leather sofas and subdued lighting. A much nicer atmosphere to the cattle market feel inside Planet 21. They even managed to come up with the mug of steaming hot chocolate that I’d been hankering after all night.

  ‘Oh, do I need this!’ I said sipping the creamy frothy layer from the top of the mug.

  Damon pointed discreetly to my lip and I wiped away my foaming moustache with a smile.

  It was after 2.30 am by the time we got back to my flat. While Phil and Lexie were busy exchanging numbers outside the entrance to my block, Damon and I stood there shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot in the cold.

  ‘Right, well, I’ll give you a call. Soon.’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, wishing Lexie would get a move on. This evening had gone on far too long already. I needed to get home to Jimmy.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ‘Well,’ said Lexie, filling up a tumbler with water from the tap, ‘that wasn’t such a wasted evening after all. What did you make of Phil?’ She swooned exaggeratedly, flapping her hand in front of her face like an 18th- century heroine. ‘I thought he was really cute.’

  ‘Yes, he seemed very charming.’ Well, he had from the little I’d had to do with him because to be honest Lexie had monopolised his attention. ‘Mind you, I suppose he was on his best behaviour having escaped a decking from you.’

  ‘Oh, that was just a misunderstanding,’ she giggled. ‘And I did apologise. Lots of times!’ She sat down on the sofa which would be doubling as her bed for the night, a dreamy look upon her face. ‘What about you and Damon, though? You seemed to be getting on pretty well.’

  ‘Yes, he’s a nice guy,’ I sighed, looking round, feeling strangely bereft that Jimmy hadn’t bothered to wait up. I was certain he’d be in his usual place on the sofa, wanting to hear all the details of our meeting with Donna.

  ‘Nice! Really, Alice, I worry about you at times. Damon is really hot and a great catch by the sound of things. You could do a lot worse you know. You could have given the guy a bit of encouragement.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ I laughed. ‘Damon and I are just mates.’ As if I had the time or the inclination for anything else at the moment. Jimmy was way too much of a distraction.

  ‘Sorry, Lexie.’ I stood up stretching my arms above my head. ‘I have to go to bed. I’m so tired. Are you sure you’ll be OK on the sofa?’ Normally she’d stay in the spare room, but I couldn’t turf Jimmy out when he’d taken it over as his own these last weeks. ‘There are extra blankets in the airing cupboard if you need them.’

  ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. There’s every possibility I’ll be having very sweet dreams tonight,’ she joked. ‘Sleep well, darling.’

  I tiptoed down the hall, mindful of not waking Jimmy, just pausing to peer round the slightly ajar door of the guest room. Seeing his familiar outline beneath the covers was always reassuring so discovering his bed was as pristine as it had been this morning, and more worryingly, still empty, I let out an involuntary cry.

  ‘Alice? What is it? Are you OK?’ Lexie was quickly beside me in the hallway.

  ‘It’s Jimmy. He’s not here. I thought he’d gone to bed, but…’

  ‘Oh, is that all?’ She ran her hands through her hair, which tonight was a fetching lilac colour, looking every bit as fresh as I was feeling weary. ‘He probably went on somewhere after you ran into him. Maybe he met up with some of his own type, you know,’ she giggled, ‘and they’re all down at the local ghoulies and ghost rave.’

  ‘It’s not funny. Jimmy hasn’t got anyone, but me. Where would he go?’ Admittedly, he had a habit of flitting in and out, making himself scarce when I had work or something else to see to, but he was always at home in the mornings and waiting for me again when I got in of a night. It was our little routine. Besides, it was the middle of the night. What on earth could he be doing?

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, ushering me into my bedroom. ‘He can’t come to any harm. It’s not as though anything terrible can happen to him because it already has. Ha ha! Think abou
t it that way.’

  I shot her a disapproving glance.

  ‘You’re not helping, Lexie. You’re really not helping. What if he’s gone?’ I sank onto the bed, my head buzzing from the enormity of that thought. My heart thumped loudly inside my chest, the back of my neck feeling hot and sweaty. ‘What if they came to get him while we were out?

  ‘You’re not making any sense, Alice. What if who came for him?’

  ‘The people up there. The heavenly authorities. Angels. I don’t know what you call them, but whoever it is who’s going to take him across to the other side. Perhaps now we’ve made contact with Donna and she knows we know the truth about what happened, Jimmy’s spirit has been released. Oh God! I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.’

  I sank down onto Jimmy’s vacant bed, tears rushing to my eyes.

  ‘Well,’ she said, sitting down next to me and putting an arm around my shoulder, ‘that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Saves you a job.’

  ‘Lexie!’

  ‘No, I don’t mean it in a bad way, but you knew he had to go sometime and you were wondering how it would happen. Perhaps this way, it’s the problem sorted for you.’

  ‘Oh God, no,’ I cried, sobbing. ‘But I don’t want him to go. Not yet. There were things I needed to say.’ How would I ever manage without Jimmy? In such a short space of time he’d come to fill a huge hole in my life.

  ‘Stop it now.’ Lexie handed me a tissue from the box on the side. ‘We don’t know that he has gone, do we? I still reckon he’s gone out partying. Probably found some hot little ghostly chick to make out with. You mark my words, he’ll be back any minute now up to his normal antics. Freaking the friggin’ life out of me.’

  I forced a smile. The flat, his room, felt strangely empty without his all-pervasive presence.

  ‘You’re tired and emotional. It’s been a taxing evening. Get to sleep and when you wake up, I’m sure he’ll be back.’

  ‘Do you really think so?’

  ‘I know so,’ said Lexie, kissing me on the forehead. ‘Now get to sleep.’

  Exhausted, I took Lexie at her word and fell asleep there and then without any thought as to what Jimmy would do if and when he got home and wanted his bed back. When I did finally wake up I thought I must have only been asleep for a matter of minutes, but the alarm clock on the bedside table confirmed it was past ten the next morning. I shot up out bed with a start.

  ‘Jimmy?’ I yawned, padding through to the living room. He had to be home by now, sitting on the sofa, sipping tea from a mug, looking apologetic.

  ‘Morning,’ said Lexie, lazily opening one eye, shuffling herself up one end of the sofa to make room for me. Admittedly, she was wrapped beneath the duvet, but I was pretty certain she wasn’t hiding Jimmy under there too.

  ‘Oh no,’ I sighed, ‘is Jimmy not back?’

  ‘If he’s got any sense, he’ll still be tucked up in a bed somewhere.’ She sat up, stretching out her little legs, reminding me of a good-natured pixie. ‘God, it’s early. Fancy a brew?’

  ‘Oh Lexie, where the hell is he?’

  ‘Well, hopefully not there!’

  I glared at her, biting on my lip to stop the tears escaping from my eyes.

  ‘Nah, don’t worry,’ she went on, ‘he definitely had a few brownie points under his belt. Him being a much-loved entertainer and all that. He’ll be on his way up the upwards escalator, rest assured.’

  I sighed, sniffing morosely.

  ‘But I didn’t think he’d be taken so quickly after seeing Donna. I thought we’d have a couple of days’ grace. He can’t just go like this without saying goodbye. It’s not right.’

  She dropped her head to the side, pulling a sad face. ‘Let me get you that cup of tea. You look as though you need one.’

  I rested my head in my hands and wept quietly. Lexie was right. I knew Jimmy would have to leave at some point, but I wasn’t ready for it like this, so suddenly. Pain clenched a tight knot in my stomach.

  ‘Tea,’ offered Lexie, a few moments later, handing me a mug. ‘Oh, look at you,’ she said, noticing my reddened puffy eyes, ‘if you’re that worried why don’t you try giving him a call.’

  Gawd, she was testing my patience.

  ‘Top of the range mobile phones aren’t standard issue for newly recruited ghosts, you know.’

  ‘No, but you can summon him, can’t you? By the power of thought. Or something.’ She waved her hands in the air with a flourish. Who did she think I was all of a sudden? Samantha from Bewitched? ‘I thought you had this special thing going on?’

  ‘I think it’s a one-way arrangement,’ I sighed. ‘It’s Jimmy who can do the magic stuff, not me.’

  ‘Shame,’ Lexie sighed, sounding wholly uninterested as she dunked a Rich Tea biscuit in her tea and delved into the Sunday papers.

  If Jimmy had gone for good, how would my life ever be the same again?

  There would be no one waiting for me when I came home of a night.

  No one to laugh with over re-runs of Friends.

  No one to make a cup of tea for me in the mornings or to put a delicious meal on the table of an evening.

  No one to care for me.

  And I would miss Jimmy for simply being Jimmy. His huge wide smile, those deep grey inquisitive eyes, his warm nut-brown laugh that echoed out over the flat.

  It was almost too awful to contemplate.

  Instead, I stared into my empty mug, trying not to think about it, the silence and emptiness of the flat oppressive.

  ‘Jimmy!’ I screamed, inwardly. Why was he doing this to me?

  Moments later, a cool rush of air swept around the flat as his familiar dulcet tones sounded in my ear.

  ‘Blimey, why all the long faces? Has someone died?’

  ‘Jimmy!’ I leapt up off the sofa. ‘Oh my God! Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.’

  ‘Thank the Lord for that,’ said Lexie resignedly, as she picked up her clothes and wandered out towards the bathroom. ‘The spooky wanderer returns, does he? Do us a favour, Jimmy, next time you want to go walkabout, could you let the boss know? She’s been in a dreadful state all night.’

  ‘Ah, tea!’ Jimmy, seemingly oblivious to my distress, spotted our empty mugs sitting on the table. ‘I’ll just grab myself one if you don’t mind, it’s been a long night.’

  How dare he, was my first thought, as I grabbed him by the lapels. His warm familiar masculine scent reassured me and angered me at the same time. Who did he think he was, waltzing in like a paying guest without any regard to my feelings?

  ‘Where the bloody hell have you been?’ All the worry that had been festering inside over the last few hours erupted in a frenzy of pummelling on Jimmy’s chest. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you wouldn’t be coming home?’

  Bemused, his eyes scanned my face, before looking down and noticing my attempts to do his ghostly form some serious damage. Clearly, I was having no impact whatsoever.

  ‘Hey, hey, hey.’ He gently removed my hands from his chest, holding my wrists down by my sides. ‘I went to catch up with a few people, that was all.’ He wiped the tears from my cheeks with the backs of his thumbs, pushing the hair out of my eyes. ‘It was a last-minute thing. When you got back last night, I saw you with that guy,’ he waved a hand in the air, ‘um, the flash one with…’

  ‘You mean Damon?’

  ‘Yep, that’s him. I reckoned you wouldn’t want me around cramping your style so I decided to make myself scarce.’

  ‘Oh, Jimmy, you wouldn’t have been cramping my style! We went for a drink, that’s all. We bumped into them when we came out of the club. Damon and I used to work together and Lexie got chatting to his friend Phil.’ I could hear myself gabbling, explaining, apologising. For what though, I didn’t quite understand. But then it came to me. I didn’t want Jimmy thinking Damon was anything other than a friend.

  ‘That’s not a hint of jealousy I detect from the ghostly quarter, is it?’ Lexie’s voice wafted from down the
hallway.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ I said, jumping to Jimmy’s defence as I rolled my eyes at my sister’s silly comment. Pure unadulterated relief filtered through my veins at being with him again. ‘Don’t worry, she’ll be going home soon. You should have told me though, Jimmy. I was worried. I thought you’d gone for good, that I’d never see you again.’

  ‘Sorry.’ He glanced at the floor looking contrite and then turned his gaze on my face. ‘You’re right, I should have told you. It was rude of me disappearing like that. I suppose it’s only natural you’re going to have your own life to lead.’ And if I hadn’t known better, I might have been inclined to agree with Lexie’s earlier assertion.

  Now the tears ran freely down my face, my shoulders juddering with relief. He delved in his pockets and pulled out a hankie, and made a half-hearted attempt at mopping me up before giving it up as a bad job and handing the crisp white cloth over to me. I nodded my thanks and blew my nose noisily which seemed to make him laugh. I sniffed, feeling ridiculously happy and desperately despondent at the same time.

  Jimmy had come home this time, but he could quite easily have just disappeared, literally without a trace. And where would that have left me? I’d invested so much time and energy into helping him find his rightful place in the universe that I should have been overjoyed at the thought of him moving on. Only now, looking up into those deep grey eyes, his charcoal hair falling over his face, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I’d be losing him from life very soon.

  Imperceptibly he’d made himself irreplaceable in my life and I didn’t know how I’d ever manage without him.

  He took my hands in his, holding me at arm’s length, looking imploringly into my eyes.

  ‘Let’s make a pact, Alice. When I do finally have to go,’ he said, as if reading my mind, ‘I promise that I’ll come and say a proper goodbye before I leave. How about that?’