by Jamie Berris
When Jayna was old enough to help out, they would fight over who got to collect what, so Lydia made a second list on neon green construction paper for Jayna. Jayna and Sadie would race through the house to see who could collect their items first. It always ended up in a fight.
Obviously, their picture lists had phased out once they were old enough to read, but Sadie couldn’t help but smile when she thought of them and how she looked forward to packing for Pentwater. That was the thing about Mom, thought Sadie; she took the time to do simple but special things like that for them.
Now, in the midst of checking off items on her hand written list, Nicholas had wrapped his arms around her leg. Sadie leaned over and kissed the top of his head and told him she loved him. He looked at her with the sweetest smile and asked for a pack of fruit snacks. The kid was turning into a fruit snack junkie. Lydia would have flipped if she knew Sadie let him have a package, sometimes two, every day.
A light bulb went off in her head. It was her mother’s voice loud and clear. Find the picture lists and let Nicholas help pack.
Sadie picked Nicholas up and told him first he had a special job to do and, as soon as he finished his treasure hunt, he could have some fruit snacks. Knowing Lydia, Sadie was quite certain she wouldn’t have gotten rid of the orange and green lists—it was only a matter of finding them.
She took Nicholas’s hand, and they went down to the basement to scour through the plastic tubs. There were gazillions of tubs; purple for Easter decorations and mementos, orange tubs with black lids for Halloween and fall stuff, red and green tubs for Christmas decor, tubs labeled “Jayna’s Souvenirs” and “Sadie’s Souvenirs,” and of course, the endless tubs of Lydia’s diaries. They had so many tubs that her dad was always building extra shelving to store them on.
It was only a matter of finding the right tub, and Sadie knew she would uncover the lists she was looking for, because to Lydia, these were just as important as the letters her children wrote to Santa. Ah-ha, that’s where Mom would store them. She began to search for a tub in which she had seen her mom throw homemade gifts, poems and cards they had given to her and dad over the years. She remembered it was labeled “Special Creations from the Kids.”
Sure enough, as she dug through it, she found the ratty orange and green sheets tucked between some homemade Mother and Father’s Day cards. They weren’t quite as neon as they used to be, and the magazine pictures were a little frayed at the edges, but she knew Nicholas would have as much fun with them as she did, and who knows, maybe they could even make new ones if he wanted.
As soon as Sadie shoved the tub back on the shelf, she noticed the lids on several of her mom’s diary tubs weren’t secured tightly. It was obvious someone had recently opened them.
Sadie’s blood boiled as she pictured Jayna in the basement, snooping through their mom’s diaries. Jayna knew they were off limits. Or weren’t they anymore? Sadie pushed down on the lids until she heard each one snap into place. She wasn’t sure what to think.
Should she say something to Jayna or just let it go? Maybe it made her feel close to Mom. Sadie felt a little twinge of jealousy. What things had Jayna learned about their mom that she hadn’t? Had Jayna been reading about their mom’s childhood or teenage years, or maybe even her deepest thoughts in her last year of her life?
Sadie turned off the basement light, led Nicholas back upstairs, and decided not to bring up the diaries with Jayna yet. One thing was for certain though: Sadie was suddenly intrigued by the diaries more than she had ever been. Would they reveal the secret about what Marissa had done to her mom?
Chapter 15
Kurt
Kurt remembered Lydia always being a cheerful, bubbly woman from the moment he met her, but something in her had changed after she had Jayna, and she was never quite the same again.
At first, the doctor had said it was postpartum depression, or the “baby blues,” and talked with her about simple ways to cope like exercise, getting more sleep, taking time for herself, and eating right. By the time Jayna was one, Lydia still hadn’t shed the “baby blues” and was prescribed Xanax.
The medication seemed to be helping, and after a few months, Lydia seemed to be her old self again, someone with a zest for life. After a year, Lydia figured she didn’t need the medication anymore and weaned herself off of it. In a matter of weeks, Lydia had fallen back in her slump but figured it would take her body a little time to adjust and come around.
Several months had gone by, and Lydia’s anxiety and depression had only worsened. She went back to the doctor and once again was given a prescription. However, this time the medication wasn’t helping as it had before, and Lydia found herself in and out of the doctor’s, trying this and tweaking that. After months of trial and error, Lydia was improving and felt like herself.
Out of the blue, Lydia had begun feeling dizzy, suffering from insomnia, nausea, and even having chest pains and palpitations. Luckily, after a host of tests, no major health problems were revealed. Her doctor thought she was just feeling anxious. So it was back to tweaking the anti-depressants once again. Over time, Lydia’s symptoms subsided, and she felt like she had her life back, despite the fact she felt like she couldn’t cope without her daily dose of benzos.
During this time, Marissa and Marcus were on the brink of divorce, and Lydia poured herself into being there for her best friend. Helping her best friend through something so difficult gave Lydia a sense of purpose she desperately needed at the time
Kurt had mixed feelings about vacationing in Pentwater. He had planned it as a surprise well in advance, and after reading Sadie and Jayna’s letter asking to spend their usual two weeks there, he couldn’t back out. He was sure everything would be fine, but all the firsts without Lydia were trial and error for him and the kids (mostly error on his part).
It would be good for the kids. They missed out on Pentwater last summer when Lydia’s death had been just that May, but now that it had been over a year, they were more than ready to go as a family of four.
They needed to get away from the house and be carefree, especially Sadie—she had so many responsibilities at home. Kurt was also looking forward to getting away from the daily grind and relaxing on the beach, fishing, and having a few beers with Benton. As a single father of three, he needed this vacation, and probably a vacation from the vacation.
Chapter 16
Sadie
Going around the last curve and seeing Pentwater Lake always put Sadie at ease. She was officially on vacation. Passing Snug Harbor Marina, the familiar restaurants, gift shops, and ice cream parlors made the memories of years gone by come flooding back. Within two minutes, they would be pulling up to their rented cottage, and she would be greeted by the familiar sights and sounds of Lake Michigan.
She had spent two weeks of her summer in Pentwater since she was an infant, and it never seemed to get old or lose its appeal. She secretly envisioned bringing her own family to Pentwater for vacation someday—watching sunsets with her husband on top of the dunes while her children chased after seagulls in the sand.
She briefly thought of Dylan, tried to envision him as a father, but her thoughts were soon replaced with thoughts of Travis and their little fling two summers ago. Sadie hoped it wouldn’t be awkward between the two of them this year. She felt guilty being so excited to see him.
She rolled down the window to let the breeze blow in. Pentwater even had its own smell. The lake’s fresh water, mixed with the town’s scent of baking waffle cones and greasy food from the bar on a hot day, filled their SUV. Sadie inhaled the sweet fragrant smell and felt giddy. She had really, really missed this town.
Nicholas slowly opened his eyes after sleeping the entire one-hour-and-twenty-minute drive. Even Jayna turned off her phone and removed her ear plugs. They were going to be just fine on their first vacation without their mom; Sadie could feel it.
The door was always left unlocked to the cottage, which Sadie loved about the feel and safety of th
e small beach town. Kurt barely shifted their SUV into park before the doors flew open and they were all dashing inside the cottage.
Sadie took her laundry basket and backpack straight to the room she and Jayna shared. It was updated three years ago to an almost exact replica from a page in the Pottery Barn Teen Magazine.
There were two kids’ bedrooms—one decorated for girls and one for boys. Both were decked out in a beachy, surf motif with surfboards as shelves and pictures of seashells and starfish on the walls. The comforters had huge Hawaiian-looking flowers on them, and even the furniture was a distressed beachy pale blue and sea green.
Within minutes, Sadie, Jayna, and Nicholas all had their bathing suits on and were running through the thick sand to the water. Sadie was chasing Nicholas with a bottle of spray-on sunscreen because she knew he wouldn’t stay still long enough for her to apply the lotion.
They hit the water full throttle, and luckily didn’t go into instant shock. The chalkboard inside the cottage had reported the water temperature to be a steamy seventy-five degrees, very warm for Lake Michigan. It still felt cool against the hot afternoon sun, but Sadie knew Nicholas was not going to let her chill out in her beach chair just yet.
Jumping waves for a half an hour tired Sadie out, and she coaxed Nicholas onto the shore with a promise to build sand castles and eat Cheeze Kurls. Jayna was lying on her back with her eyes closed, ear buds in, foot thumping to her music, and sucking on a piece of cherry licorice. Kurt had promised he’d be out to play with Nicholas as soon as he unloaded the cooler and put away the groceries. Sadie figured he was probably sneaking in a call to Marissa as well.
Sadie dried off and dumped the bag of sand toys out for Nicholas when she caught site of Travis playing catch with a football in front of the cottage next door. He was facing her and gave her a wave mid-throw. She suddenly felt silly for the way she was jumping and splashing in the water with Nicholas, making motor-boat noises and acting more like a twelve-year-old than a sixteen-year-old.
She waved back to Travis and quickly plopped down in her beach chair and grabbed her book. Her heart fluttered and she felt nervous to talk to Travis, which was stupid, really. She had known Travis her whole life, had built sand castles next to him for hours on end on this very beach.
She heard the familiar ding from her cell announcing she had a new text message, which she figured was probably from Dylan. She immediately felt guilty for the nervous excitement she felt towards Travis. Sadie knew she would be absolutely lost without Dylan, so who cared what Travis thought—why not just walk up and say hi, as she had every year of her life?
Kurt’s voice caught her off guard. “Did you say hi to Travis yet? Looks like he brought a friend this year. You can still change your mind, Sadie. I don’t care if you want Myla and Kyla to stay with us for a few nights.”
Sadie ignored her father’s first question. “Not this year, I just kinda feel like being alone. Maybe at the end, for a night or two, I’ll ask Myla and Kyla to visit. I don’t know . . .” Sadie trailed off and grabbed her sunscreen and sunglasses from her beach bag just as Nicholas yelled for their dad to dig with him.
Kurt collected a shovel and several buckets from the pile and began digging with Nicholas. “We’re gonna build the biggest sand castle this beach has ever seen,” he told his son, dropping to his knees.
Sadie noticed her dad had lost some weight. The small dad gut he was starting to accumulate over the years was gone. His facial features even stood out more; he looked more defined, a little older but actually better than he had in a long time. He was wearing the sunglasses and swim shorts Sadie and Jayna picked up for him at the mall last week.
Kurt had given the girls his credit card along with his measurements and asked them to pick up a few summer outfits for their vacation. Besides a few golf shirts, Kurt went from his daily work suits and ties to his old T-shirts and ratty cargo shorts from summers past. Even his swimming trunks were old and faded from the chlorine of their pool, so updating was a necessity, Sadie informed him.
Sadie and Jayna actually had a lot of fun shopping for their father and made sure he was going to be the hippest dad in this small town. As Sadie was watching her brother and dad play, she was stricken when she realized he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. When did he stop wearing it?
Sadie thought of Marissa. Did she ask him to stop wearing it? Would she dare show up at the cottage over the next two weeks?
Before Sadie knew what happened, she had been splattered with sand. She flew out of her chair with a scream and began to spit sand out of her mouth. It was caked onto her lips, since she had just applied lip protector, and glued to her body via her oily sunscreen.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to skid out in the sand and douse you. Travis threw it long, and I thought I could catch it no problem. Are you okay?”
Thank God Sadie had her sunglasses on, saving her eyes from the sand. She gritted sand in her teeth and muttered, “I’m fine.”
Travis came running up, handing a bottle of water to Sadie. “My fault—I threw it a little long.”
As Sadie swished the water in her mouth and spit it out, she saw Travis’s friend glare at him. Something told her that Travis threw the ball long on purpose.
“Well, Sadie, this is Cody. Cody, this is Sadie.” Travis picked up the football and began to toss it in his hands nervously. “Hey, Mr. Booker.” He nodded towards the shore. “Hey, Nicholas. Hey, Jayna.”
Kurt and Nicholas said hi to Travis through their chuckles. Sadie was glad she could give everyone a laugh. Jayna gave the boys a half smile and laid her head back down on her towel.
“My parents said to say hi. They’ll be out shortly—they’re still unpacking,” Travis informed Kurt.
Travis turned back towards Sadie and nudged her arm. A gesture that sent Sadie’s heart racing. “Uh . . . how about a swim?”
Sadie gave Travis and Cody a friendly glare as she tried to wipe the sand off her arms. “Are you going to splash me or just go straight for the dunk?”
Instantly, Travis put Sadie at ease. That old familiar feeling swept over her—she was used to being sarcastic and a little sassy with him. The dorkiness of the kid she used to know might be gone, but underneath the svelte teenage version, he was just the same old Travis that she had buried in this very sand a million times. How many times had they slept next to each other in sleeping bags on the beach chairs under the Big Dipper?
Travis threw his arms up. “No splashing or dunking, I promise.”
They hit the waves and Sadie took a deep breath as the water hit her belly button. She noticed Travis’s eyes go straight to her abdomen and then her chest. His eyes didn’t linger, and he averted them soon enough, but nonetheless Sadie saw the glance just before she dove into a wave. When she came up for air, Travis was right next to her.
Cody tackled Travis for the football, propelling him into Sadie. He caught the football with one hand and Sadie’s waist with the other as they plunged backward.
When they both popped out of the water, he held the ball up in the air and tightened his hold on Sadie. “Double save.”
He looked to Sadie. “Threesome?” They all giggled, formed a triangle, and played catch in the water.
Chapter 17
Sadie
Sadie told Dylan she loved him and tossed her cell phone on the nightstand. Jayna rolled in the bunk bed above her as Sadie closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the waves through the open window.
She liked keeping the window open and seeing the sheer curtains blowing from the breeze off the water. The damp sheets stuck to her skin, so she kicked them off and thought of the Jason Derulo song, “Want to Want Me,” where he sang, “It’s too hard to sleep. I got the sheets on the floor, nothin’ on me. And I can’t take it no more. It’s a hundred degrees.”
She had just closed her eyes when she heard a small ping on the window screen. She knew instantly it was Travis and Cody and hopped out of bed.
Sur
e enough, standing below her were two huddled figures trying to look inconspicuous. “Two minutes,” Sadie called down in a whisper. She felt in the dark for her shorts and tank in a pile on the floor and slipped them on.
The cottage was dark and silent as she exited through the sliding glass door, figuring it was the quietest. Not that Kurt would have really cared that she was going out. It seemed that, in Pentwater, there weren’t any real rules. What kind of trouble was there to get into anyway? Besides, she wasn’t with Dylan, and that always meant the rules were relaxed.
The three of them walked down the beach and over the sand dunes into the campground, hoping to see some other teenagers hanging out there. They walked up and down the rows of motor homes and trailers, smelling the smoke from the campfires and hearing the laughter from the lingering night owls sitting in circles around the glowing flames.
Cody took a big sniff. “I smell s’mores.”
“I smell dough boys,” said Travis, shaking his head.
“What the heck is a dough boy?” asked Cody.
Sadie and Travis both looked at each other and then at Cody in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding. You don’t know what a dough boy is?” Sadie teased.
Cody shook his head. “Never heard of it.”
“Dude, you’ve lived a sheltered life,” said Travis. “A dough boy is the best flippin’ homemade cinnamon roll you will ever have. You take the dough from a crescent roll and wrap it around a wooden dowel and cook it over the campfire until it’s golden. Then you roll the dough in a stick of butter until it’s dripping, and then roll it in cinnamon sugar. It’s freaking awesome! We’ll make some tomorrow night.”