by Jamie Berris
“Me either,” agreed Kurt.
For the first time, there was a lack of words between Kurt and Marissa, and they each took a bite. Marissa swallowed and put her hands in her lap.
“I’m not angry anymore, Kurt, about any of it. I mean it’s the past. What good is it going to do me to sit around and stew?”
Kurt shook his head. They really hadn’t talked much about Marcus and Marissa’s divorce and the fallout between Lydia and Marissa. “You were hurt badly, Marissa.”
“And you,” she pointed out.
Kurt nodded.
“I wish it hadn’t taken Lydia’s cancer for us to reconcile. I feel like we were cheated of four years of friendship because we were both so stubborn and proud. I guess I learned my lesson the hard way.”
“And what lesson was that exactly?”
“To simply be more forgiving and loving, less bitter and resentful. Life is too short.”
“You hold no grudges?” inquired Kurt.
“None. You?” asked Marissa.
“No grudges, but sometimes questions, okay, maybe sometimes a touch of resentment.”
“Ah, I went through that too, but I knew it was pointless and wouldn’t change what happened. I always admired your marriage. In fact, I spent too much time comparing the way Marcus treated me to how you treated Lydia. I did a lot of griping to Lydia those last few years Marcus and I were married. Lydia was such a good listener . . . an amazing friend.”
Kurt shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He felt like he needed to apologize for Lydia, even though he knew that was ridiculous. Instead, he pointed out to Lake Michigan. The sun looked as if it were riding steadily along the waves, glowing a magnificent shade of orange, casting out thousands of shimmering diamonds. A thin blanket of pinkish purple clouds hovered in the sky to complete the picture.
“I could watch the sun set every night for the rest of my life and never get sick of it,” said Kurt.
Marissa laughed. “It would be pretty hard to get sick of a sunset in Michigan, especially when it’s rare to get a glimpse of it from November through March.”
Marissa pushed her chair back and suggested a walk on the beach.
The sky was clear and the stars shone bright. Kurt and Marissa walked beneath the Big Dipper and an almost full moon. They walked barefoot, carrying their shoes, and Marissa took hold of Kurt’s warm hand. The water was still frigid, as expected in late May, but the sand still held the warmth of the sunny day.
“Ironic, isn’t it?” said Marissa, “How things work out. Or not work out, but, well, happen.” Marissa fumbled with her words. “I mean how unexpected things unfold throughout life. I never imagined I’d be walking hand in hand with you on the beach. I don’t know what to make of it. May I ask your thoughts?”
“You mean was it meant to be? Or are we just two lonely devastated people leaning on each other? Maybe it’s easy because there is no history or past to explain. Possibly we’re both taking a little revenge? Does it matter? Does it make a difference right now, right here tonight?”
Stunned, Marissa walked a few steps before responding. Kurt had been thinking about the two of them more than she thought. “Do you think in the slightest this is wrong?”
“If I did, I wouldn’t be here.”
“But you have considered it?”
“Sure, especially after being condemned by Sadie.”
“Okay, I’ll rephrase. Do you think this, us, is worth it, worth trying?”
Kurt was silent for what seemed like two minutes, but was probably only ten seconds. “You’re too stuck on hurting the kids and what other people might say or think about us.”
“Aren’t you?”
“Of course, I don’t want to hurt the kids, but it would be hard for them to accept anyone at this point. Kurt squeezed Marissa’s hand. “So to answer your question, yeah, I think it’s worth it.”
Chapter 12
Sadie
Here it was, an early summer Friday night, and Sadie was at home, washing window screens—lame. Dylan was two hours away, coaching a youth football camp, Myla was on vacation with her family, and Kyla was out on a date with a guy she met two weeks ago at the beach.
Nicholas and Sadie had the screens lined up across the back of the house. She gave Nicholas the scrub brush and a bottle of dish soap. After he lathered the screens, Sadie sprayed away the suds with the hose.
Every winter Lydia had taken the screens out of the window casings, and the following spring she lined them up and washed them before fitting them back in the windows. It felt good to Sadie to be productive. She had been doing all sorts of odd jobs around the house lately, in part to keep her occupied since Dylan was going to be working a lot this summer, but more so for Nicholas. He needed to learn how to do these simple chores. Lydia had always taken the time to teach her children how to fix things, clean things, and be handy. She was big on creating independent children.
As usual, Jayna wasn’t helping and was in a foul mood. Jayna was currently locked in her room. She had been mean to Nicholas all day, shooing him away if he came near her and yelling at him for bothering her by asking for a Popsicle while she was relaxing in the hammock, watching YouTube videos on her phone.
Her new thing was to disappear for an entire afternoon on her bike without bothering to let Sadie know she was leaving the house. Kurt, being at work, never knew she did this and would have freaked out if he caught wind of it. Sadie knew that her dad would leave it up to Sadie to make her stay put, or at least let someone know when she was leaving. But after all, Sadie was Jayna’s sister, not her mother.
Next week was supposed to be their annual trip to Pentwater. Every year, except last summer right after mom died, they rented the same cottage and spent two weeks loafing on the shores of Lake Michigan.
Their days in Pentwater consisted of basking in the sun, swimming, making sandcastles, riding bikes to town to shop, climbing Old Baldy, fishing, playing mini golf, eating ice cream, and making s’mores and dough boys over the campfire.
When Sadie was young, they went with Marissa, Marcus, and Paige, and of course the Sutherlands—Benton, Andrea, Bella, and Travis—were always there too. Since Lydia and Marissa’s fight, it had been just Sadie’s family and the Sutherlands.
Up until two summers ago, Sadie hadn’t paid much attention to Travis Sutherland in any way except someone to play in the sand with and climb the dunes next to. Somehow over the years though, he had gone from geeky family friend to smokin’ hot, and they had a two-week long summer fling the summer before their ninth grade year. They’d held hands in the sand dunes every chance they got, and they even kissed a few times.
Man, how Sadie’s life had changed over the past two summers. Her mom hadn’t yet been diagnosed with cancer, and she had only kissed one other boy besides Travis.
Travis and Sadie kept in touch the rest of August and September of that year, but then his phone calls and emails were fewer and farther between and stopped completely by mid-October. Once she met Dylan a couple of weeks later, she rarely thought of Travis, until recently.
Sadie was still completely in love with Dylan, but for some reason, the past couple of weeks she couldn’t help but wonder if she would soon be hanging out with Travis. Sadie would never admit it out loud to anyone, not even Myla or Kyla, but she really wanted to see him.
Maybe it wasn’t simply Travis; possibly it was his whole family that she missed. They brought back memories of endless summer vacations when life was simple. Whatever it was, she had a longing to go on their annual vacation to Pentwater.
The last time she saw Travis (besides their family Christmas card picture) was briefly at her mom’s funeral. He was there along with his family and gave Sadie an awkward hug and told her he was sorry. Sadie thanked him and was quickly swept up in someone else’s arms. By the time she could escape all the agonizing condolences, Travis was gone. Sadie wondered if he saw Dylan by her side, giving her a kiss before leaving that day.
Kurt h
adn’t mentioned anything about Pentwater all summer, and neither Sadie nor Jayna had brought it up to him. Last year it came and went without a thought, but now that it had been over a year since her mom died, Sadie knew she was ready to go back. Lately it was all she could think about. So how was she going to bring it up to her dad?
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jayna ran up behind Sadie with a bucket of water, soaking both her and Nicholas. In an instant, Sadie was pulled out of her Pentwater dreams. Before Sadie could even react, Jayna shot Sadie with the hose, soaking her entire front. She threw the hose down with a squeal and ran the opposite way.
“Get her with your sudsy brush,” Sadie yelled to Nicholas.
Just like that, Jayna was out of her funk. The siblings kept filling the bucket with soapy water and sudsing each other until at last they gave up and jumped in the pool, fully clothed. Nicholas was bobbing around his sisters with his swimmies around his arms in pure delight.
Kurt stopped trimming the bushes and did a cannon ball in the pool, sending waves over Nicholas’s head. He was laughing deeply from his little belly, begging his dad to do it again.
Nicholas stood proudly at the edge of the pool and jumped in: doing every twist and turn he could to get his father’s attention. “Watch, Dad! Look at me! Watch this!” They all cheered as he splashed his way to the ladder, climbed out, and raced toward the diving board.
For weeks, Sadie had been urging him to jump off the board and into her arms below, but he hadn’t quite mustered up the courage. But with Dad present, well, of course, that was all it took. Before he could even think about it, Nicholas stepped up onto the diving board and kept on going. He never even paused to jump, just basically ran right off the edge.
Kurt, Sadie, and Jayna all swam towards Nicholas as he popped up and sputtered water out of his mouth. His eyes were as big as saucers, and Sadie thought for sure he had taken a gulp of water and was going to panic and cry, when instead, he started clapping. “WOOHOO, NICHOLAS!” he cheered for himself.
They practiced swimming in the shallow end without Nicholas’s swimmies on. Sadie had been working with him, and he was doing really well. He just needed a bit of confidence. Tonight, in front of his dad, he swam the entire width of the pool underwater with no help. Sadie felt so proud, knowing she had taught her little brother how to swim.
That night, Nicholas and Jayna both ended up in Sadie’s bed, which was tight, even if it was a queen. Nicholas was out the second he laid his head on the pillow. Jayna and Sadie were writing on each other’s backs, as usual. Jayna confessed to stealing Sadie’s green eye shadow and eating the last ice cream sandwich in the freezer, which Sadie had clearly marked “SADIE’S” with an orange Sharpie.
Sadie wrote out a long sentence to Jayna about asking their dad if he could take them on vacation to Pentwater. Jayna wrote back that they should write him a letter. Sadie responded with, “First thing in the morning.” Jayna wrote, “I love you.” “Me too,” Sadie wrote back.
Chapter 13
Sadie
Dylan took Sadie to a party at Libby Burton’s house, and it really sucked. Libby had just graduated along with Dylan, and for the most part, everyone there had just graduated or was about to enter their second year of college. Normally the two-year gap didn’t bother Sadie, but it did tonight. The talk was all about packing up and moving into dorm rooms.
Sadie felt like an outcast, like all the girls were whispering about her, telling secrets and giggling. They probably weren’t. Sadie had hung with the girls in Dylan’s class a lot, but she suddenly felt really young. She still had two years of high school left, was about to start her junior year, and they were all talking about the university adventures they were about to embark on. Most of them were sloppy drunk, and Sadie knew better than to feel insecure—it really wasn’t her style—but tonight felt different.
Normally, Sadie always felt protected. Dylan always went out of his way to make her feel comfortable around all his friends, male or female, and Sadie had made some new friends herself. As the summer weeks had passed and the reality set in that Dylan would be leaving for college in the fall, it seemed like everything was slowly unraveling.
She told herself she was just afraid of change. With everything she had been through, she could definitely admit outright that she was afraid of losing Dylan. Didn’t most girls in her situation feel the same? Or was she overly sensitive because of losing her mom?
Dylan was going to a university about thirty-five miles away. Sure, he would be leaving her, but he assured her they would see each other all the time. He was only a half an hour away, he reminded her. Dylan guaranteed Sadie they would see each other on both weeknights and weekends, aside from his lacrosse, rushing for a fraternity, her tennis, and both of them studying.
“Don’t be such a pessimist,” he had said when she mentioned that he’d be too busy for her. She had also said something about Dylan being surrounded by a bunch of floozies, day and night—trying to steal her guy. As soon as she said it, she regretted it. She did sound insecure, desperate, and pathetic! What was up with that?
She wished she had taken Myla and Kyla up on their offer to hang out at Myla’s grandmother’s house. Myla’s grandmother lived in a huge beautiful Victorian house, all alone. Her grandpa died two years ago. Myla spent a lot of time with her grandma, helping her out with yard work and cleaning. Grandma Susie was always asking Myla to sleep over with “those two cute girlfriends.”
Sadie could picture them now, sitting on the front porch in rockers, eating homemade cookies, and drinking real lemonade made with fresh squeezed lemons and sugar. Later they would be playing rummy or cribbage with Grandma Susie while sipping chocolate milkshakes that she made from her old time shake mixing machine.
Plenty of times they would lie in the grass next to the rose garden and stare up at the stars and talk until the wee hours of the night. Myla’s grandma loved to tell old stories about growing up in a house with six other siblings, four sisters and two brothers. Sadie thought listening to an old woman reminisce about her life sounded way more exciting than the party or being with Dylan.
Maybe it was her, she thought. Maybe she was reading into nothing. Maybe she was just in a mood, a funk. She wanted her two best friends and their simple, uncomplicated friendship.
Sadie figured Dylan was probably off in the garage with the guys and would come up behind her any minute with a kiss, but he never did. She found him when it was time for her to be home, and he acted slightly annoyed that he had to leave the party.
Now as she lay in bed, she was questioning everything all over again. Was this how relationships unraveled? Was this how things fizzled out? Should she expect the call from him soon saying he wanted to take a break or he just wanted to be friends? He was going off to college. Why would he want to date a junior in high school?
She was startled when her cell rang. “Hey, babe, I felt like we didn’t get to spend any time together tonight since you ran off with the girls. Can you sneak out and meet me at the end of the road. I’m here waiting, p-l-e-a-s-e.”
Every bone in her body was telling her to say no, but of course, what came out was a pathetic, desperate, yes. If Dylan was slipping away, she was determined to do everything to make him want her, and only her, as his girlfriend.
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Sadie, wait.”
“What?”
“Wear the black lace bra and panties I got you for Valentine’s Day.”
She hung up without saying anything because she felt a stab in her stomach. As if all the air had just been sucked out of her sails. But why? Plenty of times she had snuck out to be with Dylan. Why was this time any different? Was sex all he wanted her for now? Was she just being paranoid over nothing?
Chapter 14
Sadie
Sadie and Jayna had written a letter to their dad, explaining to him that they thought their mom would want them to stick with their traditional summer vacation in Pentwater. They w
ere ready for their first family vacation without their mom, and they missed “their cottage” that they had rented year after year since they were babies.
Kurt wrote a letter back to his daughters, saying that he had planned on it as a surprise and booked it months ago. He was glad he didn’t have to keep it secret any longer because he could really use their help planning and packing.
So Sadie had spent the better part of the last two days getting all the laundry caught up. She then packed all the clean clothes in laundry baskets, just as her mom always did. Instead of duffle bags or suitcases, Lydia used laundry baskets to haul their clothes, toiletries, beach gear, and pantry foods.
Ever since Sadie could remember, the days before they left for Pentwater were exciting. When she was younger, she would ask her mom every other minute how many hours until they left. Sadie would start a daily countdown on the chalkboard in the kitchen the month before, and then it would change to an hourly countdown around seventy-two hours prior.
She always had a hard time falling asleep the night before they left. Sadie remembered sneaking downstairs to see her mom in the kitchen, packing up the food. It would be dark outside, and she would have all the windows open in the house, letting the warm summer night breeze roll through. The echo of crickets and frogs would be ringing loudly as Sadie tiptoed through the house to spy on her dad next.
Kurt would be outside in the garage, packing up fishing gear, hobo pie makers, beach toys, and filling the bike tires with air. He would wash and scrub everything, which Sadie never understood since they were heading to the beach to live in a sea of sand for the next two weeks. Her dad would meticulously load all their belongings up in the small trailer he attached to the back of their old blue Suburban.
Before Sadie could read, Lydia would hand her a list of pictures cut out of magazines. There were three pages of neon orange construction paper with pictures of lifejackets, sunscreen, beach towels, sand toys, bug spray, flip-flops, and so on—all things for Sadie to collect around the house and put in a designated laundry basket. Once Sadie completed each sheet, Lydia would give her a Popsicle or a new container of bubbles.