“Take me!” I screamed, wishing for the darkness to run though me. I wanted it to suffocate me, drown me, numb the agonizing misery. Just make it all go away…
“Cheyenne!” Callon’s voice broke through and strong arms pinned me to the bed.
The shadows poured over me in waves and I pushed him away.
“Cheyenne!” Callon bellowed. “Wake up!”
Let it take me. Let it take me and let this miserable life be done with. Leave me be, and let the darkness take my pain away forever…
“Cheyenne!” Daniel screeched. “We’re here! We’re right here! Come back!”
A stinging sensation radiated against my cheek, but it only lasted for a moment.
“Do it again!” Maes screamed.
My head rolled to the side and my eyes shot open as heat rose in my cheek. Firm hands suddenly grasped my face and forced it upright. I blinked. Callon was straddled over the top of me, Maes and Daniel close by. They were staring, horrified.
“Breathe, Cheyenne, breathe,” Maes said. My mouth opened and I gasped as air filed my lungs. I closed my eyes as the tears continued to pour out. Why hadn’t they let me go?
“Where are you?” Callon whispered as he stroked my cheek. “Come back, I need you.”
I pulled away from his grasp and rolled to my side. He moved to sit beside me, cradling my head in his arms.
“It was just a dream, sweetheart,” he spoke quietly. “It was nothing more than a dream.”
I knew it was more than just a dream. It was me wanting to get away. I was withdrawing, seeking refuge from this horrible reality I’d created.
My breathing slowed and my racing heart calmed, but nothing could remove the ache in my chest. Not Callon, not Daniel, not Maes. Colt was the only one who could save me and he was gone.
“I need you to get dressed.” Callon said quietly. “We’re going to be leaving soon.”
I pushed him away and rolled out of bed. Once in the bathroom, I leant on the closed door, staring at the mirror. An unrecognizable woman stared back, and my hand flew to my mouth. They didn’t need words to work out what was going on; the answer was standing clear for all to see.
My blue eyes had faded to a drab grey, my once bright blond hair was dull and lifeless. There was no color in my cheeks, only a sickly pallor. A cloak of something dark and vicious lurked just under the surface, draining me from the inside. It was a violent storm cloud waiting to erupt into something bigger.
A knock at the door jarred me back into the present and I opened it. Callon gently pushed his way in. His hands grasped my shoulders, but I refused to meet his eyes. He didn’t need to see any further inside. He sighed, then hesitated, unsure what to say next.
“You have to fight this, Cheyenne,” he said. “But you can’t do this alone. I want to help you. You have to let me in.”
I stared at the ground, my mind growing foggier by the moment. I had to push everything down deep, push it all away and hibernate in my safe place…
“Cheyenne.” He took my chin and forced my head up. “Listen to me.” His hazel eyes—always so calm and controlled—were now full of uncertainty. “I can’t…I won’t lose you to this. We’re all hurting, but you have to fight through this. Do you hear me?”
I snapped my eyes shut. I didn’t want to fight anymore.
He drew me into his chest, his warm lips pressing against my cheek. “I can’t lose you…I can’t.” He softly rubbed my back. “If I could bring Colt back for you I would, but he’s gone.” His voice faltered. “I want him back as much as you do. I feel as if a part of me has been ripped away. We have to fight through this together.”
I heard his worthless words, and frowned. He’d bring him back, yet he was the one who’d banished Colt to begin with.
Callon pulled away, his shoulders firming with determination.
“I’ve ordered you a meal. You’ll eat and drink before we leave this morning. You’ll not run off to spit it out.”
I said nothing, remembering my behavior at the airport. I had no need for food now, it was all tasteless. Meaningless.
His eyes narrow slightly waiting for me to acknowledge him. I responded by looking away.
“Get dressed, I’ll be back in five minutes.”
By the time I was done, Callon was waiting near the door. He pointed towards the main room and I followed behind him. Daniel and Maes were standing in the corner, and a small table with covered plate’s lay before them. Daniel pulled the chair out and I sat.
My eyes fell towards the windows; the predawn light was arriving. I’d have my sunlight soon and maybe that would keep those dark demons at bay for a while.
“Eat, Cheyenne,” Callon said as he uncovered the dishes. The sight of breakfast alone made me nauseated.
Maes pushed the fork closer. I picked it up and began moving the eggs around on the plate. Taking one small bite, the tasteless mixture settled to the side of my mouth. I couldn’t bring myself to swallow.
“Another,” Maes said. I took a second bite, once again pushing it to the side.
I reached for my napkin only to have it taken away.
Maes shook his head. “Swallow it.”
I closed my eyes and forced myself to swallow the now mushy mixture, gagging slightly before it settled in my stomach.
“All of it,” Callon added as I was about to put my fork down.
Reluctantly, I finished the meal as best I could; spreading the items around to make it appear I’d eaten more.
Maes pushed a glass of orange juice before me. “You need to drink too, Cheyenne,” Maes said.
I stared at it unmoving.
“If you’d just say a few words, mon espoir, you won’t have to drink it.”
If I’d just say something…I had no words to say. Nothing I said would bring back my Colt. Nothing would change all the mistakes I’d made, nothing would bring me out of the pits of despair. Nothing would turn back time…
My fingers grasped the cold glass and I closed my eyes as the liquid touched my lips. Odd that it was sour, but somehow fitting to how bitter my life had been.
I placed the glass on the table and Maes turned away, but not before I caught a glimpse of his own sorrow. I was his hope, his only hope and now I was fading away.
Callon grasped my arm and we headed for the door. I kept my head bowed to avoid further eye contact. I didn’t need to be reminded of yet another task I’d failed at.
By the time we made it to the front entrance, I couldn’t help but feel a bit off. My foot missed a step, but Callon was quick to pull his arm around and help me inside the car.
Maes turned around in the front seat.
“You’ll fight through this, mon espoir, you’re stronger than the darkness.” His accent thickened. “You’ll find your courage again someday, your light will return.”
Daniel pulled out of the parking lot, my heart numbing in the process. My eyes wanted to water, but it was if everything inside had dried up. I instead focused on the shadows retreating from the dark alleyways. The sun, my light was finally emerging from the night. Flecks of streaming rays poked through the clouds and I blinked trying to clear the blurred spots from my vision.
What was wrong with me now? Wasn’t it enough already? I was suffering, dying on the inside and now my eyes were throwing me a curve ball as well. The objects outside began spinning and I had to close my eyes.
“It’s okay, Cheyenne, rest now,” Callon said softly.
What had he done?
My head suddenly became too heavy and rocked to Callon’s shoulder. I felt the heavy weight of emptiness ready to push me under.
“Sleep now, love.” A warm caress touched my forehead. “You’re going to be just fine. I’ll take care of you.”
Without any strength left, I inhaled deeply and allowed the darkness to win.
Chapter 2
Alone…alone…alone…
The words filtered through my mind and I gasped for air, sitting straight up. Covers tangle
d around me like a snake snaring its prey, and I fought to dislodge myself. I tumbled to the floor, trembling.
I was no longer in the car.
A flickering to the right caught my eye. The last remnants of sunshine were streaming through a window. The deep shadows were coming again and panic set in. I raced to the panes and watched as the light drifted down over the horizon.
No! My fist hit the window in protest, rattling the old frame.
I stepped back, and pressed my shaking hands to my face. What was I to do now? My breaths were becoming erratic as I studied my surroundings. This must have been the house in Ireland Callon had talked about. The home we all were supposed to find safety in, but there was no safety for Colt…
I clawed at my face as the words ran through me again. Alone…alone…alone… I was once again alone. There was no sunshine, there was no Colt, no mom and dad. It was just me in this prison of misery with no escape.
I’d brought this all upon myself, this was my fault.
I ran for the door and threw it open. The hall was dark, and a shiver rushed through me. I couldn’t face the shadows. Inhaling a shaky breath, I retreated back into the room. My arms came around myself, trying to hold off the inevitable.
I had to stop this.
Creeping backwards towards the bed, my foot hit something. Callon’s medical bag was resting by the door. I ripped it open, breaking the lock in the process. Frantically I dumped the contents on the floor and began shoving the small bottles around.
He’d given me something before we left the hotel, he must have. I wouldn’t have slept otherwise. I twisted a small bottle towards the dim lighting, but couldn’t make out the name. I dropped it and grabbed another. They were all medicines, all meant to take pain away. What did it matter which one I chose?
My fingers scrambled for a needle and I shoved it in the bottle, draining it completely. Whatever he’d given me before worked, it would numb the misery and force me to forget.
My shaking hands plunged the needle into my arm and I dispersed the drug. I leaned back against the bed waiting for the effects to take place. Minutes passed, and nothing happened. Of course, I was Timeless now, I’d need to increase the dose. I ripped open another bottle and filled it again, stabbing it into my arm for a second time.
My right hand fell limp before I could remove the needle and my head slumped. The darkness crept over me, and I began to sink into its depths.
Loud noises broke through as I began to drift to that place of nowhere and nothing…my sanctuary.
“Cheyenne!” Callon shouted and caught me as I tumbled to the floor. “What’ve you done?!”
He yanked the needle from my arm and searched for the bottle. Daniel’s blurry form hovered above me and the dark shadow I’d come to know was cursing in French.
“Chey…” Daniel choked. Tears brimmed in his eyes and he drew me closer. “Why? Why are you trying to hurt yourself?”
He didn’t understand, none of them did. My mind was a constant whirlwind of tragic events, I couldn’t take them anymore. Couldn’t face the mistakes I’d made, the lives I’d sacrificed, the loved ones I’d hurt. I couldn’t face knowing I was the reason Colt was dead. And all the while this uncontrollable power raged inside, waiting for an excuse to take over. It promised to take the pain away, to leave my broken heart in peace. I had no use for dreams anymore. I should let it win…
“She’s not going anywhere,” Callon said fiercely as he jabbed another shot into my arm.
The mind numbing heaviness swamped over and I closed my eyes. Fingers touched my neck and all other thoughts drifted to grey. That smoky emptiness that gave me a temporary peace.
My heavy lids opened and I blinked. Light filled the space.
“Cheyenne.” The warmth in Daniel’s voice brought little comfort. “Cheyenne, don’t go away. I need you.” He moved to the side of the bed, his eyes full of gloom. “I lost my brother…I can’t bear the thought of losing you too. Please!”
I turned away, only to be confronted by Maes’s shadow.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Rage dripped from his voice. “You think you’re the only one to have ever suffered a loss? Do you honestly think you can just give up and run away?” He snatched my arm to drag me out of bed when Callon’s hand clamped over.
“Don’t,” Callon growled. “Leave her be.”
“Are you growing weak as well, Callon?” Maes snapped back.
“No, I’m finally growing wiser.”
Maes snarled.
“So it’s wise for her to think it’s okay to run away whenever things get tough?”
“She’s not running away.”
“Then what do you call what just happened? An accidental overdose?”
Callon didn’t reply.
Maes let go of me and stepped back, shaking his head. “You’re a fool, Callon.”
“Fools never admit to their mistakes,” Callon shot back. “I’ve pushed her too far. I left her with few choices, and denied her the one thing that gave her happiness. This was bound to happen.”
“So then what?”
“We wait.”
“Chey,” Daniel called out again. “You can do this. I believe in you.”
Tears I couldn’t control rose to the surface. Colt’s last words were I believe in you…
I buried my face in my hands and curled into a tight ball. How could anyone believe in me? I was an utter failure. Everyone who came in contact with me suffered in some way. And the ones I’d opened my heart to…all were dead and gone. Was my love that tainted? Destined to hurt those it touched?
If that was the case, I truly deserved to be swallowed up in darkness.
I stared at the wall as I sat in the chair. Rain was pelting the window, falling from the grizzled sky. The sunlight and warmth were further away than ever, and slowly I felt the darkness slide closer. My only barrier against the endless pain.
“Is she ever coming back?” Daniel whispered.
Callon replied with a deep sigh.
“I feel so lost, Callon,” Daniel said. “I wish…”
“So do I,” Callon said. “So do I.”
Time must have passed, but I wasn’t following, remaining in my seat. Food came and went, and I ate only what was needed. Why I still wanted to stay alive I didn’t understand, but something inside wouldn’t allow me to give up yet. Was it my rage, unwilling to forgive being dealt this awful hand, or was it something more? Was it a nagging feeling that maybe this was just a dream, I would suddenly wake up, and realized Colt had never died? Or was it that deep down I knew Colt would have wanted me to live? My parents would’ve told me to fight for what I believed in… but what I believed in was gone.
I’d never had a choice from the beginning. I’d been fooled into believing I could be with Colt, could choose the one I loved and wanted to be with, only to have it torn away.
They’d all played a part in this: destiny, Callon, and Colt. They’d each given me false hope. It was supposed to be this way, Callon had said. We were always meant to be together. But if we were always meant, then why did Colt have to work his way into my heart as well?
Callon had the rings, and he’d not hesitated to use them to his advantage just like Marcus. But Colt, he’d had my friendship. From the start he’d worked on me to fall in love with him. It’d felt natural regardless of the fact he was meant as my protector. With Callon I’d been forced into the situation. Yet while it’d been awkward to begin with, I’d grown to love him, too.
Really when it all came down to it, I had no choice of my own. Everything had been set out and I was forced to confront destiny. No matter how I’d tried, it had won in the end.
I had to follow its plan.
“Happy Birthday, Cheyenne.”
Daniel’s soft voice caused me to look up. I’d been lying on the bed, as I often did since coming to Ireland. Everything had lumped together in a haze, and I’d not realized what day it was. I glanced towards him, and spotted a small pink c
upcake on a crisp white plate set before me, a single candle burning.
My light…
“I’m here, Cheyenne,” Colt whispered. “I said I’d always be your light, I promised to never leave you, remember?” His fingers brushed the stray hairs from my eyes and I grasped for his hand, pulling it to my chest.
A carefree smile broke over his lips. “You remember when I took you for a hike?”
I nodded.
“I led you to a mountain meadow.”
“I remember,” I whispered as my mind drifted towards that memory.
It was warm, the perspiration was running down my brow as I climbed the hill. Colt stood waiting, his playful eyes meeting mine.
“Hurry up,” he called out.
“What’s the rush?” I asked knowing he was anxious to show me his surprise. I suddenly stopped and plopped down on a tree stump just to be stubborn. “I’m exhausted.”
He stalked towards me and I giggled.
“Seriously, Cheyenne, you can do better than that.” He rolled his eyes and grasped my hand.
“You’re so pushy,” I laughed.
We paused at the top between the trees and I became still. He’d brought me to a field, where thousands of bright yellow wildflowers with patches of red poppies danced in the breeze. Colt pulled me forward and wrapped his arms around.
“Look, your own personal patch of sunshine.” He grew silent, more thoughtful. “I didn’t think I’d ever find anything as close to heaven as this.” He looked at me and I knew he wasn’t talking about the flowers.
“You made me a crown out of flowers,” I said.
“I did. I told you you’d always be my princess.”
I blinked away the tears.
“Cheyenne.”
“Yes?”
“You’ll always be my princess.”
“I love you, Colt,” I whispered.
“I love you too. I’ll always be with you…”
Tears streamed down my cheeks as Colt’s image faded from my vision.
“Cheyenne?”
My eyes cleared enough to see the remnants of the candle burning and Callon holding my hand.
“I miss him so much.” Callon was speaking differently, in a tone of voice I’d never heard before. It cut through my despair, reaching far enough to touch my place of retreat. “I was breaking our family apart. I was the one who was so determined to push you in the right direction. I’m the one to blame for all of this, not you. It’s because of you that I realized how much my family meant to me. It’s because of you my heart aches…because of what I put you through. I’m so sorry…” His head lowered as the candlelight faded away.
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