by Karen Deen
“Would that be such a bad thing?” he mumbled under his breath, but I still heard.
“Luke. Seriously, you need to stop. We need to get back to normal.”
“This is normal. I keep being annoying and you keep telling me to stop it. The only thing you haven’t said yet that usually comes from my family is that I need to grow up.”
“I’m pretty sure you are all man, Luke. There’s no dispute there. No growing up needed.”
“See, it’s not just me. Now you’re flirting, too.”
We sat looking at each other. Luke was trying so hard to behave and hold a serious conversation, just as much as I was.
“I think the only thing we can do is just forget that last night happened and just act normal like we always do.” My head told me that was the right thing to say, but my heart grew sad that we couldn’t be anything more than friends.
“Yes, yes, you’re right. That’s what we need to do. Do you think you will be able to do that? Just forget about it?” His pleading look had me confused. I wasn’t sure if he was hoping I’d say I could forget and move on, or if he was hoping I’d say no, I wanted more.
My heart wanted him badly, but my head did the only thing it could.
“Yes, it’s what we have to do. We’re good friends and we need to stay there. As crappy as it sounds, I’m friend-zoning you, Luke. Agreed?” I released a sad sigh.
He attempted to bring himself to answer, but like me, he struggled to find the words.
Luke
My heart hurt as the words left my lips. “Unfortunately, I agree. Friend-zoned it is. Even though those words suck and taste like sour lemons.”
That brought a smile to her face. I always used humor to get me through tough spots in my life, including when I felt nervous, anxious or needed to hide my embarrassment. Most of all, humor helped hide my hurt. Convincing myself that we were in the friend zone was definitely hurting. It was time to be the comedian. It would also help Zoe to move past that awkward feeling of being around me after our explosive kiss. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for another of those kisses.
We both sat for a moment staring at each other, trying to process everything while hiding away our feelings.
“Right, let’s get this car situation sorted, shall we?” I needed to change the conversation and find a place where Zoe and I could just get back to acting normal around each other.
“I told you that you don’t need to worry, Luke. I’m fine catching the bus and walking. It’ll keep me fit and stop me getting any larger than I already am.” With that comment, she dropped her eyes and pushed food around her plate.
“Wait, what did you say? Don’t you dare think there’s anything wrong with you.” My voice was forceful and came out louder than necessary. It startled Zoe, causing her to jump. Reaching across, I tilted her chin with my fingers, bringing her eyes to me.
“I may not be able to touch your body or taste every inch of you, but never forget how fucking hot you are. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, you need to worry about changing. If anyone ever tries to tell you differently then they will answer to me. Do you understand?” My voice was low and full of want for what I couldn’t have. We both knew it. The whole situation was one I didn’t know how either one of us would contain.
Her eyes were filled with lust, the blush coloring her cheeks and breasts. It was driving me crazy. Unable to hold back, I ran my thumb along her bottom lip and she released a soft moan.
“Oh, Zoe. This friend-zone shit is so hard. I’m not sure how well I’m going to go at playing this game with you,” I quietly whispered, lowering my face to hers. Our lips like magnets.
Just as I was about to take what was mine, she jumped so quickly from her chair that it shot backward and she headbutted me in the nose.
“Luke, please, we can’t. I can’t do this.” Zoe scrambled to put distance between us.
I cursed with pain and clutched my nose. “Shit!” I reeled back, feeling for any blood. “If that’s what I get for going near you, I promise it won’t happen again. I get it, Zoe, no touching.”
We stare at each other, speechless. Then it started. Zoe’s body shook, struggling to hide her giggle. Despite the pain, I couldn’t help it either. The laughter came pouring out of me and Zoe quickly followed. She laughed until tears streamed down her face.
“I’m sorry,” she managed between fits of laughter, gasping for breath as she held her sides.
“You have to admit, it broke the moment,” she continued, doubled over.
“Yeah, that it did. It nearly broke my nose, too, but hey, let’s not worry about that.” It felt good laughing with her. The sound of her laugh was like music to my soul.
“Try explaining that one to Grant. Yes, big brother, Zoe broke my nose when I tried to kiss her.” That brought another round of laughter from us both.
“Stop it. I can’t breathe, and my sides hurt.” Zoe fell to her knees holding her sides as she doubled over with laughter.
“Well, I may not be able to kiss you but at least I can still make you laugh.”
“You sure can. Now, if I could just stop.” We both pulled back, relieved the awkwardness had faded.
After a few minutes, only our breathing could be heard as we settled our heart rates down so we could have a normal conversation.
“Now, if you could just stay on that side of the room so I am not in any danger, let’s discuss leaving now to pick up the car you’re going to use. Before you open that mouth and try to say anything, you can keep it closed. You either take one of my cars to use or every time you walk out your front door, I will be sitting there waiting to give you a lift wherever you want to go.”
“Now you’re being ridiculous. You don’t have the time to be driving me around.”
“Exactly, that’s why it will be so much easier for you to use one of my cars. But rest assured, if you don’t, I will be finding the time to make sure I’m your personal chauffeur.”
“Will you wear the sexy hat? Maybe this could be a good option for me.”
“Or, maybe it’s a good excuse for me to have you in my truck every single day. So, what’ll it be?”
“On second thought, let’s talk about that car. I’m not sure I could put up with your music every single day. Let’s face it, your music is shit, Luke.”
“You have got to be kidding me! I play the best bangers. If you don’t like my music, then we can’t possibly be friends.”
Watching Zoe smile, joke, and relax, had me confident we could get through this. Still rubbing my nose, I made for the door.
“Come on, I’ll punish you the whole way to my house with my music, just because I can.”
“Christ, my ears are already bleeding just thinking about the trash I’m about to hear. Thank God I can play my music on the way home. I will need it to calm my brain down after the scramble it will be left in.”
Waiting for Zoe to gather her cell and handbag, I took one last look at her, wishing for what could possibly be, but dismissing the thought before I became too invested.
Pulling up outside my place, music pumping, heads moving to the beat, I’d tried my best to convince Zoe that my taste in music was better. She humored me with a smile.
“Okay, let’s go car shopping, woman, and pick your ride.” Leading her to my garage, I knew which car I’d want her to take, but this was a battle I wasn’t going to win. The door rolled up and I saw her eyes widen.
“Luke, I can’t drive any of these… they’re… um… too …”
“Too, what? Big? Sorry everything I own is big and beautiful.” She shot me a look that seared the back of my eye. I was unsure if it was due to my big comment or the fact I called her beautiful.
“No, you idiot. Too expensive. Shit. What if I damage it? I can’t afford to fix it. Thanks for the offer but I think the bus is far safer for me. I’m used to having a car like Lola, where it doesn’t matter if I scratch her or where I park. I couldn’t possibly leave any of these cars outside of my apart
ment. You’ve seen where I live, right?”
I had to admit, that did worry me. I loved my cars and worried about her neighbourhood, but what I cared more about was Zoe.
“Firstly, they are insured, so who cares if they get damaged. Secondly, yes, I know where you live and to be honest I worry far more about you living there than any of my damn cars. Fuck me, Zoe, they’re just cars. You are far more important to me. Don’t you know that?”
Her breath hitched, her face downcast. She just didn’t know how to accept a compliment. I didn’t know much about her background, but I got the feeling she was not used to anyone ever giving her compliments.
She was such a contradiction. When in the office, she was super confident and was the only PA that would take Grant on and not take shit from any of us. Outside of the office, she was a different person. I wished I knew why. I also wished I could get closer to her to suss her out.
“You can take them all for a test drive and see which makes you feel most comfortable. The Range Rover will be my preference for you, as it’s the safest car I own. Or, you have the Mustang which can get your heart racing every time you drive. The Mercedes will be easy to drive and is the smallest of them all. Take whichever you want but there’s one rule you need to follow. No sissy, girlie music in the Mustang. That would just be cruel to her.” I chuckled attempting to lighten the moment. I knew Zoe struggled accepting help. Come to think of it, she had never asked for anything, not once in all the years she worked for us. I watched from afar, wondering whether I’d ever seen the real Zoe.
There was a whole world hiding behind those eyes.
“If it’s a real problem, you take the truck and I’ll drive the Range Rover.” She still looked unconvinced. How else could I get her to accept my offer? Lock her in my truck and drive around with my music full volume until she gave in?
That might just work.
“No. No way am I making you give up your truck. You love driving it and you need it for work.” The confident Zoe returned, staring me down.
She fell silent, staring at the cars, the cogs in her brain turning as she weighed up the pros and cons of each car.
“I really don’t want to take any car, but I have a feeling you won’t give in. So, I will take the smallest of them and hopefully I can keep it safe.”
“Fuck, beautiful, aren’t you listening to what I’m saying? All I want is for you to be safe. Okay?” My hands clenched into fists. I wanted to reach out, take her in my arms, and make her believe I cared for her.
Silence hung while she took in everything I said.
“Thank you,” she finally said, albeit timidly.
Once more, she fell silent, contemplating her next words. Twice her mouth opened and closed like she had something she needed to say but didn’t know how. I didn’t know whether to push or wait until she was ready. Her hands clasped together, knuckles turning white, her breath quickening. Something was happening, and I grew confused watching her.
Her face was suddenly pale. her tongue nervously swiping her lower lip. Concerned, I stepped forward only to have Zoe shuffle away from me.
Her breathing had become erratic. “Zoe?” I tried to gain her attention without getting any closer. It didn’t work.
“W- what favor w-will you want me to do to you for this?” Looking fearful, she stuttered. There was practically no color left in her face and if she clenched her hands any tighter, she’d split the skin.
“What?” I asked, totally confused.
Her eyes darted around the room, unable to meet mine. “For the car. What sexual favours would you want for the car?”
What. The. Fuck
“Zoe, what the hell are you talking about? Talk to me, beautiful, let me help you.” I realized a little too late that she was in the middle of a panic attack.
“Just take a few deep breaths with me. Can you do that? Ready, breath in really slowly, now hold that breath. Good girl, now let it out nice and slow. Try it again.” Her eyes locked on me, and I tried to ease her mind.
“While you breathe, I’m just going to put my arms around you to stop you from shivering. Is that okay?” She nodded, slowly. I edged closer trying not to startle her again. Placing my hands gently on hers, I tried to relax her grip to separate them. “That’s it, just relax and keep those deep breaths going for me. Nice and slow.”
When she finally released her grip, I wrapped her arms around me and held Zoe against my hard chest. Placing her head over my heart, I slowly ran my hand over her head and down her back, whispering slowly, letting her know I was here for her. “I will never hurt you, Zoe, and you can guarantee I will never let anyone else, either.” Her stiff body started to mold against me. Seeing her like that scared the hell out of me.
Something had happened to my beautiful girl. When I found out who and what, they were dead, no questions asked. That I could guarantee.
8
Zoe
HOW WAS I GOING TO EXPLAIN this to Luke? I didn’t want him to know anything about my past. I never wanted those memories to be retold, especially since I’d buried them a long time ago. Well, I thought I did. Why after all this time, a panic attack?
“Just take your time, Zoe. No rush. I will hold you for as long as you need me to.” I wished that were true and I could stay in his arms forever and not have to explain what just happened. I could never tell Luke the truth because he would never look at me the same way again. I would have to leave my job and move out of town. Just when I thought I was finally in a place I could settle down and buy my own home.
Knowing I had to somehow explain myself, I pushed back from his warm body, and he reluctantly let me go. His hands slipped down, taking mine, his thumbs working gentle circles. It was such a small gesture but full of tenderness.
“Are you feeling better now?” I could feel him looking at me, yet I couldn’t meet his gaze. I felt shame for what had just happened. “You don’t need to tell me anything, Zoe, I just need you to tell me you’re feeling okay. That’s all I care about at the moment.”
“Getting there. I feel like I need some sleep, but I am okay,” I barely whispered.
Luke had given up waiting. His fingers hooked under my chin, lifting my face to his. The worry and compassion in his eyes hurt me. Knowing I had caused it made me feel even worse.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I’m so sorry.” What else could I say? I couldn’t explain it to Luke when I didn’t understand what had triggered me off.
His thumb stroked my cheek. “Beautiful, I don’t know what has happened in your life. Sure, I have a lot of questions and I feel the need to kill whoever has hurt you, but I don’t want you to think you have to explain anything to me. I hope in time you will trust me enough to share your worries. No matter what we tell each other, you know we are much more than friends, right?”
“I wish,” I whispered. “Thank you. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain but thank you for helping me today and not pushing me. I am so embarrassed right now. Do you think you could just take me home and we can worry about the car another day?”
“No.”
“Pardon?” My heart raced.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t be so rude. No, I am not going to take you home, Zoe. You need looking after today. Come inside and have a sleep while I make us some lunch. You need company. You’re just lucky I’m your winning ticket and you get to spend a day with Luke Stevenson, the funniest guy around.”
Humor was always Luke’s go-to when he was feeling off-balanced. I was not sure if he realised it or not. I’d been watching him for years and no matter what, he always used it as backup. My eyelids grew heavy. After I had any major panic attack, I always ended up so tired with a need to rejuvenate myself. It zapped all my energy. I preferred to crawl into my own bed and shut the world out, but Luke wouldn’t let that happen.
“I don’t want to be a bother. I guess you aren’t going to let me leave, though, so thank you. Maybe I can take a nap on your couch. If that
’s okay.”
He dragged me out of the garage before I could blink and change my mind. For all the years I’d worked for the Stevensons, I had only visited Zach’s house, along with his parents’ and sisters’ but not Luke’s or Grant’s. While Zach lived on a beautiful property out of town surrounded by farm land, Luke’s house was so different. He lived in the city but on the outskirts of the business area. His home sat on a hill overlooking the town in a secured gated community. His home was not what I was expecting.
Luke was the playboy of the family. I imagined him to have a classy apartment in town. Over the years, I had learned that wasn’t the case, but I had never been there. Apart from the huge garage which housed all his cars, the house was interesting to look at. It was architecturally designed to be built on the hill. From the work I’d seen in the office, this was definitely a Stevenson construction home with huge input from Luke.
I wanted to see more and let Luke show me everything, but I was so tired, I struggled to function. I just put one foot in front of the other, following Luke wherever he led me.
“If you think you’re sleeping on my couch, you are sadly mistaken. You can rest on my bed for as long as you want,” Luke explained.
Hearing those words, I stopped dead. He almost pulled my arm out of its socket as he kept walking. “No, please not your bed. Not like this.” If I got to be on Luke’s bed, I wanted it to be for one reason and that wasn’t because I was sleeping off a panic attack. Especially one I couldn’t explain. One that took me back to a place I thought I’d left behind.
“Okay, don’t worry. I will take you to one of the guest rooms. I just wanted you to have the best bed, but I can take you to another. Just keep breathing for me and we are all good.”
“Thank you. The guest room is fine.” At this stage, I just needed to lay down sooner rather than later. I was really starting to struggle.
The room I was led into had a stunning view towards the city. The windows were floor to ceiling, framing the view like a picture postcard. The floor, with a thick plush grey rug on top of polished concrete. I eyed the bed that looked inviting. Styled in greys, white and royal blue, it had class written all over it. I felt bad for messing it up. He pulled back the covers, but I stopped him before he wrecked the bed. “Don’t worry about that, I’ll just lay on top and take a quick nap. No need to make a fuss.”