by Karen Deen
“It’s no problem. I just want you to feel comfortable. So, if on top is what you want, that is what you get.” For the first time since my panic attack, I saw a little glimmer in his eyes. I didn’t have the strength to laugh at his little joke. “Now, lay down and I’ll grab the blanket to put over the top of you.”
Slipping off my shoes, I crawled onto the bed to lay on one side. It felt like fluffy clouds, soft with no lumps and hollows like mine. My mattress was second-hand. I purchased it years ago and it got worse from there. I didn’t need to share my bed with anyone else, so I put up with it.
Returning from grabbing a blanket, he draped it over me. “Are you sure you’re okay, Zoe? You gave me a scare back there. Do you want me to stay here while you sleep?” He was so sweet and made me smile.
“Thank you, but I’m fine. After a sleep, I’ll be much better.” He tucked the blanket around my shoulders and leaned down to plant the most gentle, lingering kiss on my forehead. “Sweet dreams, sweetheart. I will keep you safe. Just rest.”
When he left, closing the door behind him, I could finally catch my breath. I’d been left alone with my thoughts, which was never good for my brain. Luckily, my weariness took over my body and as much as I fought it, my eyes closed, the darkness taking me under. For all the anxiety of the morning, this place felt safe. A place where I could relax and sleep without having to worry about the outside world. Time to let go and rest.
Luke
Standing with my forehead leaning on the door, I tried listening for any noise, but all was quiet. I could barely hear her breathing in a slow even pattern. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep. My guess was that her body crashed after such an adrenaline rush. The panic attack came from nowhere but escalated quickly. Personally, I had never suffered from one but knew friends at college who did. Nothing compared to what I saw poor Zoe go through. What surprised me was that in all the years I’d known her, I’d never seen that happen. Now I knew she experienced them, I’d do everything I could to keep her safe.
It was still early in the day, but I was tempted to grab a very large, very stiff drink. My head was scattered, trying to work out what the hell happened. The conversation was about a car. What had triggered her? And how the fuck did it turn into sexual favors? Something serious had happened to her and it drove me crazy not knowing. I paced the living room trying to calm my head and heart.
Fuck it, I needed a drink. I didn’t care what time it was. Somewhere in the world it was time for a beer. I needed to settle my nerves so when Zoe woke, she wouldn’t feel threatened.
I was no good with serious shit. But this time, I doubted my humor would be adequate enough for Zoe.
My beer took the edge off my stress, well enough that I managed to soak in the sun and take in the views from my deck. Reality was, I couldn’t ask any questions. Zoe would have to tell me on her own. If I applied pressure, she might take flight.
I struggled to think of something else to take my mind off replaying the vision of Zoe falling apart. A noise behind me stole my attention. Standing, I saw Zoe standing in the doorway, head bowed, hands fiddling with the bottom of her shirt. Bed hair told me she’d been restless in her few hours’ worth of sleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake her. I checked in a few times. Although she was stunning lying on the bed, I could see she was troubled. Her face didn’t look at peace and right now, she was far from comfortable. She wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. It was up to me to break the awkwardness.
“Wait, sleeping beauty woke up on her own, without the kiss from Prince Charming? Didn’t you read that fairy-tale when you were younger? Now my chance of kissing you is ruined.” I chuckled, showing her that I wasn’t upset or going to treat her any differently.
Looking unsure, she opened her mouth to say something but then closed it again.
“It’s okay, Zoe, you can say what you’re thinking. You were about to tell me you’re devastated you missed a kiss from Prince Charming.”
“Actually, I was going to say I haven’t seen any sign of a Prince Charming around here,” she whispered quietly, still refusing to meet my gaze.
Okay, so she hadn’t completely lost herself, with a hint of her humor still evident.
“Oh,” I gasped, putting my hand on my chest. “My heart is wounded, in my own home no less. You better watch out, Princess Zoe, you will find out one day very soon what a charming prince I can be. I mean, you already know I’m the best kisser you’ve ever had touch those lips, and my looks are out of this world. What more could you ask for?” I smiled and she finally glanced up.
“Maybe a smaller ego would be a good start,” Zoe said, wearing a hint of a smile.
The awkward silence settled once more. We needed to talk, otherwise we couldn’t move on.
“Zoe, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. That way we can put it behind us. Just know that I’m not upset, I just want to know you’re okay. That is my major concern. You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to. Just let me know you’re okay and how I can help.” I leaned back, casually, to show her how relaxed I was, while really on the inside, I was still freaking out.
“I’m sorry you had to see that, Luke. I’m not sure why it happened now. I haven’t had one like that for many years,” her voice was quiet and weak. “I can’t talk about it. I know that isn’t fair, but I just can’t. My past isn’t something I’m proud of and I need to leave it there, in the past. You don’t need to worry, though. I’m perfectly fine. Well, besides the attack, I really am perfectly fine.”
“I want to believe that. I’m not convinced but just know I’m always here if you want to talk about anything, past, present or future.” Running my hand through my hair, I felt frustrated. “We may not be the couple I so desperately want us to be, but we are still friends and I would do absolutely anything for you. Never forget that.” This time, I stared straight at her. She needed to know how much I meant it.
“Thank you.” Although her eyes were sad, they still held a glimmer of hope. Hope for a better life than where she had come from. “I can’t believe after what I just did, you still say you want to be with me.” Dropping her eyes, she continued. “I wouldn’t blame you if you ran a mile. It’s not exactly normal behavior.”
“Since when have I been normal? As if I would be looking for normal. You know me, I’m the least normal in my family. Well, except for Grant but that’s a whole other story.” A little giggle escaped her beautiful lips. “Just so you know, I like that you’re not normal, Zoe. In another world, you would already be mine and we would be not normal, together. So, stop worrying. How about we have something to eat and then we can get you organized with the car.” I knew she needed to move on and get past worrying about what I thought. One day I would find out the truth. Now just wasn’t the time.
“Also, I think you’re being harsh if you believe a little panic attack is not normal. Many people experience them, it’s just a part of life. We’re all different and cope with things in our own way. So, don’t beat yourself up about it, okay?” She nodded slowly, and it was time to move on.
“Would you like a beer while I rustle up something for us to eat, or perhaps a wine?”
“I think I’ll just stick with water or a juice, please. I don’t need any more excuses to do something stupid today, like put a scratch on your car or say something I shouldn’t. You have a way of getting to me and alcohol will just make that even more dangerous.”
“Right, so vodka shots it is then. I want you telling me how hot and sexy I am when you’re drunk. You know it will be good for my ego which you seem to think I have.” I went straight back to comedy.
“Man, you are such an idiot. Make it water, thanks. I don’t trust you to give me straight orange juice. Who are you kidding, trying to convince me you don’t have an ego. It’s as big as that other part of your body which I’m sure you brag about.” She seemed shocked by her own words. So much for us staying in the friend zone. We both sucked at not flirting
.
“That comment sounded very confident. How do you know how big my manhood is, Zoe?” I smiled, waiting for her reaction. “Have you been peeking without me knowing? Because, I’m more than happy to show you. You don’t have to sneak a look.” Her face blushed. “You know we both suck at this friend-zone thing, right? I thought I was hopeless at keeping my flirting to a minimum, but you’re just as bad.”
“Sorry. I am a little off-balance today, if you haven’t already noticed. Hence, no alcohol needed to make matters worse.”
“Let’s eat and chill out. I make a mean BLT sandwich. Take a seat out here on the balcony and I will bring it out, with one straight water, no alcohol, just truth serum included.” Heading into the kitchen, I left Zoe to catch her breath. If I’d learned one thing, seeing Zoe happy and looking hot as hell in the office made me want to be with her. Watching her in a vulnerable and hurt place made me want her even more. I wanted to take all that away from her. I wanted to be the one to put the smile back on her face. If I was being honest with myself, I also wanted her moaning my name with that sparkle in her eyes when she was peaking with an orgasm. Why did my mind always end up in the gutter when I was around her?
9
Zoe
AFTER I SETTLED, the day with Luke turned out better than I imagined. As per usual, he had me laughing and helped me to get over the awkwardness of what had happened. We eventually ended up back out in the garage sorting out a car for me to drive. I gave in because there was no way I was going to win against Luke.
I had never felt so nervous, driving slowly away from Luke’s apartment in his white Mercedes. A car that was worth more than several years’ salary for me. The type of car I would never own. I just couldn’t relax enough to enjoy the drive. Listening to Luke give me instructions on its features was like listening to someone speaking a foreign language. I heard the words gas pedal and brake. The rest was all a jumble to me. I had only ever driven my old piece of crap car, Lola, that got me from A to B and sometimes with difficulty. Until she no longer could. She’d served me well.
On the highway, all the cars seemed to pass me. I was certain it was because of how slow I was going with Luke following me in the Mustang. I tried to convince him I’d be fine, but he insisted his muscle car needed a run anyway.
A shrill ringing broke my concentration. What the hell was that noise? It sounded like a cell. Looking around, I saw Luke’s name on the electronic display asking to accept or decline. Shit! Luke had set up the damn Bluetooth. I didn’t know how to answer. He’d probably told me, but I hadn’t listened properly. By the time I saw the accept button it stopped ringing, thank God. He’d probably worked out I didn’t know how to work the screen.
“Shit,” I yelled as it started again. Was this man stupid? Didn’t he realize distracting me was going to make it easier for me to smash the car? Looking down to check my speed, I spotted a button on my steering wheel with a picture of a phone on it. Here goes nothing.
Pushing the button made the ringing stop but I didn’t know if I’d answered or hung it up. There was no noise. Then his voice was suddenly there, all around me.
“About time. Why didn’t you answer me the first time?”
“Geez, Luke. I’m struggling just to drive this car. I have no idea how to answer goddamn calls. Give me a break.”
The bastard laughed. “Well, if you’re putting that much energy into driving, could you maybe concentrate on pushing harder on the gas pedal so we could go a little faster than thirty miles an hour. People are laughing at me driving the Mustang at such a pussy pace on a freeway. You are ruining my man card reputation here.”
“You are such an asshole sometimes, Luke. You know that? Well, don’t you blame me if I damage your car because you made me drive faster.”
“Beautiful, I don’t care what you do to my car, as long as you don’t get hurt in the process. Got it?”
Tingles ran up my body, and my stomach flip-flopped. I decided my new favourite thing was hearing Luke call me beautiful. In all my life, no one had ever told me I was beautiful. Not even my parents. I didn’t believe Luke when he said it, but it still felt good to hear it.
“Got it,” I whispered.
“Right. Now, can we try to just pick up our speed a little? It won’t take long for you to feel comfortable in the car. Just remember, this car is no different to driving that heap of shit Lola. Just a little safer, shall we say. Now step on the gas pedal, woman. Let’s get moving.” He hung up and all I saw in the rear vision mirror was a big smile and his aviator glasses. Nothing looked sexier on a man than a pair of aviators, a tight white t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. I needed to stop thinking of that vision, so I could focus on the road in front. Luke’s ass was drool-worthy in a pair of jeans.
If he wanted me to get on with it, then I’d show him. I needed to stop being a little wallflower and pull out the Zoe who stood up to Grant in the office when he was all grouchy and bossy. “Okay, Molly the Mercedes, let’s show the man with the big ego what we can do. Be gentle with me, though, I am a virgin Mercedes girl. I need warming up to this.”
I slowly started to push the pedal harder and before I knew it, we were speeding down the highway keeping up with the traffic. The car was so smooth and I couldn’t hear any outside noise or feel the bumps on the road. Luxury at its best. The speed made my body relax into the black leather seats, wrapped me in comfort.
“Well, Molly, it looks like you and I might just be friends. I will try to look after you if you can look after me. I know our friendship will be short, but I think we can have fun while it lasts.” Pulling into the parking lot to my apartment building, I stopped next to Lola. I knew she probably considered me a traitor. I had upgraded for a newer, younger model. Climbing out of the car, I realized I was officially insane if I was worrying about hurting a car’s feelings.
“When I said you could go a little faster I didn’t mean for you to break the land speed record, Miss Lead Foot.” I giggled at Luke who leaned against the side of the Mustang parked behind me. “Well, what did you think of the car?”
“Molly and I will get on just fine, thanks.”
“What the fuck? You named my car already? And it’s such a girly, pansy name.”
“Umm… excuse me. Don’t men call all cars a ‘she’? So, I picked a girl’s name and Molly fits perfect.”
“Pfft, that is up for debate. You better not have played any girly music on my stereo either, otherwise you will have totally taken the man out of my Mercedes,” Luke chuckled.
“Excuse me. My music is not all girly. I like plenty of boy bands too.”
“Because they are so manly, give me a break.” He ran his hands through his hair, raising his eyebrows at me.
“Anyway, for your information, I didn’t play any music because I had no friggin’ idea how to work the stereo. So, get nicked, smarty pants.”
“Obviously too busy looking at my charming body while I was explaining all of that at my house. Anyway, you now have five minutes to run inside and get changed. Mom called while we were driving, telling me dinner at home tonight. When I told her I was with you, she said she would see you there.”
“What the hell, Luke! Why would you tell your mother we are together? Can you imagine what is going to happen when we turn up at the family dinner in the same car on a weekend? Try explaining your way out of that with your siblings.” I planted my hands on my hips and waited for his response.
“Calm down, Zoe.” Luke started towards me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I told Mom I was dropping off a car to you because yours wasn’t working. She told me to bring you to dinner. I didn’t tell her we spent the day together. Just breathe. No one will think any differently about it. They will just treat you like the sister they consider you being and be happy I lent you a car. All right?” Luke seemed worried with the pace of my breathing. He thought I was about to panic. Little did he know, it was all because he was so close to me, touching. Breathing in his scent was enough for me
to center my soul. He calmed my world like no one ever had before.
“Sorry, Luke. I just don’t think I can cope with being the center of attention tonight. It’s been a long day and I’m a little tired. I would prefer to just stay home but I know no one gets away with not turning up for family dinner when Sophia sends out the message.” Luke wrapped me in his arms and held me. I should have pulled away, but I didn’t want to. Those last few minutes in his arms were precious. When you had never felt safe in your life, and you got a rare glimpse of it, you lapped it up.
“Life is good, beautiful. Just remember that, okay? Now, off you go and get changed. I’ll wait here. I have a feeling it would be safer for us both if I am as far away from you as possible when you only have underwear on.” With a little chuckle he turned me around and smacked my ass. I laughed lightly as I ran to the door. I didn’t know if I was laughing at Luke’s comments, the smack on the ass, or myself for being a fool and thinking that maybe one day I could have this sort of relationship with a man.
Well, not just any man.
Luke. He was the only man who mattered to me.
Pulling up to the Stevenson family home in the Mustang was a weird feeling. It felt completely natural to be in the car with Luke. Although I was nervous about walking in together, being near him was worth suffering the nerves. Turning the car off, he leaned across and squeezed my leg. “Everything will be fine. Just act like it’s any normal dinner with Mom and Dad. No one will think any different.”
“Thanks, Luke. I think I will be okay. Let’s face it, if I can handle Grant on a bad day at the office, I can handle anything, right?” We both laughed and stepped out of the car, heading for the house.