by Amy Marie
I pick my cup back up, needing something to do, and lean back into the couch. I don’t say anything. I just wait for him to start talking.
“Back in high school, I was part of the popular kids. The ones that everyone wanted to hang out with and all the girls wanted to date. My friends and I formed this kind of alliance or group. We would do everything together. Football, baseball, race cars—you name it.”
My face remains unaffected even though I am freaking out on the inside. He is talking about the PITCREW. I’m about to get an in depth look into the group every guy wanted to infiltrate.
“Well, just like any normal teenage guys, we got into a lot of trouble. Did some shit that, to this day, most of us aren’t proud of. Back then, we didn’t know any better, even though we should have. But, there was one particular event that happened that has haunted me since the day it started.” He shakes his head like he is trying to rid himself of the memory. “It started out in my friend’s garage. We were all talking about girls we liked. I brought up the one I had been interested in. She was shy and quiet, nothing like the girls the other guys were looking to get with. I wasn’t looking for ass like they were. I genuinely liked her, and the guys could tell. They started picking on me. Said there was no way she was into me. Just the normal guys bashing guys. I had her on my radar for a long time but was too much of a pussy to make any sort of move.” He sighs, throwing his head into his hands.
I move in closer, wrapping myself around his torso. I’m at war with wanting to comfort him because I know how nasty those guys could be and wanting to ask him why the hell he hung around them. Why he still hangs around some of them today.
His chin comes to rest on top of his fisted hands. “What happened next, Embyr, just got out of control. It was like they went from saying she would go out with one of them before she would even look my way to making a bet on it, very quickly. I thought it was a joke, but when it became apparent it wasn’t, it turned into something I wanted no part of.” His breathing becomes deeper and I’m starting to think I’m not going to like hearing this story. My grip loosens and I try to control my shaking hands. My palms begin to sweat. “I know what guys say isn’t supposed to affect you, but I almost believed what they were saying. I wasn’t ugly back then. I was just shy and I really liked this girl. So, Reece initiated a race. A bet of sorts. To see who she would go out with first. The winner would get bragging rights. They all would try and then, if she agreed, it would prove to me that not only would she go out with one of them, but she wouldn’t go out with me. Stupid, right? But, I was so sure. I knew she liked me, too, and I wanted to prove them all wrong, so I let them try. I watched each of them ask her out, each getting denied, until one day she agreed to go out with Ian.” He turns to look at me. “The guy you met last week. “
I nod but don’t say a word. I’m still trying to absorb the fact that he liked me and he had thought I liked him.
“I was heartbroken. I thought she would want to be with me but instead she went out with one of my best friends.” He leans back into the couch, taking a deep breath
I want to console him. To tell him I only did it to get his attention and that I didn’t want anyone else but him. I dreamed of Casen every night and sought him out every day just to watch him. My infatuation with him knew no bounds. I want to say all of that, but I can’t expose myself. He turns, pulling me away from him so that he can look into my eyes. I see dread, sadness, and panic in them. “This next part, Embyr. You have to know that it wasn’t my fault.”
I blink quickly. “Ok,” I agree.
“That night she went out with Ian, he ended taking her to the garage where we used to work on our cars. It was a race night and we were all going to meet there.” He lets out a whoosh of air. “She slept with him. That night, she slept with him and it was all caught on the security camera inside Reece’s garage. The camera was motion sensored, so it recorded the whole thing. I know for a fact Ian didn’t think about that when he took her back there, but when he told Reece they had sex, he immediately ran to see if the cameras caught it. When Patrick got there, and Reece told him, they both decided to use the tape over Annie’s head”
I gasp as he says my name. My old name. The sound of it coming from his mouth and it, being the first time I’ve heard it in a while, makes quiver. I try to hold back the tears. It’s hard to hear this story from his perspective and to know what really happened. I always just assumed that they set it up beforehand. I pictured them mounting the camera and getting Ian to bring me back there so they could exploit me. Use me for their mind games. Fuck up my life completely.
“I know.” He shakes his head. “It’s terrible what they did to her, and I was so angry over the betrayal. From Ian and I guess from her. I never imagined she would go out with him, let alone give herself to him. I thought I was the one she wanted, and the whole thing made me turn cold. I tried not to look her way as much. I ignored them: Patrick, Reece, and the other guys as they used the video to make her life miserable. By the time my young, juvenile mind realized it was wrong, it was too late. If I tried to do anything about it then, they would oust me. Make my life just as miserable as they were making hers. I mentioned it to Patrick one time and he told me I was just as responsible as they were. He threatened to make her life worse and my life a living hell. Told me I was being a pussy, and to shut my fucking mouth. So, I stood aside and watched. Watched them make her do their homework, make indecent gestures at her as she walked by, and spread horrible rumors about her. They knew how badly she didn’t want her perfect innocent reputation ruined or for her parents to find out what she did. She was ashamed. I could see it in her eyes that she would do anything to keep it all quiet and make it go away. I was young and stupid. I regret every single word I didn’t say in her defense. That’s why I hate Patrick so much. I’m happy that asshole might go to jail.”
This time I can’t hold the tears back. They trail down my cheeks and spill onto my shirt. He pulls me in close. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“No.” I shake my head. “No, you should have. I just feel so bad for her.”
“Me, too. And, that isn’t even the worst part.” His chest begins to shake with silent sobs. “All of us promised that tape would never see the light of day. Reece told us he was going to destroy it, but he never did. No one will admit to who it was, but that tape was released our senior year. It tore her fucking world apart.”
I give him a moment to compose himself because I can tell he isn’t done. “Then, after she was humiliated, she lost both her parents in a matter of months. How terrible is that? After that, she left the state. I don’t blame her one bit. I don’t know where she is now or what she’s doing, but all I can do is hope she is happy and doesn’t hate me for standing by. At the time, I was more frightened of what would happen if I did say something than if I didn’t. It haunted me for a long time. Still does. So, about three years ago, I got this tattoo.” He points to his side. “It reminds me to stand up for what’s right. I’ve done that since the day I got it.”
My fingers glide over it and I smile through my sad tears. “I like it.”
“Thank you.”
I shake my head in confusion. “So, why are you still friends with Reece and Ian? I would think that since they played a big part in, what seems to be your biggest regret, that you wouldn’t want anything to do with them anymore? And, why aren’t you still friends with the others?”
He gives a small shrug. “I don’t know. After high school, and everything that happened, they both started to make major changes. It definitely hurt our friendship, but, one night, we had a come to Jesus moment. Told me they regretted what they had done, too. We are friends, but not like we used to be. The others? Well, they just seemed as though they didn’t think what they did was wrong. They ruined a girl’s life and didn’t bat an eye.”
“I see.”
“I just wish I would have done something about it before it got too far, but I was devastated, thinking my
first love wronged me. It hurt so badly. It wasn’t until years later; I finally got the truth from Ian. That he pushed her into sleeping with him. Made her feel like it was her duty. He apologized and said it wasn’t something he was proud of, that he regrets it every day. Some days, I believe him and some days, I don’t.” His fists clench and release a few times like he is trying to calm himself down.
“First love?” I ask, my eyes widening.
“That girl, Annie. I was in love with her.”
I excused myself after breakfast and said I needed to take a shower. I held it together that long but couldn’t mask my feelings anymore and needed a breather. Casen looked at me funny but didn’t comment that I had already showered this morning.
I adjust the temperature so it is scorching hot as I step in. My body crumbles and I sit on the bottom of the tub letting my tears circle the drain along with the water. Hearing his side of the story doesn’t change the way I feel about the rest of the crew. They still tried to win the bet. They still had me do things for them. But, knowing that Casen regrets it and wishes he could go back and change it, puts things in a different perspective. I see him differently now, after hearing his side of the story. I see everything differently now. I can feel my body releasing the tension from the past decade of heartache and distress. I don’t want to be angry with him anymore. I don’t want to be angry at anyone anymore. I’ve spent the past ten years walking around with so much built up anxiety; my body is just as fucking tired as my mind. Since I saw Casen the first time at Jedi’s, my feelings for him have morphed from utter disgust, at the sight of him, into complete infatuation with the man he has become, and how he makes me feel. He has seeped into my veins without warning and now runs my blood through my body. In myself, I feel the shift. I’ve chastised myself for softening up and letting him in little by little. I can almost forgive myself for allowing it to happen. Panic rises and my heart beats faster, when I face the truth. I have feelings for Casen. I can’t let this foolishness of revenge go on any longer. I need to let it all go. If I want any sort of future with Casen, then it has to stop. Patrick, Wesley, Thad, and Evan can be listed as collateral damage, but they weren’t going to get away with what they were doing for much longer. It was coming for them. I just sped up the process. But, Casen, Reece, and Ian? Well, I think I have had enough devastation in my life to just leave it alone. I’ll keep up my guard, when it comes to the last two. I still don’t trust them. I can, however, allow myself to open up to Casen. I want to. He makes me want to. Now that I know the story. Know that Casen was threatened too, I feel the crash of emotions knock me straight to the ground.
I want Casen.
I step out of the shower after finally getting myself together. Casen’s words play on repeat in my head. “I was in love with her.” I never knew. I always thought I was nothing to him when he was everything to me. A stupid crush that I thought wouldn’t amount to anything. I was wrong. So very wrong.
I walk in and find Casen sitting on the bed, watching the news. “Do you want to hit the gym with me?” he asks.
“Hmm,” I ponder for a moment, tapping my pointer finger to my chin. “The gym? That seems like something a couple would do together.”
He slides off the bed, meeting me halfway and pulls my towel loose. “It does sound like something a couple would do. Do you consider us a couple because I sure as hell am not seeing or going to see anyone else?”
I shiver at the loss of material around my body when my towel drops to the floor. “I don’t plan on seeing anyone else, either.”
“So, then it’s settled.” He breathes, lowering his lips to my collarbone.
My head falls back. “What’s settled?”
He picks me up and tosses me onto the bed crawling up my body until his lips are inches away from mine. “We’re a couple now.”
I bite my lip and nod. “Okay.”
His mouth trails kisses down my neck, bypassing my breasts and straight to my stomach. He leans back on his haunches and spreads my knees apart.
“I thought we were going to the gym,” I whisper as his hands slide from knees to my core.
“Oh, we will. After I enjoy my new favorite thing a couple of times.”
It’s Monday and while most people hate Monday’s, I particularly don’t mind them anymore. Sure, when I worked for Patrick or went to school, I disliked them, but now, sitting here, drinking my coffee after a workout and a shower, I realize I don’t mind them so much. It’s like a new start and, after my big weekend with Casen, I feel as though this Monday is the beginning of a huge change.
I’ve spent the past ten years being angry. Plotting. Changing my life and doing things all for revenge, But, deciding yesterday to let it go, continue on without the plan, has been freeing. I feel like a new person today. Someone I actually like and, until this morning, I didn’t realize how much I hated the way I was living.
What would have happened after I fucked them all over? Was I to just go on and try to live a normal life? Find a husband? Have some kids? Would I find what I did later on to not be as fulfilling as I thought it would be? I don’t know. All I know is, I need a new purpose in life and I’m excited to find it.
I’ve gone job to job for money to pay bills and blackmailed Wesley to bulk my savings, but I never thought about what kind of career I would have after it all ended. Today, everything changes. I’m going to focus more on the future I want. I’ll start with finding a job I love and begin living a life I am proud of. A life my parents would be proud of. One with Casen by my side, hopefully.
That last thought pretty much scares the fuck out of me.
I bring my computer onto my lap and start a job search. I have a degree in hotel and hospitality management. I had always dreamed of working corporate events for hotels but those are few and far between. In the end, I only send out three resumes.
Just as I am about to shut my computer down, my phone chimes with an incoming text message.
Trinity: Come meet me for lunch. I’m craving sushi! Please?
Me: What time?
Trinity: Noon?
Me: Shoot me the address.
I take a look at the time, finding it’s close to eleven o’clock. She works out in the suburbs, so I don’t have a lot of time before I need to leave the condo. I definitely need a break from job hunting.
I walk into Spark of Arts, where Trinity works as the owner’s assistant, at promptly twelve o’clock. This is the first time I have ever visited her at her job. She’s sitting at a white table, decorated in colorful paint splatter, with a beautiful brunette, standing over her shoulder, pointing something out to Trinity on the computer. When the bell chimes, they both look at me. The brunette straightens up and walks over toward me.
“Hi! I’m Hadley Blake.” She reaches a hand out. “May I help you?” Her smile is bright and happy. Her hands smudged with all sorts of different colors.
“I’m Embyr,” I take her hand. “I’m here to meet—”
“—Me!” Trin interrupts, jumping from the desk and throwing her purse over her shoulder. “Embyr is taking me to lunch.”
Hadley turns toward Trinity. “Oh, okay! You two ladies have fun.”
Trinity kisses Hadley on the cheek. “You can join us, if you’d like.”
Hadley doesn’t say anything. She is too distracted by something outside the door. I follow her gaze to a police car parked just out front and the hottest fucking officer I have ever seen. He walks in, his eyes zeroed in on Hadley as he lowers his sunglasses.
“Oh, no thanks,” she finally responds before meeting the officer halfway. He pulls her in for a kiss that has me blushing and turning away to give them privacy.
“Nice to meet you,” I tell Hadley, laughing as she ignores me when I pass by on my way out of the door. The warm sun hits our skin as we step outside and to my car. “He’s fucking hot.” I comment to Trinity.
“Who? Hadley’s husband, Ryder?” she asks. I nod. “He’s so fucking taken. He wouldn’t notic
e you if you stripped naked and gave him a lap dance. That man is consumed with Hadley.”
I smile, opening my door and getting in. “That’s sweet.”
“From what I hear,” she tells me, slamming her door once inside. “It was a very long road to get where they are. They went through a lot of shit between high school and now.”
I think about that on the way to the restaurant; how hard some people fight for what they want. For who they want. Maybe if I would have gone for Casen, or him for me, things would have been different. If I would have said no to Ian, instead of trying to make Casen jealous to notice me. The choices they made, to do what they did, were only helped by my behavior. I will never excuse what they did. They set off a chain reaction that ruined me in high school, but I also helped their plan along by being childish.
I pull into the practically empty parking lot. The sushi place is in a strip mall next to a nail salon and a barber shop. The windows have red paper on them, covering the inside from the outside world. The hostess seats us at a table low to the ground with pillows to sit on. I’ve never been to sushi place like this. Eating on top of pillows is nothing I have ever seen before.
We casually talk while we look at the menu and order. “What do you think about Reece?” she gets right into it.
I slide my chopsticks out of their sleeve and break them apart giving me a moment to think about how to answer her. I know she likes him but I still don’t. “What do you mean?”
She shifts in her seat so she is now leaning on her knees. “What do you think of him? I had a great time on Saturday night with you all and then we went back to his place, but he never made a move. Do you think he’s gay?”
I almost spit my water out. “Gay, Trin? Really? The guy practically salivates over you since minute one and you think he is gay?”