by Amy Marie
I laugh. The first laugh in almost twenty-four hours. “Thank you, but it’s not necessary.”
She grins at me. “You’re welcome. You know I love you, right?”
I smile back at her. “So much you would move back in with me to a new place?”
“As soon as my sister gets back on her feet, I’m all yours again. Unless you move in with Casen.” She wiggles her brows but it doesn’t make me feel any better. She notices. “Oh, Em. I’m sorry. He’ll forgive you. He has to.”
“I hope so.”
“If he loves you as much as he says he does, then he will listen and he will let it go. Just be honest with everything you tell him.”
We leave the restaurant. She goes to work and I’m headed back to the city.
The traffic is terrible, due to an accident, and I don’t get back until after four o’clock.
I decide to go for a run to release some of the anxiety I have over what I am going to do today. After a long hot shower I pull out my phone. My fingers tremble as I type.
Me: Can I come over?
Casen: Can you give me an hour. I’ve been out most of the day and I have to pick up my laundry from the station; I forgot yesterday.
Me: Sure. See you soon.
Casen: I love you.
Me: Me too.
I can’t bring myself to say the words back. Not until he knows the full truth. Reece is right. This could break him as much as they broke me. Why could I ever think that doing this would make me feel good? That the evil I was doing in their lives could make my life better?
If I’m honest with myself, while I was doing it, it did feel good for them to get what I believed was coming to them. But, like Reece, I don’t know if they have changed. I never gave them the opportunity to tell me if they regret it like both Reece and Casen do. I could have walked into their jobs, demanded to get an explanation and the worst they could have done to me was kick me out. How different would today be if, when I saw Casen at the bar, I reminded him of who I was, and went on with my life. You grow up hearing that two wrongs don’t make a right; I should have listened. I no longer feel good about anything that I have done.
I pull up to Casen’s building and shut the car off, taking a few moments to compose myself before I get out. The elevator ride to his floor seems torturous, and I use the mirror to take a good look at myself. I barely put any make up on, so the dark circles under my eyes are prominent. My lips look chapped and my damp hair sits just on top of my head. I didn’t want to wear a skirt or dress, so Casen doesn’t immediately start to ravish me before I can get a word out. My jeans are snug over my legs, flip flops in place, and a modest purple top. I don’t usually dress myself down when I go anywhere, but I want Casen to focus on what I have to say and not what I am wearing.
The elevator chimes, alerting me that I have arrived at his floor and I slowly exit into the hallway. My feet feel as though I am wearing concrete shoes. Each step is heavy and it seems my stomach feels the same. Dread consumes me, and I feel as though I am swallowing large lumps in my throat. I’m more than nervous. I’m anxious, panicked, and uneasy. I try to tell myself that the worst that can happen is that Casen tells me he never wants to see me again, and then I feel nauseous because the worst that could happen is that Casen never wants to see me again. I’ll be devastated.
I get to his door and, after a deep breath, I knock.
I knock three times, waiting for Casen to open the door. I left the key the day I returned to my apartment and even so I’m not sure I could just walk in. I almost text him to see if he had made it home, yet. When the door swings open, my nerves go into overdrive. He looks amazing. He has pajama bottoms on, no shirt so his rippled abs are on display, and his hair is damp from, what I assume, is the shower he just got out of. He doesn’t say a word as he lets me in and kisses me on the cheek. I’m greeted with the aroma of tomato sauce filling the air.
“It smells amazing. Are you cooking?” I ask, looking over to the kitchen.
He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. “I am. Are you hungry?”
My stomach growls but I’m not sure I can eat anything right now. I fill my lungs with air and slowly breathe out. If I’m going to do this I can’t have a panic attack. I need take this one minute at a time. “I could be. Do you need help?”
He lets go, walking toward the kitchen, and throws some noodles in the pot of boiling water. “I’m making spaghetti for us. You can mix all the stuff into the salad, if you want.”
I join him in the kitchen and get to work on the salad. He has already chopped up the vegetables, so my job only takes a few minutes. I carry the bowl over to the table where Casen has lit two tall candles. I smile at how romantic he can be one minute and how wild he can be in another. He’d hold the door open for me and then push me against it and fuck me senseless.
I feel his lips brush against my neck before he sets a couple of plates down and then walks back to the stove, mixing the noodles. I watch him gracefully move around the kitchen, taking a colander out and placing it in the sink. The noodles are in a roaring boil and the sauce is simmering nicely, so Casen comes over and gives me a proper kiss. He takes my lips between his teeth and pulls.
“I’ve missed you all day, baby.”
I circle my arms around his waist and lay my head on his bare chest. “I’ve missed you, too.”
I don’t let go when he releases me and I try to hold back the tears. I have to tell him, but he’s cooked such a nice dinner that I want to wait until after. At least, help him clean up before I unleash the shit storm of lies I have told. At least, that is how I am convincing myself to not tell him just yet.
Grabbing my shoulders, he holds me away from his body. “Are you ok?”
I shake my head no. “I’m not, but we can talk about it later.”
His eyebrows scrunch together. “Are you sure?”
A hissing sound comes from the stove and we both look to find the water boiling over onto the hot surface. Casen releases me and runs over, pulling the pot up and placing it on a cool burner. I help him clean up and after he puts a shirt on we settle into our meal.
“How was your day?” he asks in-between bites.
I swallow my sip of wine. “It was okay. I met Trinity for lunch before she went to work.”
He chuckles.
“What?” I ask.
“Your friend must have super powers, Embyr.”
I eye him confused.
Another laugh. “I’ve never seen Reece smitten with anyone before. He’s got it bad for her.”
“Smitten? How old are you, fifty?” I joke with him.
“You think I’m joking. I have never seen Reece out with the same girl twice and now he is talking about a relationship with her.”
I stop mid-bite. Relationship? “Trinity didn’t tell me they were dating.”
“They aren’t but Reece told me this morning that he is going to try to make it official in the next few days. Said it depended on how today went.”
I freeze. “How today went?”
“Yeah. He said she may find out some things about him she may not like today. Hell, I find things I don’t like about him every day.”
Reece knows I would probably tell Trinity and that she may not want to see him afterward. “I’m sure he has nothing to worry about,” I tell him, taking my last bite. “I know Trinity has strong feelings for him. What did you do today?” I ask, trying to take the subject off of Reece.
His fork drops to his plate. “Nothing much. I tried to get a hold of Ian. He called me last night while I was balls deep inside you, but didn’t answer when I called back.”
I’ve lost my voice. Dinner is over and the mention of Ian is a hard reminder that I need to tell Casen what is going on. He picks up both of our plates and I follow him into the kitchen with our empty glasses and begin to wash them out. My fingers shake with every stroke of the sponge. As I set them in the dish drainer, Casen’s large, skilled hands dip underneath my sh
irt and stroke my bare stomach.
“Casen,” I whisper. “I need to talk to you.”
His lips brush against my ear. “After I get you out of these jeans that are making that sweet pussy inaccessible to me. His fingers travel lower and pop the button, and before I can reach up to stop it, they slide down my zipper. I moan, pushing my ass back, giving him the space needed to slip his hand down to my core. It’s already wet and he just began.
I’m going to hell. I’m supposed to be here to tell Casen the truth. To tell him that I am the Annie he fell for in high school. That Ian didn’t have to look for me because I had already found him. I need to tell him what I had done to Patrick, Thad, Even, and Wesley, and then, I need to beg him for forgiveness. But, I can’t. All I can focus on is him rolling my clit between his fingers, and his harsh breath whispering very dirty words in my ear.
“I want to get inside that soaking wet pussy, Embyr, and live there for the rest of my life. Fuck you until we take our last breath.”
“Oh God.”
“You want that too, don’t you? You want to spend every waking moment with me driving into to you. My tongue, my fingers, my cock. You want everything I can give you.” He growls, his breath tickling the inside of my ear. He bends down, taking my pants with him and then grabs me by the hand and pulls me over to the sofa. “Take your panties off.”
I fight the urge to comply. “I think we should talk.”
“I think you need to lose the fucking panties,” he responds, dragging my shirt up and over my head. “And, the bra.”
All I can do is stand here and look into his beautiful eyes, knowing what I’m about to do is all kinds of wrong. I reach behind my back, unclasping the snap of my bra and watch him as his eyes follow it down to the floor. Lust clouds his pupils and he barely waits for me to pull my panties all the way down before he pushes me on my ass and spreads my legs before his hungry mouth.
“You have no idea how fucking hot it is to look down here and see you glisten with the arousal only I can give you, Embyr.”
Fuck me. Fuck the afterlife I will spend in hell. “Lick it up, Casen.”
He growls, literally growls, before crashing his lips to my pussy. Licking and sucking and bringing me to edge before pulling back and teasing me. I hear his phone ring in the distance but neither of us cares. He continues his torturous lapping of my folds. And, right as I’m about to come all over his beautiful face, his phone rings again, causing me to lose my orgasm once more.
“Don’t pay attention to it, baby. Think about how I’m going to pound you into this couch so hard, I’m going to break the fucking thing.”
I moan, the orgasm surfacing once again and throw my hands down when the ringing starts all over again.
“Fuck!” he yells, standing up. “I’ll turn it off.”
I sit there and wait, legs spread apart, watching as Casen picks up his phone and glances at the screen. The small ding of his text goes off and the lust filled eyes he had moments ago are filled with shock.
“Oh my God,” he says softly, his fingers furiously pushing buttons on the screen.
I sit straight up. “What?”
He brings the cell up to his ear. “It’s Reece. Text said it’s an emergency.”
Standing up, I look for my clothes that are scattered all over the floor. When I get my panties back on Casen’s call connects.
“Reece. What’s up man?”
I slowly dress myself, trying not to make too much noise so that I might be able to hear Reece. Casen isn’t saying anything but his face is turning white. He bends over at the waist as though he is willing himself to breath. “What hospital is he at?”
That stops me in my tracks. I walk over to Casen, rubbing his back while he gets information from Reece before he says, “Embyr is here. I’ll have her drive me over.” He hangs up the phone, throwing it down onto the dining room table and screams, “DAMN IT!”
“What happened?”
Tears pool in Casen’s eyes and my heart starts to break. “Ian got mugged. Someone shot him and left him in an alley.”
I start to cry along with Casen. “Oh my God. Come on, I’ll take you.”
The drive to the hospital seems to take forever. Casen hasn’t said a word since we left and all I can do is hold his hand and comfort him. We pull up to the emergency room and park, running into the hospital. We give Ian’s name to the receptionist and she points to a waiting room just around the corner. She won’t give Casen any information except that a doctor will update him when he can. Slamming his hands down on the desk, I pull him away and drag him to the waiting room. Reece is already in there. His head is in his hands, and his back is bouncing up and down as though he is crying. He looks up to find us standing there, and I can see the numerous red lines of blood shot eyes.
“Have you heard anything yet?” Casen frantically asks.
Reece shakes his head no. “Nothing. They won’t tell me anything and I can’t get a hold of Ian’s parents.”
“What about his sister?”
“She lives all the way out in Lake Forest.” Reece sighs. “She is on her way.”
Casen takes a seat and I take the one across from Reece. He looks up at me questioningly. I shake my head no to his unspoken question. His face goes hard. “I think you should leave, Embyr.”
I stiffen. “Why?”
Casen chimes in. “Yeah, baby. You should go home.” He looks at the clock above the vending machine. “You have that big interview in the morning. I can call you if we hear anything.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind staying,” I tell him nervously. I don’t like the look in Reece’s eyes.
Casen kisses me on the cheek. “I’m sure. I’ll call you.”
The drive home is long. Even though it’s a short distance, every second that I’m not with Casen and he’s with Reece feels like an eternity. Is Reece going to tell him? Will Ian when they get to see him? I have a huge mix of emotions running through me, and I don’t know how I am going to fall asleep.
I wait up until after two o’clock in the morning and send a text to Casen.
Me: Any news?
I get no response and before I realize it, I’ve fallen asleep.
I wake up just after seven o’clock in the morning and immediately check my phone. I still haven’t heard from Casen and every minute is torture. I want to know what happened to Ian, and as soon as I see Casen, I have to tell him. No pushing it off any longer. The harsh realization that he is going to find out today, whether I tell him or not, makes my hands shake as I get ready for my nine a.m. interview.
I swipe my last brush of mascara over my lashes and set it down just in time to hear hard raps on my front door. I throw my makeup back into my bag and zip it up. The banging comes again and I look through the peep hole, finding Casen leaning into the frame of the door. His head is down and his hair looks disheveled.
I unlock the door and open it wide to allow him in but he doesn’t move. He has a bag in his hand and he is wearing the same clothes he had on last night. When he looks up, his eyes are red with tears pooling in them, threatening to overflow. “Ian’s dead. He died.”
“Casen, oh my god! Are you okay?” I pull him into my apartment and wrap my hands around him. He stiffens at my touch and doesn’t reciprocate the hug. I let him go and watch as he walks over and sets his overnight bag on the table.
His hands ball into fists and his head is lowered. “No. I’m not fucking, okay, Embyr.”
I recoil. His tone is callous and it makes me uncomfortable. I fumble over my next question. “Is . . .is there anything I can do?” That’s a stupid fucking question. He just lost one of his best friends.
He doesn’t respond to my question so I continue to talk, keeping my distance from him. “I’m so sorry, Casen. That’s terrible.” I want to console him. I want to pull him into my arms, bring him into the bedroom, and allow him to cry on me until his pain goes away, if it ever does.
“No. That’s not terrible.”
He starts to sob. “You know what’s terrible? Wanting nothing more than to find my girlfriend, the woman I am in love with, and have her comfort me during the worst fucking day of my life.”
I walk over to him, attempting to wrap my arms around him. “I’m right here, Casen. Let me do it.”
He pushes away. “Don’t fucking touch me, Embyr!” he yells.
I flinch, taking three steps back, and watch him unzip his bag and pull out a large white envelope that’s been ripped open. He looks at me with disgust. “Or should I call you Annie?”
My body comes alive and a panic attack immediately sets in. I can’t breathe. My hands shake so bad that when I run to the cabinet to grab a glass of water it falls to the ground and shatters. I jump out of the way and grab another, filling it and drinking as fast as I can. I’m hyperventilating and I can feel Casen’s stare on the back of my head. I’m not scared of him, I’ve never had any reason to be but I turn around anyways so I don’t have my back toward him. His eyes are cold, disconnected. He found out. I didn’t get a chance to tell him before found out on his own.
“Casen,” I cry, clutching the glass between my hands.
“Don’t you say a fucking word!” He points at me. “Not one word.”
“You have to let me explain,” I try to tell him calmly walking around the broken shards of glass to the other side of the table. I can’t let the situation get too out of hand. I need him to calm down so I can make this better. I have to make this better. I need him. For the first time in my life, since my parents, I feel truly loved. I don’t want that to go away.
“Explain what?” He throws the envelope towards me. “Explain all of that? I highly doubt you can dig yourself out of this hole.”
“I was going to tell you, I promise.”
“When?” he asks, and then gets louder. “WHEN? After I fell in love with you? Well, too fucking late. I did.” He starts to pace and then flips around quickly. “Was this all a game to you?”
“If we could just sit down and talk, I can tell you everything.” I motion towards the chairs. “From Patrick to Evan. I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”