Playing the If game got you nothing but heartache.
“I’m ready Pansy. Tell me to go.” Willa Wild’s high-pitched voice called to her, reinforcing her feeling of loss.
Pansy wiped at her eyes with her sleeve and took a deep breath. The last thing she needed was for Kade to see her fall apart.
“What’s wrong?”
Double dip damn! Kade’s voice sent shivers down her spine. No matter her feelings, her traitorous body still reacted whenever he got close to her.
Pansy gave the latigo one last tug and turned to him. “Where’s the starting line?”
The look he gave her said he knew she was upset. “Are you okay?”
She waved a hand at him, shooing away his concern. “I’m fine, but you’d better get your game face on or that little redhead over there is going to whip your butt.” She swung aboard Smog and trotted over to Willa.
It felt good to be back in the saddle again. The pretty bay roan moved with athletic ease, his trot smooth and slow. Pansy nudged the horse with her heels and he broke into an easy lope. The feeling of peace she’d always felt when she was around a horse returned full force.
As she came up beside the other horses, Pansy asked Smog to stop. He melted into the ground at her command. “I know I’ve said this a few times already, but this is a nice horse. Cary’s a lucky one.”
“She will be when she learns to ride.” He reached over and stroked the gelding’s neck. “He’s going to be a great teacher.”
Willa hung off the side of Two Bits then dropped to the ground. She dragged the toe of her boot through the dirt, making a line about twelve inches long. “Here’s the starting line. And it will be the finish line, too. Now can we please have our race?”
Kade chuckled. “Are you going to run on foot? Cause I know I can beat you that way.”
Willa Wild raced back to her horse, grabbed the reins and started running toward the fence. Two Bits didn’t move, and when Willa hit the end of the reins, she tipped over backwards. “Shoot and shinola!” She climbed to her feet and slapped her jeans. Dust rolled off the fabric and hung in the air.
“Where did you learn that?” Pansy couldn’t keep the laughter out of her voice.
Willa looked up, a smudge of dirt across her nose. “Clinton teached me, but I’m not supposed to let my pa hear me say it. You won’t tell, will you?”
“I won’t tell,” Pansy promised.
“Come here.” Kade reached down and clasped Willa’s hand, hauling her on to his horse. With a touch of the reins, he maneuvered Rondo to stand beside Two Bits and lifted the girl into her saddle. “Now we’re ready to rumble.”
“Can I go now?” Two Bits did his statue impersonation while his young rider wiggled in the saddle.
“Watch me so you learn the barrel pattern.” Pansy loped Smog through the barrels, enjoying the feel of riding a well-trained horse. She stopped by Willa Wild. “Can you do that?”
“Pa showed me.” Willa Wild rode her horse to the line, grabbed her saddle horn. She leaned forward. “Tell me when to go.”
Pansy heard a snort and turned to see Kade trying unsuccessfully to contain his laughter. “Well, tell her to go,” he said when he’d caught his breath.
“Go!”
Willa Wild’s short legs pummeled Two Bits’ sides, kicking the air more than touching her horse. Her hands flapped with frantic energy while holding the reins. Two Bits took a tentative step forward then broke into a slow trot. “Look at me run,” Willa called as she tilted back and forth with each step.
The smile on Willa’s face couldn’t have been wider as she trotted across the finish line. “How fast was I?” The child was breathing much harder than her horse, but then, Pansy knew she’d worked harder.
“You were twenty. Twenty seconds.” Pansy looked at Kade. “You’re next.”
“You just watch.” Kade tipped his cowboy hat at Willa. “I’ll show you how this is done.”
“You’re gonna have to be fast to beat me,” the little girl called back.
He rode his horse to the line, lifted his reins as high as he could and yelled, “H-yah, h-yah!” Rondo shifted his weight, looking confused, but didn’t move a foot.
Willa Wild’s high-pitched laughter filled the arena. “You can’t make him go.”
Kade frowned at her. “I can too.” He bounced in his saddle, shook the reins at Rondo then slumped, a comical scowl on his face. “He won’t go.”
“You gotta— You gotta— You gotta kick him.” Willa Wild was having trouble getting the words out between the giggles.
“That’s how I make him go?” Kade turned to Willa Wild. “I just kick?”
The picture of the little cowgirl teaching the big bull rider to ride made Pansy sigh.
“Okay, here we go.” He touched his heels to Rondo’s sides, and the gelding trotted toward the second barrel.
“Wait, Kade! Wait!” Willa Wild bounced up and down on the small bay horse’s back. She waved her arms to get his attention.
Pansy watched Kade stop his horse and walk back to them.
“What now?” He lifted his hands, palm up in question, but he was having a hard time keeping his face straight.
Willa Wild patted him on the shoulder, stretching her small hand out to reach Kade. “You’re not very good at this, are you? You’re going the wrong way.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
For the last three days, at exactly two o’clock in the afternoon, Willa had dragged Pansy and Kade to the barn. And each time, two of the people in the arena had a great time. The other one wavered between having fun and wallowing in misery.
For the life of him, Kade couldn’t imagine what had happened to Pansy to cause her wide range of emotions.
Most of the time, pure joy lit on Pansy’s face as she watched Willa trot Two Bits through the barrels, but the beautiful expression could turn to pain at a moment’s notice.
A wave of guilt raced beneath his skin. If he’d stayed, maybe whatever tragedy she’d weathered wouldn’t have happened. Maybe she’d be happy now.
He’d known Pansy Lark better than anyone, or thought he had, but she’d changed. She was harder, more mercurial, a puzzle he couldn’t figure out.
Now that Willa had gone to the house with Clinton, it was time to try again. “Something’s going on. Want to tell me about it?”
Pansy lugged her saddle into the tack room and lifted it onto the rack. She picked the bridle up off the floor and hung it where it belonged. “I don’t know what you mean.” Her eyes narrowed and her lips clenched into a thin line, daring him to push her further.
Kade had never been one to back off from a fight. It was time to get this out in the open. “Look, you have fun helping Willa, but whenever I say anything, you look like I’ve killed your cat. I want to know what I did to deserve this.”
Pansy attempted a smile, a smile that didn’t work. “That’s silly. I never had a cat.”
He should keep this light, keep the banter going, but her obvious discomfort whenever she was around him, had him baffled. “You know what I mean. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. Drop it, please.”
He’d run the scenario of their breakup through his mind for hours each night, going over everything that had happened all those years ago.
Was she still this angry with him for leaving? Did she still think they should have gotten married right out of college? Had he hurt her that badly? “I don’t know what to do to make this better.”
“You never did.” Pansy headed for the house.
Kade caught her arm, stopping her in her tracks.
“Let me go.” She jerked her arm free. “You gave up the right to know my business seven years ago. As far as I’m concerned, you’re someone I met in another life. Nothing more.”
Lengthening his stride until he walked beside her, Kade took a moment to think. He hadn’t brought up the fight they’d had. Maybe now was the time. “I’m sorry I hurt you. We were kids. We needed to
grow up.”
She whirled on him. “You certainly helped me do that, whether I was ready or not.”
“I said I was sorry. What more do you want?”
“Why are you all-fired determined to get me to tell you every little thing that’s gone on in my life since you left?” Pansy stopped just before the porch. She bent and plucked a clover from the lawn, concentrating as she pulled off each leaf.
“I’m worried about you.” Kade leaned against the porch rail, crossing his arms across his chest. “I’m just worried.”
“I can take care of myself.” Pansy tossed what was left of the clover onto the lawn. “I’ve been doing it for seven years.”
“What do you want me to say?”
Pansy dropped to the step and stretched out her legs. Her smile didn’t hide the pain in her eyes. “There’s really nothing to say, is there?”
Dust smeared the legs of her Cruel Girl Jeans and her boots were worn. He could have sworn they were the same boots he’d bought for her birthday a few weeks before they broke up.
Pansy snapped her fingers to get his attention. “Back to you. I want you to tell me the truth about your accident.”
That was all she wanted? Hell, he’d tell her about that. No harm in cleaning up the story a little. “Ah, I got throwed off Swamp Fox at the Top Bulls & Cowboys Association bull riding in Nashville. You know, I was having the best year of my life. There wasn’t a bull I couldn’t ride until I got on that big yellow bastard.”
“So you just got thrown off? Why the vacation?” Pansy plucked another clover and twirled the stem between her fingers. She looked up at him, waiting.
Time to reroute these questions. “You know, last year at the finals, he threw me off at seven point nine seconds. The bastard cost me the year-end title. I’d have been the TBC world champion if I could have stayed on for another tenth of a second. This is personal.” He looked up to find her watching him the way he used to when they were together.
She always could read him, and he had the sneaking suspicion she knew more than he’d told her.
“How bad were you hurt?”
Kade sat down beside her, his thigh resting against hers. At least this way he didn’t have to look her in the eye when he told his white lies. “Not bad. Just thumped my head against the fence. He was a gentleman and didn’t step on me.”
“A concussion then.” She scooted to the edge of the step and leaned against the handrail. “How long were you out?”
There would be no putting Pansy off of this line of questions. “Less than ten minutes. It was nothing really. I feel fine.” He leaned back on his elbows and gave her his best smile. It used to work.
“So another grade three concussion. Have you had any others between the one in college and this one?” She raised her hand and touched her fingertips to his forehead. Shaking her head at him, she pulled her hand away. “I can’t do this.”
She grabbed the handrail and pulled herself to her feet.
As she stood, he rose with her and took her hands in his. “I’m fine. The doctor said I’m good to go in another couple of weeks.”
She stared into his eyes, her pupils outlined by the pale blue of her irises.
“Really, my head’s fine.” He tightened his grip on her fingers, but one by one, they slid from his grip. “Well as good as it’s ever been.”
She didn’t answer, just shook her head, her eyes welling with tears. As always, she knew everything he hadn’t said.
~*~
Pansy stood at the kitchen sink. Steam rolled off the hot water as dinner’s pans soaked. She’d begged off riding for the last several days. She couldn’t face Kade. She couldn’t face Willa, and no way was she ready to face her out-of-control feelings.
Her new best friend, Willa, had seemed disappointed Pansy wouldn’t ride, but with Kade to help her, she still had fun.
As hard as Pansy had tried to chase hope from her heart, the moment she’d seen him again a tiny dream had hatched—one where Kade gave up riding bulls.
That dream had been blasted into shards of glass, bits that cut her heart to shreds. He might ride for a few more years without another major injury, but she couldn’t take the chance.
Pulling a fresh steel wool pad from the box below the sink, she scrubbed at a burned-on speck in the bottom of the last pan. After rinsing it, she placed it in the drainer. As she stood watching the dirty water drain away, she heard voices from the living room.
Cary, Micah and the baby were finally home.
Deep breaths now. This was a happy occasion, she reminded herself. Folding the dishtowel lengthwise, she hung it on the twisted horseshoe Micah used to make a towel rack over the sink. Time to greet the family.
Cary stood, the baby in her arms, just inside the door with a smile as wide as the one on the Cheshire cat. Micah was behind her, his arms full of floral arrangements and presents.
Pansy pulled extra air into her lungs, pasted a smile on her face and went to meet Rodie. She peeked at the tiny, scrunched up face, and her heart gave a little lurch. Little eyes opened, and although she knew babies didn’t see very well at this age, she’d swear Rodie looked right at her.
Cary unwrapped him. Tiny crocheted cowboy boots covered his feet, and his onesie had a bucking horse on the front. If this little guy didn’t become a cowboy, it wouldn’t be his parents’ fault.
“Here.” Cary handed the baby to Pansy and took off toward the bathroom, one hand cradling her stitches. “I’ve got to go.”
Pansy gazed at the baby, all the time wondering how she got herself in this mess. Life had been much simpler when she was alone. Having Cary’s growing family and Kade and the town of East Hope around provided more commotion in a day than she’d had in all of the last seven years.
Just as she turned toward Micah to hand him his son, she found him watching her.
“Something wrong?”
“Not at all. I’m just glad you’re home safe and sound.”
“You looked at Rodie like he was a ghost.” Micah placed the flowers on the hearth and dropped the baby’s bag beside the couch. “What is it?”
She’d opened her mouth, trying to come up with a harmless lie, when they heard a knock. Millie came in carrying a large package. She dropped it to the floor and rushed to take the baby from Pansy.
The older woman peered at Rodie, stroking his cheek with a finger. “You little cutie, you. Who’s the best baby boy in the whole wide world? Rodie Owen, that’s who.” She lifted the baby to her shoulder, a wide smile beaming from her face. “He’s adorable, Micah. Where’s Cary?”
“She’ll be back in a minute.” Exhaustion darkened the area beneath Micah’s eyes, and Pansy realized just how hard this ordeal had been for him. Against all odds, Cary had found herself a good man.
Maybe . . . No! No use getting her hopes up just to be crushed by reality.
“I’ll get us something to drink. Coffee or tea?”
“Either,” Millie said, patting the baby on his back.
“I could use a beer.” Micah sank onto the couch with a sigh. “Where’s my Willa?”
“I saw her in the arena with Kade. I suspect she’ll be in as soon as she puts her horse away.” Millie walked to the rocker, but before she sat down, she lifted the baby away from her shoulder. “Your big sissy will be in soon, won’t she baby? Yes she will.”
Before the words were out of her mouth, Willa rushed through the front door. “Where’s my brother? Where’s Cary?”
“Doesn’t say a lot for me does it?” Micah said as he lifted his daughter and gave her a peck on the cheek. “I missed you Willa Wild.”
“Missed you too, Pa, but I gotta see my baby brother.” She wiggled until Micah put her down. “He needs me.”
“Come on over to the couch, and I’ll let you hold him.” Millie settled onto the sofa, Willa next to her. She unwrapped the blanket and let Willa get acquainted with her new brother.
The little girl picked up Rodie’s hand then touched his t
oes one by one. She looked from Millie to Micah. “Did he come out of Cary’s stomach? ‘Cause he looks too big for that.”
“Take it, Dad,” Millie said. “I’m too old to explain the birds and the bees.”
“That’s right. Millie explained sex to us, remember?” Kade stood inside the door.
Micah’s laugh rang through the room. “Yes, she did, and none to gently if I remember right.”
Millie blushed while she settled the baby onto Willa Wild’s lap, keeping a hand close.
Kade walked over to the baby. “He looks kind of like you when you were this age, Willa Wild.”
“Cept I was prettier, cause I’m a girl.”
The next hour sped by, filled with talking, laughing and many, many questions from Micah’s daughter.
Pansy stayed in the background, making sure everyone had something to eat, and that Cary didn’t try to wait on the others.
There wasn’t much to clean after lunch, but she took longer than she could have, before rejoining the group. She watched Cary and Micah with their two children and felt alternating emotions, happiness for her friends, and the sharp, green stab of envy.
“You need to get some rest.” Micah helped his wife up from the couch. “This little guy is going to be up several times tonight.”
With lots of hugs and kisses and well wishes, Millie and Clinton took the cue and made their departure.
As Pansy tidied the living room, she looked up to see Kade watching her. In fact, he’d been watching her all day. “What?”
“You’re pretty good at distancing yourself from everything and everyone, aren’t you?”
It wasn’t a question, and she knew it. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve been right here all along.” With a flip of her wrists, Pansy straightened the Pendleton blanket that hung over the back of the couch.
“What do you think of the baby?”
“I think he’s a baby. What am I supposed to think?” Her mind had taken to playing a game. On one hand, she wanted nothing more than for Kade to stop prying into her life. On the other hand, if he’d guess at her past and get it right, she could open up.
Sweet Cowboy Kisses (Sugar Coated Cowboys Book 2) Page 8