Plain Fear: Forgiven: A Novel

by Leanna Ellis

  Roc glanced up, saw Samuel, and stood. “Everything okay?”

  “Ja.”

  “You’re doing good work, Samuel.” Roc walked toward him, pushed open the door, and they stepped outside into the cool evening together. Crickets chirped and it sounded like a bullfrog looking for a lady friend.

  “Roc, I…” He hesitated and decided against voicing his doubts and concerns. “Good night.”

  Roc’s hand snagged Samuel’s arm. “No secrets here. If you have something to say, say it. Makes going into battle together easier.”

  “You think it’s coming to that?”

  Roc breathed in the night air and looked up at the stars filling the sky. “I do.”

  “How can you…how can we win?”

  “Because we have to. We have more to lose. Which translates: we have more to fight for. More important than that, we’re on God’s side. And whether we lose a battle here or there isn’t as important as the end result. We know how it will all turn out.”

  “I didn’t know you were so religious.”

  Roc shook his head. “Religious? No, I’m not that.”

  “But you pray.”

  “I’d be a fool not to.”

  “But what do you pray about?”

  Roc stared up at the stars and rocked back on his heels. “For answers. Guidance. Protection over my family.” He nodded toward Samuel. “My team. And”—he breathed in then out—“forgiveness.”

  That word twisted inside Samuel. “And do you believe God forgives you?”

  “I do.” His tone was confident. He raised three fingers. “I light three candles. One for my first wife, who I failed. She died because of those sons of bitches. The second is for my mother. I couldn’t protect her from my father. And the third is for my father, who I couldn’t help—and who is probably dead.”

  “Is that your fault?”

  Roc shrugged one shoulder. “Maybe. Maybe not. I pray for their souls, for my loss, and for the mistakes I make.”

  “You?” A measure of humor entered his tone but Samuel wasn’t joking.

  Neither was Roc when he said, “I do. Everyone does.”

  “You think God would”—Samuel swallowed hard—“forgive me?

  “I’m not a priest. But yes, I believe he would.”

  “You’ve killed before, Roc. You don’t feel guilty and light candles for those you’ve killed?”

  “Because I was defending someone, sometimes myself. Self-preservation kills guilt, I suppose. But also, I know what I’m called to do here, Samuel. I have no doubts about that. Every time I kill one of those vampires, I’m protecting an innocent from being killed or becoming one of them. And maybe that’s how you need to look at Jacob. He wasn’t innocent. He wasn’t the brother you knew. He was a killer. He killed innocent people. He would have killed Rachel that day. And her baby. Without one ounce of guilt. So the next time you feel guilty, think about that. Think of the ones you saved. Maybe someone like Naomi.”

  At the mention of Naomi, Samuel’s hands became fists. He would protect her, without hesitation or regret. “And pray, right?”

  Roc nodded, his mouth compressed in a thin line. “All you have to do is ask.”

  ***

  The Fisher family sat at the kitchen table, along with Samuel and Naomi, passing bowls of scrambled eggs, a platter of bacon, and a basket of biscuits. He stole a look at Naomi and remembered her soft kiss from last night. He’d met her at Levi’s and walked her home. But a dose of uncertainty pinched him in the gut. Was he wrong for wanting to be with her? His discussion with Roc had made him look solidly at the life that awaited him if he took that path.

  What would it mean for Naomi? He understood the risks on his own life. But was he also putting Naomi’s life in danger? What would be her response if he told her what he was doing every evening over at Roc’s? Would he risk her derision, astonishment, or disappointment? Even her rejection?

  She caught him looking in her direction and smiled. The pleasure in her eyes erased all his doubts and concerns.

  The crunch of tires on the gravel alerted everyone at the table. Samuel’s worried gaze collided with Levi’s. He rose first and strained to peer out the window.

  “Who is it?” Hannah asked.

  “I don’t know.” Levi stood now. “Don’t recognize the car.”

  “Could be a lost tourist,” Naomi suggested, who seemed to be the only one at the table who wasn’t concerned.

  Shrugging off his initial concern, Samuel sat back at the table and piled his plate high with a mound of scrambled eggs, biscuits, and diced potatoes. It wasn’t unusual for strangers to stop in, tourists trying to get a glimpse of the Amish world, travelers who got turned around, even occasionally a reporter wanting an interview or a novelist doing research. “Probably someone who got a whiff of this food. You outdid yourself this morning, Naomi.”

  A blush crept into her cheeks. She kept her eyes averted and passed him the butter.

  Levi headed toward the door. “I’ll see who it is and if they need help.”

  Hannah pushed back from her place at the table. “I’ll cover your plate until you get back.”

  One of the babies began to cry, and Hannah waved off Naomi, who started to rise. “They’re both probably hungry.”

  Naomi nodded and took the foil from Hannah and covered Levi’s plate, pinching the edges to seal in the heat. She avoided Samuel’s gaze as he did hers.

  “Never a dull moment around here, is there?” he asked.

  She smiled. “Oh, I forgot the marmalade.”

  He tried not to watch as she went to the refrigerator but his gaze was drawn to her. Only one thing stopped him from full-out pursuit. No matter where he lived, whichever lifestyle he embraced, he’d be forced to lie. There was no real choice, which didn’t sit well with Samuel. His own father had lied to him. He didn’t want to be that kind of a man. He didn’t want to lie to Naomi. But how could he tell her the truth?

  “Is everything all right, Samuel?” She returned to the table, head tilted as she studied him.

  “I was”—he poked his fork into his scrambled eggs, suddenly not hungry—“just thinking.”

  She didn’t pressure him to say any more. The sweep of her eyelashes shadowed her cheeks. Her innocence staggered him. His heart was lost to her. But how could they ever have a future together?

  The back door opened, and Levi peered inside. “Samuel, there’s a woman out here, says she knows you. Her name is Andi.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Roc sat on the edge of the small desk in the corner of his training facility. The whiteboard held Roberto’s writing—

  Then the earth laid accusation against the lawless ones.

  There is no darkness, nor shadow of death, where the workers of iniquity may hide themselves.

  The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eyes be healthy, thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness.

  Some of the scriptures were from the canonized Bible, others not. Roc recalled his old friend Anthony, who had shared these with him before he’d bought into all this vampire lore.

  Anthony. Roc pressed his forehead with his hand. Where was he now? Was he even alive? Roc should have gone searching for him sooner.

  Roberto swiped his hand over the whiteboard. “Kind of a depressing lecture, wasn’t it?”

  Roc reread the line at the top—The devil is one of God’s creations—as it disappeared beneath the eraser’s arcing sweep. Roc sighed. “Better hear it now rather than find out the truth the hard way.”

  “We all have the capacity to embrace evil.”

  Roc had seen it with his ex-partner on the New Orleans’ police force. Brody, who now went by the name Brydon, had done precisely that. Maybe not of his own free will, not at first any
way, but Brydon now enjoyed the perks of being a vampire. He would not be easy to kill. At least, not a second time. “Do you remember what you first told me when we met?”

  Roberto paused. “What’s that?”

  “Not to trust anyone. Not even you.”

  “Exactly.” Roberto went back to cleaning the board, but markers had discolored it and it would never be pure white again. “You can’t trust yourself either.”

  Roc nodded, knowing all too well he too carried a thirst for iniquity. The virtues in his life—Rachel and baby David—continuously pulled him toward the light.

  Roberto tossed the eraser onto the desk. “So what do you think?”

  “About?”

  “Samuel. Is he ready?”

  “Not yet, no.” Yet he was hopeful. With Samuel here in Pennsylvania, maybe Roc could finally pursue what had happened to Anthony while Samuel kept an eye on Rachel and David for him. “But maybe he’s ready for a test.”

  Roberto sat in a chair and surveyed Roc with those keen blue eyes. “You’re finally going after Father Anthony, are you?”

  Roc leaned forward, his elbow braced against his thigh. When he’d tracked Rachel to New Orleans and rescued her from Akiva, he’d been wounded by a vampire. The first person he’d gone to for help was Anthony Daly. But another priest had moved into his parish house. Roc had promised himself he’d find Anthony one day. “I owe him that much.”

  “Roc,” Roberto said in that fatherly tone he often invoked, “one of your best traits is loyalty. But don’t let the enemy use it against you. Anthony would never want you to risk your life for him. You know the two possibilities as well as I do. If he is dead, then Anthony knew the risks he took. If he is not one of us anymore, then it would be wise to avoid him.”

  “Because you think I couldn’t do my job?” Roc’s hand fisted. He hadn’t hesitated to kill his ex-partner, Brody. He should have stuck around and made sure he’d been dead. It was a mistake he wouldn’t make again. “You think I wouldn’t kill him?”

  Roberto laid a hand on Roc’s shoulder. “You would do what must be done, just as I would do. What else is there? And ultimately you would be helping Anthony, yes?”

  “Then why shouldn’t I go?”

  “Besides that you are committed here? Besides the fact that your wife and son need you too?” Roberto gave a squeeze to Roc’s shoulder before releasing him. “There is something—I don’t know how to explain it but—much more dangerous in encountering a vampire you once knew as human. First, it is easy to underestimate them. You believe they will react as they once did, as if they were human. You expect the same weaknesses, the same emotions. But they are no longer human. They no longer have the same love, fear, kindness we have. And for some reason, they are more vicious toward those they have known. It is as if the love they once had is distorted and twisted into a powerful hatred.”

  Roberto’s gaze shifted as if he was remembering something from his own past. “I have thought this hate stems from a jealousy over their loss of the life they once loved. Or maybe it is that those they knew remind them of what they lost, what they can never have again. I don’t know.” He leveled a steady gaze on Roc. “But I do know that if Anthony has been changed, then his hatred of you and all you represent will be mighty in its intensity.”

  Roc understood what Roberto was saying, and yet he couldn’t abandon his childhood friend any more than he could have abandoned Rachel or his son, David. He shoved his fingers through his hair. “He never quit on me, and I won’t quit on him.”

  Chapter Forty

  Samuel had changed.

  Instinctively, Andi recognized the signs. It wasn’t just that he wore traditional Amish attire, when she’d become accustomed to seeing him in jeans and T-shirts. His resigned facial expression turned the corners of his mouth downward rather than his usual affable smile. His reluctant footsteps brought him closer to her but not close enough. Maybe this wouldn’t be as easy as she had anticipated.

  And those weren’t all of the changes she saw in Samuel. He didn’t reach for her, didn’t offer a hug, not even a greeting. His eyes were cold and flat.

  “This place wasn’t easy to find,” she said but immediately regretted it. Maybe she should have started with a simple hi. But it was too late. Maybe the psychic had been right. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. But she had. So she lifted her chin a notch, defying Samuel to pretend he didn’t know her.

  Behind Samuel, the Amish man who had greeted her looked on from the porch. She moved toward Samuel but realized she was only making this worse.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, his tone flat.

  Anger fired inside her in response to his coldness. “Actually, I thought I was doing you a favor. But I was wrong. I can find my way home just fine.” She turned back to her Yaris.

  “Andi…wait.”

  But she ignored him and jerked open the driver’s door.

  “I’m sorry. You surprised me is all. I wasn’t expecting you.”

  She hesitated but didn’t close the door. “I sort of surprised myself coming here.”

  “What’s going on?” he asked, his words and tone even.

  “That research you were doing, remember? Well, I did some of my own. And I found some information I thought you might want.”

  He rubbed a hand over his clean-shaven jaw. “Maybe we should start again.” A slow smile emerged. “Hi.”

  She rewarded him with a hesitant smile of her own. “Hi.” She’d make Samuel want her, come to her, so she resisted reaching for him. Not yet. Patience. “How have you been?”

  “Good.” He nodded. “Busy.”

  “And your brother? He’s getting better?”

  “Levi is stronger every day. You met him, ja?”

  She brushed his sleeve with the tip of her finger. “Since he’s getting around now on his own, will you be coming home soon?”

  “It’s complicated.” Samuel rubbed the back of his neck. “You said you had information for me, something about my brother, Jacob?”

  “Can you get away for a couple of days?”

  Don’t push. She heard the voice in her head and rebuffed it. She knew what she was doing.

  Samuel ducked his head. “I don’t know that it’s a good time.”

  Irritated with herself and even more so with Brydon, she waved her hand toward the fields. “You’ve probably got chores. I could come back this evening and we can discuss it.”

  “Maybe I could meet you.”

  She smiled. Perfect. Some secluded spot would be better. She’d have more weapons in her arsenal to use in convincing him. “Works for me.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Naomi’s heart pumped in an unsteady rhythm, jerking ahead before slowing. What was wrong with her? While Hannah held one baby and Levi the other, Naomi tried to focus on cleaning the dishes. Through breakfast, she had smiled and fussed over the babies and forced down as much food as she could, all the while her mind lingered on what Samuel was doing outside. With that woman.

  Who was she? An English woman, at that. One who drove a car. According to Levi, she’d come all the way from Ohio. What kind of a woman struck out on her own like that?

  The same kind of woman, Naomi realized, who let her heart lead her. The way she had about Samuel. There was no understanding between Samuel and her. He’d walked her home a few times, kissed her even, and yet he’d made no promises. But even so, she’d carelessly allowed her heart to gallop ahead, unrestrained.

  Her older sister had her heart broken over a man who chose another as his wife. It had taken Lizzie months of heartache to move on and turn her attention toward someone else. Naomi had vowed not to let that happen to her. But something odd had happened since Samuel had arrived here. He’d rushed in to help his brother, risen early each day, worked hard in the barn and fields, and been kind enough to see her home at ni
ght. Other young men she knew seemed so sure of themselves, so confident in their purpose and beliefs, sometimes overly confident, that it had been refreshing to hear Samuel’s doubts expressed honestly.

  Eager to banish those thoughts, she removed the dishes from the table and scraped the plates into the sink. Standing in front of the window, she caught a glimpse of the English woman. A snug top outlined her feminine assets and even tighter blue denims rode low on her hips, revealing a wide expanse of flesh. Morning sunlight poured over those long auburn waves, worn loose around the woman’s shoulders, her glory revealed for all to see. Dark glasses hid her eyes and gave her a mysterious and alluring look. Worse, the woman edged closer to Samuel, placing a hand against his chest in a familiar way that made Naomi’s stomach clench.

  Heat burned her cheeks, and she turned away from the sink and refused to spy on them. It wasn’t her business. She would not judge either Samuel or this woman. But she caught an intimate moment between Levi and Hannah as he leaned toward his wife, brushed a finger along her neck, and kissed her on the mouth. Tears surged inside Naomi, and she fled the room.

  She found herself in Samuel’s bedroom. Flustered, she turned to leave but heard Hannah ask Levi, “You reckon Naomi’s all right?”

  Determined to prove she was fine, she straightened the sheets on the single bed and pulled the quilt toward the pillow. Smoothing her hand over the soft fabric, she imagined touching Samuel’s blond hair. The dangerous thought prickled her skin.

  Rushing on to avoid thoughts that took her down a rocky path, she detoured into Hannah and Levi’s room. She fussed with the crib sheets until her breathing calmed and her heart settled into its normal rhythm. What was wrong with her? Why was she so desperate for love? Was she that lonely? Covering her heart with her hands and twining her fingers with the ties of her prayer kapp, she whispered a prayer to the good Lord, laying her wishes and needs in His hands.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  His back pressed against the tree trunk. Shaded by the overarching branches and thick foliage, Brydon watched the lonely two-lane road. A slight breeze ruffled the leaves overhead.