by Rod Carstens
"It must feel good to find something you love and are good at." Tom said.
"When I act I loose myself. I am that person for that time. I find things out about myself and use them. It's so exciting."
"When you love something you always get good at it. The only thing I can compare it to is surfing from me. I loose myself when I am in the water," Tom said.
"You know one day you and I might just walk down a red carpet together at the premier of my latest movie. What would you think about that?" Kate said.
"That would be very cool indeed."
Kate rolled over onto her side and looked down at Tom, her hand gently caressing his chest.
"Me and my handsome Marine."
Her look told Tom just how much she really did wish for that fairy tale ending, and how much she did care for him. He pulled her to him and slowly gently made love to her for a long time before they fell asleep in each other's arms in their warm nest on the couch.
Tom stood under the outside shower after a long afternoon surfing session. An off shore breeze had held up all day make the conditions perfect for a long day of surfing. In Florida it was a rare day when off shore winds would last until the afternoon. They would usually come off the ocean brought about by the heat of the interior and blow the surf out. So today had been a treat and Tom had enjoyed him time in the water. Time was running out and he wanted to cram as much surfing and Kate into his last days as he could.
Tom had been surprised just how successful he had been these last days and weeks in separating the future and all that it meant and his time with Kate. It was as if he were soaking every second up with a consciousness that would forever hold these memories crystal clear through the coming years. He also found that when he was with Kate and focusing on them together the memories of Nam were never as strong or intrusive. It was as if she was able to keep them at bay with her caring. He questioned none of this only enjoyed it and was thankful for wherever it came from or what it meant. But there was one concern that he could not overcome. One that he did have to deal with and he had not idea how to do it, and that was how to end things. He had thought of everything from picking a fight to simply leaving one night without telling her he was going. Neither seemed fair to someone who had given him so much. Nor did he think either one would make things easier for her or for him. Today, and it seemed to change by the day, he thought he just might say goodbye as if everything were going to be fine and let nature take it course. But that would mean letters. Letters meant everything when you were in the bush and he was not sure he could take letters from her and Vietnam all at the same time. He had seen more than one guy get killed because he had received a letter from his girl that took him mind off surviving. Maybe Jack could help. He had come to think more and more of Jack as more than someone he had just met and been kind to him. He hoped they could stay in touch no matter what happened.
"Hey cowboy when are you going to come up? How long does a girl have to wait to see her boyfriend?"
"Your such a slut you can't even let a guy have a decent shower."
"Oh baby, I do love it when you sweet talk me. Get your ass up here Mr."
Tom wrapped a towel around his waist and climbed the stairs to find Kate waiting for him with two beers.
"Is that any way to talk to your girlfriend?" Kate said pretending to pout.
"You know what that does to me when you pout like that."
Kate widened her eyes in mock surprise. "Why sir I have no idea."
Tom swooped her up in his arms and they kissed passionately. The bottles in Kate's hands clinked together as they kissed. Then Tom's towel feel off. The both howled with laughter as Tom nude carried into the house.
"Help, help a nude man is carrying me away."
She finished the sentence with her mouth kissing Tom's. They didn't drink the beers for quite a while.
Chapter 38
When Tom woke early the next morning the surfing was rolling in with another off shore wind that held up long right hand shoulders that broke perfectly. He got up and into the water. He was running out of time he could spend in the only place that made him forget everything. Tom was coming out of the water after his afternoon surfing session when he saw Kate on the balcony.
"Jack called he is coming for dinner. He is bringing my lawyer so we can go over some things."
"Sounds good."
Tom washed off the board and put it up before rinsing off. When he came upstairs Kate was dressed and busy in the kitchen.
"What are we going to feed these guys? You and I have eaten all the steaks." Tom said.
"Babe, there are other foods besides steak. I have got some of my famous spaghetti going. I'll do a salad and some bread and we are all set."
"I am going to take a shower and change."
Kate held her face up to be kissed without stopping cutting up vegetables for the salad. Tom kissed her as went past. In the shower he had to work hard not to think about the fact that tomorrow would be the last day. He had to be at the airport tomorrow night.
He showered shaved and put on blue jeans and the dark blue polo pull over. He walked barefoot back into the living room. Jack was sitting with a drink with another man about Jack's age who somehow really did look like a lawyer. They both rose to greet Tom when they walked.
"Tom I would like you to meet one of the only honest lawyers in Hollywood. This is Ben Kline. Ben this Tom Ballard the young Marine I was telling you about."
The man extended his hand and Tom took it. It was soft in his hard grasp.
"Nice to meet you Tom."
"Nice to meet you sir." Tom said.
"Ben is Kate's lawyer. With all of the interest swirling around our Kate she has a couple of important decisions to make." Jack said.
Kate walked out of the kitchen and with a huge plate of spaghetti and placed it on the table in the small nook off the kitchen. The table was set with a couple of candles and a bottle of wine.
"Guys dinner is served. Babe, we are going to have some red wine with dinner. Do you want some or are you going to stick with beer?"
"I stick with my beer. Thanks." Tom said.
When they sat down he sat next to Kate and she reached over and squeezed his hand.
"Well, young lady it looks like we are going to have to expand your team." Ben said as they passed the spaghetti around.
"Really why?"
"Because the agency you are now using is great for photography bookings but do not do movie deals. So we are going to have to find you a new agent to handle either both or at least the movie end of things. Thanks I'll have some bread." Ben said.
Kate looked at Jack.
"He is right honey. Let Ben talk to your agency for you. They have been very good to you but you may need to work something out."
"I don't want to just drop them. I would never have made it this far without them. If we can I would like to cut a deal to split things with them if that is possible. Let them continue to handle my photo bookings and use another agency for my movie stuff."
"When there is this much money involved, anything is possible." Ben said with a smile.
Tom was feeling more and more as if these people lived in a world completely disconnected from his reality. A world that knew nothing of jungles and fear and sudden death, it was hard to understand how they could coexist in the same reality.
"Who do you suggest?" Kate said.
"Well, Jack and I had a long talk about who would be best. Naturally I have already gotten some calls from people sniffing around, trying to get an edge. But Jack and I think you should consider Bergstrom and Yeager."
Kate's eyes flew wide.
"They are the biggest names in the business."
"Exactly. They are interested. I made a call today. They want to have a meeting this week."
"Jack those guys are heavyweights. Why would they be interested in me?" Kate's healthy skepticism was kicking in, she had been around this town long enough to know nobody did anything that was not
in their own self-interest.
"Honey, I told you that you had made an impression. I've had two directors call about projects they are starting and wanted to know more about you."
"Too many actors that get hot do not plan things out. They take projects without thinking about the long-term consequences. Jack and I think B and Y will do a good job of weeding through the chaff, and finding the right projects for you. How you manage these next few years are critically important for a long career out here." Ben said.
Tom was hard pressed to believe what he was hearing. This all was so beyond his world, or understanding he just sat eating his spaghetti listening to what was said, as if watching a movie. Jack had been so right about the world Kate was about to enter.
"Well, I know your right. Jack and I have talked about managing things so you last a long time out here." Kate said.
"Good I will set up a meeting this week." Ben said. Then he held up his glass. "Here is to Kate, and her long career in Hollywood."
They finished their meal and were sitting on the balcony with cigarettes when Kate said.
"Tom I asked Jack to have Ben look into some things for you."
"What are you talking about? What things?"
Ben put his glass down, and leaned forward with elbows on his knees.
"Kate asked me about how to get you out of your situation."
"What situation?" Tom said completely confused.
Ben remained silent. He looked at Kate.
"Babe, listen. Everybody is avoiding this war if they can. Obviously you were not able to, so I asked Ben to explore ways you could get out of the service. Some way you did not have to go back."
Tom was too stunned to speak. Not go back. Get out of the service. It had never crossed his mind to do either. No matter what he was facing.
"Tom, I have talked to a number of people. They say really the only way not to go back is to ... well, to desert. Once you desert there are several legal, and not so legal ways to manage your future. You could..."
Tom suddenly stood straight up.
"Were you in on this?" Tom said to Jack.
"I tried to explain. Kate just wants to help you Tom." Jack said.
Tom was furious. Of course he had thought of not going back but he could not even face the thought deserting.
"Desert. Are you fucking crazy? Who do you think I am? It would be like I was spitting on Mac's grave. Mac and all the others that never backed down. They were always there for me. If I don't go back I would be letting all of them down. I could never do that and live with himself."
"Babe please. Just listen to what Ben has to say."
"Fuck that shit. I am no goddamn deserter. You should know that. Goddamn it, if you don't know me well enough by now, you are never going to know me. What do think I am... Jesus."
Tom threw his beer down then stormed down the stairs onto the beach. He knew this was his way out, but his anger was not faked. It was real. Not only was he mad at the offer, but also at being faced with Kate's future so soon. Not going back was too tempting to even think about. He knew not going back would destroy him, but just the thought of not facing that war again was like a light that led to a future, instead of the dark green jungle hell he now faced. Yet not going back was worse than what he faced if he went back to Nam. Just being given the choice had made him mad, mad that there was a choice instead of a fate. No, Kate's future would not include him and he knew that, just as he knew he had to face this war by himself.
Kate looked at Jack and Ben for help but both seemed resigned. She hesitated then ran after Tom. She caught up to him and grabbed his arm and spun him around.
"Tom please. Listen to me I was only trying to help."
"Kate it is hard enough going back without this shit. There is no way I could ever desert, and remain the man I am. If you care about me then you won't ask me to desert."
"Oh course I care about you. If you love me the way you say you do, you would desert to be with me." Kate said her voice rising in anger.
They stood there staring at one another the distance between them seemed to grow by the second. Each was facing the end with a mixture of anger and fear. Things were going in a very bad direction.
"Bullshit. If you cared you would never ask me to desert. You need to face reality."
"What are you talking about?"
It was as if Kate had never really thought about any of the simple reality of their situation.
"Kate, there is no way you can have a Marine boyfriend and become what they were talking about in there. It is easier just to make this the end. As much as I don't want it to end. This is it. You are going one way I'm going another. I've got close to three more years before I get out. Who knows where you will be by then. It has been great but now it's over. Not our fault, just the way it is. I go to Vietnam and you go make movies."
"You son of a bitch. If you wanted to you could stay with me. You could get out of this fucking war but you don't want to do you?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I heard you and Jack the other night. Talking about the war. You want to go back."
"Kate it's not like that..."
"You just like all the rest. Take what you want and leave me. You all leave." Kate seemed to spit these words out with real venom in them. Her face changing as she said them.
"What are you talking about?"
She stared at Tom for a very long moment her face becoming bitter and hard.
"Your just like the others."
Tom was stunned. He had no idea what she was talking about.
"What others? What are you talking about?" Tom said.
"You want to leave you are just using the war as an excuse. You want to go back. You like it. I watched you laughing and telling your war stories with Jack the other day like you were some big hero. But your no hero otherwise you would have gone up the stairs first not Mac. You were fucking scared and Mac died because of you. Some fucking hero you are."
Tom literally took a step back as if he had been physically slapped. She had said something that could never be taken back. She was the only one in the world who knew how he felt and she had used it against him. What she said changed things in ways he did not understand yet but could feel. Tom could see satisfaction in her eyes at how much she had hurt him.
She started at him as if she were waiting for some sort of answer then threw her wine glass down and ran into the house. Tom stood there staring out at the ocean. He heard loud voices from the house then the Porsche squealed out of the driveway and he knew she was gone. He stared at the breaking surf trying to put together the girl he fallen in love with the one who had been more cruel than he could understand. It was the first time in his life he learned how a woman could use what only she knew against a man. He suddenly knew what he had to do.
CHAPTER 39
Tom was still standing on the beach staring at the surf when Jack walked up to him.
"You all right?" Jack said.
"Yeah. Yeah. I guess so." Tom said his voice quite. "You saw this coming didn't you?"
"Yeah when she asked me to have Ben look into getting you out but I didn't expect her reaction. Look this is not how it was supposed to end. I was hoping it could end easier than this."
"Yeah so did I." Tom said still staring out at the ocean as if it could provide some answer to something that had no answers.
"What did you say?"
"That she could not have a Marine for a boyfriend and have the career you are talking about."
"She hadn't figured that out yet?"
"No."
"It says a lot about just how much she cares about you. Usually she is a realist. How did she take it?"
"She didn't take it well. She said...ah never mind. It is over. I guess it is for the best. I.."
"Need anything?"
Tom stared out at the ocean for a last time. Only the white water of the waves was visible in the darkness. The long tearing sound of the waves breaking was the only
sound that broke the long silence. He knew what he had to do.
"Yeah, I need a ride to airport. I am going back tonight." Tom said his voice low.
"Tom she will be back, when she calms down." Jack said.
"I don't think so. Even if she did tomorrow would be too hard after what she said tonight. It is easier just end it now. I am going to make my hat."
"Make your hat?"
"Haul ass." Tom said.
"What did she say?"
Tom hesitated then found he could not even tell Jack. "Nothing. Nothing."
He turned and looked at Jack. Jack knew he wasn't telling him everything.
"Tom what did she say?"
"Ask her. Will you take me to the airport or do I have to call a cab?"
"Sure, I'll give you a ride. Get your things together."
They went back into the house. As Tom was putting on his uniform he glanced at himself. The decorated Marine stared back at him, not the scared kid he had been before Vietnam. She was wrong about Mac it had been luck, but Mac did go up the stairs, and it should have been him. It don't mean nothing, he told himself. His face changed and he was back in country even before he had left. It was time. He took out the money he had brought with him for R&R. It was not much, a couple of hundred dollars, but it was all he had, he dropped in on the bed for Jack. He walked out.
"I'm ready."
Ben approached him looking uncomfortable. "Look I want to apologize. I did not mean to insult you or..."
Tom cut him off. "No sweat man. Don't worry about it. In fact, thanks for the time you spent. You didn't know me. You thought you helping somebody. It just wouldn't work for me."
Ben stuck out his hand and they shook hands.
"Good luck Tom." Ben said.
"Thanks."
Once they climbed into Jack's Jaguar Tom realized he had promised Mama Mac he would say goodbye before the left.
"Jack could you take me to Mama Mac's before we go the airport. I promised to see her before I went back."
"Sure."
Tom gave him the address. He still had the address the in pocket of his uniform. Jack drove them to the poor side of things in L.A.