by Rod Carstens
Jack pulled up in front of Mama Mac's small house. It was warmly lit in the gathering dark of the sunset. Tom slowly climbed the steps to her front door and knocked. It took time for Mama Mac to answer the door. Tom thought she looked older already in the weeks since Mac's funeral.
"Child it is so good to see you."
She gathered Tom into her arms and held him close. Tom returned the affection holding her longer than he should have. It was as if her affection was taking away some of the pain of his parting with Kate.
"What is the matter?" Mama Mac said.
"Nothing Mama Mac. I just wanted to say goodbye. I am heading back tonight."
She held him at arms length and stared at him for a long moment.
"Don't you try and lie to Mama Mac. Now tell me what is the matter."
"It's nothing. Mama. Honest."
She stared at him for another long moment before she said.
"It's that girl isn't it."
Tom looked away before he said. "No. No."
"You can't fool me. It is that girl. What happened?"
"Mama Mac it's nothing."
"Tell me."
"It's too late. We said things...she said things that...well that can't be taken back."
"Honey now you listen to me. You listen to me good do you understand. Women we can't use our fists to fight when we get hurt or scared. We use words. Those words can hurt more than any fist ever could. Do you understand?"
Tom was silent.
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"I was not sure about that girl when I first met her. I even warned her about hurting you, but once I saw they way she treated you and me the next day at the funeral I knew I was wrong about her. I saw the way she looked at you. She cared more about you than even she knew. No one acts the way she did without being one good person. She cares about you, maybe more than she wants to. You have got to forgive her for whatever she said. If I had to guess you leaving scared her, and she done took care of herself the only way a woman has, and that is with her words. Only a woman knows how to hurt her man the way nobody else ever could."
Tom looked at her wanting to believe her. Wanting to believe that Kate did care but what she had said.
"Now you listen to me Tom. That girl is worth forgiving. Do you understand? Do not let your pride get in the way. It has broken up more men and women than anything else. Do you hear me?"
Tom could only stare down at his feet. "I've got to go Mama Mac."
"If you lose each other you both will always regret it."
She pulled him into her arms again and said. "Tom you come home safe do you hear me? My Randy would have wanted you to even if he couldn't. Now do you understand me? You live and come home."
"Yes, ma'am." Tom said quietly.
She held him for a long moment the let him go. He climbed back into the Jag and Jack drove away, Mama Mac watched the car until it was out of sight. Then she wiped her eyes and went back into her small empty house.
It was silent ride as Jack drove him to the airport. Jack and Tom were both lost in their own thoughts. The radio blared into the beautiful California night. Paint it Black by the Stones pounded through the speakers. As Tom listened the words were seared into this memory.
I look inside myself and my heart is black.
I see my red door and must have it painted black.
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts,
It's not easy when your whole world is black.
When they arrived at the airport Jack insisted on walking Tom out to the gate. Tom checked in at the airline counter, and he had gotten lucky. There was flight leaving for Hawaii in half an hour, and it had room for a military standby. He could pick up his connecting flight in Hawaii tomorrow. Tom and Jack walked slowly out to the gate. There was not much to say between them.
"Tom she told me in detail what happened to her and her mother after her father died. There were a lot men around her mother and they always left Kate and her mother when they needed them the most. I am convinced something very bad happened with one of them but she won't tell me about what happened. She has good reason to be very careful with men. She only trusts me so far and there is still a wall. Look maybe when she cools down she'll come to her senses."
"And then what Jack?"
"I just didn't want it to end this way. You both care about each other. I wish it could have ended better." Jack said.
"She said things that changed things. She looked at me in a way I have never seen before as if I were somebody or something horrible. It is better this way. A clean break. Nothing long and drawn out. Like you said she can't have a Marine boyfriend and make it out here. No it's better this way." Tom said.
Tom dug into his pocket and handed him a piece of paper with his Vietnam address on it.
"When you get a chance give drop me a line. You know how important mail is out there."
Jack paused for a long moment and said. "I sure do. Consider it done."
Then it was time to board the airplane. They stood awkwardly for a few moments before. "I can't thank you enough for everything," Tom said
"Even the way it turned out?"
"Even with the way it turned out. None of it was your fault."
Tom stuck his hand out and Jack took it. They shook hands for a moment then Jack pulled him into a half hug. They slapped each other's back a couple of time before they broke apart.
"You keep that ass down there son." Jack said.
"I will Jack." Tom said.
He turned leaving Jack to stare after him and walked onto the plane. Jack turned away so Tom would not see him wipe tears out of his eyes. Tom found his seat and settled in next to a fat woman in a Hawaiian shirt. He could see Jack standing at the window watching the plane pull away from the gate.
CHAPTER 40
Jack was sitting with a strong drink on the balcony watching the ocean when Kate finally returned. He glanced at his watch it was close to three in the morning. He could hear her looking through the house for Tom.
"Tom? Where are you baby?"
Finally she came out to the balcony.
"Jack where is Tom. I need to apologize to him. I afraid I lost it a bit out there and said some things to him that I should not have. You know me I can have a mean mouth on me when I want to."
"He's not here Kate." Jack said.
"Where is he?" Kate said.
"He's on his way back to Vietnam. I took him to the airport and saw him off."
Kate's faced turned white at the realization that Tom was gone.
"Goddamnit Jack how could you do that? You know me I get mad then I get over it. You knew I would come to my senses. Goddamn you, why did you let this happen."
"What are you talking about?"
"He listens to you. You could have talked him out of it if you really wanted to. You were just jealous. You, you..."
It suddenly dawned on Jack that something much bigger was going on here. Tom had been unwilling to tell him what she had said.
"Kate what did you say to him?"
"What do you mean?'
"Don't play cute with me. You know you said something you shouldn't have. That is why you are so upset. What did you say Kate?"
Kate turned toward the ocean, unable to face him.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Kate we don't lie to each other. What did you say to him?
In voice that was so low Jack could just barely hear her
"I told him he was afraid and let Mac go upstairs first. That he was the reason Mac died."
"What!" Jack bolted out of his chair. "Oh God Kate. Why in God's name would you say that?"
"Please Jack. I know it was bad but if I could just talk to him I know he will forgive me. I…I was afraid. I…"
"You are the only person in the world who knew just how much that would hurt him and you said it. God Kate how could you have?"
Jack looked at her in a way she had never seen before.
"J
ack don't look at me that way. I just got carried away. I said something I shouldn't have. I can make it up to him."
"I'm afraid you can't this time Kate. There is no way in hell you could fix it even if he was here. He is on a plane to Vietnam and you won't be able to fix shit."
Kate stood there tearing welling up in her eyes.
"I got scared again."
"Scared of what Kate? Scared of what?"
Kate hesitated then looked at him with a sadness he had never seen in her before.
"Jack you know the story I tell about fighting off Billy Bob?"
"Yes."
"Well I didn't fight him off. He told me he loved me and talked his way into my bed. He took me. Then he told my mother and left us. My mother blamed me and beat me almost into the hospital. She told everybody in town about it, about how her daughter was such a slut to cover up her own fear. She had to blame somebody and it wasn't going to her."
Kate hesitated then looked up at Jack her tear stained contorted as if what she was about to say something she had to physically pull out of herself.
"Jack he got me pregnant. I was only fifteen. So Mama arranged for an..." Kate could not bring herself to say the word. "To get rid of it. Well we did but things went bad. Mama didn't have much money and the woman was drunk."
Kate cried harder and said. "I can't have any children."
Jack stared at her and suddenly all of the walls and the things he had not understood made sense. He held out his arms and she came to him. He held her close.
"I lost it all to that son-of-bitch. So she used me as her excuse. Instead of help from my own mother all I got was blame and hatred. I was branded in that town. That's when I left. I haven't trusted another man until you then Tom came along. I didn't want to trust Tom but I did in spite of myself. So when he said he was not going to desert and stay with me. Well the old shit came out. I felt like I had been used like Billy Bob. I just wanted to hurt him."
Kate looked up at Jack her face tear streaked.
"Jack I fucked it up. Didn't I?"
"No kiddo. Fate fucked it up, you just helped it along."
Kate cried for a long time. He fed her strong drinks until she was sleepy enough to be put to bed. He sat on the deck drinking. From time to time he found himself crying sometimes it was for Tom. Other times it was for Kate and her fear. But finally for that fickle son of a bitch that put those two kids together in the first place. It was the same son of a bitch that had killed so many friends on those stinking islands in the Pacific.
CHAPTER 41
MOVIE SET
COLLEGE PARK, FLORIDA
1993
"Kate you are not giving me what I need in this scene. You are the supposed to be the evil stepmother to Brandy at this point. You have not made the connection with Brandy's character yet. You two are still sizing each other up. Now please can you try and put more of an edge on it?" Joanna the director said.
"I'm sorry Jo. I am not getting it today. Can we rehearse it a couple of times? I think I could get closer if I worked with Brandy." Kate said.
"Sure. Where's Brandy?"
"She snuck off to have a cigarette. I think she is in her trailer. It is the only place she could sneak one without someone taking a picture." Joanna's assistant said.
"Could you please get her then? Maybe I could keep this picture on budget if I had all of the actors on the set at the same damn time."
The assistant turned and ran toward Brandy's trailer. Kate and the director exchanged a glance.
"We were all young once." Kate said.
"Yeah, but really Kate. Just show up and know your lines."
"Jo you didn't know me when I was her age. I made her look like a real pro. I think they invented the word diva for me."
"Please Kate stop it. I never heard a whisper about you."
"If you stay in the business long enough they forget. Honey I been around since the Stone Age."
"Look let take a few minutes and think about this scene. Go to your trailer take some time. I want re-light the thing anyway. I think I can change the mood with a lighting change."
"Give Rachel a call when your ready for me," Kate said.
Kate walked slowly away to try and find the emotions that Jo wanted from her character. She was having a hard time with this picture and she simply did not know why. She walked alone among the familiar bustle of the set. Men and women carrying equipment and costumes moved about her. Maybe she was finally losing her edge. The movie was about the Sixties and reading the script had brought back memories for those turbulent years of her youth and of the weeks with Tom. Maybe her own memories were getting in the way of her performance.
She opened the door and stepped into her trailer. It was a long way from the little tent they had on the set of the Big Waves. She had not thought of those weeks in years; Tom and the Beach House in 1968, so long ago yet still so vivid. The memories were bittersweet and exciting all at the same time. So much had happened since then. Kate thought those memories would have faded with all that had occurred over the years. The movies, TV and even a Broadway play in the mix, not to mention the marriages and divorces, but none of those were as clear and sharp as those weeks in '68. Funny she had not thought of him in a long time. The memories gave her a wonderful warm feeling mixed with guilt and sadness at how it ended. She reached her trailer opened the door and walked in, lost in thought.
"Kate, Kate. Anybody home?"
Kate looked up Rachel was standing in front of her with her copy of the script.
"Sorry honey. I was a million miles away. What did you need?"
"Mom called and wants you to call her back when you get a chance, nothing big just checking in."
Gretchen was Kate's oldest friend in L.A and Rachel's mother. She and Gretchen went back to the diner where they both met Jack. It all seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Tell her I'll call her back right after I get this scene right. I swear something is wrong and I can't figure it out. Hand me the script."
Rachel handed her the script. She was serving as her assistant though she thought of her as a niece. Kate had changed her diapers. Gretchen wanted to get her out of LA for a while and Kate had been happy to help. Gretchen thought she needed a little of the real world to help ground her. Kate thought she was well grounded. She was a perfect mix of Gretchen's sexiness in an all American girl package. Tall with a mane of rich brown hair that had natural golden highlights that framed a face with huge dark eyes that could make her look innocent one moment and sexy the next. She was level headed and completely unaffected by her looks, Gretchen's fame and money. Kate and Gretchen had worked hard to keep her that way in spite of her privileges and the access to some of the industry's elite. She was dressed in blue jeans, a men’s shirt with the sleeves rolled up, boots and her hair carelessly pulled up in a loose knot. A radio poked out from under her shirt. She looked like any other assistant, not the daughter of an established and successful Hollywood actress.
"You agent called and said McCormick is interested in using you in his next project. An Indie with what your agent called a great script."
"He calls any script great. He interested in his cut." Kate said wearily.
"He got you this one."
"Yeah, a vehicle for a child to start to break her mold."
"Now that is not what you told me the other day. You said this was one the better scripts you had seen in years and Brandy was a much better actress they you had expected."
Kate took out a cigarette and lit it with a beat up old stainless steel lighter with a gold eagle globe and anchor on it before she said.
"I hate it when you pay attention to what I say."
"I supposed to remind you not to smoke except on set in character." Kate said and reached for a cigarette herself and lit it with Kate's lighter.
"I am studying my characters lines it helps me concentrate."
"By the way where in the hell did you get that ugly old lighter. It looks older than I am." She said
turning it in her hand.
Kate stopped and looked at it. She took it back from Rachel before she answered. She held it in her palm and gently caressed the eagle globe and anchor with her thumb. She never had the chance to give it back to Tom after the last night. She ran across it in the back of her dresser when she was packing for the film. She had brought it along hoping it would remind her of the Sixties. It was reminding her of so much more.
"Oh, I don't remember."
"One other thing." Rachel said.
"Yes," Kate said without looking up from the script.
"Michael called."
Kate put the script down and looked at Rachel.
"Well come on, give. What now?"
"He says he sorry and asks you to forgive him."
"For what?"
"He didn't say."
"Sweetie as you know it was time for change. It was fun but I need a grown up. He is very pretty to look at and fairly good where it counts but enough was enough. Just say I'm busy whenever he calls."
"He's in some Southeast Asia country filming. It must have been in the middle of the night. Kate I think he might really care."
Kate gave her a tired look.
"Honey the only thing he cares about is his own ego. He can't stand the fact that I am the one who called it off and not him. It's his ego that is hurting not his heart. Did Jack call?"
"Yeah he said he would call tonight when you got back to the condo."
"Great. I haven't talked to him in ages. Anything else?"
"The movie publicist; what's her name called. She wants to set up an interview the New York Times and wanted to give you a heads up. Some local media called looking for a interview. The usual kind of stuff."
"Sounds good." Kate said absently as she stared at the script.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I've got a date tonight. So I won't be around if you need me."
Kate looked up with a smile.
"I don't need you at night and you know it. Your just bragging about the date. Now tell your old Aunt Kate all about it," Kate said putting the script down.