by Rod Carstens
"God it is a wonderful story but as you said you both are not the same people you were back then."
"Look, we're just a couple of friends getting together to reminisce about old times. We were only together for a couple of weeks back in 1968 for god's sake. We are ancient history." Rachel realized Kate was trying to control her own expectations for the evening and not having much luck doing it.
"You can bullshit a lot of people but not me. This is your niece remember?" Rachel said.
"Not officially my niece. Niece by friendship."
"The best kind." Rachel said.
Kate stopped and smiled at her. "Absolutely. Besides what is there to tell? God it has been twenty years. I told you the story it was a wonderful interlude. Something out of place. A wonderfully lucky meeting. We were both so young. So innocent."
Kate's voice trailed off and Rachel could see her lost in memories that were making her happier than she had seen her in years. Their story had almost a fairy tale feeling to it. Rachel understood how it would be hard to face today's reality and loose that wonderful memory.
"Who knows what he's like now? It could be just a dinner with a little sharing stories about old times," Kate said.
"Aunt Kate, you know I never give you advise about men or anything else for that matter but..."
Kate looked at Rachel she had never said something like that to her before.
"But?"
"Look you know more about all of this than I ever will but the way your acting...I mean it not like you. It's like your getting your hopes up about what could happen. And it didn't work last time and what makes you think it could work this time?"
"Go on." Kate said.
"Well it could never work. He's a fireman for god's sake. Your Kate Newhouse. You can't go back twenty years and start something again now. It's too late. The Aunt Kate I know would be telling you the same thing if she were here."
Her words struck Kate where she was most vulnerable. The place Tom and Jack knew and tried to tell her so many times. She was right the LA Kate would be telling a friend the same thing. Then without thinking Kate suddenly said defensively.
"Your going out with Brian and you know you like him."
"Kate I'm not trying to fool myself about our future. He's a fireman just like Tom and when we finish filming I am going back to LA and to my life. Brian will do the same. It will have been a nice, no it's better than that, a wonderful time, but we both know that we come from two different worlds and we were not meant to be."
Kate was taken back by Rachel's remarks. It was as if Tom had written a script for her. Maybe Rachel was right. Maybe she was fooling herself because she wanted things to be the way they had been. It had been so long without the trust and love she had found with Tom that she could be fooling herself. Maybe they had had their chance and it had not worked out.
"No, I'm not fooling myself," Kate said before she even had given thought to the idea. "No, we were thrown together on that plane in 1968. It would not have happened if I had not pushed things and while the ending was difficult there was a reason behind it. Tom needed what I could give him to face Mac's funeral and he gave me much in return. No, this is fate throwing us together again and I am not going to ignore it. I would always regret it if I did. Now I need to get dressed."
Rachel looked at her for a long moment. She understood the Aunt Kate conversation was over and it was time to move on.
"What the hell am I going to wear? I don't want to throw Hollywood and money in his face." Kate said.
"Then stick with the jeans and white blouse you've got laying on the bed. With the belt with big silver buckle and your boots."
"You think?"
"I think."
Kate picked up the blue jeans and began to put them on. As she dressed she said.
"Have you got anything going?"
"Kate this guy has really gotten you. It's Brian we talked about him this afternoon."
Kate just chuckled. "Help I've turned into an eighteen your again. So it's not your first date what are you guys doing?"
Rachel paused before she said. "Remember its our third date."
Kate gave her a long look.
"The third date, well, well, well is it decision time?" Kate said.
"Yeah he is funny and interesting and he has been nothing but a gentleman."
"You sound disappointed."
"I am. I am used to LA guys who are born with more than two hands. I am not used to someone... well normal. So I'm thinking we are going to play I'll show you my mine if you some me yours tonight."
Kate laughed. "You better watch it, those kind of guys can be habit forming."
They both laughed. Rachel stood up.
"Well I have got my own date tonight. I am going to leave you now. Do you think you can finish dressing without my help?"
"Get out of here." Kate said with a laugh.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't." Rachel said over her shoulder.
"God that doesn't leave much."
Rachel shook her head as she left. She did not want to see Kate hurt. It was surprising to see one of the smartest, no nonsense women she ever knew hurt by fooling herself about a twenty-year-old relationship. She hoped she knew what she was doing. That is one thought that Rachel had never thought she would have about her Aunt Kate in a lifetime.
CHAPTER 55
Kate walked up to the front door and took a deep breath. She pushed her sunglasses on top of her head and rang the doorbell. She heard him coming to answer the door. Her heart quickened, as he got closer. She took another deep breath. The door opened and there he stood in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals. He was heavier through the shoulders and arms than she remembered the other day. Now that the shock of seeing him again was over she noticed the details of the man she had known so long ago. His face was creased and lined with the life he had led, and there was grey in his hair that showed he was not vain about getting older. He looked wonderful.
"Hi, come on in. Did you have trouble finding the place?" Tom said.
"No, no problems at all."
"Good please come in."
They were both being very formal. Feeling their way along. A Golden Retriever came up, wagging her tail madly. She bumped against Kate.
"I am sorry. Gaby, don't bother our guest."
Kate knelt down and hugged her close. Gaby licked her hand in gratitude.
"She is the queen of this house." Tom said.
We'll see about that Kate thought. She was very curious to see if there were any feminine signs in the house, the marks of a woman in his life. The room had floor to ceiling bookshelves on one wall, filled with all types of books and pictures. There were several of what must have been his son playing baseball; others had his son laughing with friends at various ages. A couple of the pictures were of Tom and the boy together, but there were no pictures of a woman. Hardwood floors, area rugs and large leather chairs with brass lamps next to them finished off the furnishing. It was a warm and inviting room.
"I love your place." Kate said.
"Well thanks, that's nice considering what you are used to."
On the wall directly in front of here was a huge black and white photography that was at least three feet on a side. It was of a large white cloud reflected in the water of a grass filled swamp. It was as if the photographer had encapsulated Florida into a single image.
"My god this is wonderful."
"It's my pride and joy. It's a Clyde Butcher. He's a Florida photographer that some compare to Ansel Adams. I think he's the modern day Ansel Adams. Anyway, I saved for a couple of years to be able to afford it."
"I love it. So you are an art collector?"
"Not on my salary, but his stuff is so good. My hobby is photography, and it something of inspiration to have it around."
Kate looked at him, he was very proud of the photo and seemed pleased she had enjoyed it so much.
"Well you did good there cowboy." Kate said with a smile.
"Come on in. Can I offer you a glass of wine or a drink? I have some nice chardonnay in the fridge for you if you want it or I have nicely stocked bar."
"Would you mind if I asked for something stronger. I think I might need it tonight."
"I've been told I made a good martini. She claims to be an expert."
"Now that sounds good." Kate knew that martini's were the drink with the younger set these days. So it had to be a younger woman. Kate leaned on the granite counter topped counter that separated the kitchen from the dining room and watched as Tom build her drink with the expertise of long practice. His kitchen was small but completely remodeled with the latest stainless steel appliances and new cabinets. Hand towels were hanging as if just used, the knives and other kitchen paraphernalia were all within easy reach; it was obviously a well-used kitchen. There was not a single feminine touch. It was a man's kitchen. That is when she knew there was no woman living in the house but by the way he made the martini she had the feeling he did not want for female company. That fact made her jealous which surprised her.
Tom handed her the drink and Kate took a sip. It was perfect. "She was right this is perfect. You cook?"
"Yeah, I do. I enjoy it. Had to learn after the divorce, when Danny would come over. I had always liked to cook, but I didn't get serious until then. I now read cookbooks to pick up tips."
He pulled a beer out the refrigerator for himself and said.
"I thought we could have our drinks out on the deck before dinner."
He led her out to a big deck that overlooked a lush Florida landscape. It was all shades of green with a few splashes of color provided by Impatiens in clay pots scattered around the yard.
"This is wonderful. I just love it." Kate said.
They sat in director chairs facing one another. He propped his legs up on the railing on the deck. Kate noticed a group of small white scars on his legs. Those were the wounds that were still healing when they were together so long ago. The sight of all those old scars brought back a flood of memories.
"Oh, I almost forgot. Do you want some music?"
"Sure what have you got?"
"How about some Simon and Garfunkel?"
"Sounds good." Kate said. She lit a cigarette and smiled as the "Sounds of Silence" came over the speakers. It was a song that they had both loved, and listened to time and again at the beach. He remembers everything and is trying hard, but now what?
"It's a beautiful night." Kate said. Oh, that was a good icebreaker she thought.
"Yes it is." Tom said as he sat down. Then noticing that she was smoking he said. "Are you nervous?"
Kate gave him a look then said. "Yes I am, there smart ass."
"I know the feeling."
Their eyes met and held for a long moment. Then they sat in silence for a moments listening to music. Each lost in their own thoughts.
"Ok this was your idea." Tom said.
Kate looked at him and took a deep breath. "Yes it was. I said I needed to say some things and I really do want to know about your life."
"Ok."
"You're not making this easy are you?"
"I'm not trying to I just don't where to begin or really what to say." Tom was not trying to make it hard on her he was simply protecting himself.
"No I guess not. Look the first thing I wanted to get out of the way was the way it ended. That was a terrible way for something that had been so wonderful to end. Jack told me that you would understand eventually but I felt just awful. I can have a mean mouth on me when I want to and well I used it. Tommy I was scared and you weren't really who I was scared of."
"Who were you scared of Kate? What had I done?"
Kate looked at him and took a deep drag on her cigarette. She exhaled a thick stream of smoke waiting before she said something.
"It wasn't you it was Billy Bob. You remember the story I told you on the plane?"
"Yeah sure. But noting happened."
"That's not true. A lot happened." Kate went into detail of his seduction of her and then the night he forced himself on her and the nights after that until she finally fought back. How she told her mother had blamed her for everything and damn near beat her until she was in the hospital. Billy Bob had been a good meal ticket and she would have to find another. She told him about the abortion and that she could never have kids. After that it all became intolerable. So she had run away. Her mother never looked for her so she was completely on her own. The men she met on the road all seemed to be one form of Billy Bob or another.
So she had developed a healthy dislike of men while at the same time she learned to use her looks to get what she needed out of them. It remained that way until she met Jack. She only began trusting him because he did things for her without asking for anything in return. At first she just waited for the other shoe to drop but it never did and that is when she began to trust him more than anyone in the world besides Gretchen, her only friend in L.A, beside Jack. Then she they had met and their time together had been so different from anything she had ever experienced she had been unsure if she could trust her feelings or him for that matter. He was leaving and that was just like all the others. She was scared and lashed out.
"Oh god, Kate why didn't you tell me? It would have made a difference. I might have understood why you said what you did."
"Tommy I know that now, back then those things were just not talked about and if you did you were branded a loose woman or worse. So I made up the story." Kate said.
"You know it strange but Mama Mac told me something that if I had listened would have explained a lot."
"Mama Mac. When, how in the world?" Kate said.
"On the way to the airport I had Jack drive me by her house to say goodbye, like I promised. She immediately knew something was wrong but I refused to tell her anything. That's when she looked at me and said 'it's that girl isn't it?'.
Kate remembered how she had warned her about hurting Tommy. She couldn't imagine what she had said.
"First she said that anyone who had helped us get through Mac's funeral was nothing but a good person. Someone who could care so much about two people she had just met was someone special. Then she said something must have scared you that caused you to say things you did. She said women can't hurt their men with their fists, but they can hurt them with their words. She told me if I didn't go back there and find out what was wrong with you then I was a fool and I would always regret it."
Kate was completely taken off guard by what Mama Mac had said. She had seen through all of the expensive clothes and attitude and seen the little girl that was under it all.
"Oh my god." Kate said sitting back in her chair, her eyes tearing up. "That wonderful wise woman even in her grief cared enough to worry about two people she hardly knew. You know I felt as safe and loved in that house as my own. She was a unique woman. I wish I had gotten to know her better."
"She was right." Tom said. "I ran away that night. I took the easy way out. I could have stayed and found out why you had said those things. I knew you. What you said hurt, it hurt bad but somewhere I knew the Kate I knew wasn't saying them. That is was somebody else, somebody that was buried deep down where scary things live. I knew that if I stayed and fought things out I could have found out, but the next day would have been too hard. It was all ready very hard to leave you and the beach house to go back I didn't know what would have happened if I had stayed. When we had the blow up it was just easier to leave with you gone. I took the coward’s way out. Your not the only one who was scared that night."
That got her. She reached into her purse and tabbed at her eyes to keep the tears from running down her face.
"Ah youth. Opportunities missed. Being young does have it drawbacks." Kate said. "I'm not sure who I'm crying you, me, us or Mama Mac who lost her son."
They both sat there for sometime before either said anything.
"It wouldn't have worked even if we had tried." Tom finally said. "You still had all of the mistrust rolling around ju
st waiting for any sign of something going wrong."
"Yeah I know but the funny part of it was I never felt any of those fears until that last night. You were the only man I had ever met that I trusted and wasn't scared of what you were going to do to me. To this day I have never reacted to someone like I reacted to you from the first moment I met you. I have never really thought of it that way before." Kate said looking up at him. "I wonder what might have been if we had tried?"
"It is best not to think about it. I was really messed up when I got home. It was like I was in this circle of memories of the war, my guilt about Mac and you. So I did what a lot of us were doing back then drinking and drugs to get through the nights. I got in a lot of fights, all the things that they now recognized as PTSD. It lasted even after I got on the department; it ruined my marriage and almost cost me my son. No, even if we tried I was in no shape for a relationship."
"Well I was going to say the same thing. Everything Jack tried to warn me about to keep my feet on the ground, well I ignored. When I was in front of the camera I felt appreciated for the first time in my life since my father had died. The modeling gave me a taste but it was the acting that really fed that need. The Super Model thing had not happened and models were low on the fame totem pole but an actress that was something else. When I was on a set or in front of the camera, all of those feelings I had left over from Billy Bob just were washed away by the attention they lavished on me. It hit me where I was most vulnerable and I lapped it up. It was wonderful, but I had things mixed up for a long time. I lived in a bubble. Hell I still live in that bubble but I at least understand it now."
"Look," Tom said. "It ended before that night on the beach. I knew it wouldn't work when you found out how good you were in the movie. You said now I'm going to be somebody. After all these years I remember that moment. I couldn't have been happier for you and yet I knew what it meant for us. From that day on I kept thinking how we were going to say goodbye. I finally came up with acting like you were going to wait for me and just let things take their course. When you had that lawyer look into me deserting well that gave me an out. I reacted the way I did because it was so tempting, but something I could never do. It gave me a reason to run away from saying goodbye. Look I took a cowards way out but I simply didn't have what it took to go through something like that. I was holding on by my fingernails as it was. So I was as much to blame as you are. It was just the way it was."