Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  "Does she have someone that makes her happy?"

  "Back to Kate are we? Are you sure your not still carrying the torch?"

  Tom didn't say anything he knew she was right but couldn't say it out loud. Gretchen looked at him for a long time before she answered as if she were weighing the answer.

  "Her relationships since we got rid of the last husband have all been what I call the LA Olympics. She finally learned her lessons. You always keep your guard up and keep score for everything. You never really trust anyone. Everyone has an agenda when you get to the level where we play."

  "That sounds terrible way to live."

  "Honey, it the price we pay for the money and the fame. Some never get used to it and are always complaining about it but it is a waste of time. When you choose to do this you can't complain about it. It is part of the deal and you only have to pay the price if you get lucky and are successful enough. I've come to think of it as whining by people who should consider themselves lucky to have gotten as far as they have. Kate is very good at the game now."

  "Why did she keep getting married then? When I knew her back in the day she had a healthy cynicism about men."

  "You happened my friend. For once in her life she had a relationship with a good man. For a long time she kept trying to find you and they always came up short."

  "Bullshit. Don't start that shit."

  "Afraid it true my Tommy. Take it from the gal that had to pick up the pieces each time. No when she got really drunk or stoned after one of the breakups there was always a time when you came up."

  Tom dug his feet into the sand and stared out at the ocean. The white water was all you could see in the darkness. Hearing that she still cared underneath everything was almost too much to bear. It had been the same for him over the years. She was always there, sometimes hidden but always in the back of his mind no matter what the reality of their lives was at any given point.

  "But look at what she has and what she has accomplished. She has everything she dreamed of back then."

  "But that won't keep her bed warm at night." Gretchen said.

  "Bullshit. It's been twenty years. Now she's rich and famous and I'm just a fucking fireman. Same as '68 only different. Nothings changed. We are two people from two different realities that do not fit together. It was the reason we couldn't be together then and those reasons have only gotten bigger."

  "That may be but you can't fool this old Hollywood broad. I'm pretty good at playing the game sweetie so I know the score. When I saw you two together getting off the plane she was different. Then at the funeral the only thing that held her together was you. I know my girl and you were her rock in the worse time of her life and you hadn't seem each other in twenty years. I've never seen her act the way she does around you accept Jack or I. You two are connected in a very special way. I wish I had had someone like you in my life. Honey I would have give all of this up and meet you at the door every day barefoot and pregnant if I had what you two have. No Kate still cares about you and trusts you even after twenty years."

  "Gretchen don't."

  Gretchen leaned forward on her elbows.

  "Listen to me. If she had gotten off that plane with any other person other than you, anyone from LA or in the business. She would have never let herself go that way in front of them. This is ruthless, cutthroat town. Even for Kate. She and I are very tough characters we do not show weakness in front people we do not trust."

  "What?"

  "Honey, out here any show of weakness and somebody will work to find a way to exploit it for their own gains. When she was that upset the wrong person could have used it for leverage in any number of ways. You play your cards very close to your vest. So she would never have fallen apart."

  "But..."

  "Listen honey, there are no but's to this rule. Unless she trusted you completely she would never have let herself go the way she did at the airport. She would have held it together until we were alone and then let herself go. That's when I knew."

  "Jesus, I can't imagine living like that. When I was in the Corp or now when I go to work I have to depend on the guy next to me. Like him or not. Want him there or not. That is the one rule. Anyone who is not trustworthy is not tolerated. I have seen more than one run off the department by the guys. No you have to depend on one another. I can't imagine living the way you have to."

  "Sweetie, like anything. There are pro's and con's to everything. Out here you pay for the money and fame with your trust. No, people close to us have screwed Kate and me in every possible way. No, pun intended for me at least. You do not trust easily or lightly."

  Tom chuckled only Gretchen could say something so profound and intimate and still make him laugh.

  "No, Mr. Tom. Our girl trusts you and that is the seal of approval for me."

  Tom leaned down and built himself another drink and took a long pull on it. It was too much to take in. She still cared and trusted him and he felt the same but nothing had changed. It had only gotten more complicated with in the world do you do with something like that. Finally to break the silence and change the subject Tom looked at her with a smile and said.

  "Seal of approval? Maybe having you meet me at the door in blue jeans and a t-shirt sounds awfully good. Maybe I could begin to like blondes." Tom said.

  Gretchen gave him a "give me break" look.

  "Oh come on, I know when I don't have a chance. I know when someone is already taken. Weather he wants to be or not."

  "Gretchen, the fire department is not just a job to me it is a calling. I can't give it up and survive. I need it. Do you think Kate could give up acting?"

  "No," Gretchen said. "She feels the same about acting."

  "We live on two different planets. You know I don't fit here and she damn sure doesn't fit in Florida." Tom said.

  "Tom this is not twenty years ago. She has changed and so have you. I know that with money and the amount of fame she has a lot of things are possible. She is not an eighteen year old girl afraid of her demons." Gretchen said.

  "I could never be her purse holder at some opening."

  "Damn it Tom whose is asking you to."

  They sat there quietly drinking and starting out into the darkness at the surf. Each lost in their own thoughts when Rachel came down the stairs. She had a very concerned look on her face. She stood in front of Tom and said.

  "It's Brian. We were talking and those sounds...what do you call them?"

  "The stations tones." Tom said.

  "Yeah, they went off and he said he had to go."

  "He just said got a run Rach". He's fine." Tom said.

  "But it has been close to two hours now and he always calls me back by now. Could something have happened to him?"

  "No, sweetie. Here give me your phone."

  Rachel handed Tom the phone and he dialed the dispatcher’s number.

  "Hey Pat, this is Chief Ballard. Having a quite night?"

  He listened for a moment then said.

  "Thank you, the funeral was today. The hard part is over. I should be out of here in another week. Where is Engine 8?"

  He listened for a moment.

  "Have they been released yet?" Tom said. He waited for the answer.

  "Well, when they get back in quarters have Brian call me at this number."

  He listened and nodded to when heard they would.

  "Thanks. Talk to you when I get back. Have a quite night."

  Tom closed the phone and handed it back to Rachel.

  "Sweetie, he just had a fire. They were first in and so they should be released soon. He'll get the message and when he sees the number he'll know it's you and not me."

  "Thank you so much." Rachel said.

  Then a flash of real concern flashed across her face as she took in exactly what Tom had said meant.

  "You mean he was at a real fire?"

  "Yeah, a couple of apartments were going. A good one as we say. Brian was first due and his crew made a good knock-down."

/>   "Knock down?"

  "Yeah the made the first attack on the fire. Brian if I know him pushed right on in and put the fire out."

  Rachel seemed shaken by the knowledge that Brian had been in danger the whole time.

  "He said he didn't get that many fires?"

  "We do and we don't. It runs in streaks. He's at station that gets more than their share. Whats the matter?" Tom said.

  "I just never thought of how it can intrude on my life and his. I mean I was just talking to him and then he is going into a burning building, while I just was having a drink." Rachel said.

  "I sometimes think it is harder for the wives and girlfriends than it is for us. We know what we are getting into and if it is anything to worry about, you just have your imagination."

  "I don't know if..."

  Then her phone rang.

  "Brian baby, are you all right?"

  Rachel listened intently for a moment.

  "Don't you say of course. You were on a fire."

  Rachel walked off down the beach to have some privacy as she talked to Brian.

  "Thank you there Chief. You made my baby girl feel a lot better."

  Tom just shrugged. "My pleasure."

  "You know people like us are in this big bubble and we sit here save and secure because of people like you. We are not aware of the realities that happen everyday unless we watch the news. It is shocking to know somebody you know and care about that just fought a fire. We only play at that stuff for camera. What you said about the wives and girlfriends was more than nice it showed a real understanding of what was causing her fear. Somebody else would have laughed it off." Gretchen said.

  "Yeah, most people don't understand what it really means. Your quite a broad there Gretchen."

  "Thank kind sir. Now if you were a real gentleman you would fill this girl's glass she is getting thirsty."

  Gretchen held up her glass.

  "To you and those like you. There are damn few of you left." Gretchen said. "Are you sure you don't like blondes?"

  "Well now that you mention it. There was this one blonde."

  Gretchen kicked sand at him and said. "More Jack stories. I need to tell you about the time he punched John Wayne."

  CHAPTER 60

  Gretchen, Tom and Rachel were still on the beach when Kate finally came down. Tom had found the firewood, it was in the same place it had been in the 1960's and started a fire. The three of them had gotten another bottle of Vodka and were drinking and telling Jack stories.

  "Well here she is. You finally run the stragglers out?" Gretchen said.

  "Yeah, a few forgot why they were here and were deep into putting together a project."

  "Ah, good old Follywood. No gathering escapes making money." Gretchen said.

  "Don't suppose there is any more of that Vodka left." Kate said. She looked tired and drained.

  She sat down in a beach chair next to Tom. He produced a glass with ice and a lime wedge.

  "Looks like you were expecting me." Kate said.

  "I should have come up and rescued you but I honestly didn't have energy. We've been down her for a couple of hours and those stairs look mighty high." Gretchen said.

  Kate took one of Tom's hands into her own and leaned her head on his shoulder.

  "Mother dear. I think it is time I got you home." Rachel said.

  "You know what my lovely daughter. I think you are right."

  They stood together and Rachel put her arm around her mother’s waist to help steady her.

  "Night all. See you tomorrow." Gretchen said.

  As they walked arm in arm toward Gretchen's house down the beach Rachel turned and said. "Thanks for the phone call to Brian."

  "Anytime sweetie." Tom said.

  Rachel and her mother disappeared into the darkness.

  "What phone call?" Kate asked yawning.

  "Oh, Brian caught a pretty good fire and could not return her call for a few hours and she was worried. I just made a phone call to dispatch and found out what was going on and made sure Brian would call her as soon as he got back in quarters."

  "That’s nice." Kate said yawning again. She took a sip of her drink and snuggled closer. Tom put his arm around her shoulders. Memories poured through him, the two of them sitting on the beach in front of a fire on this same beach a whole lifetime ago now.

  Kate was nodding off, she snuggled deeper into his shoulder. It was hard to believe it was over twenty years ago. The memories were so strong it was as if they had happened only last week. He half expected Jack to come out on the balcony and shout hello. So much and yet seemingly so little had changed since 1968. The events of those times still drove the events today. It was a very strange feeling with memories both good and bad all mixed together with no time line to separate them. Hue and the smells and sights of death one second then the thought of making love to Kate. Each emotion was as strong as the other yet neither won they were all part of the same experience somehow. It was strange how life could mix the bad with the good all at the same time.

  Tom sat there staring at the fire letting his thoughts drift over the whole of 1968 and the events. All brought back by a simple fire on the beach with a woman's head on his shoulder. The biggest surprise is how much Jack was in midst of those memories. Not the years after that he had so helped Tom deal with Vietnam and the department but those weeks he spent here in Jacks house and the dinners they had together.

  Tom watched the fire slowly die to embers letting those memories come as they would to him without trying to stop them or deal with them. They had long ago become part of what made him who he was. He sat there reliving a very intense part of his life. Back then he had lived every moment as if it were his last. Jack had taught him that. Somehow he thought that only the young caught up in a war could ever live as intensely as he and Kate had during those days. He had never thought of those weeks in the context of the years that had passed by so quickly. Now he realized just how much they had shaped him through out the rest of his life. So much of who he was today had been shaped by the weeks here with Jack and Kate. Each in their own way had left lasting changes in him. It was not at all clear to him that Vietnam had affected anymore than his weeks here in this house with these two people. Kate had taught him how to love a woman and how a woman could love a man. While Jack had prepared him for the struggles he would have to face to survive Vietnam and it aftermath in his life.

  The embers were almost out when he finally decided to call it a night. He took the last sip of his drink and stood up. Kate was sound asleep; her drink long ago had fallen into the sand. He did what he had done several times in 1968. He reached down picked Kate up in his arms like she was child. She couldn't have weighted more than ten pounds more than when she was a teenager. She purred in her sleep and snuggled her face into Tom's neck. Tom carried her up the stairs and into Jack's old bedroom. Still half asleep he helped Kate undress and put her under the covers. He was about the leave her when she reached up and took his arm.

  "Tommy please I don't want to sleep alone."

  He slipped out of the suit pants, shirt and tie and moved under the sheets next to Kate. She snuggled into the crook of his arm with one leg thrown over his just as she had done so long ago, it felt normal as if they done the same thing the night before. Kate was asleep almost immediately her breath gentle on his chest. He slept more soundly than he had in years.

  CHAPTER 61

  Tom was the first to wake. It was hard to tell what time it was with the room still dark. They had changed positions little. Kate had moved closer her head resting on his chest, her leg still thrown across his, her breathing slow and regular. He hesitated then gently stroked her hair; it was as soft and silky as he remembered. Everything seemed so familiar it was almost confusing. He knew what year it was and that it had been so very long since they had slept together but he felt so comfortable it was if they had been sleeping together all these years. He put his arm around Kate's shoulder and pulled her closer. She snug
gled into his chest in her sleep. He was soon asleep again.

  The next time he woke he realized that Kate was awake. She was gently caressing his chest and staring at him.

  "Morning." She said.

  "Morning."

  She was beautiful in the morning light. Her age showed in tiny lines around her eyes but she was still the beautiful wild girl he had loved so long ago. He just stared at that wonderful face; he reached up and gently stroked her hair. She closed her eyes at his touch. It was then that he realized she had taken off her bra and her bare breasts were soft against his chest. Her nipples hardened at his touch. She gave him a small smile and sighed with contentment.

  "Did you sleep well?" Tom said.

  "Yeah Tommy. The best in years."

  He brushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes and she kissed his hand.

  "You know in all the dinners we've had we haven't talked about one subject." Kate said.

  "What are you talking about?"

  Kate just arched an eyebrow and moved gently against him.

  "You mean the sex," Tom said.

  "Tommy we never had sex."

  "What are you talking about?"

  Kate smiled a small gentle smile having caught him in her little trap. "Tommy we never had sex. We always made love."

  "Would you believe me if I said I don't know what your talking about?" Tom said.

  "No Tommy."

  Tom had discovered over the years exactly what she meant. Even with his ex-wife when things were good, it had not been like it had been with Kate. It had not even approached it. Kate had given herself to him in a way he had never experienced before or after. Kate was staring at him the way she had done the long years ago. He moved uncomfortably under her gaze. It only caused her to smile.

  "What the matter there cowboy?"

  "Kate I never told I had very little experience back then, a girl in high school and a few prostitutes in Mexico and Vietnam before you. The first time we slept together it was...well it was...."

  Kate just smiled and said. "Yes it most certainly was."

  "No, Kate you knew I wasn't very experienced and you worked to make it special for me."