Hopeful Monsters

by Nicholas Mosley

  I said 'Well why don't you take us?'

  He said 'Because I'd be responsible.'

  I said 'Responsible for what?'

  He said 'For the poor men, God help them, who might want to make you not virgins.'

  At weekends Bruno and Trixie and I would go out to the woods and lakes on the outskirts of Berlin; we would hire a boat and row out on the lakes; we would watch the courting couples who lay under the trees. One of the conventions of our relationship seemed to be that neither Trixie nor I became sexually involved with Bruno: we did not question this: I thought - It just seems to be necessary if our three-sided relationship is to continue.

  Trixie said 'I don't believe you know where to take us.'

  Bruno said 'It costs money.'

  Trixie said 'Then how do we make money?'

  Bruno said 'Trixie, Trixie, you want me to tell you how to make money!'

  I thought - But none of us are really meaning what we are saying.

  Near one of the lakes we visited on the western outskirts of Berlin, the Wannsee, was the grave of the writer Heinrich von Kleist who had shot himself at this spot together with his girlfriend

  in 1811. A fence had been put up round a tombstone which was inscribed with Kleist's name and the dates of his birth and death and then the words 4 He lived, sang and suffered in hard and sorrowful times: he sought death on this spot and found immortality/

  We were all three passionate admirers of Kleist. We would stand and stare at his grave; we did not know what more to do about it.

  I said 'Why did he shoot himself!'

  Bruno said 'Because he thought he could see only what was in his own head, and no one understood what he was saying.'

  Trixie said 'Why did he shoot his girlfriend?'

  Bruno said 'Because she had cancer.'

  I thought - You mean, what are the connections between one thing and another?

  Trixie and I went on pressing Bruno to take us to see the nightlife of Berlin. He was a year older than us; he was used to going to bars and cafes on his own. Trixie said 'But what exactly do you have to do there?'

  Bruno said 'Not much.'

  I said 'I mean, what do you let men do to you?'

  He said 'Nellie, you are not supposed to know about such things!'

  This was a time when people called me Nellie. I have been known at different times as Eleanor, Helena, Elena, Nell, Nellie.

  Then Bruno said 'But it is probably true, yes, that you could make money and still be virgins.'

  Trixie said 'How?'

  Bruno said 'Oh for God's sake, all right, do I have to show you?'

  It was arranged that Trixie would tell her parents that she was staying with me for a night and I would tell my father that I was staying with Trixie for a night; Bruno apparently did not have to say anything to his parents. I tried to say what I had to say to my father in such a way that he would both believe and not believe me. He said 'But you will be all right?'

  I said'Yes, I'll be all right.'

  I thought - This saying of things without saying them - this is the sort of thing we have often talked about, isn't it?

  Trixie and Bruno and I met in a cafe. Trixie was wearing high-heeled shoes and stockings and a short skirt. I was wearing flat shoes and socks and a skirt like a kilt. Bruno was wearing a pale grey suit with a waistcoat. He said 'Oh my God, you two, may you suffer for the guilt of your innocent friend!'

  Trixie said 'But you keep on telling us nothing will happen.'

  Bruno said 'Promise me, nothing will happen!'

  I said 'Bruno, stop acting.'

  Bruno 'You want me to stop acting? You want nothing to happen even before it has begun?'

  Bruno began to explain what it was we had to do. Every now and then he broke off and rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands. I thought - You mean you have to act in order to make things both happen and not happen?

  He said 'It's not really very difficult. People are lonely. One of the ways they think they can stop being lonely is by talking to people and giving them money.'

  Trixie said 'They just give us money?'

  Bruno said 'You won't believe this.'

  I said 'But what do we have to do?'

  Bruno said 'I keep telling you, there's nothing you have to do. You just sit and be nice for a time and talk, and then people give you their money.'

  Trixie said 'Who?'

  Bruno said 'English or Americans. Don't sit with German boys, or Frenchmen; they won't give you money.'

  Trixie said 'And what do they do when you've got the money?'

  Bruno said 'I've told you you won't believe this. You tell them you have to go home. They're quite relieved at this.'

  I said 'Is this true?'

  Bruno said 'Nellie, you're not allowed a direct question!'

  Bruno and Trixie and I got a bus to a part of the town where I had not been before; it was somewhere off the road on the way to my mother's soup-kitchen. There was a traffic jam with bright lights beyond it. I thought - People are queuing up here for some sort of food from a kitchen.

  Trixie went on 'We say we want money for - what? - a hotel room or something?'

  Bruno said 'Look, let's call this off, shall we?'

  I said 'We say we have to go and book a hotel room and then we bugger off somewhere quite different with the money.'

  Bruno shouted 'Let me out of here!' He began to stagger along the central aisle of the bus.

  I thought - But, of course, this is just the place where we should be getting off the bus anyway.

  In the streets there were women of the kind I had seen here and

  there in other parts of the town - tall, top-heavy women like square-rigged sailing-ships in a high wind. Some were being pulled along by small dogs; some carried canes or even whips. One called out to Bruno as we went past 'Don't sit down, ducky, or you'll cut your arse on eggshells!' Bruno called back 'It would take more than eggshells to make a dent on yours!'

  Trixie said 'How did you learn that?'

  Bruno said 'Now just one look and then we'll go home.'

  I said 'But we can't go home.'

  Bruno said 'Why not?'

  I said 'Because we have told our parents we are staying out for the night.'

  Bruno said 'All right, we'll get a hotel room. If I tell you the name of a hotel, will you remember it if we get separated?'

  Trixie said 'We're getting the money for a hotel room anyway.'

  I said 'But it'll be a different hotel.'

  Trixie said 'I don't see why if we're going to be on our own anyway.'

  Bruno said 'Will you two be quiet?'

  The place we were heading for was a cafe-theatre called the Resi. Here the audience or clientele sat in a semi-circle in tiers in small wooden compartments like stalls: in each compartment there was a bench and a table and a telephone, and the receiving and delivering end of a network of pipes through which, by means of a vacuum pump, messages could be passed in small cylinders from one compartment to another. On the stage there were displays of spurting and cascading water; on these were shone coloured lights to an accompaniment of music. The whole set-up I suppose was controlled by one of those mechanisms like that of a steam organ -the unwinding of a giant roll like lavatory paper. The effect was indeed like being in the presence of some giant's insides: on the stage water sprayed and splashed and squirted; at one's table one waited for little cylinders to pop in and out of holes; all this was supposed to be to do with the satisfying of desire; even love.

  Trixie and Bruno and I sat at our table and hoped for a message to pop out from our particular hole. I said 'Or shall we shove a message in?' Trixie said 'Which hole is which?' Bruno said 'At your age, darling, and you still don't know.' After a time Trixie said 'All this splashing, it makes me want to pee.' Bruno said 'Trixie, you'll make a fortune at this game.'

  I said 'I think it's like some sort of practice about how to stay alive.'

  Bruno said 'Nellie, if you were Jael, wife of Heber the K
enite, and you were about to bang a tent-peg through the temples of Sisera the Captain of the Canaanites, you would say that it was all some practice about how to stay alive.'

  I said 'Well it was, wasn't it?'

  Bruno was in fact the first one of us to be picked up. One of the tubes by our table began to wheeze and fart: then out popped a little cylinder with a rolled-up message inside. The message said 'Zeus awaits his Ganymede at Table 27.' Trixie said 'How do you know I'm not Ganymede?' Bruno said 'Tell her, Nellie, will you.' I said 'Ganymede was a boy.' Trixie said 'As a matter of fact, I think Nellie's much the most beautiful boy here.'

  Then I felt suddenly as if my insides were turning to water; splashing and churning with coloured lights and music.

  Bruno said 'Now remember what I've told you: only go to the tables of English or Americans; don't leave this place without me; sit or dance with them here. I'll come back, and then we'll go to the hotel.'

  Trixie said 'We'll have to get money before we go to a hotel.'

  I said 'We'll tell them we've got an old grandmother who is starving.'

  Bruno said 'Tell them you've got a boyfriend for whom you've got to put up bail for pimping.'

  Trixie said 'Bruno, we love you, we're grateful, really.'

  When Bruno had left us Trixie and I sat in our compartment and held hands. Trixie was a blonde girl with a mouth like a hot dusty cornfield. Bruno had got us a drink which was some sort of false champagne. I thought - But I did know, did I, that with Trixie there would be these coloured lights, shapes, music; this message at my throat like flashing tongues -

  Trixie said 'What do you think Bruno does with his men?'

  I said 'I suppose they kiss, don't they?'

  Trixie said 'Can I kiss you?'

  I said 'We can go to the hotel?'

  Trixie and I kissed, holding hands. I suppose we had drunk quite a bit of champagne. I put my head down on her shoulder: she put her hand at the back of my neck. Sometimes our telephone rang; sometimes a little cylinder popped out of one of the holes. But the messages were mostly from German boys who just wanted to be

  witty - to show off their prowess at sending bits of paper in and out of holes. One of the messages said 'Greetings to the two most perfect daisies in the chain.' Trixie wrote 'Greetings to those who sit underneath the chain.' She said 'Do you think that's witty?' I said 'Trixie, I love you.' Trixie lifted the flap at the end of one of the pipes and put the cylinder in and it was sucked into the hole. She said 'I love you too.'

  There were two American couples at a table just above us: at least they looked like Americans - the women had scraped-back hair and the men were like the casings of Egyptian mummies. They had been leaning over the front of their compartment watching Trixie and me; then after a time the two women got up and left. I thought

  - Well this might be all right. Our telephone rang and it was the two American men asking us to join them. Trixie had handed the telephone to me because she did not speak English. I said Tm afraid we are waiting for our friend.' Trixie said 'Are you mad?' I said into the telephone 'But we'll join you for a minute.' Trixie said 'Oh I see.' On our way to the Americans' table I said 'But we can really go to a hotel?'

  The Americans were in their late twenties or early thirties; they ordered some more so-called 'champagne'. They were already quite drunk. When I looked round the auditorium I could see no sign of Bruno. The display of water and coloured lights had stopped; a dance-band had appeared at the back of the stage: people were dancing with the strange shaking movements that were fashionable at the time - as if they were being attacked by bees; as if they had not even been looking for honey. One of the Americans asked Trixie to dance. I thought - Of course I have always loved Trixie: I did not know until now about feelings like messages being sucked into holes; about putting my tongue inside her.

  The American I was with said 'How old are you?'

  'Seventeen.'

  'You don't look seventeen.'

  'No, we are not seventeen.'

  The American kissed me; he was like crumbling plaster; I thought

  - He is a fungus growing out of a crack in a wall.

  Then - Will there be a basin in which I can wash his taste from me in the hotel room where I will be with Trixie?

  When Trixie came back from the dance-floor she said 'Has yours said anything about money?'

  I said 'No.'

  Trixie said 'I don't think these two nose-pickers know they're supposed to give us money.'

  Trixie's American said 'What does your friend say?'

  I said 'She says she has a grandmother or something who is starving.'

  Trixie and I began to fall about, laughing.

  My American said 'Do you two girls want to go to a hotel?'

  I suppose Trixie and I were quite drunk by this time. What is the feeling - that things are worth a risk? That of course nothing that one doesn't know about happens without a risk? Well it is true, isn't it. I said to my American 'Those were your wives you were with just now?' My American said 'Yes.' I said 'You want us to book into a hotel?'

  Trixie's American said 'You'll say you are our wives?'

  I said to Trixie 'This will be all right.'

  Trixie and I and the two Americans went into the street to find a taxi. Trixie gave the driver the name of the hotel that Bruno had told us about. I said 'Is that wise?' The driver said 'You two girls shouldn't be going to that hotel.' Trixie said 'Oh we're not really going to that hotel.' The driver said 'Oh I see.' My American said 'Did I hear you say we wouldn't be going to that hotel?' I said in English 'I said that for the driver.' Trixie's American said 'Oh I see.' When we got to the hotel Trixie said 'Tell them we'll have to have quite a lot of money in order to fix the man behind the desk.' I said in English 'We'll have to have quite a lot of money to fix the man behind the desk.' My American said 'Why, if you're going to say you are our wives?' I said 'Because we're only fifteen.' Trixie and I were falling about, laughing. Trixie's American was going to sleep, he kept toppling sideways, he had to be propped up by my American. The driver said 'Well do you or don't you want to go into the hotel?' I said in English to my American 'We will have to get two double rooms for you and your wives.' Trixie said 'Are you saying that for the driver?' Trixie and I hung on to each other, laughing. My American said 'You two girls seem very fond of each other.' Trixie's American said 'Give them the money.' My American said 'Why?' The other said 'They're only fifteen.' After a time my American pulled out a roll of notes and gave to me what seemed an enormous amount of money. I said 'Thank you very much.' I kissed him. Trixie and I got out of the taxi and ran into the hotel.

  The man behind the desk started saying 'You two girls can't come in here on your own.' Trixie said 'We're not, we're with

  those two Americans.' The man behind the desk said 'Oh I see.' While he was turning to get the key we heard the taxi drive away, with the Americans still in it; the man behind the desk paused; I said to him 'It's all right, they've gone to get their wives.' Trixie said 'Oh I see.' We went on laughing.

  I remember that hotel room: it was orange and brown; there was a pink advertisement-light outside the window. Trixie and I stood facing each other; we put our hands on each other's shoulders; it was not really like those flashing lights and music and spurting and cascading water: that was outside: this was within: this was something like a religious ceremony. Well it was the first time, wasn't it: what else is love? There are hands that shape the transformations of the body: spittle on the tongue like blood. Trixie said 'I didn't know it would be like this.' I said 'No, I didn't know it would be like this.' Trixie said 'How have we managed it?' I said 'I don't know.' I thought - So this is where you get to, where there are no words left; where there is no light but pressure as if at the bottom of the ocean.

  Sometime in the middle of the night there was a quiet knocking on our door and I thought - The police? The man behind the desk? Dear God, those two Americans and their wives? Then Bruno's voice said 'It's me, Bruno.' I said '
Bruno!' I jumped out of bed. I thought - But we have forgotten Bruno! When he came in he looked white and sad in the pale pink light. He said 'What have you two been doing?' I said 'Bruno, Bruno, we're all right!' I jumped back into bed: Trixie was on her front sleeping. Bruno said 'The man downstairs said you were here with two Americans and their wives.' I thought - Oh I could manage, now, even the two Americans and their wives! I said 'And what have you been up to Bruno?' Bruno sat down on the edge of our bed: it seemed as if he were about to cry. I said 'Bruno. Bruno!' I put my arms around him. He said 'It's so awful.' Trixie half woke up and said 'What is it?' I said 'It's Bruno.' Trixie said 'Tell him to get into bed.' I pulled back the bedclothes and said 'Get in.' Bruno said 'Is that all right?' I thought - He has been so good to us, we are so lucky, he can be our child. Trixie said 'Put him in the middle.' I said 'Come in the middle.' He said 'Aren't I lucky!'

  Sometime in the middle of the night I woke and it seemed that Bruno and Trixie were making love. I lay with my back to them. I thought - Well, I am not jealous: am I supposed to be jealous?

  In the morning Bruno said 'Now it's your turn, Nellie.'

  I said 'You never, Bruno!'

  Trixie watched us. She said 'Am I supposed to be jealous?'

  I thought - I suppose things may never be so good between the three of us again.

  When later that morning I got home to our apartment my father heard me and came out into the hall. He looked as if he might be somehow frightened of me. He said 'Are you all right?' I said 'Yes, I'm all right.' He said Trixie's mother telephoned last night and asked if she could speak to her.' After a time I said 'So what did you say?' He said 'I said that you and she were taking the cat for a walk.' I thought - But one doesn't take cats for walks. Then - Oh I see. I said 'Thank you. Thank you very much.' He said 'But you are all right?' I said 'Yes, I'm all right.' My father said 'You look all right.' He came and put his arms around me. He said 'You will always tell me, won't you, if you are not?' I said 'Yes, I will.' I thought suddenly - But perhaps now I will not be so close to my father. He let go of me, and stepped back. I said 'You do know, don't you, that I've learned everything from you.'