Lovestrong

by Nikki Groom

  “Fucking thing,” I curse under my breath as someone knocks on the door. “D, I told you just walk in, man,” I call out, trying to reign in my temper tantrum. “Not like you’re gonna walk in on me bangin’ some bird, is it?” I mutter bitterly behind gritted teeth as the door opens and the air is sucked from the room.

  “Hi,” Lottie says shyly, coming to stand just inside the door.

  “Hi.” I can’t help the surprise in my voice. She was the last person I was expecting to see and I immediately feel guilty for my last comment. This is the first time I’ve seen her in five weeks, and it causes such a mixed reaction within me. I hate the awkwardness that bounces between us. It shouldn’t be like this. It was never there before, not even in the beginning. It was me and her, and within minutes of being in her presence, I knew we were going to be us.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, I … I know you didn’t want to see me but if you don’t mind, I just want to speak with you for a few minutes.” She fiddles with the buttons on her blouse and it actually pains me to see her, my Lottie, who has always been so brash, so unapologetic and full of life, become so shy and unsure. Her fiery red hair that usually shines as bright as her blue eyes, looks flat.

  “Lottie,” I sigh and her gaze drops to her feet. “Lottie, look at me,” I order quietly. She takes a breath before lifting her sad eyes to meet mine. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you, it’s just …”

  “I know, Spike. You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to say anything in fact, I just wanted to tell you face to face.”

  My heart starts to race. I immediately think the worst. She’s found someone else. I actually feel my heart crumble in my chest then shatter around my feet.

  “Can I come in?” she asks nervously.

  “Oh, yes, I’m sorry, where are my manners. Come in. Do you want a drink?” I wheel over to the couch and switch on to verbal auto pilot, avoiding the impending conversation and drawing out the agony. What did I expect? Did I think she would stay single for the rest of her life? She’s a diamond. A one-off rare find. Behind those pained eyes, there’s a vibrant, shiny, precious jewel of a girl and I should have known it wouldn’t take long before someone offered her everything that I can’t.

  “No, thanks. I just had a glass of wine with Ari and D.” She perches on the chair in front of me and places her hands in her lap. She opens her mouth several times to speak, with a frown marring that pretty face of hers. “Spike, I−”

  “Lottie−”

  We both start to speak, unintentionally interrupting each other. Lottie laughs softly, but more out of awkwardness than genuine humor. “You first,” she offers.

  “No, you go,” I insist.

  She looks up at me and gives a weak smile. “It’s never been like this between us before, has it?”

  “No,” I say regretfully. The uncertainty and pain that shows in her tired blue eyes tugs at my heart so fiercely, it makes me want to look away, but I can’t. I make the most of having her in front of me to take in her features again. I’ve missed her. Of course I’ve missed her. Every second of every day that I haven’t seen her. I’ve read and reread our old texts to each other. I’ve flicked through old photos. But having her in front of me like this makes me realize that you can’t capture Lottie’s presence in memories. She’s too beautiful, too vibrant, to be able to describe and nothing compares to having her in front of me like this. Smelling her perfume subtly floating in the air, feeling the calming effect her presence has on me. It’s the worst kind of torture not having the right to reach out and touch her soft skin. I gave up that right when I gave her back her life.

  “I need to tell you something, and I want you to know this is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made.” I swallow loudly and nod for her to continue, not able to answer her for fear of losing the last thread of composure I’m hanging on to.

  “I’m leaving,” she whispers.

  Her words take me by surprise. It wasn’t what I was expecting her to say, but fuck if it doesn’t hurt more than I thought it would. “You’re leaving?” I repeat and she nods without looking at me, her gaze fixed firmly on the thumbnail she’s picking at. “Where are you going?”

  “To London,” she mutters under her breath, looking anywhere but at me.

  “London?”

  “Yes. London,” she barks, snapping her head up to look me in the eye. “Are we going to play the repetition game all night, Spike? Because I kinda have stuff I need to do,” she huffs, showing the spark that I fell in love with. The little spark of indignation and life that proves I’ve done the right thing in letting her go to find the flame again. But that little show of her sassiness makes it hurt all the more to know that she’s leaving.

  “But, I don’t understand. Why are you going to London? You hate flying, you don’t know anyone there, you−” I know I’m already clutching at reasons for her not to go. Yes, the last few weeks have been unbearable not seeing her, but I always knew she was there if I wanted to call or sneak a glance at her when she came over to see Arianna.

  She shrugs and blinks slowly, her big round eyes filling up with tears. “I can’t do this, Spike. I can’t be in the same place as you, knowing that I can’t be with you. I can’t watch you struggle, knowing that you don’t want me to help you. I’m sitting here desperate to touch you, to kiss you, but I know you don’t want me to. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.” Her hands become more animated as her voice raises and her frustration rolls off her towards me, double barreling me in the chest. This is why I have to let her go.

  “But London, Lotts?” I say, more quietly this time. I hold her gaze with mine and refuse to let her look away. I want to know she’s thought about this and not just decided on a whim in true Lottie fashion. “It’s so far away.”

  She shrugs again and the tears build a wall in front of her eyes and she has to blink to clear them. A tear clings to her long, thick lashes, resembling me, holding on for dear life, not wanting to let her go. “Do you love me, Spike?” she asks as that lone tear drops and rolls down her cheek, leading a path for other tears to follow. My heart screams at me to tell her that of course I love her. I love her more than life itself. I love her so much that I’m setting her free.

  “Your silence says it all,” she snaps, standing abruptly, swiping at the emotion running down her cheeks with the back of her hand.

  “Lottie,” I call after her.

  “Don’t bother. You’ve made it clear how you feel. You don’t want me, that is until you decide you do want me, and then you expect me to be there when you call. Well, I’m worth more than that.” She pushes through the gap between me and the sofa, knocking my leg as she goes. She sucks in a breath and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry, I−” she stutters, and I see a flash of pity as she looks at me and my wheels.

  I reach for her hand but she pulls away, out of my grasp. “You are worth more than that, Lottie. I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m not that man anymore,” I beg her to understand how and why and …

  I don’t know who I am.

  “I know,” she nods resignedly.

  “I’m sorry,” I offer. I know it’s not what she wants to hear. It’s not what I want to say. But she’s right. She is better than this. She’s better than any life I can give her now.

  “Goodbye, Spike.” Her voice breaks as she speaks my name and a cascade of unstoppable tears pour from her beautiful but broken eyes. She turns, leaving not only my apartment, but my life.

  “Goodbye, Lottie,” I whisper through the pain that’s ripping my heart open.

  She was my favorite hello, and my hardest goodbye.

  Chapter 2

  “Right, I think that’s everything.” I flip the top of my suitcase over and press down hard on the top to try and get it to close. Arianna and Denham offered for me to stay here for a couple of days instead of a hotel after I moved out of my apartment. I was grateful, as I wanted to spend as much time with Ari as I possibly could before leaving. I only ju
st had her back and now we were going to be apart again, but this time it’s my choice to leave. A violent and toxic relationship drove her away before, and I was beyond lucky to have her come back to Vegas, and me, and ultimately she found Denham, her soul mate. But it was that bitter, twisted ex-partner of hers that came back to haunt us, and he pressed the destruct button on life as we knew it. I don’t know if it’s harder leaving Arianna after all we’ve been through, or leaving Spike. They’re the most important people in my life, and I don’t know how it’s going to be, embarking on a new journey without them, but I know it’s what I have to do right now.

  “My mom told me to tell you that she loves you and to behave while you’re away,” Ari says, looking at me with raised brows. Her mom always called me the wild one, but never frowned upon me for being who I am. “She wanted to come and see you but Brent is working away in Hawaii and she’s going with him.”

  “She really landed on her feet when she found him, didn’t she?”

  “Yep, she really did. She wants updates of everywhere you visit.” She rolls her eyes, but with an affectionate smile. I’ve always been close with Ari’s mom, much closer than I am with my own, and I’ll miss her face while I’m gone. I’ll be sure to keep her updated with everything. “Do you have to go?” Ari plops herself on the end of the bed and pouts dramatically.

  “Yes.” I place my hand on her knee and she slides her hand over mine.

  “Really, really?”

  “Yes, Ari. Really really.”

  “But you could stay.” She looks at me with empty hopefulness, knowing there’s nothing she can do to change my mind. I’m a stubborn bitch and even if I had changed my mind about going, I would still go through with it. I’m that stubborn.

  “I could. But I’m not going to.”

  “Not even for me?” She flashes me a smile, which makes me laugh, and very nearly makes me change my mind. What am I going to do without my best friend?

  “Ari. Your sweet smile won’t work this time.”

  “Pleeeeeeeeease.”

  “Don’t make this harder than it already is, okay? I don’t want to leave you. Of course I don’t. But you know why I’m doing this.” I swing my legs off the bed and sit down next to her, nudging her shoulder. “You’ve got your happily ever after, babe. And I’m so damn happy for you, and D. You’ll be just fine. More than fine.”

  “I know I’ll be fine, but what about you? You don’t even have somewhere to stay when you get there, do you? What if you end up on the streets? You do know that it’s fucking cold in England in October.”

  “There’s a hotel at the airport, I’ve booked in for the first night so I can get some rest before I go in to the city. I want to see where fate takes me, Ari. No planning. No baggage.”

  “You’re really doing this.” She resigns herself with a huff.

  “I really am.”

  “Okay, here, I want you to have this.” Arianna hands me a small neatly wrapped, white package and I take it eagerly. She knows I love presents.

  “I need to leave more often if I get gifts.”

  “Uh, no. You leave just this once and you come back safe. Hear me?”

  “What is it?” I ask, ignoring her demands and trying to shake off the seriousness for a minute. I shake the box she just handed me to see if it rattles.

  “Don’t shake it,” she scolds. “Just open it like any normal person would.”

  This makes me laugh. “I’m far from normal, Ari, and that’s why you love me.” I kiss her on the cheek and she shakes her head affectionately with a small laugh. I make light work of the pretty wrapping that she probably spent ages over, making sure it was just right.

  A black box is revealed with gold embossed writing on it. “Alex and Ani,” I say quietly before wiggling the lid off excitedly. Ari knows I love Alex and Ani jewelry. “Oh, Ari. It’s gorgeous,” I whisper, overwhelmed by the fact that today I’m leaving her behind and I have no idea for how long. Maybe I’ll never come back.

  “It’s a St. Christopher charm,” she informs me, talking in a chirpy voice that I know is to hide the inevitable sadness that’s coming. “It’s to keep you safe on your travels. I want you to come home in one piece and sooner rather than later, please. Okay?” Her voice breaks on the last word and I close my eyes tight to try and gain some composure before looking at her.

  “Did you buy this to make me cry? Are you trying to break my hard as nails reputation, Ari?” I joke, trying to make light of the situation. I know how hard this is going to be for both of us, especially after everything Arianna has been through. The tough times and tragedies of the last few months have solidified our friendship and pushed us even closer together. I almost feel like she’s part of me. She is part of me, in my heart. “You know I have to do this, right?” I say quietly, resting my head softly on her shoulder.

  “I know.”

  My chest aches with the heavy burden of sadness, apprehension, and the feeling of loss. A tear that I had managed to hold back behind my lids pushes its way out and runs slowly down my cheek before dropping and settling on Arianna’s shoulder.

  “Sorry to interrupt, girls. Your cab will be here in a minute, Lotts,” Denham says softly from the doorway.

  I take a huge breath and rub my palms on my thighs before standing up. “Okay, come here.” I gesture to Ari, opening my arms wide. She jumps up and into my arms, hugging me tight and burying her head in to my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ari,” I mumble into her hair. She responds with a nod and a sniffle. I pull back and place my hands on her cheeks and make her look at me. “You call me, day or night, if you need me for anything. Okay? Anything. I mean it, Ari.”

  “I will, I promise.” She swipes at the tears tracing down her cheeks. “The same goes for you, too. Okay? You need money, or anything, you call me,” she insists.

  “You got it.” I kiss her on the cheek and take a deep breath before grabbing my suitcase off of the bed. “This thing weighs a ton,” I mumble to myself as it drops to the floor with a thud. I grab the handle and wheel it toward Denham who is still standing in the doorway watching our emotional exchange with glistening eyes. He moves aside to let me pass, and I make it across the apartment to the door without looking back.

  “Lotts?” Ari calls out as her and Denham follow behind me, and I turn to look at her.

  “Yes, babe?” I answer, taking a deep breath.

  “Are you sure I can’t change your mind?” she asks hopefully in a last ditch attempt to change my mind.

  I laugh softly because that would be the easier option, wouldn’t it? I glance across the hall at the door to Spike’s apartment. “Nope,” I reply with a sigh. “I have to do this.”

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  I let go of my suitcase and step forward. “I know. But I have to do this, Ari.”

  “If you’d just give him a little more time, I know he’d−”

  “Don’t, Ari. I could give him weeks, months, but it wouldn’t change anything. He doesn’t want me.” Never have there been words that were harder to say out loud.

  “He does want you,” she insists desperately. “He’s just too proud to admit it. He’s lost the use of his legs, Lottie. How do you expect him to feel?”

  “Arianna,” I sigh.

  “I know. I know. I’m sorry,” she pouts, “But, London is a nine hour flight away.” She steps forward and grabs my hands, holding them tightly.

  “I know. I’ll video call you, all the time.”

  “You better.” Ari lets go of my hands and flings her arms around my neck.

  Do not cry. Do not cry. I chant this mantra in my head over and over, but it’s futile.

  Denham joins in, encasing us in a group hug. When he feels Ari start sobbing, he pulls away.

  “Okay, Lotts. You ready to go?” he asks, grabbing my suitcase for me.

  I give a small nod. “I love you, Ari,” I whisper. The small voice is all I can manage without breaking down. I knew this would be
hard. I had tried to prepare myself for Arianna’s tearful goodbye, but it’s killing me inside. I already feel incomplete without her. She nods, pulling her lips tight to stop the sobs from escaping and I give myself a pep talk. It’s not like I’m never coming back, or even that I’ll be gone that long, I think. But everything we’ve been through together makes this goodbye one of the hardest I’ve ever had to endure.

  “Okay. I can’t do this with you standing at the door and crying like a baby.” I swipe the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath to try and compose myself. “You take care of her, D-man.” It’s actually the one thing I’m sure of. He’s so in love with Ari that he would lay down his life for her, and as much as this makes it easier for me to leave her, knowing she’s in safe hands, it also reminds me of what I’ve lost.

  “Don’t you worry about Arianna. Take care of you, okay?” he says, rubbing my shoulder gently.

  “Yep.”

  “Call me if you need anything, day or night,” he orders, and his protectiveness over me makes this harder than just leaving Ari. I’m leaving a family behind, a family that was once mine.

  “Yes, sir,” I sob, needing to get this over with now.

  “You sure I can’t drive you to the airport?” he asks.

  “Nope, cab’s waiting.” I step back and jab the elevator button. “Now please take my girl inside, shut the door, then screw her brains out to keep her from thinking about me, okay?” I request, pulling a laugh from both of them as Denham shakes his head at my unapologetic words.

  “Okay,” he chuckles, stepping back from the threshold. “Take it easy, Lotts.”

  “You too, D.”

  “Love ya,” he says quietly, which somehow makes me cry harder.

  “Uh huh,” I reply, swallowing hard and unable to form any more words.

  I glance over to Spike’s door one last time. A tiny part of me thought he might be here when I left. I wanted him here, I think. And I don’t like the fact that we didn’t part as friends. Other than Ari, he was my best friend.