Lovestrong

by Nikki Groom

  I’m momentarily stunned by his insistent connection. His hands cup the sides of my face and the carnal instinct in me takes over. I kiss him back. The physical closeness, the intimacy, feels so good. So damn good across every nerve in my body. His tongue probes mine, his teeth nip at my lip, tugging then sucking.

  Fuck. My head screams. It’s sensory overload and for a split second it’s everything I want. Then his thumb grazes my collarbone, which makes me feel incredibly exposed in my strapless top. The passion is sucked out of me in an instant and I feel like I can’t breathe.

  “Oh god.” I push at his chest and jump back from him. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  “Lottie,” he pleads. “I shouldn’t have …”

  “I can’t do it,” I mutter repeatedly under my breath. “I can’t do it.” I grab up my shirt and purse before fumbling with the door handle.

  “Lottie, look, I’m sorry. Lottie,” he calls out behind me, but I continue to push forward.

  “It’s fine,” I offer, trying to make him feel better, but I’m feeling anything but fine. “I have to go.” I slip out of the door, closing it behind me trying to put distance between us.

  I always loved the ocean as a kid. Never got to go there often, but it’s been bliss living by the sea while I’ve been here. But sitting here as the sun sets over the sea and the wind whips the waves over the stony water’s edge, it feels different. Maybe it’s my mood that alters how I view my surroundings. The grey, heavy clouds move fast overhead and I rest back on my elbows, looking out at the horizon.

  I know I freaked out back there with Torran, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s because he surprised me or if my head’s not ready to be intimate with anyone else just yet. I never knew Torran thought of me like that. He knew that friendship is all I have to offer, for now anyway.

  But that kiss. Hot as fuck. I felt it. Everywhere.

  Is that the real problem here? Guilt? A hole opens up in my stomach when I think of kissing someone other than Spike and I feel so god damn guilty. I actually feel like I’ve been unfaithful.

  Footsteps come close to me and I look up to see Torran. “Peace offering?” He pushes a Starbucks cup at me. “Hot chocolate. Thought you’d be cold down here.”

  I sigh and move to stand, but he sits right next to me and hands me the cup. “Torr, I−”

  “No need to say anything, firebird. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I know you’re not ready, and honestly, I don’t know why I did it. It was just in the heat of the moment.”

  I choke out a laugh, “I don’t know if that’s an apology or an insult. You don’t know why you did it?”

  “You know what I mean. I don’t know that there’s a man on this earth that wouldn’t want to kiss you. But I want you to know that I hadn’t planned it. It was just… a moment, and I don’t want it to change things for us.”

  “Everything changes, Torr.” I look out to the rolling waves and chew on my lip.

  “You wanna tell me about it?”

  “The reality is …” I turn to him and he’s watching me attentively with such compassion in his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. I love him as much now as I did before. It doesn’t get easier.”

  “You just said yourself that everything changes.” He smiles gently.

  “Yeah,” I nod. “I thought this would. But it hasn’t yet.”

  “You just need to give it more time.”

  “I ran away to the other side of the world with the hope that I could move on and find myself,” I grumble with frustration. What was I expecting? That it would all be okay the minute I landed in England? That all the hurt and pain would go away just because I’m in another country?

  “You’re brave,” he muses, looking out at the inky black sea and the moonlight bouncing off the ripples in the water. “I don’t think I could have done that. Look, firebird, you’re young, gorgeous and sassy. I have no doubt that you could do anything if you set your mind to it. I don’t know what happened to you back in Vegas to make you want to run halfway around the world, and if that guy hurt you, then you’re better off away from him. The world is at your feet.”

  “He didn’t hurt me. Not how you think, anyway. It’s complicated,” I sigh. “He didn’t think he had a choice.”

  He turns to look at me. “And you told him that he did have a choice?”

  “Yeah. I tried to,” I whisper.

  “Well, you know what they say about setting things free.”

  I nod and bring my knees up to my chest, resting my cup on top of them and staring into the distance.

  “C’mere.” He shuffles closer and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in tight. “It’ll all come right in the end. If it’s not right, it’s not the end.”

  I turn my head and narrow my eyes at his philosophical statement. “Did you just quote someone far more romantic than you?”

  He winks before kissing me softly on my temple, a friendly kiss without intention, and I think we just went back to being just friends.

  Chapter 15

  It’s been nearly a week since I called Lottie, and her voice has played around and around in my head like a beautiful torture. It’s bounced back and forth, playing a melody with my conscience and I’ve come to a huge decision.

  I want her back.

  I miss her, I love her, and I want her in my life, not on the other side of the world in England.

  I know why I pushed her away. I know why I set her free. But the reality is, I’m miserable without her. From the minute I set eyes on her, I knew she was special and that has never changed. I’ve gone back and forth asking myself if I’m being selfish for wanting her back, for tying her to me when I can’t be everything I want to be for her, but if what Arianna and Denham says is anything to go by, Lottie feels the same way about me. Even after I was such a selfish bastard and broke her heart. But I’m going to mend it then never let it go. That’s if I’m not too late.

  “Hey bro. You ready to go?” Denham asks from the doorway.

  “Can you give me ten minutes? I need to make a phone call before we leave.”

  “Can’t it wait?” he asks impatiently. “It’s not like you haven’t had all morning and you know what the traffic is like this time of day, your therapy session is at two.”

  “D,” I chuckle. “We have enough time to drive there, twice.”

  He is, and always has been Mr. Punctuality, which means getting everywhere half an hour before necessary. If you ask me, that’s a very boring way to spend too many hours. Who wants to spend time waiting around, when you can be doing something, making things happen?

  “You won’t be joking when we are sitting in the heat, late for your therapy,” he grumbles. “Ten minutes. Then I’m wheeling you out whether you like it or not.” He points at me trying to be all serious, the smirk on his face gives him away.

  He leaves and closes the door quietly behind him. Now I feel nervous.

  Last time I called her it was spontaneous. This time I’ve planned it. And I’m so nervous that I want to be sick. I’ve been working things out in my head for days and imagining how this conversation would go. If she was still in Vegas, I’d find her, pull her down in to my lap, wrap my arms around her and I’d tell her how I feel with a kiss that she’d never forget. But I can’t do that. And I need her to know how I feel. Now.

  I hit ‘call’ on my cell. It must be early evening in England, and I wonder if maybe I’m interrupting her, maybe she’s at dinner, perhaps with someone, a man …

  “Hello?” she answers and her smooth, familiar voice calls to my heart from across the ocean.

  That familiarity, that feeling of comfort, and home, and love, it solidifies everything that I’ve finally come around to realizing over the last few days.

  “Lottie,” I breathe out, closing my eyes at the sound of her voice.

  “Spike.” She sounds surprised. “Hi. Is everything okay?”

  “Am I interrupting anything? Do you have
a few minutes to talk?”

  “Sure,” she answers.

  I hear gulls cry in the background. “Where are you?”

  “I’m actually sitting on the beach.”

  “Oh. Isn’t it dark there by now?” I don’t like the idea of her sitting on a beach alone, maybe vulnerable, but I also shiver at the thought of her being with someone.

  “Yeah, pretty much. There are plenty of streetlights up on the walkway, but it’s still gorgeous though,” she muses, and I try to picture what she can see.

  “You always liked to be near the sea. Do you remember that time we drove all the way to the San Fran coast? It took hours to get there and we arrived just in time for the sun to set. We always said we’d go back for a sunrise, but never did.”

  She laughs under her breath, “Yes, I remember that.”

  Happy times. Very happy times.

  “I miss you, Lottie,” I tell her.

  “Spike …”

  “I do. I miss you so fucking much and I know I was a bastard to you and I don’t deserve for you to even speak to me, but I need you to know that it’s not the same here without you. I miss you. Vegas misses you.”

  The silence stretches between us and I glance across the Las Vegas skyline, brilliant stark sunlight, the opposite to England where Lottie is sitting on a dark, probably cold beach. “Are you still there?” I say quietly.

  “Yes,” she whispers. “I don’t know what you want me to say to you, Spike.”

  “Nothing, Lotts. I don’t expect you to say anything. I just wanted you to know that wherever you are in the world, whether it’s the under the sun or the stars, we will always see the same sky. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I acted like a selfish idiot. But I’m fighting to be positive. I’m fighting for the will to live and you’re there at the forefront of my inspiration.” She is quiet again and I wish she would give me some indication of what she’s feeling right now. I hear her sigh and take a jittery breath. “Lotts, are you okay?”

  “I have to go, Spike. I’m sorry. I …I have to go,” she says hurriedly with tension straining her voice.

  She ends the call. Leaving me with even more of a hole in my heart, but at least she knows I still care about her. I more than care about her. She’s my heartbeat.

  I want her back in my life. I’ll take her any way I can get her, even if it means we are just friends. If it takes until my last breath to prove to her what she means to me, then that’s what I’m willing to do.

  “You ready now, bro?” D asks, poking his head around the door.

  “Yeah.”

  I click my wheels in to action and follow him out of the door and into the elevator.

  “Mom wanted to come today and see how you’re progressing, but I managed to get Ari to distract her with a shopping trip and my AmEx.”

  “It’s not that I don’t want her to watch, D. It’s just …”

  “I know.” He gives a tight nod and clamps his hand on my shoulder. “You want to see her face when she sees how far you’ve come.”

  “Yup. And I’m not quite there yet, ya know?”

  “Don’t have to explain yourself to me, man. Whenever you’re ready.”

  We move through the foyer and out of the front double doors. Each time I do this it gets easier. Not easy. But easier. My chest still tightens when I first come out of the air conditioned building and get hit by the heat, but I’m able to push away the flashbacks that make my nerves shake.

  “Bro!” Tara yells from the sidewalk and I snap my head around. Oh god, D is going to go nuts in three, two, one …

  “What the fuck is that?” Denham roars, his eyes wide like they’re about to pop out of his head with a scowl on his face.

  “This, dear brother, is a Harley,” she answers with a sweet smile before winking in my direction as she knows this will wind him up.

  “Do I look stupid, Tara?” he bites, clearly feeling out of his brotherly comfort zone.

  “No. Do I look like a twelve-year-old?” she retorts sharply.

  “What?” he snaps, tapping his foot. I can feel the annoyance and frustration coming off him in waves.

  “This, D, is a Harley. Not just any Harley. This is my Harley and I’ll be riding it to Seattle tomorrow morning.” Tara looks pleased with herself as she props her elbow on the bars of the very shiny, black motorcycle.

  “Seattle?” Denham roars. “What the fuck are you going to Seattle for?”

  “You know how far Seattle is, T?” I ask softly, trying to diffuse the atmosphere between two of the most stubborn people I know, and keep the peace just a little bit.

  “Yes. I know how far it. Yes, I know how to ride a Harley. And yes, I’m well aware that neither of you think I’m capable of doing this.” Denham opens his mouth to interrupt her but she steps forward and holds her index finger up to stop him. “I am twenty four years old. You all treat me like a child because I’m the youngest in the family, but I need to do this to show you I can spread my wings without falling. So, me and Hank here,” she taps the seat of her new bike, “Will be spending a little time together while we ride to Seattle then down along the West Coast.”

  “Hank?” I screw my face up at her nickname.

  “Yup. Hank the Harley. It suits him, I think.”

  “Fuck. Okay,” D says, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “We have to go or we’re gonna be late, but this conversation is not over.” He pins his gaze on Tara and she gives him a smirk.

  “Good luck today, Spike. I’ll see ya later, yeah?” She strides toward me and kisses me on the cheek.

  “You’re crazy, you know that?” I tell her lightheartedly.

  She winks and throws her hair over her shoulder. “Yeah, I know, but I’m living it.”

  Chapter 16

  “Is everything okay?” Torr asks me as I end the call from Spike.

  “I have to go,” I mumble, hopping up off the stony beach and starting to walk away.

  “Lotts,” Torr calls out from behind me, before gently tugging me to a halt by my elbow. “What’s going on?”

  I turn to face his concerned expression. “Torr, when you were little did your mom or dad tell you to wish on shooting stars?”

  “Nah, my parents were arseholes. They would tell me to get out of their hair, or to leave them alone.”

  “Oh.” I wasn’t expecting him to say that. It’s probably the most personal information Torr has shared with me about himself and it hits close to home because of my relationship with my own parents, well, my mom and stepdad anyway. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s fine.” He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but I can see sadness in his eyes.

  “Before my dad died, he would always look out of my window with me at night and we’d watch for shooting stars. We didn’t get many of them but when we did, it was so special. My dad told me that everything I wished for would come true one day. So I wished for a happily ever after. Every time, every shooting star,” I recall wistfully, looking in to the night sky. “I don’t even think I knew what it meant at five years old, it was just how all the story books ended. But I do know what that means for me now.”

  “You’ll get your happily ever after, Lottie.” He reaches out and rubs my upper arm soothingly.

  “Maybe,” I look around us. “But I won’t find it here.”

  “You never know.”

  I smile at his hopefulness for me, but shake my head. “My wishes couldn’t bring my dad back, or take my horrible bastard of a stepdad away, but they can change my path now.” I take a deep breath and blow it out. “I need to go back to Vegas, Torr.”

  I’ve never been so sure of anything. It’s like I’m being pulled like a magnet, a draw so strong I can’t ignore it. I have to be where my family is.

  “You do? Why such a fast decision? The phone call?” He searches my eyes for an answer, or maybe he’s looking for an indication that this is a rash decision.

  “I have to go back, to Arianna, to Spike. I have to see if th
ere’s anything left after the wreckage. There’s still a tiny spark of hope glowing in my heart. I can’t let that burn out without going back.”

  “I hear ya.” He nods with a wry smile.

  “I’m sorry. I know it means you’re gonna have to find a new receptionist, and it’s short notice, but …”

  “I’ll cope. If this is what you need to do, if it makes you happy. When are you thinking of leaving?”

  “I’m going now. Right this minute.”

  “Now? How are you going to do that? You got a teleporter that I don’t know about?”

  “No, I’ll just get the first available cab to the airport and the first available flight to Las Vegas. It feels right. Although I’ve been okay here, and you’ve been so wonderful to me, I’ve also realized that I don’t want to be here on my own. I want to be with Ari, and D and even Tara, who really annoys the shit out of me, but I miss her. And Spike, he’s the reason I’m here, he’s why I needed to get away and clear my head, but now he’s the main reason I have to go home. I have to see if there’s still something between us, and if not … then I need to try and find a way to be friends with him. I can’t live without them in my life. All of them. They’re my family.”

  “You’re a crazy bitch,” he laughs, shaking his head at me.

  “I’m spontaneous!”

  “I say crazy!”

  “Yeah,” I laugh. “You’re right. I am crazy.”

  “Are you gonna call someone, your friend, and let her know you’re coming?” Torr asks as we near the airport. He insisted on driving me, which I thought was very sweet, and I was pleased that I had a little more time with him. We had checked flight times online and there was one in six hours’ time, so I booked it and threw my belongings into my case. I couldn’t have sat on my decision. The minute I made the choice to go back to Vegas, I knew I had to leave on the next available flight out. It felt right, deep down in my gut, I knew it was time.