Rhythm in Blue

by Parks, tfc

When she came back to the table, Rick checked the clock on the wall. It was after three, but he didn’t say anything, he hoped to keep her there as long as he could. Not wanting to risk a lull in the conversation, he asked, “So what do you do to stay busy on Paros? I know you’re cranking out songs, but what else do you do? Any boyfriends or anything?”

  She laughed at the question. “No, not for me. I’m not a big dater. I have friends I hang out with sometimes, but it’s a pretty quiet life for the most part.”

  “You don’t date at all?” he asked in surprise.

  “No. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not celibate or anything. If I get an itch, I go find someone to try to scratch it for me, but that’s it. Then I go home and regret that I even tried.”

  “Why do you regret it?”

  “Because it never does any good and doesn’t change anything – it’s like the itch that can’t be scratched,” she laughed softly.

  “Don’t you get lonely?” Considering his own relationship history, he probably had no business questioning hers.

  “Sometimes, but then I just start working on a song or something and it passes eventually.”

  “But you’ve had boyfriends before, right?”

  “No Rick, I told you. I can’t do relationships.”

  “Why? That just sounds nuts.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I just can’t. I wouldn’t have anything to give anyone. It’s like I’m broken, or defective.”

  “I don’t believe that. You were never like that, and you have plenty to give. Your songs are filled with emotion.”

  “Really, I don’t. Maybe I did at one time, but not anymore. That’s just the way it is. I get inspiration for my songs from other people, I’ve always preferred other people stories to my own.”

  She began to fidget uncomfortably, and he was afraid she was going to end their meeting. He wanted to draw it out as long as he could, so he asked her a casual question to lighten the mood, one that often made him wonder.

  “Shelby, why do you call me Rick?”

  She laughed and shook her head. “Isn’t that your name?”

  “Yeah, of course it is, but everyone, and I mean everyone, calls me Ricky, except you. I’ve just always wondered why?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess because you’re Rick Rowland, not Ricky Rowland, and when you refer to yourself, you call yourself Rick, not Ricky.”

  He liked her answer, but suddenly she looked unsure. “Do you not like it when I call you Rick?”

  “No, I love it. I hate being Ricky, but everyone calls me that anyway, even if I ask them not to. Erin started it, and the guys just latched onto it. After a while, I just gave up.”

  She chuckled, but just as he’d anticipated, she looked up at the clock. “We should go.”

  “No, please stay,” Rick pleaded, “let’s talk some more. We can talk about anything you want.”

  She stood and put her jacket on. “No, I’m sorry. It’s late and I have a meeting in just a few hours.”

  Rick stood and took her hand. He raised it to his lips and softly kissed it. She smiled at him.

  “It’s been really good talking to you Rick. You were right, we needed to do this, and it’s a relief finally having it all out there. I wish I could have done it sooner, but I don’t think I was ready. I’m sorry.”

  He pulled her close and held her tight. She didn’t struggle or pull away this time. She squeezed him as though she might never see him again. When they finally began to break away, Rick cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. His intention was a quick kiss in parting, but something took hold of him, and it was as if his whole life was contained within that one, fervent kiss. He could feel the power generating between them, just as it did once before. She returned his kiss with equal passion, but finally tore herself away. He pulled her close again.

  “Stay with me. Be with me,” he whispered in her ear.

  She shook her head and put her hands to his chest to push him away. “I can’t, Rick. You think you want me, but if you knew me now, you wouldn’t. You’d know better.”

  “Don’t say that. I love you.” His voice began to break as he spoke, “I always have, and I always will. I’ve never stopped, not even for a minute.”

  “I know.” Tears streamed down her face once more. “It’s been screwed up from the very start Rick, and that’s just the way it was meant to be. I’m sorry.” With those last words, she turned and rushed out the door. Rick wanted to go after her, to plead with her, but he couldn’t move. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity.

  Finally, the waitress came up to him and handed him some tissue. “You okay, hun?” she asked. Rick looked at her as if she was from a dream, and he was just waking. He took the tissue and realized he was standing in the middle of a café in Manhattan, crying like a baby.

  Still in his dream like state, he nodded to the waitress, fished in his pocket and pulled out a fifty. He handed it to her and started toward the door.

  “Sir?” the woman called to him. “Sir, don’t you want your change?”

  ~

  Rick wandered the streets of the city until well past daybreak. Cold and tired, his thoughts whirled in frenzy. Seeing her, talking to her, brought everything he tried for years to stifle once again boiling to the surface. Where could he possibly go from this point? There was no moving forward from here, so he just walked. More than a few people glanced his way with bad intent, but no one bothered him. It was as if they could all see his despair, and no one dared come near it.

  When he arrived back at the hotel, it was after nine. He took the elevator up to his room, but when he entered and saw Sonya lying on the bed, he turned and went back the way he came. He found a quiet corner of the lobby and fell into a chair, staring at nothing and unable to slow or contain his thoughts. He replayed every moment of the café, of the island, of any time he had ever spent with Shelby.

  He heard someone saying his name, and looked up to find Devon.

  “Ricky? Are you okay? Are you stoned or something?”

  Rick shook his head, but still couldn’t speak.

  “What’s going on, man? What happened to you last night? Did you find Shelby?”

  Rick nodded.

  “You look like spent the night in the gutter.”

  “I can’t do it anymore,” Rick shook his head.

  “You can’t do what anymore?”

  “I can’t do it,” Rick said, finally looking at Devon.

  In confusion, Devon said, “You’re gonna have to give me a little more information, buddy.”

  “I’m so tired. I’m so tired of hurting. I just can’t do it anymore.”

  “Okay. I’m listening,” Devon said, sitting down beside him. “What’s going on?”

  Rick looked at him, and began to talk. He told Devon everything, starting with their conversation on the veranda, the morning after Erin’s wedding, that he continued to see Shelby even though he lied to Devon about it, how close he had come to making love to her, and about the letter she left him. It was difficult to describe the gaping hole the broken relationship left in him. He explained to Devon how he had obsessed over her for years, and how he could never step beyond it. And, he told him everything Shelby said at the café.

  “I don’t know what to do. I’ll never get over it. I know that now, and I’m just so tired of being sad and heartbroken. I’ve tried everything to deal with it, to make it go away. But nothing works – not for long, it always comes back. And now, it’s worse than it ever was.”

  Devon listened, and never said a word until Rick was through. Finally, he said, “Wow, that’s a lot to keep inside and to yourself for such a long time.”

  “I know – I can’t believe she never told anyone about it.”

  “Actually, I was talking about you, Ricky.” He put his hand on Rick’s shoulder. “How come you never told me? It might have helped to talk about it.”

  “I couldn’t tell you! I couldn’t tell anyon
e, but especially not you.”

  “Why? I don’t understand.”

  “You always preached about the young ones. ‘Stay away from the young ones.’ You specifically warned me to stay away from Shelby, and I didn’t listen. I knew if I told you, you’d lose all respect for me. I couldn’t let that happen, but now, I just don’t care anymore.”

  “Did you really think I wouldn’t respect you?”

  Rick nodded.

  “But Ricky, you didn’t do anything. You stopped yourself.” He paused, and then asked, “Do you know how much character that shows? If you didn’t love her, you probably would have slept with her. How could I not respect you for doing the right thing?”

  Rick chuckled at that and shook his head. They sat quietly for a bit, and finally Rick asked, “Do you have any cigarettes? I ran out a long time ago.”

  Devon pulled a pack from his pocket and handed one to Rick.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem.” Devon lit one himself and put the pack on the table in front of them. “So what do you want to do, Ricky?”

  Rick shook his head and looked down at his feet. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I can do.”

  Devon thought for a minute and then said, “Well, I think we need a group meeting. We always do better when we put all our heads together.”

  “No, I don’t want them to know about any of this.”

  “I think you need to tell them. It explains so much that we’ve all wondered about for a long time. I think it’s only fair to let them know and let us help you figure out where you go from here.”

  Rick stared back at him blankly. “There is nowhere to go from here.” Devon furrowed his brow and glared at him. “Fine, whatever,” Rick finally said.

  “I’ll set something up. We’ll get together later. For now, you need to get some sleep.”

  “I’m not sure I could, and there is no way I’m going up there, with her,” Rick pointed up.

  “Okay. That’s understandable, I guess. I’ll go get you another room. You stay here, and I’ll take care of it, okay?”

  Rick nodded and lit another cigarette.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Rick slept fitfully, and felt like he was floating in some alternate universe, not quite fully aware of, and certainly not comfortable in his own. He awoke continually, and each time was very conscious of the emptiness. Nothing had ever hit him so hard, and only a day ago, he could never have imagined anything worse than his initial heartbreak. When he finally got up, he showered and picked at the food Devon had sent to his room, but it only made him feel sick.

  It was nearly eight that evening when the four met in Rick’s room. Devon chose a suite so there would be plenty of room and comfortable seating for the meeting. Privately he told Rick that Sonya had packed up and left earlier in the day, and Rick was relieved. He knew he should have said something to her, but he didn’t have the stomach for it, and didn’t really care. He would deal with her later.

  It felt odd, sitting with the other three, with no one else around. It had been a long time since the four of them were alone together. Someone’s wife or girlfriend always served as a buffer. Rick knew that without that buffer, they would have been bickering non-stop, and he hoped they could make it through this without an argument.

  Randy was the first to bring up the reason for the meeting, after a period of stiff, idle chitchat.

  “So Ricky, what’s going on? Devon filled us in a little bit, but I guess I’m not real clear on what the problem is.”

  “The problem is,” Devon said, “we need to find a way to get him through this, or over it.”

  “You just have to give these things time. I mean, we’ve all gotten our hearts broken before, right?” Randy looked around for agreement.

  “I think seven years qualifies as giving it time, Randy. After that long, if you can’t get over something, it’s time to do something about it.” Devon crushed out his cigarette in the ashtray, burning the tip of his finger as he did. He yanked his hand back quickly and fanned it in the air to cool the sting.

  “I just don’t understand how it ever even happened in the first place,” Randy said. “I mean, we all liked Shelby, but I thought we all knew to keep our distance.”

  “Ha! You were the worst one Randy. You flirted with and hit on that poor girl constantly,” Keith said. “I knew there was something going on with you two, Ricky. I just figured you’d worked it out.”

  “What do you mean, you knew?” Randy asked.

  “It was kind of obvious.”

  “How?”

  “Ricky acted different whenever she was around. And I saw the way they looked at each other, only an idiot could have missed it.” Keith directed the comment to Randy, but Randy didn’t notice. Then he turned to Rick, “And besides, you never even looked at any women the whole time we were there, even though the place was crawling with them.”

  Rick started to wonder, if it was so obvious, why no one else had noticed. He was perplexed, so he asked, “If you could see it so easily, why didn’t anyone else? Besides Devon of course.”

  “Because you had your wing man there drawing any suspicion away from you. Everybody was so worried about Randy doing something to the kid, nobody noticed what you were up to.”

  “Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” Rick agreed.

  “Me?” Randy pointed to himself.

  Nobody answered, and Keith just shook his head and laughed.

  “Well,” Randy continued, “I think the best thing you can do, Ricky, is to find yourself another woman. Find someone you like, and just throw yourself into that relationship to get your mind off her.”

  “I think he’s tried that before and it didn’t seem to help, did it Ricky?” Devon asked.

  Rick shook his head.

  “Well, no offense man, but I think you have to try for a little longer than just a couple of months,” Randy with authority. “You know, there are so many women out there, tons that would cut off their right arm at a chance to be with you. You could have any one of them. Why do you have to focus on just one that you can’t have?”

  “Ha! You should talk, you asshole. If there are so many women out there, Randy, why the fuck are you screwing Sonya? Huh? Answer me that why don’t you.”

  Randy turned bright red and sat, looking at Rick, speechless.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You don’t have a good answer…fucking dimwit,” Rick said, dismissing him.

  “Okay, let’s not start anything here,” Devon said. “Let’s try to stay focused.”

  Randy ignored him and turned to Rick, “What the hell do you care anyway? You don’t even love her. You’re in love with Shelby!”

  “That’s not the point and you know it,” Rick said, on the verge of yelling. “I would never do anything like that to you.”

  Keith sat forward to get between the two. “Wait a minute,” he said, turning to face Randy. “You’re sleeping with Sonya? That’s just bullshit, man. You’re an asshole.”

  “Alright, alright. That’s enough. You guys can work that out some other time,” Devon banged his fist on the table to get their attention.

  “Have you ever slept with Julia?” Keith asked him, ignoring Devon.

  “No. Of course not,” Randy said indignantly.

  “What about Amy? Have you ever slept with my wife?”

  Randy turned red again, even though he shook his head no.

  Keith jumped up and lunged for Randy. “That’s it! I’m gonna fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!” He squeezed his hands around Randy’s neck, but Randy raised his knee and caught Keith in the groin, sending him tumbling backwards, over the coffee table and into Devon’s lap. He rolled off, onto the floor.

  Randy stood up, rubbing his neck. “It was before you guys were even married, when you first started dating. At the time, you weren’t even sure you were gonna ask her out again.”

  Rick started to sputter at the scene before him. He shook his head at them, but couldn’t s
top. Soon, he was laughing hysterically, and it was beyond his control. Devon looked at him as though he was crazy, but soon, he was laughing too.

  “What the hell is so funny?” Randy demanded.

  Keith, still collapsed on the floor holding his crotch, started to chuckle.

  “What?” Randy asked again.

  Rick was laughing too hard to speak and he fell over on to his side and started pounding the couch with his fist. Keith tried to stand up, but was still in pain. In spite of his agony, laughter soon overtook him as well. Randy offered his hand and pulled him to his feet.

  “Oh my God. Would you guys please tell me what the hell is so funny?”

  Devon tried to calm himself enough to speak, and after a few deep breathes, he finally said, “Would you look at us? Would you ever have thought we’d end up like this?”

  Randy gave up a halfhearted laugh, but couldn’t find the humor overtaking the other three. He sat back down and lit a cigarette. He waited for the others to compose themselves. When they had laughed themselves out, he said, “So what do you want to do Ricky? How do you want to see this end?”

  Rick wiped his face dry and lit his own cigarette. He laughed again, but this time there was no amusement in the sound, just the resonance of defeat. “I want to go back to last night and have her tell me she wants to be with me too, but somehow, I just don’t think that is going to happen.”

  “No, it’s not likely,” Devon said. “You could try to find her before she leaves town and talk to her again.”

  Rick shook his head, “No, she made it pretty clear that she had no interest in pursuing things. I laid myself pretty bare.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Devon nodded.

  They were all quiet for a minute, but then Keith said, “No, I don’t buy it.”

  “Buy what?” asked Rick.

  “Buy that she’s not interested,” Keith said, taking a seat beside Devon.

  “If she was, she would have said so.”

  “No. I think she wants you to come after her,” Keith said.

  “Why? What makes you think that?”

  “Because chicks are like that, man. They say they don’t want you, but what they actually want is for you to prove that you really want them.”