Channel Blue

by Jay Martel

  When there was enough light to see fifty feet in front of her, she jumped the metal gate and hiked quickly up the trail, wishing that she’d stopped in town for some hiking boots and a jacket. When she came to the first barbed-wire fence, she stood motionless until she could discern the infrared lights of the alarm system. Fortunately, it was still dark enough for them to stand out. She crawled under the beams – and the wire – and continued up the mountain.

  The patrol caught her about halfway to the top. She figured they must’ve been watching her with binoculars because they appeared in front of her without warning. The soldiers wore standard-issue camouflage with no identifying patches or emblems, and carried automatic rifles. Amanda made sure to act incredibly surprised, and it certainly helped sell her act that she was wearing a dirty white evening gown and high heels.

  ‘I just had a fight with my boyfriend,’ she said. ‘I needed to take a walk. I don’t know how long I’ve been walking. Where am I?’ She carried on in this vein long enough to slowly close the distance between herself and the two soldiers. When she had moved to within two feet, she kicked one in the knee and punched the other in the solar plexus. They both went down, though one had the presence of mind to pull up his rifle as he fell. She kicked it out of his hands before it went off. Using their handcuffs, she chained them around a tree and gagged them with their socks before moving on.

  After another half-hour of steady uphill, she broke through to the summit. A wooden lodge commanded the highest point, surrounded by a vast lawn on which a helicopter idled. As Amanda ran across the open lawn, a group of men exited the lodge. She had nowhere to hide other than the helicopter. She reversed course, keeping the helicopter between herself and the men, ran up the gangway and slipped inside. The cockpit door was open so she dropped to her knees and crawled down the aisle, squeezing under the first row of seats ‘so the crew wouldn’t see me if they turned around,’ Amanda told Perry sitting next to him in the helicopter. ‘You could imagine how relieved I was when I heard your voice.’

  Perry shook his head in disbelief. ‘I can’t believe you did all that.’

  ‘I got you into this. I had to get you out.’

  ‘Hey!’

  Perry and Amanda looked up. The guard in front of them was awake and pointing his handgun at Amanda. ‘Who are you?’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Perry said. ‘She’s with me.’

  ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ the guard said. ‘Where the hell did she come from?’

  A sharp, percussive sound like a canoe paddle smacking the side of the helicopter jolted the cabin. The chopper lurched wildly like a bucking bronco having a seizure. The guard, who hadn’t been wearing a seat belt, flew across the aisle and smashed his head against the window. Perry and Amanda were flung against the seats in front of them, then spun end over end, violently shaken like rag dolls.

  They reached out and managed to hold on to each other before blacking out.

  * * *

  Drummond Nash sat in his office, polishing his shotgun. He considered getting out for another walk before dinner, but he felt a little low energy, maybe a little ‘down in the dumpies’, as Mrs Nash called it. It’s this damn work, he thought.

  He could never get over how much waste there was in national security, how much inefficiency. Perfectly good men died all the time unnecessarily. That unfortunately was the nature of the war he was fighting. He had to keep his eye on the big picture, the long view. Lord knows that’s what the other side was doing.

  Drummond opened up the chamber of the gun and flicked away some grit with his rag. He’d have to do a proper cleaning one of these weeks, but not today. He returned it to its wall-mounted rack and looked at a blue monitor set into the wall, a radar screen he’d had the Air Force install as part of his security perimeter. The Marine One helicopter was no longer even a blip.

  You’d never catch me riding in one of those things, Drummond thought. As he always said, There was a reason for fixed wings. In a helicopter, if one of those metal spinning things comes loose, you’re Spam in a can. So many crashes. So many that you had to wonder why anyone would risk riding in one – especially the military variety, which seemed to drop out of the sky like bricks every day. And there were rarely any photos of the crash sites or investigations. Once you heard about a helicopter crash, you just accepted it, just as you accepted the inevitability of death itself. Of course there was a helicopter crash, you thought. There are always helicopter crashes.

  You had to wonder why anyone would take the risk.

  His intercom beeped. ‘Security One to Orion.’

  ‘Orion here,’ Drummond said.

  ‘We’re seeing smoke to the southeast. Looks like some kind of wreck. Should we send out search and rescue?’

  ‘Roger that.’

  Drummond sat back in his chair. You really have to wonder, he thought.

  CHANNEL 32

  HEAVEN IS WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE

  Perry and Amanda opened their eyes. They sat in opposite chairs in an otherwise empty white room. A window looked out onto the night sky. They were both dressed in white.

  Perry reached out and touched Amanda’s arm. ‘Are you OK?’ he said.

  She nodded. ‘You?’

  He nodded. ‘How can that be?’ He tried to remember his last frantic moments of consciousness aboard the upside-down helicopter plummeting towards the ground. Just before blacking out, he recalled wishing that Brent Laskey had been aboard.

  ‘Where are we? How long were we out?’ He glanced out the window. ‘It’s night. We were in the helicopter around noon, right?’

  Amanda stood and walked to the window. ‘It’s not night,’ she said. Perry joined her. Outside, the dark dusty surface of the moon stretched out beneath the stars. ‘They must have had a fix on us,’ she said. ‘Froze the helicopter in a field before impact and pulled us off.’

  Perry shook his head. He felt a sense of overwhelming relief that put a lump in his throat. ‘Jesus.’ He clasped Amanda’s hand in his. ‘I never thought I’d see you again.’ Tears rushed to his eyes, and he was surprised to see her eyes glisten as well.

  ‘I know,’ she said.

  ‘I never got a chance to tell you. Thank you for coming for me.’

  ‘Any time.’

  Perry leaned over and kissed her. She enveloped him in her arms. A strange sound filled the air. At first it sounded to Perry like ice crackling. Then, with a sickening thud in his stomach, he realised what it was.

  Applause.

  Light streamed through the opposite wall, which then bunched together like a large curtain and lifted up into the ceiling, revealing rows upon rows of seats filled with clapping spectators.

  Though they had not moved, Perry and Amanda were now standing on a stage in front of a large audience of incredibly attractive men and women in blue tracksuits. A voice boomed: ‘Let’s give a big welcome to the stars of Bunt to the Rescue, Perry Bunt and Amanda Mundo!’ The crowd stood and applauded even louder. A spotlight followed Marty Firth, dressed in a blue dinner jacket, as he trotted across the stage to Perry and Amanda. Vermy, the white worm, jutted from Marty’s left ear, gleaming almost as brightly as Marty’s smile.

  ‘What an amazing episode, huh, people?’ he said in an amplified voice, though Perry saw no microphone. The crowd roared. The jubilant host sidled up to Perry, resting a hand on his shoulder. Perry realised that his arms were still wrapped around Amanda and self-consciously pulled them away.

  ‘Wow,’ Marty said. ‘We have seen some amazing things on Channel Blue, but you outdid yourself today, Perry Bunt!’ He put a fist to his mouth as if to contain his amusement. ‘When you told that lieutenant who wanted to kill you that “the Buddy doesn’t even have a pair of pants right now”, I totally lost it.’

  The audience guffawed enthusiastically. Perry stared at Marty, confused. ‘Oh yes, we saw all that,’ Marty said. ‘We always put cameras in the secret prisons. Some of our best programming comes from those facilities, and y
our antics were no exception. Now let’s talk to your co-star—’

  Marty swivelled towards Amanda. ‘Amanda, where do I begin? Can this lady handle herself or what?’ The audience screamed affirmatively. Amanda appeared completely unaffected. Marty laid a hand on her shoulder. ‘The smartest thing I did was fire you.’

  ‘You didn’t fire me,’ Amanda said. ‘I quit.’

  Marty pretended to cower in anticipation of a punch. ‘Whatever you say, Amanda!’ The audience laughed. Marty winked at her and continued. ‘Welcome everyone to Earth Mirth with Marty Firth and Vermy Presents a Salute to Bunt to the Rescue!’ An unseen orchestra played a musical fanfare and the audience howled its approval. ‘This audience has come from all over the galaxy to be part of our exclusive live Channel Blue tribute to all that you two have accomplished. And we can start with... having the number eight show in the entire galaxy!’

  The audience cheered lustily for what seemed like minutes. Amanda leaned over to Perry. ‘This is incredible,’ she said. Perry assumed she was commenting on the insanity of the show they’d found themselves a part of, but then she continued: ‘We cracked the top ten. Channel Blue’s never done that before!’

  While Perry tried to take this in, Marty carried on. ‘We’ve got lots of surprises and tributes from some amazing special guest stars, but first let’s welcome the King himself, Mr Elvis Presley!’

  The audience clapped and, to the strains of ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, Elvis Presley, wearing dark glasses and a powder-blue jumpsuit, sauntered onto the stage holding a gold trophy. ‘Hello, Mr Perry Bunt. Now, I know that I’m nothing more than a “hillbilly with the hiccups”—’ The audience hooted with laughter. Perry stared at them like a stunned animal, then realised he must appear odd and tried desperately to force a smile, but this came out looking more like a nervous sneer.

  ‘But,’ Elvis continued, ‘I’m here to present you with this award from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. The Orby for this season’s Most Promising Newcomer is... Mr Perry Bunt!’ The audience members applauded and rose to their feet. Elvis slipped the statue between Perry’s hands and clapped him on the back. Perry, not sure how to react, examined the statue. A naked gold woman on a pedestal held a swirling red-and-purple planet with one hand and waved at him with the other. Baffled, Perry glanced over to Amanda, who clapped with the audience.

  ‘You know what this means, Mr Bunt?’ Marty said. Perry numbly shook his head. ‘It means we can’t let you die – you’re too big a star!’ Audience members shrieked with fits of laughter.

  Once the hysterics had subsided, Elvis returned to a more conversational tone. ‘When this guy first walked into my office... Well, if you had told me that he’d be taking home an Orby in a couple of weeks, I would’ve sent you to a therabot. If you’d told me that he would change the way we think about POFs, I would’ve signed you up for a brain transplant. I mean, on a planet full of inconsequential individuals, this guy seemed like the biggest loser of them all. Talk about insipid! I’ve eaten sandwiches with more character.’ Perry’s frozen smile tensed into a grimace while Elvis shook his head in wonderment. ‘But that’s the thing I love about this business – you never can tell.’

  ‘That’s right, Elvis,’ Marty said. ‘We’ll talk more with Perry and Amanda in just a moment, and meet some of the fans here in the audience. But right now we have a very special guest here to sing the theme song of ‘Bunt to the Rescue’. Please welcome... Baby Jade!’ Perry watched as a four-year-old girl in a sparkly blue dress strode confidently onto the stage. If the audience members had cheered loudly for Perry and Amanda, they now seemed on the verge of convulsing, so crazed were their shouts and screams of acclamation. Perry noticed that even Amanda was frantically clapping.

  Cacophonous music played and the four-year-old girl danced sprightily around the stage. Amanda watched the prancing child with awe.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Perry asked her.

  ‘That’s Baby Jade,’ Amanda said. ‘She’s been the biggest pop star in the galaxy for years.’

  ‘She’s just a little kid.’

  ‘They recorded her foetal heartbeat for a dance track and she’s been an unstoppable force ever since.’

  Perry shook his head in amazement. ‘What does all this mean?’

  ‘It’s all good news, Perry. The huge production values, Baby Jade, the audience shipped in from Eden – Channel Blue is making a huge investment in the show.’

  ‘I don’t care about the show,’ Perry said, growing impatient. ‘Does this mean they’re calling off the finale?’

  ‘You heard Marty – the show’s become too big. If they can’t let you die, they can’t blow up your home, right?’

  The news sank into Perry’s brain, but he still couldn’t believe it. Like a beaten dog, he saw menace in the upraised hand, even if it held an award.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Look at the statue in your hands. They’re not going to finale the Newcomer of the Year.’

  ‘But—’

  Amanda brought a finger to her lips. Baby Jade had begun to sing in a smoky soprano.

  He had nothing goin’ on

  Till a lady let him know

  That it was time to take a stand

  It was time to make a show.

  Beaten and battered by his fellow men

  But he keeps tryin’ again and again

  To show that Earthles really care

  Even though he doesn’t have a prayer—

  The music swelled to a loud thumping chorus. The audience members joined in, singing along at the tops of their lungs.

  Saving Earth!

  Saving Earth!

  When it comes to laughter there’s no dearth

  Since Perry Bunt decided that it’s worth

  Saving Earth!

  Saving Earth!

  Just watch that crazy Earthle try saving Earth!

  Baby Jade hopped frantically around the stage while repeating the chorus in mind-numbing fashion. Perry didn’t know whether he should feel disturbed by the lyrics or comforted that for all the Edenites’ supposed advantages over the people of Earth, songwriting wasn’t one of them.

  Finally, the music slowed and built to a bombastic crescendo. Baby Jade tilted her small head back and wailed.

  Saving Earth!

  Saving Earth!

  Even though it’s not even worth

  A lousy shovel full of Eden’s dirt

  He just can’t stop saving Eaaarrrrrrrttthhhhh!

  Baby Jade held the final note and the audience members jumped to their feet like puppets on the same string, applauding and bellowing their approval. While the four-year-old took numerous bows, Amanda leaned over to Perry.

  ‘Great, huh?’

  Perry gaped at her. ‘Are you kidding? That was totally insulting.’

  ‘What part?’

  ‘The whole song!’

  ‘You’re just not used to our music,’ Amanda said. Perry was about to argue this point when Marty’s booming voice intruded.

  ‘How about Baby Jade?’ he shouted to more ecstatic whooping. When the crowd had returned to their seats, Marty carried on. ‘Now it’s time for a really incredible surprise – please welcome Amanda Mundo’s boyfriend, Jared Corley!’

  To a huge ovation, Jared Corley strolled onto the stage, all six-and-a-half feet of him, his blond rock-star hair perfectly framing his chiselled features. He gave Amanda a big hug. ‘Hey, hotshot,’ he said.

  Perry couldn’t help notice that Amanda seemed happy to see him.

  Jared firmly shook Perry’s hand. ‘Hi, Perry. Big fan of the show.’ The applause wound down and Jared turned to the audience. ‘I just wanted to come by and tell these guys how great the show is. And you know what? I still love this woman, even though I fell for a producer – not a reproducer.’

  The audience guffawed. Amanda smiled, while Perry grimaced. It seemed that joke-writing was another relatively useless field Earthles had the edge in.

  ‘Amanda,
as hard as it is to lose you to an Earthle, and as weirded out as I am by the thought of his random genes co-mingling with your perfect DNA, I sincerely wish you both all the success in the galaxy.’

  The audience seemed to perceive this as a noble sentiment and greeted it with respectful applause. Perry stared at Jared, unable to believe what he was hearing. To make matters worse, when he glanced over at Amanda, she was glowing.

  ‘Seriously, hotshot, I want to support you in any way that I can. Just as long as I don’t have to watch you two have sexual intercourse.’ The audience emitted a mixture of titters and disgusted groans. ‘Or anyone else. Yuck.’

  After more laughter and applause, Jared hugged Amanda again, shook Perry’s limp hand, and walked off.

  Before Perry could regain his equilibrium, Marty introduced an impossibly attractive celebrity who meant nothing to him but seemingly everything to Amanda, then another and another. The stars sang or danced or played a musical instrument or simply talked about their favourite moments from Bunt to the Rescue, usually with a quip that Perry couldn’t help but find insulting. ‘Can you believe Perry Bunt? Talk about gung-ho! I have seen winged chimps on Altair 7 that exercised more caution than this guy,’ said one famous Edenite, who was introduced as The Galaxy’s Funnyman.

  When Marty Firth finally announced the end of the show, Perry couldn’t wait to get off the stage. He turned to Amanda, but she was talking animatedly with Jared, so he proceeded to search for an exit on his own. As soon as he had found one and was walking towards it, however, Marty was in his face, telling him that he was needed immediately at a meeting with Channel Blue executives to discuss the future of the series. As if to emphasise the importance of this event, Vermy, dangling from Marty’s ear, blinked rapidly.

  ‘There’s a crucial press conference tonight – we’re flying in all the important entertainment journalists. It won’t be like the adoring crowd here who loved everything you had to say.’

  ‘I didn’t say anything,’ Perry said.

  ‘Tonight will be different,’ Marty went on, ignoring him. ‘Tonight you’ll be facing the sharpest minds Eden has to offer.’