No Shame

by Nora Phoenix

  “So do I,” Josh said calmly. “And I don’t miss.”

  Somehow, that statement removed the last bit of tension from Charlie. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Let’s do this, then. Let’s bring Brad home.”

  14

  Charlie’s heart beat fast and his hands were clammy as he sat in the back seat of Noah’s car. It wasn’t even Zack he was afraid of—though it was certainly on his mind. He hadn’t fully realized how scared he was and how safe he’d felt holed up in Indy’s house until Miles had asked him to leave that cocoon. Fuck, he was pathetic. If he continued like this, he’d end up an agoraphobic hermit. Still, that was not what had him so nervous right now. No, his mind was on Brad.

  What if Brad hadn’t gone home? What if he’d left in search of someone who would fuck him, make him forget? It’s what he did when his demons got the better of him. Charlie knew, he’d known for years, but he’d never understood. God, he’d failed Brad in their friendship. All these years, and he’d never known how deep his sense of rejection was. What if it was too late now?

  He’d never heard Brad yell, ever. He could be snarky and fire off deadly verbal attacks, but he’d never broken down like that. He’d been a time bomb waiting to go off, but Charlie had never had the guts to confront Brad. Not like Miles, who’d simply refused to budge. The man was simply not deterred by Brad’s defenses, seemed to be able to take hit after hit. In that sense, he was perfect for Brad.

  Charlie’s breath caught as his own thoughts registered. In a way, he was thinking the same thing Brad had voiced. He’d expressed his conviction that Charlie and Miles were good for each other, and now Charlie was doing the same for Brad and Miles.

  It was hard to find his place in their threesome, to discover how they fit together. They did, that Charlie was convinced of. Brad needed him as much as he needed Miles, hell, they all needed each other, even if they all hadn’t figured out what piece of the puzzle they were.

  “We’re here,” Noah said. He parked the car behind Brad’s car next to his duplex. Charlie let out a sigh of relief when he spotted the car. Thank fuck Brad had gone home. He wanted to get out, but Miles held him back. “Let Connor go first, check to make sure Zack isn’t here.”

  Charlie nodded, relieved to see these men taking care of him. Connor got out, hand on what Charlie presumed was his gun, and looked around methodically. Josh did the same, and it was interesting to see the usually shy man be hyper alert. Charlie waited till they signaled for them to come out.

  “How do we do this?” Indy asked when they’d all gotten out.

  Noah and Miles looked at each other, then at Blake. “He’s your brother,” Noah said.

  “Yeah, but I’m not sure I’m the best person to talk to him right now.”

  “I think you should talk, Noah,” Miles said. “He’s pissed at me, maybe at Blake, too, and you’re a neutral party here. You could tell him he’s wanted in your house.”

  Noah nodded. “I can do that.”

  Charlie took a deep breath. “No. I’ll do it.”

  All heads turned to him. “Charlie, love, he’ll rip you to shreds,” Miles said, his voice sad.

  “No, he won’t. He never has. I’ve always been the only one he trusts, and he’s never hurt me. He loves me, even if he’s too damn scared to admit it.” He straightened his shoulders.

  “We’ll back you up,” Noah said with a smile.

  It was a strange procession that made its way to Brad’s house. Grim faces, a ripple of determination making its way through the group. They wouldn’t leave without Brad. He belonged with them. Charlie praised himself lucky for finding these men.

  Charlie didn’t pause when he reached Brad’s door, simply knocked. Not a sound was coming from inside, but Brad was home, Charlie was sure. Not only had he spotted his car, but moreover, he felt him. Somewhere inside was Brad, and he needed him, needed them.

  “He’s not opening the door,” Noah said.

  Charlie smiled, his first smile that night. “Good thing I have a key.”

  He opened the door without qualms, not giving a shit about Brad’s privacy. “Brad, we’re coming in so if you’re naked, put some clothes on.”

  A sound traveled from Brad’s bedroom. Charlie stepped inside, and everyone made their way inside Brad’s house, which was suddenly crowded with so many people.

  “We’ll wait here,” Noah decided, and the others nodded.

  Charlie looked at Miles, who hesitated. “Do you think I should come?” he asked Charlie. It was the first time Charlie had seen him insecure, and it was disconcerting. Maybe Miles hadn’t figured out how they fit together, either.

  “Yes. We’re in this together. I’ll talk to him, but I need you there.”

  Miles took his hand as they walked into Brad’s bedroom. Brad was on his bed, hiding his face in Max’s fur, his body tense.

  “Brad…” Charlie said, his voice suddenly emotional. What if he couldn’t get through to him? What if he said the wrong thing, and fucked it all up?

  “Why are you here?”

  He was talking, that was good. And it wasn’t downright hostile. He’d sounded more surprised than angry. “Because we’re not complete without you. We miss you when you’re not there.”

  Miles squeezed his hand, shot him an encouraging look.

  “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

  “Tough luck, because I’m here, and I’m not leaving without you. We need you, Brad, and you need us.”

  “We?”

  “You didn’t think I came here by myself, did you?”

  Slowly, Brad’s head turned toward them. His eyes were all red and blotchy, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Brad flinched when he spotted Miles.

  “Why did you bring him?”

  Nope, Brad wasn’t truly angry. He was trying to be but couldn’t pull it off. “Miles is here for the same reason I am, because he cares about you, and wants you back where you belong. With us.”

  Brad closed his eyes, the sadness on his face so heartbreaking it took Charlie’s breath away. “I don’t belong with you, babe. Or with Miles. Or with any of them. They’re all good men, and I’m… You’re too good for me, Charlie, too sweet and kind. You have so much joy, and I don’t want to diminish your light. And Miles, he’s perfect, and he’ll give you the life you deserve.”

  God, how had he missed this all these years? How had he not seen how Brad suffered? “You’re wrong on all accounts, sweetie. I love you. You know that, I always have for as much as you’ve let me.”

  Brad’s eyes flew open. “How can you love me? I don’t understand. How can you love someone who is so fucked-up, and broken, and so damn needy all the time?”

  Charlie put his hands on his hips. Time for some tough love. “Open your fucking eyes, Brad. You’re so caught up in your own shit, that you don’t see everyone around you is just as broken and fucked-up, only in a different way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “God, look at our friends. Do they, I dunno, seem normal to you? Have you realized the company you’re in?”

  Brad still looked at him as if he was an alien. How could he be so fucking blind? “Guys, little help here?” Charlie called out.

  One by one, they stepped into Brad’s bedroom, filling the entire space. Brad’s face was pure shock.

  “What the fuck?” he gasped, before scrambling up into a sitting position. “What the hell are you all doing here?”

  His face was crimson red with embarrassment, and Charlie almost took pity on him. Almost. “Anyone here want to show Brad he’s not the only fucked-up person in the room?” Charlie asked.

  Chuckling reverberated through the room.

  “I’ll go first,” Aaron said, surprising not just Charlie. He stepped forward, raised his chin. “I grew up with parents who only loved me as long as I adhered to their standard of perfection. I’ve never felt loved, never felt accepted for who I was, never felt safe and secure. I may be an adult, but I often regress t
o childlike behavior and neediness—the puppy behavior you’ve witnessed. I physically and emotionally need Blake to take care of me, the way my parents never have.”

  Charlie had met Aaron multiple times, and always thought he was a good guy, if a bit weird, but this explained a lot. It took balls to admit this, especially to his brother in law.

  “My mom sold me to a known mobster when I was fourteen to pay off a debt. I was his whore for years, before he gave me to another man to settle a debt. That guy raped me before I killed him. My ex found me, and beat me up with the help of others.”

  Indy’s voice was quiet, with little trembles betraying the depth of his emotion. He turned his back toward Brad, lifted his shirt. Charlie couldn’t hold the small gasp in when he saw Indy’s scarred back. He’d never seen anything like it, his whole skin one maze of scars.

  “They poured acid over my back. I ran and I hid, until I met Noah and Josh, and Connor. I never knew what love was, what it felt like, until I met them. They taught me what love is, what family is.”

  He turned back around, dropped his shirt. Noah pulled him close, as Josh reached out to hold his hand.

  “I have PTSD, caused by a sexual assault when I was in the army.” Josh's voice was barely audible, yet it floated through the room straight into everyone’s heart. He was witnessing something special, Charlie realized. “Three of my fellow soldiers raped me, and shortly after I watched my best friend get blown up. I spent two weeks on a closed ward, and I’ve been treated for depression, anxiety attacks, nightmares, and other shit ever since.” He lifted his chin. “I need regular Dom/sub sessions with Connor to keep my mind clear. He spanks the stress right out of me. Without Connor’s love, Indy’s heart, and Noah’s friendship I wouldn’t be here today.”

  “I’m so fucking proud of you, Josh,” Indy said, stepping in and hugging Josh tight. Connor kissed his head at the same time, showing the beautiful dynamic between these men. Charlie couldn’t figure out what Indy and Josh were to each other, but it was clear they were more than mere friends.

  It was quiet for a few seconds. “I’ve never told this to anyone else, but Josh, Indy, and Noah,” Connor said. He cleared his voice. “I was a Marine Sergeant, leading a mission I knew was doomed to fail, when I was captured by the Taliban, with my best friend, Lucas. We were…” He swallowed, and Josh hugged him tight. “They tortured us. Waterboarding. Lucas didn’t make it. I got out, but I was a robot. It’s still hard for me to talk, to feel. Josh…he cracked my defenses. His love, it’s healing me. That, and my family.”

  Noah’s head whipped around. “Your family?” His tone was sharp.

  “Yeah, me and Josh and Indy and you. We’re family.”

  Noah’s face broke open in a smile that lit up the entire room. Holy fuck, the guy had a smile that could power a small city. Charlie felt the effects in his entire body and he wasn’t the only one. “Damn, O’Connor, you say the sweetest things.”

  “Fuck you, Flint.”

  “Not with that monster you have, but thanks for offering,” Noah quipped, breaking the tension in the room.

  Indy and Josh laughed, while others grinned. Charlie had heard rumors about Connor’s cock, which apparently was somewhat oversized.

  “Brad, don’t you see? Everyone here is fucked-up, whether it’s emotionally, physically, or sexually. There is no normal. That’s something that only exists in your head. You’ve blown your own hang ups so out of proportion that you’ve lost sight of the reality.”

  Miles sat down on the bed as he spoke, tugging Charlie on his hand to join him.

  Brad’s eyes were big as he looked at them. “But what about you two? You’re both perfect,” he whispered, his voice filled with pain.

  “Oh, sweetie, we’re not. Not even close.” Charlie swallowed. Should he tell him? How could he not, after what the others had shared? “I let Zack fuck me every time he wanted to, since I was fifteen… I knew he had a girlfriend, knew he was using me, and still I let him, because his attention was the only love I’d ever known. He used me, and I let him, and he abused me, and still I stayed. If that’s not seriously fucked-up, I don’t know what is.”

  “Charlie!” Brad’s voice was so pain-filled it made Charlie’s eyes tear up. He rose to his knees, hugged Charlie. “You’re worth so much more…I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  This was Brad, too. This infinite kindness and compassion, this tenderness and care.

  “Because I was ashamed for being this stupid. He played me like a fiddle, Brad, knew exactly what to say to a lonely, love-starved kid like me.”

  “You’re not stupid. This is all on him. He was the adult, sweetie. You were just a kid.”

  Charlie untangled himself from Brad’s arms, cupped his cheek with his right hand. “So were you. Blake told us a little about what happened with your parents.”

  Brad stiffened, his face closing down. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Yup, the defenses were back up. Charlie sighed.

  “I failed you,” Blake said, stepping forward.

  “No, you didn’t. You took care of us all,” Brad said, but his voice was emotionless.

  “No, Brad, you did. You cooked and you cleaned and you did everything. And I didn’t see it until it was too late. I kept Burke out of trouble, but you took care of both of us, like you cared for Benjamin before Mom died.”

  Brad’s eyes shifted restlessly. “I had to, because he was all alone. Mom always focused on keeping you and Burke quiet, so you wouldn’t anger Dad. Benjamin was all by himself.”

  “And who took care of you, Brad?” Miles asked, his voice so full of love Charlie got goosebumps. “Who looked after you?”

  “He only hit me once or twice. It was way worse for Blake and Burke.” Brad’s voice had dropped to a whisper.

  “That’s not what I asked, baby. Who took care of little Brad?”

  “They didn’t want me.”

  Brad’s shoulders sagged, and his eyes went down to his fidgety hands.

  Blake inhaled as if to say something, but Miles stopped him with a finger. “Who didn’t want you, baby?”

  “No one. No one wanted me. Matt and Julie, the couple who adopted Benjamin…I’d thought that maybe they’d want me, too, but they didn’t. They only wanted Benjamin.”

  This time Miles couldn’t keep Blake quiet. “You never told me you wanted to go with Benjamin.”

  Brad looked up. “You never asked. You asked Burke if he’d be okay with you as guardian, but you never asked me. No one asked me.”

  Blake looked stricken. “You didn’t want me as guardian?”

  “I wanted a family! For once in my life, I wanted someone to see me, love me, care enough about me to spend some fucking time with me. The only one who ever loved me was Benjamin, and that’s because he didn’t know any better!”

  Brad’s chest was heaving with ragged breaths, his voice broken. Max licked his hands, and Charlie’s heart melted at witnessing the dog’s loyal love for Brad.

  “I love you, Brad. I know I fucked up, but you have to know I love you.” Desperation laced Blake’s voice, and Charlie felt for him. Couldn’t be easy for this guy to hear all this, knowing he’d messed up.

  “Well, you have a funny way of showing it. You take care of everyone else, Blake, you always did. Burke never got away with shit, and it was you who made him into the man he is. You run this amazing program for abuse victims. You open up your own house for people who need shelter, for fuck’s sake. God, you take care of Aaron like it’s nothing—no offense, Aaron. But when have you ever been there for me? You knew I was self-destructing, was letting everyone and their brother fuck me, but you never gave a damn. Not enough to call me out on it.”

  Tears streamed down Brad’s face, his eyes still red and swollen from previous cries, yet he’d never looked more beautiful to Charlie. For the first time ever, he felt like he was seeing the real Brad. It was painful to watch, and it hurt to see him suffer so deeply, but it was liberat
ing at the same time. They’d broken through Brad’s defenses, which meant there was hope.

  * * *

  He’d done some pretty humiliating things in his life. Sucking off complete strangers, letting himself be fucked by guys whose name he didn’t even know. Nothing topped being stripped of all his defenses, however, in front of all these men. What the fuck was wrong with him that he’d broken down like this, had admitted way more of the truth than he should have? Any chance he’d had of a relationship with Charlie and Miles was now definitely out the window. God, he was pathetic.

  It was true, what he’d said. All of it. The anger at Blake he’d kept hidden for so long had finally risen to the surface. “I failed you”, Blake had told him. And what the fuck did that buy him?

  “I’m so sorry,” Blake said, his voice broken.

  What the fuck was he supposed to say to that? Of course, Blake was sorry. He was a good man. Fuck, he’d only been a kid himself at the time, had done the best he could. Didn’t make it right, though. Brad’s head was fucked-up, probably forever.

  “Guys, would you wait for us outside? I need to discuss something with just the three of us,” Miles said.

  Blake wasn’t happy, but Aaron held him close and led him out of the room, following the others. Miles gave some kind of signal to Josh, who whistled for Max, and coaxed him to follow.

  Brad held his head high. He knew what was coming. This was it. The end of his short-lived fantasy with these two perfect guys. Indy was the last one out, and he closed the bedroom door behind him, then the front door. All that was left were his own irregular breaths.

  “I know what you’re gonna say, okay? So save yourself the trouble. It’s over. We’re done. I get it.”

  Charlie gasped, but Miles didn’t show the reaction Brad had expected. Instead, he shifted on the bed until he had two feet on the floor, his back turned toward Brad. Miles took an audible breath. “Come here, boy.”

  His voice was deep, steady, and oh, so damn authoritative. It pushed all these needy buttons inside that no one had ever reached.