No Shame

by Nora Phoenix

  He kissed Brad’s head, sent Charlie a grateful smile.

  “I love you both so much.”

  * * *

  The sun shone bright, reflecting brightly off the endless rows of white crosses on Arlington. Josh stood ramrod straight, not a crease out of place on his dress uniform, his boots shinier than they had ever been. All of their friends had made the journey, even Blake and Aaron, to support Connor.

  Connor stood in the front. The sight of him in his dress Marine uniform had taken Josh's breath away. Connor had proudly worn his medals—more than Josh had even known he’d earned. He’d never talked about his Marine career before, other than some anecdotes, but to have earned those medals, he had to have been through hell and back.

  Next to Connor, Noah was equally formal and solemn as Marines brought the last honor to Lucas. Noah had been an absolute rock this week for Connor to lean on. And Connor had leaned hard. He’d shared more in the last few days than in all the months Josh had known him, and most of it had been with Noah, but that hadn’t bothered Josh. Connor wanted to protect him, and rightly so, since some of the details would have been too much for him to handle.

  But it was him Connor had sought comfort with. He’d held him, cuddled him, and Connor had fucked him absolutely raw. Even now, standing here, Josh’s ass was throbbing. Usually, they didn’t fuck every day, simply because Josh’s body needed time to recuperate from taking him. The last couple of days, it had been daily, and sometimes even more than once per day. Josh had done it with love, more than willing to sacrifice some physical comfort to be there for Connor.

  It seemed sacrilegious to think of sex at an occasion like this, but Josh had to. If he focused on what was happening in front of him, he’d lose it. It triggered too much inside him. Sex it was, then.

  As much as he had loved taking care of Connor this week, he had reached his limit of what he could handle, at least physically. He wasn’t sure how to tell Connor, though. He’d always been there when Josh had needed him, so how could he say no when the tables were turned?

  The wail of “Taps” broke through Josh's thoughts, and he shivered. Fuck, he loved and hated that piece of music with equal fervor. It was so hauntingly beautiful, but so fucking heartbreaking at the same time.

  On his left side, Indy brushed Josh's hand with his pinkie. They couldn’t hold hands, not here, not with so many military men present. And not while Josh was in uniform. He respected the uniform and all it stood for too much for that. But that tiny little touch steadied him nevertheless.

  The pallbearers folded the flag, every move perfectly executed. Josh's throat was too tight to swallow. That could have been Noah right there. He’d come so damn close to losing him.

  Indy’s hand nudged his again, pulling him back. He had to think of something else.

  The Marine holding the flag approached Connor, offered him the flag. “On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps." Connor nodded, accepted it with a stony face.

  Josh managed to hold it together till it was all over. Indy and the others were standing near the front, leaving Josh standing a bit to the side. Connor was still talking to a few of his former Marines when loud talking erupted behind the group. Josh turned. A group of tourists was taking pictures of the graves, laughing and joking. Josh clenched his fists, but before he could say or do anything, a lone figure in the back marched toward them.

  “Be quiet!” his voice thundered. “You will respect the sanctity of this place and the sacrifices made by those buried here.”

  Josh recognized him on instance. Behind him, one of the Marines yelled: “Attention!”

  All military men and women snapped to attention. To the last man, including Noah, Connor, and Josh himself, they saluted General Flint. Instant silence descended upon the place. Even the birds seemed scared to sing. The tourists slinked off hurriedly, casting worried glances over their shoulders until they were out of sight.

  General Flint marched to the front of the group. “As you were.”

  His face softened as he approached Connor, but Josh tensed up. The last time they had seen each other was when Connor had booted him out of that hospital waiting room when Noah had his surgery. Only later had Josh understood how Connor had gotten rid of the man—by threatening to go public with the truth about what had happened to his unit.

  The General stepped in front of Connor, who still stood ramrod straight. “Sergeant O’Connor.”

  Connor didn’t even blink. “General.”

  “At ease, Sergeant. I’m sorry…for your loss. I understand he was your best friend.”

  Josh's breath stopped at that long pause. Noah’s dad was saying more than standard words. He was apologizing to Connor in a way Josh had never thought possible. Noah’s face showed the same shock Josh was feeling. Even Connor looked startled for a second or two. Then he, too, accepted the hand extended to him.

  “Thank you, sir. He was. The best Marine I’ve ever known and an even better friend.”

  Josh caught the baffled looks of the other Marines present. Few people knew about General Flint’s involvement in the operation that led to Lucas and Connor being captured. But even those who did must have been wondering why a general would show up to a Marine’s funeral.

  Then Connor’s CO stepped up, gave the General a crisp salute, which he returned promptly. “General Flint. On behalf of the United States Marine Corps, our deepest thanks for your relentless efforts in retrieving Corporal Martins’ body.”

  Josh's eyes widened, and he shared a quick what-the-fuck look with Noah. His dad had been involved in finding Lucas’ body? Everyone stood straight as the two men exchanged soft words.

  Noah broke rank first, walked toward his dad with unsteady paces on the uneven ground. Josh trailed behind him, wanting to make sure he was okay.

  “Dad,” Noah said. Josh held back a chuckle as Marines all around him suddenly checked the name on Noah’s uniform to make sure they’d heard it right. “Thank you for coming.”

  His dad nodded. “It was the right thing to do.” He lowered his voice, making sure only Noah, Connor, and Josh could hear it. “I kept in the back, though. Didn’t want to distract anyone. This wasn’t about me.”

  “No, but it means a lot to Connor that you showed up. And to me.”

  “Noah…” The general seemed to search for words. “I would love to come see your new house.”

  It was the clearest attempt at reconciliation Josh had ever seen the man make.

  “You know I live there with my boyfriend, right? And with Josh and Connor?” Noah asked.

  His dad nodded. “Yes. I’d like to meet Indy, but not here. Not like this.”

  Josh understood. The man who’d defended don’t ask don’t tell could not be seen in public with his gay son and boyfriend. The fact that he even wanted to meet Indy in private was a big gesture, though. You couldn’t expect miracles here, only small steps in the right direction. Would his own parents ever even make a gesture like that? He doubted it. As far as they were concerned, Josh was dead. Aaron, too.

  At that exact moment, Aaron appeared at his side, sporting the insecure look he usually had when he was near Josh, as if he was expecting a blow. How long would it take before Aaron would feel safe with him and not expect Josh to reject him? It stabbed through Josh’s heart that this was what he had caused. He’d started to rebuild his relationship with Aaron, but it would take a long time before Aaron would fully trust him.

  He turned toward Aaron, sent him a soft smile. “Hey, bro. Thanks for coming today.”

  The smile Aaron sent back was staggering. He was indeed a little puppy, so eager to please. “We wanted to be here for Connor. And for you.”

  “I’m holding up okay,” Josh answered the question Aaron was probably afraid to ask. “But I could use a little distraction now.”

  “Want m
e to get Indy for you? Or Noah?” Aaron offered.

  “Nah. Just talk to me. How did your job interview go? I’m sorry, I forgot to ask this week, but—”

  “It’s okay, Josh, I get it. You had other things to worry about.” Aaron’s voice was kind, and Josh felt his sincerity. “I got the job. They called me Friday to tell me. I start in a week.”

  Josh’s face broke open in a smile. “That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you.”

  “Me too. I’m really excited, because it’s such a great cause, and it’s the kind of work I love.”

  Josh hugged him briefly.

  “How have you been?” Aaron asked. “Not this week, I mean, but like, in general?”

  It wasn’t the most articulate of questions, but Josh understood the sentiment behind it. “I’m relatively good. This week has been hard, obviously, most of all for Connor, but shit like this affects me too.” He hesitated. He wasn’t used to explaining himself to others, but maybe Aaron deserved more than finding things out weeks later. “Indy and I, we’re together now, too. Like, I’m with Connor and he’s with Noah, but we’re together as well if that makes sense.”

  Aaron sent him a sweet smile. “A polyamorous relation,” he said. “That makes total sense for you all.”

  Josh couldn’t hide his surprise. “How do you know about…?”

  Aaron blushed a little, but didn’t avoid Josh’s eyes. “I’m educating myself about all kinds of things, including the many options on the gender and sexuality spectrum, but also about different sexual kinks and preferences. I wanted to know more about puppy play, that’s how it started, and I kind of went down a rabbit hole from there.”

  Josh grinned. “There’s plenty of kink to go around,” he said.

  “Josh, I’m happy for you and Indy. It’s obvious how much you love each other, and you’re blessed that Noah and Connor can see it, too.”

  Blessed. It was a word Josh hadn’t heard or used in a long time, but it was strangely fitting. He was blessed in every single way.

  22

  He was still not okay. It was the day after Connor had buried Lucas, and he felt like ants were crawling under his skin. What the fuck did he have to do to feel normal again?

  He’d talked. For the first time ever, he had talked. He’d shared memories of Lucas with Noah, but also with Josh and Indy, even with Miles and his boys. Something would happen that would trigger a memory and he’d talk.

  How they’d met in boot camp, became friends. His wicked sense of humor, always pulling pranks. How Lucas had struggled with reading, being severely dyslexic, but he’d been so proud to finish high school, then become a Marine. How much he’d loved his mom, who’d raised him as a single parent after his dad had walked out on them when Lucas was still a toddler. She’d died during his first tour, her body surrendering to the cancer she’d been fighting for years.

  He shared with Josh how Lucas must have known Connor was gay, but never said a word, and never treated him any differently. He’d been straight, Lucas himself. Not a womanizer by any standard, but definitely straight. And still, Connor had loved him. He hadn’t fully realized how much he’d loved him until now.

  “I’m sorry for not telling you,” he’d told Josh in bed sometime that week. “I didn’t mean to keep it from you.”

  “Oh, baby, there’s nothing to say sorry for. You didn’t lie to me. You didn’t know. Our mind protects us that way, and I understand.”

  Connor had sighed. “He called me Boston. He was from Connecticut, and he always laughed at my thick accent, so he started calling me Boston. He never went back to Connor.”

  He’d teared up, remembering the last time Lucas had been dragged off. “You’ll be okay, Boston!” he’d shouted out as he’d been hauled off to his death. Not something he could share with Josh. His sweet, nurturing Josh who was doing everything he could to be there for Connor, but who had to be protected from the gruesome details.

  So Connor had talked to Noah about the torture, as best as he could. They’d sat outside in the garden, nature in full bloom around them, as Connor recounted what had been done to him, to them. Noah had listened, throwing in an occasional supportive word here and there, but nothing more than that. No advice, no well-meaning clichés, simply presence. Connor had talked more than he had in his entire life, and it had been good. But still, that restlessness wouldn’t disappear.

  He’d never been more grateful for the family he was now a part of. They had rallied around him, supported him and Josh. Fuck, the way Miles had taken care of Josh together with Indy when Connor and Noah went to Andrews, it had been phenomenal. Josh had needed the pain, and Miles and Indy had stepped in.

  Truth be told, Connor had hardly thought about Josh that day. His mind had been so full with Lucas, it was like he’d had no capacity for anything else. Should he feel guilty about that? Probably.

  “It’s okay, Connor,” Noah had said.

  He’d turned his head. “Hmm?”

  “It’s okay to be selfish right now. You’re grieving. Josh understands.”

  Josh would. The man knew about pain, about coping. He was the strongest man Connor knew, with the exception of Indy. Those two, what they had walked through, it was phenomenal.

  “But he’s okay. Josh is okay. Miles worked him over good with the paddle. Indy texted pictures, if you want to see them?”

  It was funny how Indy and Noah communicated. Josh would text Connor sometimes, but they were either short to-the-point messages relaying some information, or a simple “I love you” in a few variations. Indy and Noah texted entire stories, complete with pictures and whatnot.

  Noah dug his phone out, handed it to Connor. He looked at the pics of a sleeping Josh, spread out on his stomach, his face showing the bliss of a post-subspace peace, and smiled. “Hot damn, that’s one wicked red ass. Beautiful.”

  One thing was certain after seeing that picture: he would not be able to fuck Josh, and selfish as it was, he was bummed. He was restless, in the mood to fuck really, really hard. Let off some steam. But there was no way, not with what Josh had endured already. It would have done Josh good, no doubt. He’d been due a session anyway, and with the stress of what had happened, he would have needed a solid level of pain to cope.

  And if Indy had fucked him, he would have let Josh come afterward, at least twice, because that’s how Indy rolled. The kid was no pushover, but he was way too tender-hearted for a Dom. Even denying Josh an orgasm would feel cruel to him. No, Josh would not be in any mood or condition for sex. He’d be willing to if Connor asked, but it would not be good for him. He handed Noah his phone back, sighed.

  “You okay?” Noah asked.

  “Yeah.” He pondered it for a bit, then decided to level with him. “Was hoping for a hard fuck when I got back, but looking at that pic, that’s not gonna happen.”

  “He would do it, if you asked him.”

  Connor shook his head. “No. I won’t ask him. I will never put him in a position where he’d feel he can’t say no.”

  “You’re a good man, O’Connor,” Noah said, banging a right onto their driveway. “Honorable.”

  Maybe, but he was also horny as fuck now. Oh, well. He’d live.

  When they walked in, Miles was in the living room with his two boys, watching a movie. Thank fuck they didn’t ask any of the obligatory “How did it go” questions.

  Connor walked straight into his bedroom, where Josh was sleeping on his stomach, Indy reading a book in bed next to him. Indy got off the bed as he spotted them. He walked out, closed the door softly behind him.

  “How is he?” Connor asked.

  “He’s good,” Indy said. But how are you?”

  Connor shrugged. He had no fucking idea how to answer that question.

  Indy reached out his arms and when Connor hugged him, simply jumped up. He caught him easily—the kid weighed nothing— held him close. He loved how affectionate Indy was with him now. It was such a dramatic change from the skittish boy who’d been scared
of even being touched. Yet every time Indy hugged him like this, the truth of what he’d done to him stabbed Connor through the heart. He still hadn’t told him.

  Indy rubbed his cheek against Connor’s. “I’m so sorry for you, Connor.”

  “Yeah.”

  When he put Indy back down, the kid made contact with his massive hard on, which had come back with a vengeance after seeing Josh. “Sorry,” Connor mumbled.

  “You can’t fuck him,” Indy said, crossing his arms.

  “I know, little firecracker. I know. I saw the pictures. Is he okay now?”

  “Miles was awesome. Used only the paddle, but so slowly and so long he had Josh squirming, begging for more. I fucked him twice, then had him suck me off a third time before I allowed him to come.”

  Huh. Indy had more Dom skills than Connor had given him credit for. “Thank you for taking care of our man,” he said, meaning every word. He rearranged his cock, trying to get it to settle down.

  Indy beamed. “Always my pleasure. I took a bath with him, then rubbed his ass with that lotion you always use. You know, the aloe one.”

  Connor nodded. “Good. That’ll help.”

  “I wasn’t sure if he needed a cooling pack or not, and he fell asleep before I could ask.”

  “Nah. Let him be for now. The longer the burn lingers, the longer it’ll help him to keep his head clear.”

  Behind them, the door opened. “Connor,” Josh said simply. He’d put on some boxers and walked straight into Connor’s arms, hugging him tenderly. “I love you.”

  No empty words from Josh either. He understood loss. They all did. Connor kissed Josh's soft lips. “How are you, baby? Did Miles work you over good?”

  He put his hand on Josh's ass, slipping under his boxers to gently rub the skin that was searing hot under his hand. Josh winced.

  “Fuck, yes. When he started paddling me, I thought he was joking, it was so gentle. But after like fifty strokes or so, my ass was on fire. I lost track after that, completely sank into subspace.”