Seeing nothing but Red

by Jazzmine Mellodi

  Oh my god. I can't believe what I've just heard and what I should not of heard. I feel so much guilt inside and i panicked. I panicked as I'm in an awful situation and the best thing I can think to do is quickly get back into bed and pretend I'm still asleep. It's stupid , really stupid but my gut is in knots and i'm not sure i can face her right now without breaking down myself.

  This girl has done things to my soul i just can't explain. She brings out the good in me and i just don't want her not trust me right now. Because she really needs that, she needs the trust, i could hear it in her voice just then , the desperation screaming from within. I scramble back into bed, as quietly and unnoticeably as i could and pretended to sleep. About 5 minutes later i sensed her coming back towards the bed, slowly and silently because when she knelt on the corner of the bed to sit down i nearly jumped out of my fucking skin. Slowly she edged closer to my face whispering softly “ Orion, i know you're awake but please don't open your eyes. Firstly i'm sorry i got you involved in my crazy life, you’ve been too good to me and i really appreciate it more than you probably realise. What's left of my heart seems broken right now, my mind is screaming for me to run away but what's left of my heart is begging me to stay. There is something about you Orion, which makes everything feel okay. Like i can live. And well, if it's okay with you. I’d like to live some more, i can't promise you much in return. But i just really would like to stay with you for now, you're the only one i trust in this world which feels so dark, you bring me a little bit of light. You bring me hope.” i felt the tears as they slowly rolled off her cheek onto my arm. I stayed still, stunned yet again by what she had said to me, my heart breaking for her, lending my broken pieces to fix hers. She gently laid back into my arms, with that i just pulled her close into my chest, i didn't open my eyes. I just muttered the words into her ear softly “ Red, this is your home now and always will be”.

  The next few days were stressful, she barely spoke two words to me, eye contact was non existent and I found her crying in the bathroom a numerous amount of times. I just let her get it out, she was falling apart right in front of me. But i just let her do it, she needed to. As hard as it was for me to see, I fear this is the first time she's let these emotions out. On the 5th day I felt like I had woken into another universe, the smell of freshly cooked bacon aroused my nose. My taste buds flooding my mouth. To my surprise I found a full spread of delicious goodies on the dining room table. And there she sat, in her pajamas the same pair she had worn for the last five days, bed hair and a smile on her face. Boy, was she the most beautiful sight to wake up to.

  April

  My life had twisted and turned into the unimaginable. I feared for my life only days ago, by the man who i had always known as my brother, who in fact was no relation to me at all. The man who had raised and tormented me daily with abuse. I had finally escaped, frightened and scared. I had no future, nowhere to run to. This random guy who had saved me once before had taken me in. His kindness had done something to my soul, he had broken down barriers i thought were permanent. Everytime he placed them warm green eyes anywhere near my direction i got the most intense feeling in my gut. He had seen me at my worst and yet he still was here.

  The night after he brought me to his stunning house, I pleaded with my mum in desperation to come home , for me. Any loving mother would've jumped on the first plane and raced home, not my mother, instead she used it as a way of telling me she would never leave her boyfriend of two months for something so trivial. It was worth a try I guess , one last try. Wiping the slate completely clean i cut her off, Her poison was just as venomous as Tys and i was done with getting stung.

  It took a few days for my body and my mind to get over everything that had happened it all felt like a big messed up blur full of hate and anger.

  Then one day, I woke up and I felt fresh. I felt like I had woken up from a nightmare and landed in heaven. I turned to this beautiful work of art next to me, with his muscular arm draped over my waist. He hadn't left my side ever since i asked him not to leave me. He was however a deep sleeper so it was easy to sneak away from his side without waking him.

  I had no way of showing him how much he meant to me right now, this last week had been a rollercoaster of emotions but I now felt the happiest id ever been. So i decided to cook him breakfast that was the least he deserved, but this is where I will start. After finally working out how to cook the bacon on his fancy cooker, i have never seen so many dials in my whole life! I cooked him up bacon, eggs , pancakes and even made him a fruit salad. By the time I had finally laid it all down for him, poured him an orange juice , i sat down for seconds to be surprised by his presence watching me from the doorway. I just looked at him and smiled, i felt so happy right now. As he approached me it felt like the moment was going in slow motion, my heart was racing, i had this uncontrollable smile on my face and my cheeks were burning. He bent down getting closer and closer to my face, my breath hitched, i felt like i couldn't breath and yet i couldn't stop looking into his eyes. His thumb brushed against my chin and he gently sucked the grease of his finger a naughty grin grew on his face as he whispered “ delicious” under his breath.

  Breakfast turned into lunch, we talked for hours. I learnt so much about him, for starters he can't swim. Ironic really considering he lives in a house which is surrounded by water. His favorite film is The Goonies and he got his first tattoo when he was 13. His mum died when he was young from the flu, which is awful really because I complain about my mum and he hasn't even got his. He didn't mention his dad but for some reason I didn't feel comfortable asking at the time. I got a strange vibe like i shouldn't pry. Anyway our brunch was soon interrupted by a phone call he received where he excused himself and retreated to the study.

  I didn't see him till he emerged 3 hours later, after I'd tidied it all up and had a nap I had found some paper so I had set myself up in front of the fireplace and began sketching. As i had no visual representations to work from , I started sketching from memory. Funny thing was when everything started to come together, I didn't see one person. I saw two. I saw Orion he had been who was on my mind, but I also saw Jackson. Which through me because so much has been going on I hadn't even paid him two thoughts after the last time I saw him. The trust had been well and truly broken and well I hadn't heard from him either, so why could I see him in my drawing?

  When Orion approached me he looked nervous, shifty and that made me anxious. He perched himself off the edge of the sofa, erratically grabbing his neck in hesitation. Struggling to spit out any words “ April, look. I’ve had a call i've got to go away tomorrow for a few days for business , something has come up. As much as i want to i can't take you with me, and i'd love to stay here and be with you but i just have to go and sort some stuff out.” after a slight pause “ and look i don't know how you feel about it but i don't want to be leaving you here by yourself. I know how vulnerable you are at the moment, and I fully understand why ,but anyway, I'd like you to get some shoes on and come with me please, i need to do this before i go” he was being so vague, it was making me extremely nervous, but he had been so good to me , it didn’t feel right to question him. I trust him, i trust him with my life so i didn't quibble, i just got my shoes on and waited for when he was ready.

  As we walked to his car, i learnt that he had not 1 car, but 5! Who would've known , he's full of surprises. Anyway he opted for his Jeep Wrangler in matt green , high suspension and tinted windows. It looked so cool, but hardcore at the same time. I felt like I needed a little step ladder to get in. His heavily tattooed arms strapped me in and he placed one hand on my thigh giving it a gentle squeeze “ Trust me Red, you need this”. I need what? Boy he was freaking me out with this sudden switch in moods and vague talk.

  He drove for about 40 minutes and just as we pulled up into this random lane, he glanced at me giving me a sneaky grin. I had no idea what was going on and I was completely and silently freaking out. However he would never know that as i have a poker fa
ce of steel.. Or so I thought. “ Red, stop freaking out and trust me” Jesus was this guy in my head or something. Maybe he was my subconscious?

  As he drove down the lane, which quickly shifted into a mud track i heard the distant sound of dogs barking, as he carried on driving the sound got louder and louder until bam. We passed an entrance sign for “ Second Chances Rescue Centre?”. For a split second I was thinking is he leaving me here? But i soon laughed my way out of that thought. I just kept looking at him, waiting for him to give me the confirmation to what i thought was going on, but he just smiled and ignored me.

  Until he parked up and turned to me, “ Red, i don't wanna leave you ever again, i tried it once and it was the worst decision in my life, i know i’ve only known you a week and the circumstances haven't been great. There is people in your life who have broken you, your trust, your confidence and your soul. I want you to know , I will never do such a thing. However it's out of my hands that I've got to go away for a few days, I don't want to leave you by yourself, and so I thought if you’d like, you can go here and pick a little guy to keep you company, to love you and adore you as much as I'm growing to do. Most of all, you’ll never be alone again Red. Never.” I burst into tears, i was speechless, he was thinking so much about how i am feeling and how i could be feeling. He knew what haunts me the most, the thought of being alone.

  Orion

  Receiving that phone call at lunch had dampened my mood deeply. I was full of worry, for April i didn't want to leave her alone.. The thought that she would be sitting in my house all alone when she was feeling her most vulnerable and frightened was killing me. I debated not going to this meeting but there was no choice about it, i had to go. Something was going on in the business, money had started to disappear and the drugs were becoming sloppy. I thought something was going on for a few months, but had foolishly trusted those around me, however I'm beginning to think Ty was playing a completely different ball game to me. After all I had now seen a completely different side to him.

  Going back to April , i thought for hours on what to do , if I brought her with me it would be too dangerous, as Ty had got so close to killing her only a few nights ago, if he even got a whiff of an idea where she was i would hate to know how far he would go this time. I wasn't going to risk it at all.

  No doubt about it, my thoughts then traveled back to a dog shelter i used to visit after my mum had died, there was a little terrier i would go and walk after school on a tuesday and thursday. Boy did i love that dog, he was called Rodrigo, Black and Tan Terrier and he would get ever so excited once he heard the jingle jangle of keys hanging from my trousers. As soon as I saw him all my sadness would disappear and I would forget about my problems for a few hours. Always loved that dog even if he did end up going to another family.

  My foster parents hated animals, so there was no chance he would of been able to live with me. But i always wished he would one day. The thought of a little dog to keep April company whilst I was away was brilliant, she would be so distracted with the dog she wouldn't even notice I was gone.

  I got so excited with this brilliant plan, i vaguely persuaded her to join me on a drive, which i could tell made her nervous, she always plays with her hair moving it to cover her face when she's feeling a bit uneasy. It's like she becomes ashamed and wants to hide. I wanted it to be a surprise, something positive and I was certain she would find a puppy or cute little dog to make her happy. The love of a dog compares to nothing else. It's unconditional.

  Once she finally twigged were we where , she was itching for me to validate the reason why i had brought her here, and no Red i'm not leaving you at the shelter. I laughed under my breath. I told her my reasoning and as she hung on every word I said, I noticed her eyes class and her bottom lip wobble. Every word seeped into her skin and although she was sobbing by this point it wasn’t a horrible sob. It was a cry of relief, like someone had finally understood her.

  Once calming down , she thanked me and innocently asked if we could go in. Now boy, this place hasn't changed a bit. Which is sad because the amount of work the family who owns this rescue put into the dogs, it's a shame it's got so run down. The wooden fencing was all warn , the wood had seen better days and the grass was so overgrown it was a miracle there wasn’t a few dogs hiding in there.

  Arriving at the front desk, I saw a frail lady stand to greet us with a smile I'd never forget. It was Sandra, the lady who let me visit the dogs and spend time with them after school so I wouldn't have to go home. She would feed the dogs at 5, and me as if she didn't have enough to do. After I'd had some chips and beans i’d cycle home just before the foster parents returned from work. I’d always leave a clean dish on the drying rack with some cutlery ( to symbolise i’d eaten and tidied after myself) they never questioned anything. To be honest they never cared enough to question anything I ever did during my 7 years living with them.

  The frail lady studied my face, for all of 3 seconds before she hobbled around the desk and flung her arms wide open “Orion, I'd always wished I would see you again. You look so well boy, lovely wife you’ve got yourself here. How long have you been married my love?” Bless her, she must've been over 80 years old now and I just didn't have it in me to tell her we weren't married, we weren't even really together where we?

  Before I even got a chance to respond April stole the limelight and said “ we’ve been married two years this fall, I’m April. I’m a very lucky girl” This little frail lady embraced my Red with a hug full of love. “ you're both very lucky my dear, I see the love in both your eyes. Not all find that. Now what brings you here today apart from a visit to me?”

  I explained to Sandra, we were looking for a puppy or little dog to keep us company. Sandra, being sandra said “ You know the way boy, let me know once one of the dogs has found you” With that she handed me the keys to the kennels and we made our way to the barns ,where all the dogs up for adoption were kept. Once we entered i kept quiet, as much as I would've loved to have gone a picked my ideal choice this wasn't my decision to make. April needed this.

  We spent the most of an hour looking round the first two barns full of kennels and cute little dogs begging for attention and a home. However none had sparked April's interest, I could tell by the half hearted smile she kept throwing my way. The Third and last barn was the dogs who had been here a while, the ones who never usually ended up getting a home. Worry was creeping in as I hadn't thought about the fact that she may not end up getting a dog today. What am I going to do then.

  A few kennels into the third barn, was a big black and tan doberman, he instantly reminded me of the little guy I used to visit when I was younger. He was Curled up in the corner, back facing us and overall looking very depressed. I don't blame him, he's probably been here a few years, been overlooked time and time again why should he get excited to see us.

  On the other hand, April had sat in front of the gate, this is the first dog she's taken an interest in and yet he has next to no interest in her. He hasn't even bothered to turn around ironic isn't it. She softly spoke sweet nothings to him for about 10 minutes, her faith and patience was inspiring. My heart was hurting for her, this dog wasn't interested, that was until he finally turned around. He looked at her , he then looked at her some more, his nose frantically searching for her scent, curiosity had caught him and he slowly made his way closer to the kennel gate where she sat. His tail began to slowly wag, still unsure but certain there was something he liked. Her deep brown doe eyes turned to me, “ can you open the door please?” i nodded and foolishly did as she said, before i even had a chance to click the gate back this giant doberman came storming out of the kennel, my heart beating at about 100 mph.

  My first thought was that he was going to attack. Yeah right, attack with kisses, this frightened doberman who was curled up into a ball at the back of the kennel was smothering April with kisses, his tail wagging so fast I was convinced it would end up falling off. I was amazed, out of all the dogs here i would n
ot have thought this was going to be the one she would choose, however it looks like he chose really.

  I’ve got to admit, watching April light up once he had come to her was priceless, there was no way I was taking that feeling away from her so, guess he's the one. After he had fully smothered April he sniffed me out, I got an approving Lick on the hand and a slight wag of his tail i was happy with that. “ so he's the one?” i asked. Stupid question really but she threw herself into my arms “ yes yes yes thankyou thankyou” calming herself down she leant back and gently cupped my face in her soft petite hands , staring into my eyes she said “thank you” with deeper meaning than before and placed her lips upon mine. The kiss was short and sweet but it meant more than you’d ever think. I wanted her to do it again, I wanted to feel her rosy pink lips on mine forever.

  How did I get so lucky to find her, to trust me with her life and allow me to look after her, after all she's been through it would be understandable if she hadn’t even given me the time of day but now, now she's beginning to trust me with the most important part of herself. Her heart, and i'm going to do everything in my power to protect it from anything that may harm , hurt or upset her.