Seeing nothing but Red

by Jazzmine Mellodi

  We drove for hours and hours, hunger tying knots in my stomach i was too afraid to ask what was going on, plus i was too young to fully understand what was going on either. It wasn’t until i had literally had been dropped on this random doorstep and was stood watching him drive off in the distance, that i questioned what i was doing here. I screamed “ daddy” for what felt like hours, tears ran down my cheeks and sorrow filled my heart. I was all alone, on christmas day. A few hours passed until someone found me curled up on the doorstep, i had cried myself to sleep. This elderly lady had a heart of gold, she took me into her home, two other children were already living here much older than i was, teenagers if i remember rightly. They also took me under there wing, treated me to leftover christmas dinner and also gave me a couple of there christmas toys. I stayed with that elderly lady until she unfortunately passed away, the teenagers had moved out.

  I had fully been thrown into the system of endless houses full of people who really shouldn't have children but liked the idea. It took me 8 years of different foster “families” to finally be adopted by a couple of lawyers, why they adopted me i had no idea, they were never around, they never cared what I was up to but i knew little about love so it didn't bother me. As long as I had a roof over my head, who am I to complain. I was 15 when I started visiting the local shelter after school. It was then that I learned about true love. The kind no money can buy, the love of a dog. The kind of love that will never leave you alone on christmas day.

  This man, who had caused me so much pain, heartache, issues, leaving me feeling alone my whole life, stood before me, only metres away and yet at this moment in time i felt like i was back to that cold christmas morning. Unable to speak nor move. I felt frozen once again, trapped in my emotions. Moments passed while I stood there like an idiot unable to speak or move until they retreated back into Tys house.

  And as soon as that door shut, I fled. I needed time to process everything that was going on. I needed to escape!

  April

  Orion had been gone a day and i felt so lost without him, i had tried to draw but i was so full of worry i ended up just ripping up a load of paper. Orion looked distressed before he left, like something was wrong, very wrong. Dodger had picked up on my worry, keeping me company whilst i snuggled into the sofa whilst enjoying my view of the sea. I had stayed here pretty much all day, just thinking about everything. Overthinking every bad possibility in my head. Eventually i fell asleep. It wasn't until i woke up in darkness i retreated to my room, the sound of rummaging in the study startled me, i began to panic. Someone was in the house, a stranger. What if its a robber, worse what if it's Ty. My heart racing i slowly crept forward, before i had a chance to think of my next move, Dodger burst past me, aggressively barking in my defence. Fear was fully engaged and i didnt know what to do. Until i heard a voice i would recognise anywhere, “ Dodger calm down it's only me” with a switch of a light there was Orion. I didn't need to see he was completely wasted because the strong smell of whisky was apparent as soon as he opened his mouth. “ Come on, let's get you to bed” i slowly guided him to the bedroom as he fumbled his way down the hallway.

  He flopped heavily onto the bed , suddenly fighting with his belt as he tried to take of his trousers, i helped him undress down to his boxers as he rolled onto his side. His glossy drunken eyes watching me intensely, as i gently folded his clothes neatly into a pile. “ This world doesn't deserve you Red.” the words slurred out his mouth, as he continued to speak some more “ if this was my last ever view i’d be happy. I don't need christmas” His words were so sweet even when he was drunk and confusing but then again he was completely smashed right now so he probably doesn't even know what he’s talking about. I decided it's best for me to let him sleep rather than him continue to speak gibberish to me. I retreated to the kitchen to get him a glass of water and some vitamins for the morning. When i returned to leave the water at his bedside, he was fast asleep yet his face still looked full of worry. How does one look so worried even whilst they sleep.

  I thought it was best that i was to sleep in a separate room tonight because well putting it bluntly he stank and he was snoring like a trooper so i needed to be in my own room as much as i love having him near, i really can't deal with that snoring. I hadn’t been asleep long til i felt the warmth of hands lightly grip around my waste and the slight tug of Orion pulling me into him, the gentle brush of his stubbly chin as he rest his head into my neck. He inhaled deeply, like he was consuming every inch of me, i just layed still in his arms. Enjoying the comfort of him holding me so close, he held me like i’d never been held before. Like i was a china doll, ever so fragile but all too important for him to ever lose grip of. We haven't known each other long, we didn't really know much about each other either but it didn't matter, i knew him and he knew me. It felt right and right now i didn't want to be anywhere else than in the comfort of his arms.

  The next 5 days I hardly saw Orion, he was in and out. Slamming doors, having arguments over the phone, Rushing back out and coming home early hours of the morning and disappearing back out before I'd even woken up. He was stressed, worried and frantically trying to fix something. I had no idea what but I could tell there was something wrong with his business , whatever that is.

  I kept out of the way, took Dodger for walks and managed to get some painting done. He had put so much time into me, I didn't want him to worry about what I was up to , i was a big girl I could sort myself out. But that didn't stop me from worrying about him, by day 6 I was getting really concerned, I hadn't seen him much but i knew he was leaving in the morning about 7.30 so i made a plan to wake up before he left, so i could just check in with him. Make sure he was okay.

  I sat at the countertop with two coffees ( well a hot chocolate for me, i hate coffee ) and waited for him to get up. I had assumed he had come home in the middle of the night like he had the previous nights, so I waited and waited. To my surprise I was naive waiting because he hadn't been home to begin with and at 9.15, he rolled through the front door. Looking like hell, dark circles swarmed his eyes from the lack of sleep he had been getting. He looked like he hadn't showered this week, his hair was a mess and well if I had seen him on the street I would have assumed he was a very very good looking homeless man.

  As his eyes noticed me sat at the counter his hand gripped his forehead in regret, I could see the tension in his face as he scrambled to give me an explanation.

  I just wanted to help, so i swallowed the burning question ‘ what the fuck is going on?’ and simply avoided asking any questions as i knew he wouldn't want to answer any right now.

  Because well if he wanted to speak to me he knew he could, so it's not my place to pry. I passed him a coffee as I took his coat of his back, and I sat next to him at the counter as he sipped his stone cold coffee without any complaining.

  “ Orion, I know something's going on right now and I'm not expecting or asking you to tell me. I'm just worried about you. You’ve barely been home this week and i know it's not my place to question your life it's just, the drinking and the late nights. I’m worried, because I care”

  He didn't respond straight away, like he was thinking of his best way to respond, it was as if he wanted to tell me but just didn't know how. “Look Red ,I don't want to talk about it.” his voice was tired and fed up. “ I'll be home now so you don't have to worry no more” i tried to respond with “ I wasn't trying to say that” but he walked out into the bathroom before i had a chance.

  I felt helpless, lost and unaware of what to do. He was clearly struggling with something and I couldn't do anything to help. What could i do to make something better when i had no idea what it was?

  Orion

  Things were shit right now, putting it bluntly. The business had gone from being in major demand to us losing all our contacts, my workers had all quit on me and basically there was nothing left to save. I had spent days and days with my lawyers moving all the money around, transferring names on assets,
even changing my will. I sold all my other properties. The problem wasn’t the money it was the names which were attached to properties i owned, if this was the end of the business I needed to make sure nothing, not one thing could be lead back to me, if anyone was ever to uncover the system we have had in place all these years I'd be screwed.

  I needed to be clean, not just for me but for April.

  The days were long, it wasn't easy sorting this shit show out and i needed to wind down before I came home, so I had been spending my evenings in a local dive, drinking more than I should be but I just couldn't get that image out of my head.

  Why the fuck was my dad in town, why was he with Ty and again why the fuck was he back?

  He looked so smug, like the cat who had got the cream and if he is pals with Ty then this isn't good news. I had so many questions, memories and theories running through my mind I needed to drink, i needed to drink until I forgot everything I had been thinking of because I never wanted to see his face again, yet it was there every time I closed my eyes. The image of him driving away , I had kept them memories locked away for so long, it had caused me so much pain and yet now I couldn't stop thinking about it. It poisoned my mind, so I drank till i couldn't feel no more. I drank until i woke up face down in a gutter, unaware of where I was and I stank, i really stank.

  It was the wake up call I needed from this downward spiral I had put myself in so briefly. Yet again that man i call my father had managed to get in my head.

  As I crept through the front door, I saw Red sat at the counter with two cups in front of her, Beautifully unaware i was coming through the front door. I knew she was unaware by the way her body jumped when she heard me coming from behind. The look of slight shock touched her face. Everything between us had felt so right, it had been moving so fast, one day she wasn't in my life the next minute she was my life. I felt like I'd known her a lift time when in fact I barely knew her at all, but I wouldn't change anything for the world. Apart from the fact i wish we had met sooner, I wish I had saved her from whatever had been going on behind them doors.

  The way she was looking at me, I instantly felt guilty. I knew she must of been worried about my whereabouts , my sudden change in behaviour, the heavy drinking and the late nights. I had kept this part of my life secret and I couldn't pull her into this, it wasn’t fair on her. But her huge doe eyes made me want to spill all of my life stories on the table in one go, i wanted to but i knew, i knew i shouldnt. The words were forming on my tongue, I was about to blurt out my biggest darkest secret. This was it, someone would finally know where it all went wrong. Whats haunted me for years and years.

  Yet everytime i started to speak I found myself stopping and with that I shut her down it was easier to block her out, stop her asking questions because right now, i wasn't ready to give her the answers. I walked away before I even gave her a chance to speak, I felt rotten for it but i needed to protect her, I was doing this for her, i told myself. When in fact I was probably doing it for me, I never wanted her to change the way she looked at me, the less she knew the better.

  After a week of no showers, waking up in the street and a lack of any self care, shave, shower and some decent sleep was what I needed. Time to relax, I managed to shower shave and sleep for a decent 8 hours before I woke up to the smell of cooking. Dam this girl knows the way to my heart. Even after I had treated her so poorly this week she still was making the effort to cook. Propping myself up on the end of the bed , ready to make my way to the kitchen where i could hear her softly singing away, i was shocked to find Dodger at the bottom of my feet. He must of kept me company whilst I slept, interesting, so he does like me, the tail wagging once i was awake must have given it away.

  I quietly made my way to the kitchen and wow,once my eyes caught what she was doing, I just couldn't stop watching. There she was hair all tied up , which was rare id worked out that she doesn't like to show her face. Singing over the stove whilst she stirred what I'm assuming is Bolognese , due to the tomatoes splattered all across the side and her white shirt, which might be my white shirt had food marks scattered all over. I chuckled in thought, She really needs some clothes of her own. Her hips slowly swaying to the sound of the music , she looked so beautiful in her own little world, making a mess and cooking food which smelt amazing.

  There was Something so raw about watching someone who is unaware they’re being watched, there's no vulnerability in her actions and dam that is sexy.

  Before i got too lost in anything sinister in my head, she noticed me leaning against the counter, watching her like prey. “ Put your tongue back in your mouth, you” wow, she was feeling sassy, it suited her. I couldn't help but laugh as it caught me off guard. “ I’ve set up the dining room , go sit in there , i've got a surprise for you” a surprise for me. Now what could this be, like an excited teenage boy i swiftly made my way to the dining room and I did as I was told by this newly confident redhead that was swinging her gorgeous hips round my kitchen.

  Have you ever been stuck in a moment, where you have questioned whether you are truly awake or if your dreaming? Life becomes so intense in a moment that you questioning whether your in reality but the moment is so captivating you don't want it to stop? I literally felt like i’d woken up in a parallel universe, because when she walked into that dining room i felt my body tighten and i couldn't believe my eyes. I truly felt like i was in some racy dream. Because there she stood , in 6 inch high black heels, stockings up to her mid thigh attached to emerald green suspenders which matched her bra. Her loose curls gently resting on her chest. Dam i’d never seen a view more captivating, my hunger has grown but my appetite wasn't on food anymore, i was ravenous for her. I wanted to pounce on her, but she beat me to the punchline. Her leg glided across my body as she straddled my lap, the electricity from her touch pulsating through my body. She was taking it slow gliding her tongue up my neck seductively teasing me with kisses as she lightly nibble my ear. She took a bowl of food, me blissfully unaware what she was doing , because my mind was not caring at all about the food, i sat back and continued to wait on her every move, she seductively dipped her finger into my bowl slowly sucked the sauce of her finger. I felt her moan “delicious” under her breath. The teasing was getting too much, the heat was rising between us both, she had been in control but i just couldn't help myself any longer. This had been building for so long, the tension boiling and as soon as she sucked that sauce of her own finger i knew i wouldn't be able to control myself for much longer . Who would be able to control themselves with a sight so fucking gorgeous. That's it, I can't hold back anymore , I lunged forward my lips entwining wither hers. Within seconds the seductive teasing had turned into uncontrollable passion, it was raw and hot. As my hand frantically explored every inch of her skin, I heard the heavy panting of her breath hitch as her body begged for more. She lifted herself off of my lap and onto the dining room table , pushing all the food she had just made onto the floor much to Dodgers delight. As my lips made there way down her stomach, my teeth gently tugging on her delicate skin. Her mind was completely unable to process the pleasure she was so intensely experiencing and With that she surrendered all control she wrapped her legs around my waist and I carried her to the bedroom. I know the passion was intense an i could of taken her right here on this dining room table but i’d been wanting to do this for so long, i wanted to make sure i did it in the right way, she's not just a quick fuck , she’s a lot more.

  The night had got intense quickly and although i made sure we started in the bedroom we somehow had ended up slumped in a naked hot mess in front of the fire on the living room floor. Her head rest on my chest as we watched the sun beginning to rise along the seashore. Her soft fingertips tracing over my tattoos as i gently caressed her hair.Considering my life was falling apart it had honestly never felt more perfect than in this moment right noe. I embraced every part of her, the subtlety in her touch , the new found confidence and the vulnerability in her eyes, I held her closer to my chest
as she slowly drifted off to sleep in my arms. As i was slowly nodding of to sleep myself with a perfect view and the most perfect girl in my arms. The whisper of her voice took me by surprise “ Orion are you awake?” I turned to her deep hazel eyes nodding in response “ I know you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but how about we go away for a few days? Getaway from whatevers causing you trouble. Would you like that?” yet again this girl surprises me, we have just had the most mind blowing sex i’ve ever had, we are curled up in each others arms and yet this girl is still putting me first. I placed my lips on her forehead and said “ As Long as i'm with you Red , everything's going to be okay”

  April

  I have had enough of treading on eggshells. The tension had been building ever since the moment I met him, yeah, not whilst he was chasing me in his car but from the moment I woke up to his head in my lap in hospital. That was the moment when it all changed. Since this morning when he completely cut me off when i was trying to show my support, that was it. I needed to do something to get through to this guy. He had been off the rails all week and then he just comes in, with them gorgeous eyes and i forget all my worries and instantly i want to feel his stubble gliding across my skin as his lips meet mine, my mouth salivates at the thought of his touch.

  Whilst he slept i took his Jeep into town, well he did say treat this place like its your own what's mine is yours etc. So fuck it, i want what's mine and boy is he going to know it.

  Arriving in town I had found this sudden confidence, the feeling of freedom. I had no worries at all, I was a woman on a mission. Belle’s Boutique was this French boudoir lingerie shop , tucked down the side of a fancy Jewellers. I noticed it the first day I came into town, looked inviting but i would never of dreamed of stepping into a place like this a month ago. The drop dead gorgeous shop assistant noticed I was completely out of my comfort zone as soon as I stepped my foot inside the doorway. Minutes ago I knew what I was coming in for, as soon as I stepped in the door that all flew out the window, I had no idea what I was doing. The one thing I did know was that I wanted to look like fire tonight, i wanted to see his jaw drop to the floor the minute he laid his eyes on me.