With All My Love

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘I’d say so. He’s just getting dressed. He won’t be long.’

  ‘I’m dying to see the baby again – isn’t she a little doll?’ Lisa bustled around the kitchen, getting cups and putting a selection of cakes on a plate.

  ‘Is she putting the longing on you?’ Tessa smiled.

  ‘A bit,’ Lisa admitted. ‘But we want to have another while to ourselves to enjoy being married.’

  ‘That’s a good plan,’ Tessa said. ‘Once children come the relationship changes and you never have the time for each other that you would like.’

  ‘You and Dad don’t do too bad,’ Lisa said.

  ‘No, we don’t do too bad at all,’ Tessa agreed, wondering what her daughter would think if she’d seen them ten minutes ago. Children never thought their parents had sex, she thought with a grin. Lorcan was right, they could give the young ones a run for their money. She should stop whining about getting old, try to get along with Valerie, and make the most of what she had.

  The sound of tyres crunching on gravel made Lisa look out the window. ‘Here’s Jeff and Valerie,’ she said.

  Tessa felt a little knot in her stomach. Today had been such a good day so far it would be a shame to let bad feeling ruin it. She took a deep breath and went to the back door. ‘Hello and welcome,’ she called.

  ‘Hello, Tessa,’ Carmel said politely. The last time she had been in this house it had been to decide her daughter’s future. She wouldn’t have minded if she’d never set foot in it again but she wouldn’t let Valerie down. ‘Are we the first to arrive?’

  ‘I’m glad you’re here before the others. That’s why I said to Jeff to come a bit early. We can all have a cup of tea and a chat before the hordes descend,’ Tessa said lightly, as Valerie came to the door carrying Briony. ‘Good Lord, look at the size of her!’ she exclaimed. ‘Valerie, she looks wonderful. Isn’t she growing at a great rate?’ She couldn’t believe the difference a few weeks had made. Briony was holding her head straight and looking around with interest, and she’d completely lost the helpless tiny baby look.

  ‘Would you like to hold her?’ Valerie offered, earning a look of approval from Jeff.

  ‘Would I what?’ Tessa held out her arms for her grandchild. ‘Help yourselves. Jeff, make a pot of fresh tea, I’m busy,’ she said delightedly, cooing at her grandchild. ‘Isn’t the time flying?’ she said as Valerie and Carmel sat at the table and Lisa offered them some of the cream cakes she’d made.

  ‘I was pregnant this time last year.’ Valerie took a bite out of an éclair.

  ‘And now look at you.’ Lisa smiled at her. ‘A gorgeous baby and your figure back to normal. You look terrific, Valerie,’ she said admiringly. ‘I love your outfit.’

  ‘I got it in A|Wear,’ Valerie said, pleased with Lisa’s compliment. She liked Jeff’s older sister. She was friendly and good-natured, and she loved the baby.

  ‘Love the shoulder pads,’ Lisa said admiringly. Valerie was wearing a pair of black trousers and a black silk cami top with a vibrant purple silk wrap-around jacket. It was a very glamorous look, very Princess Diana, but she was glad she’d worn it when she saw how elegant Tessa was. Jeff had told her that she looked ‘a million dollars’. She wanted to look her best and she’d left Jeff minding the baby one Saturday while she and Lizzie had spent ages looking for the right outfit.

  ‘Hello, all, and welcome.’ Lorcan came into the kitchen, dressed in smart grey trousers and a black shirt opened at the neck. His face lit up when he saw Briony. ‘Isn’t she a little beauty?’ he declared proudly, and laughed when she gurgled up at him, giving him a huge toothless grin. ‘Ah-ha, that’s the old Egan charm at work.’ He smiled at Valerie. ‘How are you, Valerie?’

  ‘I’m fine thanks, Lorcan.’

  ‘Settled in back at work?’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose. It’s always a bit of a wrench leaving her with the child-minder.’ She made a face.

  ‘I’m sure it is. But at least she’s thriving,’ he said kindly.

  ‘She loves her grub, loves her mashed banana and her potatoes and carrot,’ Jeff said proudly, delighted with the fuss that was being made of his daughter.

  ‘Well then, she’s her father’s daughter.’ Tessa laughed. ‘You couldn’t wait for your solids.’

  ‘And I can’t wait for my solids now. I see you made a pot of chowder. Thanks, Ma, you’re the best.’ He kissed the top of her head.

  ‘I know it’s your favourite, and this is your party, so of course I did.’ Tessa gave the baby to Lisa, who was waiting patiently for her turn to hold her. ‘Get a bit of practice in,’ she joked light-heartedly, and they all laughed.

  Tessa smiled up at Lorcan, and began to relax. She felt a moment of contentment and happiness. She caught Valerie’s gaze. For once there was no hostility or defensiveness mirrored there. Jeff was handing her a cup of tea, and then he had dropped an arm around her shoulder and Tessa thought with a little pang, I think he does love her. Maybe in time they are the ones for each other. Then she remembered Lorcan’s admonition . . . ‘let him go’.

  This was the ideal opportunity to start afresh, she knew that. It was the right thing to do. Tessa held out the olive branch. ‘I hope you enjoy our little celebration, Valerie. We really want to introduce Briony to the extended family who haven’t seen her yet, and, of course, celebrate Jeff’s exam results. I do know you supported him greatly in his studies so thanks to you for that.’ She made her little speech as Lorcan’s hand tightened on her shoulder.

  ‘I’d second that. This evening is a joyful celebration for both our families, who are now joined together by this darling little girl, and I hope you and Carmel enjoy the party very much,’ he said, smiling at Carmel.

  ‘Enough of the speeches, I want my chowder.’ Jeff lightened the moment as everyone turned to look at Valerie.

  She turned bright pink. She knew Tessa had given her an unexpected opportunity for a new beginning in their relationship. She looked at her daughter being cosseted and cherished by Jeff’s family and was glad of it. Lizzie’s words came back to her. ‘You and Jeff are in this together. You’re Briony’s parents. She’s your child. Don’t use her as a weapon . . . Life is hard, and you and Briony are going to need all the help you can get. Don’t cut yourself and her off from a family who are willing to be supportive and hands on. You don’t know what’s coming down the tracks in the future and it’s good to have people in your camp.’

  It wasn’t all about her any more. It never would be again, and if Tessa could make an effort so could she. She took a deep breath. ‘Um . . . thanks very much, Lorcan and Tessa. Mam and I are delighted to be here with Briony. And it’s lovely that you are all making such a fuss of us. Jeff and I are very grateful for all the support we’ve been given. Briony is a very lucky little girl.’

  ‘To Briony,’ said Jeff exuberantly.

  ‘And to Valerie and Jeff,’ said Lorcan.

  Amid laughter and warbles from Briony, teacups were raised in toast to the trio, as the doorbell rang and the guests began to arrive to join in the celebrations.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Tessa and Lorcan’s party had been a fresh start, very much so, Valerie remembered, lying in the dark unable to sleep in her bed in Spain, as the torrents of memories flooded through her. From the night of that party, up until Jeff’s death four years later, she had been relatively happy, she acknowledged with surprise. It was always that way: you never realized that you were actually happy during stages of your life until you looked back.

  The only real sadness had been Lizzie’s leaving the following spring, a week after Briony’s first birthday. That had been hard. Almost as painful as a bereavement.

  Even to this day Valerie could still remember the wretchedness of their parting. She had left Jeff minding Briony and had driven to the airport to meet up with Lizzie and Dara and their families. They’d all gone for a drink in one of the airport lounges, after Lizzie and Dara had checked in, and laughed and chatted and kept up a faça
de for their sakes, but when it was time to go, she and Lizzie had held each other tightly, wordlessly, until Dara had said gently, ‘We really have to go, hon.’ Watching her best friend disappear through customs, in tears, had been one of the worst moments of her life and she had felt utterly bereft. Valerie had managed to leave the airport without disgracing herself but when she’d got to the privacy of her car she’d cried like a baby all the way home. She had never missed anyone in her life the way she’d missed Lizzie those first few months, all those years ago.

  Valerie got out of bed and padded silently into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. There was no sound from Briony or Katie’s rooms and she hoped her daughter was sleeping. She might feel better in the morning and have calmed down.

  She took her tea and a biscuit and went back to bed. There, she picked up the photo album and flipped the pages until she came to Lizzie’s wedding. Valerie smiled looking at the photo of Lizzie and herself: Lizzie radiant in a classy white satin boat-necked gown with a veil dropping from her chignon, and Valerie in an aquamarine taffeta silk bridesmaid’s dress. Each smiling brightly for the camera but holding hands tightly, knowing that they were soon to be parted. They had seen each other nearly every day of their lives since they’d met and become the best of friends in primary school when they were five. There was nothing they didn’t know about each other.

  It had been a great wedding, Valerie remembered, flicking through the photos. She had tried her hardest not to be envious of her friend. As she watched Dara place the ring on Lizzie’s finger she wondered if Jeff would ever put a wedding ring on hers. Even now, all these years later, she couldn’t help wondering if he had lived whether they would have married. They had been happy living together, for the most part, and one thing that had given her great comfort and sustained her in her darkest hours was that Jeff had been a wonderful father. He loved Briony with all his heart. He was involved in every aspect of her life, and until the day he died she had been the centre of his universe.

  A photo of Jeff holding Briony, with his arm around Valerie’s shoulder, outside the church was one that she’d had copied and framed. Briony’s new front teeth were on show in a big grin that dominated the photo. Jeff looked so handsome in his suit and tie, his brown eyes crinkling in a smile that still tugged at her heart even now as she looked at it. She had given the framed photo to Briony years ago and she wondered if her daughter still had it.

  Another photo of Lizzie and herself with Mrs Maguire caught her attention. Mrs Maguire had had a ball at the wedding, thrilled to be invited, along with her daughter. She had thoroughly enjoyed herself and got quite tipsy to boot. Valerie chuckled, remembering how their landlady had said to the two of them at one stage when they were chatting, ‘Could you tell me now, gels, what are these plutonic relationships between men and women that I’ve been hearing about?’

  ‘Platonic, I think,’ corrected Lizzie, winking at Valerie.

  ‘No, plutonic, deah, plutonic,’ Mrs M insisted resolutely.

  ‘I think it’s when a man and woman are just friends and there’s no . . . er, romance or stuff like that,’ explained Lizzie.

  Aha . . . I see. No riding to hounds.’ Mrs M nodded wisely.

  ‘Exactly!’ Lizzie agreed with a straight face, while Valerie tried not to laugh.

  ‘Ah, yes, well, I’ve plenty of them, unfortunately. Wouldn’t mind a bit of hound riding, though. I can safely say the pair of you aren’t very plutonic with your chaps,’ she tittered before tottering off on her spindly heels to get another G&T, her wide-brimmed pink hat with the big bow bobbing and dipping tremulously with every step.

  How she and Lizzie had snorted with laughter, holding each other up. ‘She’s priceless. I love her dearly. I’ll miss her so much.’ Lizzie wiped her eyes.

  ‘Stop. Don’t talk about it,’ Valerie warned as the familiar ache of dread and sadness took hold.

  She had sobbed inconsolably when Lizzie had thrown her bouquet at her, and made her way with Dara through the archway formed by family and friends to the waiting car to head off to Malta on her honeymoon.

  Jeff had taken her outside and put his arms around her and she had cried into his shoulder, drenching his shirt with tears. ‘You still have me and Briony,’ he comforted her. ‘And we’ll be able to go and visit them in London. And I’ll be moving into the flat so you won’t be too lonely,’ he reminded her.

  That was the saving grace of the upheaval. Jeff had moved in the week after Lizzie moved out, and having him there helped take the ache of loneliness away. Those early years of Briony’s life were the happiest times of her own. If she had been married to Jeff it would have been perfect. But he hadn’t been keen to marry until they were on a better footing financially and able to buy their own house. She could never erase the secret fear that that was his excuse to avoid marrying her and that one day he’d leave her and find someone new, even though he would always be a good father to Briony.

  But that apart, when she’d told him that Lizzie was going to live in London in the next six months, he’d jumped at the idea of living in the flat with her and Briony, and that had given her great joy. They had had ups and downs, of course, settling into living together, and sometimes she had felt as though she was giving much more to their relationship than Jeff was. Being a working mother was hard, especially when Briony had begun teething and was often fretful and out of sorts. The nights of interrupted sleep took their toll. Sometimes she felt she was in a permanent state of exhaustion. Valerie sighed, remembering one particularly fraught weekend when she and Jeff had planned to go to a friend’s twenty-first party. They had been so looking forward to it and she had been thrilled that she could fit into her favourite jeans again. She’d bought a new off-the-shoulder lacy top and had got her hair cut and styled. She was feeling glamorous and stylish for the first time in ages. A babysitter was lined up, one of Mrs Maguire’s grandchildren, and Valerie had been fizzing with anticipation for her night out with Jeff. Briony had been grizzly, her cheeks roaring red, dribbling a river onto her bib, and Valerie’s heart sank as she felt the heat radiating from her. She slipped the thermometer under her arm and saw with dismay that her daughter had a fever.

  ‘Ah, she’ll be grand. Can’t you give her some of the Calpol stuff?’ Jeff said in desperation, seeing his chance for his eagerly awaited night out in danger. But Briony had got more distressed and had howled in pain as the sharp edge of her new tooth pushed its way up through her gums.

  The babysitter arrived as Valerie was pacing up and down trying to soothe her daughter while Jeff waited with ill-concealed impatience for her to get her coat and bag. Without warning Briony upchucked over Valerie’s new top, her howls rising to a crescendo of pain and indignation.

  ‘I can’t leave her,’ she had said resignedly. ‘I’ll have to stay put. Sorry, Maria,’ she turned to her babysitter, ‘I’ll have to cancel.’

  ‘No worries. I can meet up with friends in town. I hope Briony will be OK,’ she said kindly. Valerie watched her go and envied Maria her freedom.

  ‘I’ll stay too.’ Jeff’s disappointment was palpable. He’d pulled off his leather jacket and flung it over the banisters.

  ‘You might as well go. There’s no point in the two of us missing the party.’ Valerie had felt she should give him an out.

  Jeff had taken it eagerly. He’d grabbed his jacket. ‘Are you sure? I’ll stay if you want,’ he offered halfheartedly.

  ‘No, go on, it’s OK.’ She took Briony into the bathroom to take off her soiled babygrow, seething with resentment as she heard Jeff say, ‘Thanks, Val, I won’t be too late,’ before taking the stairs two at a time.

  By 2 a.m. Valerie was in a state of rampant indignation lying tense in the bed, Briony dozing beside her, as she silently railed at Jeff’s selfishness and lack of consideration. He was so self-centred and inconsiderate. Briony was his child too. He should have known she hadn’t really meant it when she’d told him he could go to the party. If he had any decency
in him he would have stayed with her to mind their daughter. When he arrived home after four, wafting alcohol fumes, she could have strangled him.

  ‘You can sleep on the sofa,’ she had hissed when he’d sat down heavily on the side of the bed to take his shoes off. ‘I’m not listening to you snoring in a drunken stupor for the rest of the night.’

  ‘I’m not that drunk,’ he’d protested.

  ‘I mean it,’ she’d retorted grimly, and he’d taken his pillows and sloped off into the sitting room, and minutes later she’d heard him snoring his head off.

  ‘He’s a man – what do you expect?’ one of the girls at work had joshed the following Monday morning at tea break when they’d been discussing their respective weekends.

  ‘You think that’s bad. My chap went on a stag night and left me with a baby with measles, and I had to entertain his parents, who were staying for the weekend, and he didn’t come home until midday the following day!’

  ‘And my husband . . .’ another woman had interjected, beginning another tale of bad behaviour. Valerie felt a sense of kinship with her colleagues as their tales took the sting out of Jeff’s night out. She had got over her huff, realizing that men were indeed a different species, as one of her colleagues had pointed out, and that being a mother meant she would never be able to plan a night out without factoring in some potential hiccup, for many years to come.

  The novelty of living with Jeff, of having her dinner with him when he came up from Rockland’s after a day’s fishing, and eating breakfast with him in the mornings, had been all she’d ever dreamed off. Bathing Briony with him, and putting her to bed, and then being able to sit together and watch TV and share a bottle of wine was such a treat. Best of all was falling onto the double-sized mattress that Mrs Maguire had graciously allowed them to place on top of the divans, and making love. This all helped her make her adjustments to motherhood and cohabiting. But most of all living with Jeff soothed the pain of Lizzie’s departure. She missed her friend dearly and the weekly phone calls on Sunday night were treasured by both of them.