With All My Love

by Patricia Scanlan

  Actually she did feel quite peckish, Briony thought, glad the queasy feeling was gone. She made up a platter, buttered a crusty roll, poured herself a glass of milk and carried the repast to the table on the terrace. After she had eaten it she would change into her bikini and stretch out on a lounger with her book. She might as well make the most of her few hours of peace and quiet. And tonight, after Katie was in bed, she would take her husband’s advice and have a long discussion with her mother and get her side of the story before deciding on her course of action.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  She couldn’t be more nervous, Valerie thought wryly as butterflies danced a foxtrot up and down her diaphragm. The table on the terrace was set for a light supper. The salmon was poached and the Caesar salad tossed and waiting its dressing. The wine was chilling in the fridge. It was nine forty-five and she was waiting for Briony to join her. But her daughter was fast asleep on Katie’s bed; the illustrated storybook she’d been reading aloud had slipped out of her hand onto the floor. Valerie was reluctant to wake her up. Her daughter was clearly catching up on much-needed sleep. She’d clattered a few pots in the kitchen, but so far there was no sign of her waking up.

  She could do with a good long sleep herself, Valerie thought glumly. But when she and Katie had come home from the beach late that afternoon, Briony had a tasty macaroni cheese and baked potatoes waiting for them and as they carried the dishes outside, she had said quietly that when Katie was in bed she would like to hear Valerie’s side of the story.

  Bedtime seemed to have taken for ever. Katie had had to have a bath and get her hair washed after her day on the beach. Then her hair had to be dried and a story had to be read. By then, Valerie’s nerves were frayed, to say the least.

  What would her daughter make of the unhappy, fraught saga of her relationship with Tessa? Would she be at all sympathetic? Would she understand how crushed she had been that Jeff had not married her? Even though her own mother had sided with Tessa, it was Tessa she blamed most for Jeff’s decision to back out of marrying her. Tessa made her give up the chance to have Briony born in wedlock. Valerie could still remember to this day, Tessa staring at her saying, ‘The best thing Jeff can do for you and the baby is get his qualification, and I know if you love him you won’t stand in his way.’

  Tessa had backed her into a corner good and proper. Briony could have been Briony Egan! And she could have been Jeff’s wife. Mrs Jeffery Egan. He was the love of her life and he was the man she would have given anything to marry.

  Valerie sighed; even all these years later she would still love to have been Jeff’s wife. She had nearly married another man some years back. She had met Laurence Richmond at a party in Lizzie and Dara’s home and there had been an instant attraction. He was a successful businessman, ten years older than she, divorced with two adult children. He lived in an elegant penthouse apartment overlooking the Thames just below Vauxhall Bridge. With Briony working and in a relationship with her husband-to-be, Valerie had felt free to begin a romance with the London businessman and it had been a happy time in her life, rediscovering the pleasure of having a companion, being desired and made to feel sexy and attractive. After wooing her for three years, Laurence had asked her to marry him. She was tempted. She got on very well with him, they had similar tastes in literature, food, the arts, and they made each other laugh. It would be nice not to have to work to support herself any more, and she would have had an affluent lifestyle, but Laurence had a roving eye. Even when she was out with him he would flirt light-heartedly with other women, and Valerie knew that fidelity would be difficult for him. And she couldn’t live with him knowing that he would eventually succumb to the lure of a younger woman. No matter how discreet he was, she would not be able to hack it. His first wife had divorced him because of his adultery. Much as she cared for him and enjoyed being with him, Valerie knew he would not change. She had turned him down, and ended their relationship two months later when she’d caught him in a lusty embrace with one of his daughter’s friends.

  If she’d married Laurence, would she still feel as bitter towards Tessa, she mused. When Briony quizzed her tonight she would do her utmost to be fair to Jeff’s mother, because it was highly likely that Briony would seek her out, and if she laid it on too thick it could rebound on her. Tessa would want her side of the story told too.

  ‘I fell asleep. Sorry.’ Briony padded out onto the terrace, bleary-eyed, startling her.

  ‘It’s OK. I often used to do the same when you were that age,’ Valerie replied, standing up to go and serve their supper. She felt awkward now that they didn’t have Katie to focus their attention on. It was just her and her daughter now, time for the truth to be revealed, whatever the outcome.

  ‘Wine?’ she asked lightly, carrying the salmon and salad to the table.

  ‘Um . . . maybe I’ll just have some tonic water.’ Briony pulled out the two chairs.

  ‘Maybe I’ll just have tonic too then,’ Valerie said, disappointed. A couple of glasses of wine might have taken the edge off the situation.

  ‘Have a glass, Mom, if you want. I still feel slightly queasy and the tonic water might help,’ Briony said, knowing that Valerie had never liked drinking alone. Her mother always enjoyed having a drink when she had company in the house in Dublin or out here in Spain.

  ‘Maybe I will,’ Valerie said, feeling the need for alcohol to get her through the ordeal ahead. She had just uncorked the bottle when the doorbell rang. It was late – 10 p.m. – who could be at her door? She knew her neighbours to say hello to, she had a few friends along the coast, but she wasn’t expecting anyone to call.

  She peered out through the spy hole in the door and couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘Lizzie!’ she exclaimed joyfully, opening the door to find her best friend beaming at her, as a taxi swung around and disappeared into the night.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ She hugged her tightly as Briony came in to bring out the Marie Rose sauce that Valerie had forgotten.

  ‘Lizzie!’ she exclaimed, a smile crossing her pale face when she caught sight of her godmother. ‘What are you doing here?’ She echoed her mother’s question.

  ‘I’m brokering a UN ceasefire, but first I need food. I’m starving!‘ Lizzie grinned. ‘I raced home from work and Dara drove me to the airport and I just couldn’t face one of those cardboard panini they serve on the flight. Feed me anything, girls, and I wouldn’t say no to a glass of something either. Here’s a bottle of bubbly – stick it in the fridge to chill for when we have a cessation of hostilities. Now kiss me, godchild.’ She put her arms around Briony and hugged her tightly. ‘Right, I’m on three days’ R & R. Let me get out of my shoes, and plonk my ass on a chair, you can dance attendance on me tonight and I’ll muck in tomorrow and help out.’

  Lizzie kicked her shoes off, went out onto the terrace and stood inhaling the scented night air. ‘Bliss! Oh, and I’m just in time for supper,’ she exclaimed seeing the table all set. ‘Have you enough for an extra mouth?’

  ‘We’ve plenty. I’ll plate it up in a jiff y,’ Valerie said excitedly. She was thrilled to see Lizzie.

  ‘A feast,’ declared Lizzie, happily.

  The evening took on a whole new energy with Lizzie wisecracking and joking through their meal, and for the first time since Briony had discovered Tessa’s letter, she and Valerie declared an unspoken truce.

  ‘What did Rachel say when she heard you were coming?’ Valerie grinned as she offered Lizzie some crackers and cheese after their meal.

  ‘Couldn’t believe her luck,’ Lizzie said drily. ‘She really is being so bolshy these days. But it’s only with me. She spent the last two weeks of August in Rockland’s and had a great time with Mam and Dad, and they said she was a joy to be with. I ask you.’

  ‘Briony went through her bolshy phase too. It will pass,’ Valerie assured her.

  ‘Sadly for me I was never able to spend two weeks in Rockland’s with my grandparents.’ Briony glowered at her mother. ‘Than
ks to Mom, I never got to spend any time with them after she took me away from there.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, Briony. You don’t know what it was like,’ Valerie said wearily. The convivial atmosphere changed in an instant and tension crackled around the table.

  ‘Well, what was it like, Mom? Just tell me and let me make up my own mind.’

  ‘Should I leave you to it?’ Lizzie stood up.

  Valerie looked at Briony. ‘Do you want to do this on our own or are you happy for Lizzie to stay?’

  ‘Don’t put her in an awkward position, Val. I’ll go inside and channel-surf.’ Lizzie refilled her glass and made to go inside but Briony caught her arm.

  ‘Please stay, Lizzie. Just promise me you won’t take sides.’

  ‘I won’t, Briony, but I lived through it all with your mom, don’t forget that. It’s not to say that I agreed with every decision she made, though,’ Lizzie reminded her, lowering herself into the chair again and taking a slug of wine.

  ‘So? Why did you and Gramma hate each other so much?’ Briony turned to her mother. ‘Why did you tell me that she didn’t want to see us any more?’

  Valerie dropped her hands into her lap and sat up very straight. ‘Hate is a very strong word, Briony, and yes, when your father died I suppose we did hate each other, but to go back to the beginning in so far as it concerns you, I suppose it would be fair to say that Tessa and I never really liked each other from the first time we met. I felt she smothered Jeff and made a mammy’s boy of him and she interfered too much in his life. And she felt I wanted to steal him from her. He was her younger son and her favourite child. Lorcan himself told me that. She saw me as a threat, and then I did the unthinkable and the unacceptable: I got pregnant and it all went downhill from there . . .’

  Briony listened to her mother telling what it was like when she’d discovered that she was pregnant, and tried hard to imagine herself in her shoes.

  ‘But how come Granddad Harris and Granddad Egan wanted you to get married and the grandmothers didn’t?’ she asked, surprised when Valerie described the family summit in Tessa and Lorcan’s sitting room.

  ‘You have to understand that being an unmarried mother in the early eighties carried a stigma and brought shame on families. We were judged by the Church and society.’ Valerie tried not to let the old hurts take hold as she explained.

  ‘Young women of your generation really have no conception of what it was like for us and, bad as it was then, it was a thousand times worse for your grandmothers. There was no such thing as contraception for them. The Church really interfered in women’s personal lives. It was outrageous when you look back at it,’ Lizzie interjected. ‘And when your mom and I joined the civil service there was what was known as “the Marriage Bar”. You had to give up work if you got married. I was able to claim the marriage gratuity by resigning, and that did help when Dara and I moved to London, but neither female emancipation nor women’s lib was very much a part of our lives, and your generation and indeed ours, owe a great debt to some very courageous and dedicated women.’

  ‘Yeah, remember when all the women went up to the North on the train to buy contraceptives and were in danger of being arrested when they got back to Amiens Street?’ Valerie grinned. ‘And women weren’t allowed on jury service until 1986. Lizzie’s right, you young women take so much for granted now. You’ve never known any different. No one bats an eyelid now when girls get pregnant outside of marriage, and you can buy contraceptives in supermarkets. Unheard of in our day.’

  ‘Stop saying things like that,’ groaned Lizzie. ‘You’re making me feel so old. Our mothers used to say “in our day”!’

  ‘Sorry. I suppose when you think of it, Mam and Tessa were our age now when I got pregnant.’

  ‘You make Tessa sound so formidable, but when she minded me, she was very kind to me.’ Briony nibbled on a cracker, still finding it difficult to understand how Valerie could cut all ties with her father’s family.

  ‘You were the first grandchild – Jeff’s child – she adored you and so did Lorcan,’ Valerie admitted. ‘She even used to arrive unannounced at the flat to see you. Remember, Lizzie?’ She turned to her friend.

  Lizzie laughed. ‘Poor Tessa, she was besotted with you when you were born, but she was a bit pushy, to say the least. She was always arriving unexpectedly, catching us in our PJs once. We were fairly put out, as I remember. Living in that flat was fun, wasn’t it, Val?’ Lizzie smiled.

  ‘But if Tessa loved me so much why did you leave Rockland’s? Why did you stop me from seeing them?’ Briony demanded. She wanted to get to the bottom of the matter and wasn’t interested in hearing reminiscences about living in the flat.

  ‘Tessa and I had a terrible row the day Jeff died. Both of us were in shock. Both of us said things we could never take back. Bitter, harsh, wounding things. I hated her then, and she hated me. We turned on each other. I told her that it was all her fault that we weren’t married and that it was all her fault that you weren’t legitimate. Tessa wanted to lash out and she did. She told me that Jeff never loved me enough to marry me, she said that he’d told her that—’

  ‘Oh!’ Briony’s hand flew to her mouth.

  ‘I was gutted. Devastated. It was Lorcan who made sure I sat with the family at the funeral. Tessa never said a word to me. Never even looked at me. She didn’t come near me when I went to view his body in their house. She never asked me would I have liked to have had him waked in our house. I couldn’t have really because you were so young, but she never gave me the choice. I had no legal rights. She was his next of kin. I wasn’t even allowed to identify him. And if she had wanted to she could have kept me from seeing him. At least she didn’t go that far.’

  ‘That’s unbelievable,’ Briony murmured, horrified.

  ‘I basically had to give up all rights to Jeff, even though we’d been living together as a family for more than three and a half years.’

  ‘But Dad did love you, didn’t he?’

  ‘I think he did. I hope he did. The week before he died he told me that he loved coming home to us.’ Valerie swallowed the lump that had risen to her throat. ‘I’ll never really know. If he’d proposed I would have been certain of it but he never did and I didn’t force the issue because I wanted it to come from him, not me. But one thing was for sure: he was a wonderful father and you were the light of his life. Not even Tessa could deny that. But she interfered too much in our lives, and knowing her I think she would have continued to interfere.’

  ‘And that was why you moved to Dublin and never let them see me again?’ Briony said sadly.

  ‘It was partly the reason for moving to Dublin, but not all, by any manner or means. I had a lot of pros and cons to weigh up. It would have been difficult doing the commute and leaving you at Mam’s or Tessa’s. We would have been up at the crack of dawn and I wouldn’t have seen you until half six, seven in the evenings. I wanted to spend time with you, especially because Jeff had died. I wanted to give you extra attention and I couldn’t do that if we’d stayed in Rockland’s.’

  ‘But what about poor Lorcan? He was kind to you and me. I can remember him giving me swings and showing me how to fish for shrimps. Couldn’t you have arranged for him to see me?’

  ‘Lorcan was kinder to me than my own father was. It was hard leaving him,’ Valerie confessed. ‘But he had to be loyal to Tessa. He was her husband.’

  ‘Oh Mom, didn’t you even think about me when you made that decision? I’ve lost so much!’ Briony exclaimed, twisting her table napkin agitatedly. ‘It wasn’t just about how you were feeling.’

  ‘I know, I know. I just wanted to get away, and I did want to get my own back on Tessa, I’m ashamed to say. They were the things that drove me. I was in upheaval mentally as well as physically.’ Valerie could hardly meet her daughter’s accusatory gaze.

  ‘So I was a pawn.’

  Valerie stayed silent. Briony was right: she had used her daughter as a weapon, something Lizzie had on
ce warned her against and now she bitterly regretted it.

  ‘Did they ever try to find me?’

  ‘Yes. Tessa pleaded with Mam to give her our address but I’d made Mam promise never to tell her. I know I put her in a very difficult position but she was very loyal to me and even though she didn’t want me to marry Jeff either, she felt Tessa had backed me into a corner by making me make the decision not to get married so that Jeff could complete his studies and exams. She never liked Tessa after that.

  ‘So Gramma gave Gran the letter for me, and you never gave it to me or let on that they loved me and still wanted to see me?’

  ‘We’d made a new life for ourselves in Dublin. You’d started school and settled in and you were happy so I just thought they’d drift out of your consciousness gradually, which they did. It was the easiest route to go,’ Valerie said tiredly. ‘But, in fairness to her, Tessa was nothing if not persistent; she found out where I worked and doorstepped me on one occasion. That really upset me. If she hadn’t done that to me, time might have softened my feelings towards her, but I was so angry with what I saw as her harassment that day that it finished me with her for good.’

  ‘Did you not feel guilty?’ Briony probed, wondering could she have done the same thing to Katie if she was in her mother’s shoes.

  ‘I did at the beginning, of course I did, especially about Lorcan, and if Tessa had just left me alone for a few months things might have been different. Eventually I pushed them to the back of my mind and never allowed myself to think about them. I’ll be honest with you, Briony, until Katie was born I hadn’t thought about Tessa in a long, long time. And then I did start to consider the impact my decision made on all of your lives. I set it aside and told myself that you’d grown up happy and well adjusted. But, especially on this visit and when I’ve been having such fun with Katie, I do realize what I’ve deprived you and Tessa and Lorcan of. If it’s of any comfort I’m not proud of myself and I’m so sorry I didn’t do things differently.’