‘She wants to meet me? She suggested it herself? It wasn’t Lorcan pushing her?’ Valerie was astounded. She had always thought that Tessa would never bend; that she herself would have to make the first move.
‘That’s what she said. Did I think that you would meet her when you were home at Christmas? And let me get this right,’ Briony paused, trying to recollect what Tessa’s exact words were. ‘She said, “I need to talk to your mother. There’s one little matter that has to be cleared up and set to right, and even if it’s only that, I’ll be glad of it.” You could have knocked me down with a feather,’ Briony declared.
‘And what did you say?’
‘I stuttered and stammered for a minute because she caught me off guard, but then I said I’d ask and now I’m asking,’ Briony said. ‘So, Mommy Dearest! What will I tell her? Is it a yes or is it a no? I wonder what little matter she has to clear up with you?’ Briony rubbed her swelling tummy, hoping her new baby would come into a family that was finally united.
‘Oh, Briony,’ groaned Valerie. ‘The thoughts of it will have me in a knot coming home.’
‘I’ll come with you, if you like,’ Briony offered.
‘No! Thanks for the offer, darling, but this is between Tessa and me. If I meet her I want it to be on neutral territory, though. Tell her I’ll meet her in the Botanic Gardens,’ Valerie said decisively. ‘We can fix a time and date that suits her. And let’s get it over and done with before Christmas. I don’t want that hanging over my head. OK?’
‘OK, Mom,’ Briony agreed equably. But Valerie couldn’t see her punching the air and giving a silent Yesssssss!
So now she was committed. Wait until Lizzie heard this news, Valerie thought, sipping a glass of red wine out on the terrace. She had a pashmina around her. The nights were cool now, much cooler than when Briony had stayed last month. The sun was setting closer to Africa than the High Sierras and it wasn’t bright in the mornings until nearer to eight.
What did Tessa have to say to her, Valerie wondered. What matter did Jeff’s mother want sorted? She couldn’t think of anything that would be important after all this time. All Valerie knew was that the sooner the meeting was over the better. She was dreading it and she felt equally sure Tessa was in the same boat.
‘Damn,’ she muttered. She’d been looking forward to going home for Christmas and now this great big dark cloud loomed large on her horizon. Would it have a silver lining?
The Botanic Gardens. That was a good place to meet, Tessa approved after hanging up the phone following Briony’s phone call. She would say nothing to Lorcan yet, she decided. Just in case she changed her mind and cancelled the proposed meeting with the woman who had caused her so much grief in her life. She climbed the stairs to her bedroom, slowly. Her knee always gave her gyp when the rain was coming.
She sat on the side of her bed and opened the drawer on her bedside locker. That drawer needed a good clearing out, she thought glumly, looking at the collection of miscellaneous items that greeted her. A carton of paracetamol, pens, her passport, earrings, buttons, an old Visa bill, half a packet of Polo mints, a tube of KY Jelly and an old mascara wand. What a mess!
She pulled the drawer open a little wider. It was where she knew it would be, right in at the back. She’d put it there fifteen years ago and had never looked for it since. Tessa sighed deeply. This would be one of the biggest ordeals of her life. There was no denying that, but it had to be endured. For Jeff. For Lorcan, Briony and Katie, and this new little baba that was coming. She would do it for them and she would not be found wanting. One meeting might be all there was between her and Valerie but at least she had the satisfaction of knowing that she had made the first move.
Her gaze dropped to a folded page beneath the Visa bill. She pulled it out in idle curiosity, noticing her name written in an elegant script in black ink.
She opened the page and felt a pang of sadness when she saw the prayer written neatly on the page. Olivia Morgan, one of her oldest and dearest friends, had written it out for her. Olivia’s mother had given it to Olivia when she was dying in the hospice.
‘It might help you sometime; it really helped Mam,’ Olivia said as they had walked from the graveyard one Sunday afternoon when each of them had spent an hour tending their respective graves. Olivia knew all about Valerie’s flit to Dublin with Briony, and all that had led up to it. Tessa had taken the prayer and put it in her handbag and shoved it into the drawer that evening, barely glancing at it. She didn’t ‘do’ prayers any more, she’d thought resentfully.
She read it slowly. ‘A Prayer for Healing’. Such strange things were happening to her lately, she mused, looking out at the wild night. That prayer was in her bedside locker for years and she had never bothered to take it out and read it and today when she had made the first move to contact Valerie it had come to her attention. And how apt it was for her situation. It was as though she’d had to wait until now for it to mean anything. The hair stood up on the back of her neck as she read.
Every hurt that has been done to me . . . heal that hurt.
Every hurt that I have ever caused to another person . . . heal that hurt.
I choose to forgive. I ask to be forgiven. Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart Lord, and fill the empty space with Your love.
Thank you, Jesus.
A tsunami of tears flooded down her cheeks as Tessa sat, head bowed over the prayer. ‘I choose to forgive. I ask to be forgiven,’ she wept, repeating it over and over again, feeling the release of an immense sorrow, and a great burden that she had carried for too long.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
God, she’s got old. Still elegant but old, Valerie thought in shock as she stood at the door of the restaurant in the Botanic Gardens and recognized Tessa gazing over towards the Palm House, a cup of coffee in front of her. She was wearing tailored navy trousers and a red boat-neck cashmere jumper. Very on trend, Valerie thought in reluctant admiration. She took a deep breath. Her heart was flip-flopping all over the place. She tried to compose her face as she made her way between the crowded tables to get to where Tessa was sitting. The restaurant had a Christmassy feel, the windowsills decorated with vibrant scarlet poinsettias. A pale wintery lemon sun cast light through the big plate-glass windows, making the wooden décor gleam. There was a convivial buzz about the place and Valerie wondered if she had made a mistake in choosing such a public place for their showdown. Too late now, she thought apprehensively, reaching the window table.
‘Hello, Tessa.’ She couldn’t believe how normal her voice sounded. She’d expected it to come out as a squeak.
‘Valerie.’ Tessa gave a start and half stood up. ‘Thank you for coming.’
‘Thank you for asking me,’ she replied crisply.
‘Can I get you some coffee? Tea? Breakfast?’ Tessa asked politely.
‘Not at all. I’ll go up and get it. Would you like a fresh coffee?’ They were outdoing each other in politeness, Valerie thought with a flicker of humour.
‘coffee would be good. This one’s cold. I forgot to drink it.’ She gave a half-smile.
‘Would you like a scone, a cookie, cake?’ Still the brittle faux politeness. How long could they keep it up? Valerie wondered a little wildly.
‘No, no, nothing for me, thanks. Just coffee will be fine.’
‘I’ll just leave this here.’ Valerie took off her black jacket and draped it over the back of the chair.
Tessa watched the younger woman take her place in the queue. Valerie hadn’t changed much, viewed from a distance – still slender and stylish and well dressed. She was wearing well-cut jeans tucked into high-heeled ankle boots and a pastel mint-green cardigan over a white camisole that showed off her tan. A fresh look. A youthful look for a fifty-year-old woman. She could carry it off, but Tessa had seen the fine web of ageing around Valerie’s eyes and a deepening of the lines around her mouth. There was an aura of sadness about her that she had not expected. The old perky, brash air of confidence h
ad gone. Life’s knocks had hit Valerie hard too, she thought in surprise.
‘Well, this is strange,’ Tessa said bluntly when Valerie was finally seated opposite her, sipping her black coffee.
‘Very,’ agreed Valerie emphatically, replacing the cup on the saucer and staring at her.
‘And difficult,’ Tessa added, a little disconcerted by the other woman’s stare.
‘Very,’ Valerie agreed.
‘Well, it has to be done. It’s only fair on Briony and Katie and the new baby that we try and reconcile our differences.’ Tessa shook a sachet of sugar into her coffee and gave it a vigorous stir.
‘Funny, isn’t it, how mothers so often have to try and do what’s fair for everyone else and have to put their own needs and desires aside,’ Valerie observed.
‘And what would your need and desire be? Not to be having this conversation, I suppose?’ The tart tone that Valerie remembered so well was back.
‘Correct.’ Valerie made no bones about it.
Tessa laughed. ‘Well, at least we can be honest with each other, and that’s a start. I feel exactly the same.’
‘I would have been surprised if you didn’t.’ Valerie felt some of the tension ease. ‘So, Tessa, are you finally going to tell me why you were so vehemently against Jeff and I getting married, even after Jeff got his exams? Is that the matter we have to sort out? If you hadn’t stood in our way Briony would have been an Egan, you realize that, don’t you?’ Valerie tried to keep the edge of bitterness out of her voice.
‘Yes, I realize that, Valerie, I realize it very well. I realize that if I had behaved differently I would have had the comfort of my grandchild’s love all these years,’ Tessa said quietly. ‘But now that you have a grandchild of your own, you surely must admit that what you did, taking her away from us and never getting in touch, was the cruellest thing imaginable.’
‘It didn’t seem so at the time, Tessa. I was devastated. Overwhelmed with grief and shock and terror. I was on my own, Tessa, and for that I blamed you,’ Valerie retorted in a low voice as her anger began to rise.
‘I was pretty devastated too—’
‘You had Lorcan and your other children, and a lot of family support,’ Valerie cut in sharply.
‘We shouldn’t do the blame game, otherwise we’ll be back to square one and this meeting will be pointless.’ Tessa met Valerie’s resentful gaze.
‘I know, but it’s hard, very, very hard, Tessa.’ Valerie felt her composure slipping and tears threatened to spill.
‘For me too, but let’s try and sort it and make some sort of peace over it,’ the older woman said in a kinder tone.
‘Just tell me why you were so against us getting married. Was it because you looked down your nose at my family? Was that it?’ Valerie’s voice shook.
‘Good Lord, no!’ Tessa looked shocked. ‘I liked Carmel. She was a lady. I didn’t know your father too well except for when we had that family meeting, and I understood his feelings, although you might not think I did. And yes, we had words, him and me, but it wasn’t anything to do with your family, really, and I’m sorry if you’ve felt it was all these years.’
‘What was it then, apart from you thinking that Jeff was too young? Or what was it about me that you didn’t like?’ Valerie demanded agitatedly, as all around them the hum of chat and jangle of cutlery against crockery faded into the background.
‘Oh, Valerie, it was complicated.’ Tessa’s face crumpled and she was the one to lose composure as a tear rolled slowly down her cheek. Seeing Jeff’s mother cry shook Valerie more than she could have imagined. Impulsively she reached across the table and laid a hand on the other woman’s forearm.
‘Please don’t cry, Tessa. I’m sorry if I’m brusque. I don’t mean to be. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. If you could just tell me your reasons it might help me put the matter to rest. I know now that I did you and Lorcan and Briony a terrible injustice, cutting off all contact. As you say, having a grandchild of my own has shown me just how awful what I did was. I didn’t realize at the time that it would have such consequences, not that that’s any excuse now,’ Valerie said quietly, hardly able to believe she had said what she’d said. She certainly hadn’t planned to. It must have been Tessa’s tears that had triggered her admission.
‘It was as bad as losing Jeff,’ Tessa gulped. ‘We grieved for that child. I drove up to Dublin many times to where the flat you and Lizzie shared was, and drove around that area hoping against hope that I would see her. I figured you would have moved back to Glasnevin. Every morning that the postman came I prayed for a letter from you, or Briony when she was older. It was a living hell.’
Valerie went pale. ‘I am sorry, Tessa. Very, very sorry.’ She had given so little thought to the consequences of her thoughtless cruel act and now she would have to live with the knowledge that she had added immeasurably to Tessa and Lorcan’s misery. ‘I was so angry with you when Jeff died I just wanted to get away from Rockland’s and from you. And because I was working in Dublin it made sense to move back there. Even if we had been married I would probably have moved back because of the circumstances, but I wouldn’t have stopped you seeing Briony . . .’ She trailed off.
‘It was partly because Jeff was so young,’ Tessa admitted, rooting for a tissue in her bag. ‘He was my youngest and he had his whole life ahead of him, and having a child tied him down like nothing else on earth. Being married, having to get a mortgage when all his friends were off enjoying life unfettered – it was so upsetting for me as a mother to see all his freedom and carefree existence go out the window. It was hard to deal with. But that was only part of the reason. I wanted both of you to be sure that you wanted to be together for life. I didn’t want you, Valerie, to end up like me.’ Tessa’s voice cracked and she lowered her gaze and bent her head to take a sip of coffee.
‘Like you? How do you mean? I don’t understand.’ Valerie was perplexed. What on earth was the woman talking about?
‘No, you don’t. I don’t think there’s many who would.’ Tessa raised her head and looked her straight in the eye. ‘I was the same age as you when I got pregnant out of wedlock. I knew exactly what you and Jeff were going through, believe me,’ she said grimly.
‘Oh!’ Valerie didn’t know what to say. This was the last thing she’d expected to hear.
‘Oh indeed!’ Tessa gave a glimmer of a smile.
‘But surely then you’d have wanted us to get married. You got married,’ Valerie said indignantly.
‘Oh, yes, I did . . . I surely did . . . the classic shotgun wedding.’ She gave a deep heartfelt sigh. ‘And to this day, Valerie, to this day I wonder did Lorcan ever feel I tricked him, or would he have married me if things had been different and he hadn’t been forced to. All my married life I’ve had this underlying fear and it’s an awful thing, believe me. I didn’t want that for Jeff and I didn’t want it for you.’
‘But Lorcan loves you!’ Valerie exclaimed. ‘You and he had a great relationship. Your marriage was so different from my parents’. It was a real marriage.’
‘I know, and yes, I know now that Lorcan loves me, but the thing is, Valerie, he’s a good man. He did the right thing. He did what he had to do. But was it what he wanted to do? Believe me, I’d far prefer to be married to someone who wanted to be married to me and not someone who had to be married to me.’
‘I remember you saying that to me in the hospital—’
‘Valerie, could we just forget that awful episode ever happened?’ Tessa said hastily. ‘I am deeply, deeply ashamed of it, and my behaviour around the time of the funeral.’
‘I was pretty mean myself that day. It was like a nightmare,’ Valerie said, almost weak with relief that they weren’t going to relive that hideous day, with ‘you said’ and ‘I said’. ‘Let’s not talk about that horrendous day. Did you ever stop to think that Lorcan might wonder would you have married him if you hadn’t got pregnant?’
Tessa laughed. ‘Ah, Valerie, Lorcan was ever
y girl’s dream where we grew up. He had his pick of them all.’
‘You’re a very attractive woman yourself and always were, Tessa. He might have been the one wondering,’ Valerie said, astonished at what she was hearing coming out of her mouth. Had she just paid Tessa Egan a compliment?
‘I don’t know about that. What I do know is that I didn’t want there to be any doubt in your mind or Jeff’s, and that was why I was so opposed to you and him getting married. Because he wasn’t ready, Valerie, he told me that himself. I shouldn’t have said that he didn’t love you. That was very wrong of me. He just wasn’t ready. It wasn’t like when Lorcan and I were young. Getting pregnant outside of marriage made you pariahs and your family the talk of the town.’
‘It was still fairly taboo when I got pregnant,’ Valerie interjected. ‘I had a hard enough time too. Nowadays it’s nearly the norm to have the child first and get married later!’ she said with wry humour.
‘I know. How times have changed.’ Tessa nodded. ‘Jeff would have married you straight away if Carmel and I hadn’t argued against it. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I know,’ Valerie said flatly.
‘He was a good boy.’
‘I know that too. So really what you’re telling me is that it wasn’t about us at all, it was all about you and Lorcan,’ Valerie said dejectedly.
‘What?’ Tessa looked askance.
‘It was all because of what you were feeling and your own emotions that you stopped us from getting married.’
‘I . . . I . . . didn’t want either of you to go through what Lorcan and I went through.’
‘But Jeff and I loved each other despite what you want to think,’ Valerie retorted.
‘Do you think you and Jeff would have lasted as a couple if you hadn’t fallen pregnant? Can you honestly say you would have?’ Tessa responded.
With All My Love Page 41