#BirdFlu: Think i just ate a bird with h1n1!!! AAARRRRGGH
#NorthKorea: Kim Jong-un needs a good 18 hour nap #zzzzz #PMAO (=purring my ass off).
2. Merchandise. Shirts, hats, and novelties of all sorts bearing your cat’s likeness and trademarked catchphrases—these are going to be your bread and butter. Don’t waste time getting them out to a hungry public. But do consider your cat’s image when deciding what to shill. Maybe your sweet baby kitten shouldn’t be featured on a shot glass. Or maybe that’s just crazy enough to work. Those college kids love their irony. And their Jägermeister. The truth is, whatever thing you can think of, there’s somebody somewhere who will print your cat’s face on it: pillows, filing cabinets, contraceptive devices, you name it. Find a vendor who will print a small batch and then see what sells.
gigantic floating pen?
whatever the heck this is
pointless thingy
headless abomination torso sheath
3. Public appearances. Crowds can be jarring for animals who tend to hate people. So it’s important to condition your pet to enjoy being around her unwashed masses of fans. Start by appearing briefly at small venues, a Carl’s Jr. or Kiwanis club. Misting adoring fans with fish oil will encourage your cat to interact with them. If all goes well, the two of you can move up to 4-H fairs, car dealerships, and, eventually, boat launches. Don’t be afraid to make outrageous demands of bookers, like a fruit basket WITHOUT GRAPES, or a glass (not plastic!) bottle of organic 2% milk, chilled to no less than 38 degrees. This kind of entitlement will fuel your cat’s celebrity like crazy.
4. Live events. Fashion shows, charity fund-raisers, gallery openings … your cat needs to see and be seen wherever people wear top hats and monocles. Make sure kitty has emptied his bowels and bladder before any outing to avoid red carpet mishaps. (You should do the same.) Invest in a trainer who will teach your kitty to walk slowly and allow the photographers a decent shot. Practice with flashes at home to eliminate the temptation to pounce.
5. Television. It’s imperative that your cat make the talk-show rounds, so get yourself booked on whichever late-night shows mesh well with your cat’s schedule. A friendly e-mail to the program’s talent booker should be all you need to cement an appearance. Just insist that there be no other animal acts, or Jack Hanna, booked on the same night. Then leverage that appearance into a reality series (Nobody’s Purr-fect! A chronicle of one pet’s wacky road to fame!) and/or a guest spot on Law and Order: SVU
6. Charitable causes. It’s about time your cat gave something back, isn’t it? Nothing will cement his popularity like using his celebrity to champion a cherished cause. Kitten trafficking? Anti-declawing? Stricter dog control laws? It doesn’t matter. Raising money and awareness are shrewd career moves. It makes your cat more likable and lends dimension to an otherwise shallow personality.
7. Product endorsements. This may be the sweetest octopus arm of all. Not only does endorsing a product get your feline’s face in front of millions via a massive marketing campaign, you get paid as well! Don’t make the mistake of being too selective. If you’d rather your cat not be associated with hard liquor, firearms, or prescription medications, just do what your favorite celebrities do: endorse potentially embarrassing products in ads that run in only non-English-speaking countries.
8. A book deal. Once you reach a certain level of fame, publishers will flock like vampire bats around a sleeping cow. Don’t settle for the first offer to come along, though. Wait for a bidding war, and ask questions: How much is the advance? How much are the royalties? Demand the rights to all film and related merchandise, as well as editorial control (including cover art). What about the book tour? International rights? What kind of PR plan is in place? Just keep asking questions until you get bored, then take the deal from whoever’s the most obsequious.
9. A movie deal. Let’s be serious. What was the point of writing a book if you don’t want it to be made into a movie? Besides, a movie is just a very long video, and your cat has done plenty of those. However, you must be hard-nosed to hammer out the best deal for your cat, because Hollywood is full of “sharks.” Some tips: Get a summer release. Insist on a big-name director and a budget of at least $20 million. Demand script approval. And hold out for gross points on the back end. Use that exact phrase—you don’t need to know what it means. And don’t let them fool you with net points. Those are worthless.
10. Faking your cat’s death. The world needs to imagine itself without your cat to truly appreciate his greatness. But you must perpetrate this hoax carefully. First, have a trusted third party open some e-mail accounts using a stolen laptop, and then register Twitter accounts under three different pseudonyms, at least one of which should reside in a country outside the continental United States. Next, have one of these “persons” wonder via social media if the “rumors” of your cat’s demise are “true.” Then have a second charlatan confirm the rumor, and have the third do some tortured wailing about the senselessness of the loss. That should really get the tweets and retweets going! Meanwhile, stay silent until your publicist informs you that the news coverage is starting to slip. Then it’s time to let someone glimpse your pet through a curtained window. Most fans will be overjoyed that their beloved idol is alive and well, while a lunatic fringe refuses to believe the evidence (bonus: their conspiracy theories will get your pet some press on slow news days).
My Cat Is an Internet Celebrity—Now What?
If you have followed this book’s advice, you and your cat are now wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your work is over, though. In the words of the Notorious B.I.G.: mo’ money, mo’ problems. In some way, Biggie must have known that his wealth and fame would soon present him with the biggest problem of all, that of the homicide victim. Will your cat face the same fate? Will you? No, and not necessarily. But while building a following, your cat will most certainly attract hordes of losers, all looking for a piece of your carefully realized dream. So it will be your job to pick them off like fleas.
People who claim to be… are actually…
personal trainers drug dealers
nutritionists drug dealers
stylists drug dealers
managers pimps
accountants thieves
acting coaches waiters
But freeloaders and pushers are not the only issues you’ll need to cope with during your cat’s rise to stardom. Here are a few other pitfalls famous kitties must navigate in the high-stakes world of international fame.
Celebrity feuds. Naturally, you and your cat will be tempted to brag about his prowess with the opposite sex, about his money, his opulent lifestyle, and his superiority to other feline performers. This comportment is distasteful and unbecoming to a star. It’s also what got Biggie popped.
Stay humble. If you must make uncharitable comments about another celebrity, choose someone who’s wimpy and dead, like Don Knotts, or on the outs with the general public, like Mel Gibson. If you’re going to kick someone, make sure they’re already down.
Overexposure. Sift through the roles and endorsement offers carefully. It’s tempting to cash in on every dollar you can. And it also makes good business sense. But the public is extremely fickle. In the time it takes to travel from one state fair appearance to the next, your kitty can go from HOT to NOT. Solution: long vacations.
Haters. They’re gonna hate … it’s what they do. So tell yourself and your kitty that those detractors are just broke-ass failures who don’t have famous cats of their own or the ability to acquire any. If your cat seems depressed by the negativity, pet him.
Burnout. It can be frustrating trying to motivate your cat to push harder. You may be tempted to give her amphetamines “just once.” Then pretty soon it’s downers so she can sleep and crack on the weekends as a treat. That’s an expensive way to keep on schedule! You’re much better off to plan all shootings and appearances during the cat’s two or three active hours. Don’t try to
work her ’round the clock, but do get endorsement deals for blankets, pillows, and bedding so she can sleep on the job.
Sibling jealousy. Other pets in your home may feel overlooked as you lavish attention on the superstar kitty. Soon they will ruin your carpets, and eventually a neighbor or relative will write a tell-all about your lousy parenting. Nip this problem in the bud by auctioning off any nonperforming pets. Make winning bidders sign a nondisclosure agreement forbidding them from cashing in on your famous cat’s name.
Tabloid rumors. It’s sad to think that those in your inner circle would stoop to selling stories about your cat to Us Weekly. But tabloids offer large sums for cat dirt. Wild speculation about pregnancies, addiction, and angry outbursts are to be expected. Just remember that any publicity is good publicity, and stick to the foolproof formula that all celebrities and politicians follow: deny, deny, deny, apologize.
Wild speculation about pregnancies, addiction, and angry outbursts are to be expected.
Stalkers. There are crazy people in the world—people who can’t find meaning in personal relationships or successful cat-based careers. They need something to fill the terrible void. Your cat could be that thing—in fact, your entire financial future depends on your cat being that thing. But only as a fantasy. When a lady shows up in your home claiming to be the cat’s wife, that’s going too far. So invest in a solid security force before this happens. Mossad veterans are one option, as is putting old-timey shopkeeper bells on all your doors so nobody can sneak in without your knowledge.
Paparazzi. Relentless paparazzi are a drawback of fame, but they do help keep your cat in the public eye. So make sure your star kitty always looks her best when leaving the house, even if she’s just going next door to poop in the neighbor’s sandbox. You should always dress smartly as well; wear nice slacks at all times.
Catnip addiction. After a long day of shooting, with public appearances, photo ops, and maybe signing some “pawtographs” for her fan club, a cat may have trouble winding down. And before you know it, every day she’s hitting the ol’ ’nip (also known on the street as “flipnip,” “the CN,” “cat-coke,” “purrrrb,” “kitty jane,” and “cracknip”). Keep your pet clean and sober by scheduling sensible workdays, with time for several naps, a healthy diet, and regular exercise to release kitty’s natural endorphins. Reserve the cashizzle for occasional recreational use as permitted by law.
Unwanted pregnancies. Please, people, spay and neuter your pets. Babymommas and babydaddies can take a significant bite out of your cat’s earnings. A single litter can yield eight kittens! That’s a lot of mouths for your cat to feed. And each of those kittens can have kittens of their own in just a few months. Your cat’s amazing genes will spread through the feline population like wildfire, and sooner or later his signature traits will become commonplace and unmarketable. Plus, a sexually active cat is unlikely to get endorsement deals from family-friendly corporations like Disney, Sears, or UnitedHealth Group.
Mental breakdown. Not all cats are cut out for fame. In fact, as a species they’re basically solitary low-key animals. But you wanted to drag the animal into the spotlight, and now there’s a price to pay: your cat’s emotional health. Frankly, it’s your fault, and you should be ashamed. But don’t panic. If the cat was found wandering the streets in a disoriented state or makes a spectacle of himself coughing up hairballs in a public place, your best bet is to blame it on dehydration. Issue an apology and get him out of the public eye. And six to nine months later, his inspirational against-all-odds comeback can begin.
My cat wants to fire me. So your cat wants to retain your personal relationship but would like to cut you out of his business dealings. That is called “pulling a Beyoncé,” and you don’t want to be caught off guard when your cat tries it. Beyoncé’s dad should never have let his daughter marry a mogul like Jay Z. It cost him a child, a career, and a messy federal audit. Luckily, you have an ace in the hole that most parent-managers don’t: Your cat is your legal property. Make sure you can support your claim with adoption records or a bill of sale, plus draw up some ironclad management contracts extending your complete control for the lifetime of the animal.
My cat has an attitude problem. Have you created a diva? Does your cat insist on gold flakes in his litter box or ground-up pearls in her milk? Perhaps you’ve made the mistake of allowing your pet to feel irreplaceable. Solution: Pay a visit to the nearest animal shelter, to show that there are several fine kitties in those cages who would love to step right into your cat’s life.
My cat wants to be emancipated. Does your cat vanish for days at a time, returning with milk on his whiskers and a collar you don’t recognize? Do not allow your bread and butter to go “shopping” for a new family. If you’ve kept your paperwork in order, he has no chance of transferring his affections to some other household where no one will ask him to chase meatballs down the stairs or crawl into a flower pot on a daily basis. If needed, falsify documents to bolster your case.
Where Do My Cat and I Go from Here?
Sooner or later, even a super-successful impresario like yourself will have to admit that only so much can be done with one house cat. By carefully executing the principles outlined in this book, you likely bought yourself a few exhilarating years at the top of the netcat dogpile. And that’s a pretty good ride for a Web star. The dancing banana thought the good times would go on forever, but where is he now? It’s definitely not peanut butter jelly time any longer.
Is it over? In a way, yes. But in another, less factual way, no. For one thing, you can keep recording your cat’s adorable antics and hoard the footage. Sooner or later, the public will be receptive to your cat’s kind of talent once again, and when that happens, you don’t want to get caught with your pants down. In the meantime, release those videos in a slow trickle, and you’ll have enough footage to last well into your golden years. Fact: “Keyboard Cat” was shot in the 1980s but didn’t become a sensation until two decades later. Who knows what wealth could have been accrued if the owner kept shooting and cataloging film? Indeed, cats are a timeless commodity.
Except that eventually even the most loyal fan will sicken of your particular cat. The blog traffic will dwindle; the comments will become half-hearted, even snide. Snide, after all the joy you gave to the world! Well, at least go out with some dignity. Announce your cat’s retirement, plan a two- or three-year goodbye tour, churn out a greatest hits reel and a coffee table book. Maybe start a foundation to fund a small museum dedicated to his career. Bide your time, and in a few years join a golden oldies Web troupe touring college campuses.
And what happens to you now that your cat is spent? Your dreams have been realized, and you can enjoy your well-earned riches and live life in the lap of luxury. Right?
I doubt it. Because you’re a risk taker, and the kind of person who risks everything in the pursuit of cat-video-based wealth is not the kind of person to hold on to that wealth, even if things improbably work out. So I’m guessing you’re hungry for the next challenge, partly because you thrive on adversity and partly because the grocery store won’t extend you any more credit. Am I right? That being the case, let’s close this treatise with some suggestions for your next exciting venture.
Manage a child star. You already know how to handle a short-tempered freak of nature whose brief career depends on superficial cuteness and a modicum of talent. So why not move on to the slightly higher rung on the ladder and work with a child actor? You’ll have to abandon some techniques, like withholding food and making them sleep in a box. But others, like using a spray of water for negative reinforcement, will carry over quite nicely.
How about a goat? As this book goes to press, Google trend reports show a sharp spike in searches for goat videos. Goat searches have even surpassed cat searches, according to some reports. Plus, you can feed them tin cans and socks.
Try a sloth. Once regarded as a dull-witted symbol of laziness, the common sloth is increasingly considered cute, cuddly,
and trendy. Pro: They won’t run off set during a video shoot. Con: They may bite and maul you, albeit very slowly.
Get another cat. After all, why manage just one cat when you could build an entire empire?
eats tin cans
eats leaves
eats your dreams
eats the competition
A Gallery of Stars
The path to fame, glory, and financial independence via the Internet popularity of your cat may sometimes seem out of reach. But dozens of cats have achieved the upper echelon of success by employing the very practices outlined in this book. So whenever you’re feeling defeated, just peruse this hallowed roster of famous feline talent. These cats are true heroes, and should be an inspiration to us all.
SOUPY THE NOODLE CAT
Real name: Tinky
When owner Ben Fritz of Lubbock, Texas, caught his mischievous tabby fishing noodles out of his bowl of chicken soup, his first reaction was, of course, rage. But when he recorded the scene with his smartphone to show to a behavioral therapist, he realized how entertaining a video of a cat covered in egg noodles could be. Since then Soupy the Noodle Cat has starred in over 200 Internet videos (who could forget “Won Ton Screwy”) and recently landed a major endorsement deal with Tabatchnick Frozen Soup Singles.
SARCASTI-CAT
Real name: Clyde
Perhaps you’ve been the recipient of an e-card featuring Sarcasti-cat’s image and one of his trademark sardonic comments: “Yeah … right” or “Smoooooth move, Einstein” or even “Meow. I really mean it this time.” Look for his disdainful face on T-shirts, coffee mugs, and shower curtains everywhere. And watch for Sarcasti-cat’s cameo appearance in the pilot episode of CSI: Pet-Related Misdemeanor Unit.
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