Just Breathe

by Janette Paul

  She laughed. Didn’t tell him she probably wouldn’t be around for long. Although she couldn’t decide about that either.

  An hour later, she was stuck in peak hour on her way to the yoga school when Leon rang. ‘How’d you feel after your first class?’

  ‘Better than yesterday and it was nice to see Patrick.’

  ‘You’ll get there, babe. You’re strong and you’ve got me.’

  Dee smiled as she squeezed between two cars in the bumper-to-bumper traffic. She might not have made it this far without Leon’s shoulders to blubber on.

  ‘So what did the hospital want?’ he asked.

  She’d ended a phone call with him yesterday when the cardiac ward had rung on the mobile. Her first panicked thought had been for Val. ‘They asked if I’d be interested in doing meditation with patients. Apparently, they were impressed with the way Mum’s blood pressure dropped after the sessions I did with her. They want me to come in and talk to them.’

  ‘That’s great. When?’

  ‘I said I’d get back to them.’

  Leon was quiet for a moment. ‘So did you call that clothing guy?’

  ‘Graeme Paffe?’ He’d phoned almost a week ago, offering her a contract as the official assistant designer on his new yoga clothing range. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘What about Lucy Roxburgh’s guy?’

  ‘Adam Velor.’ He wanted her to audition for another ad campaign. ‘No.’

  ‘Well, what about Health Life? How soon are they starting?’

  The DVD had been given the go-ahead again and they wanted her back. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to them.’

  Up ahead, the lights turned green but the traffic was stalled. Like Dee.

  The weird thing about the way her life came to a bone-crunching halt after Val’s heart attack was that the opportunities that had been circling her like planes in a holding pattern had now landed and were ready for boarding.

  They were all wonderful opportunities, she knew that, but her brain was in neutral. Had slipped there the moment she’d walked away from Ethan, as though she’d reached her limit of emotional turmoil and switched off. Even her anxiety was lethargic. She couldn’t make her brain think about the offers, let alone make any kind of choice. The closest she’d come to deciding anything was to consider running off to India until all her opportunities were forgotten.

  For the moment, she’d told them all she’d think about it.

  ‘It’s just as well breathing is automatic,’ Leon said, ‘or you might not have got around to that either.’ He laughed but Dee could hear the edge of his frustration. ‘Well, while you’ve had your head in the sand, I’ve decided to crank up the yoga-tourism thing.’

  ‘Wow. Already?’ The TV soap Leon and Pam worked on had been cancelled last week, leaving both of them out of jobs.

  ‘It’s the quick or the broke, babe. It’s going to be a while before I can live off teaching yoga. Two regular students won’t pay the Mastercard, so it’s perfect timing to take a group to India. I’m thinking an ashram, a couple of tours, some intense classes and a bit of cash. What do you reckon?’

  Dee tried to get her head around the concept, couldn’t concentrate on the details. ‘Sounds … fine.’

  ‘I’ve got a meeting with a travel agent this afternoon who’s keen to get involved. Told her I know this really cool yoga teacher who’d be great as co-host. So … it looks like it’ll be in August. Are you in?’

  Another offer she couldn’t compute. Dee blurted out the first thing that came to mind. ‘I can’t. I don’t want to know what I’m going to be doing in August. I’m struggling enough with May.’

  There was a long pause from Leon’s end of the line. ‘Okay. Whatever. I gotta go. Have a better day. And Dee? Don’t forget to breathe.’

  He hung up and Dee winced, feeling bad she’d turned him down. If his history was anything to go by, the tour would be a blast and he’d earn a nice hunk of money – but he’d have to do it without her.

  The rousing welcome from her eight o’clock intermediate class told her they were happy to have her back.

  ‘Did you enjoy Pam’s class?’ Dee asked as they lined up on their mats.

  ‘She was enthusiastic.’

  ‘Full of energy.’

  ‘Hyped up as the kids I just dropped off at school. Can we start with meditation?’

  Dee laughed. They could start with whatever they liked. Being back in the classroom was energising. The smell of incense and sweat, the sounds of deep yogic breathing, the sight of twenty people moving together, letting their tension go made Dee realise that, if she was ever going to snap out of neutral and find a forward gear, it would be here. In a classroom. Teaching what she knew.

  ‘Move to the front of your mats for Warrior Pose.’ She waited while they found their positions. ‘Looking straight ahead and with your arms outstretched, bend your forward knee.’ Demonstrating, Dee sank into a deep lunge, felt the muscles in her thigh bunch, looked out along her arm to the unfocused distance.

  She’d spent a lot of time in the Warrior Pose lately. It built courage and focus and strength – and she’d needed all of them. Especially courage – to live with her decision to walk away from Ethan. She kept telling herself that, if it hurt this much now, it would’ve been unbearable if she’d waited. It wasn’t much consolation, though. Particularly as her head hadn’t managed to leave him quite so effectively as the rest of her. He was still in there, lurking in her thoughts.

  After class, she tip-toed upstairs to the apartment and knocked quietly so she didn’t wake the baby. The arrival three weeks early of little Marlee was the only thing besides Val that’d dragged Dee out of her apartment in the last week and a half. She made the trip twice, held the tiny girl, cooed in wonder and was glad Arianne and Howard didn’t press her about the partnership. She hadn’t made any decisions about that either.

  Arianne would be moving down to the South Coast later in the week, but today Dee was taking her and Marlee to the beach for lunch. After a month trapped at home, Arianne couldn’t bear to be inside. They sat at a table on the grass above the sand, surrounded by hungry seagulls. Dee bit into a sushi roll and watched while Arianne freed Marlee from the sling, unbuttoned her blouse and began to feed her. Arianne seemed so well. The held-in-captivity look was gone and she seemed healthy, contented. As if to prove it, she glanced up and smiled.

  ‘Look at me, Dee. I’m a mother.’

  Thank God that opportunity hadn’t presented itself, Dee thought. She doubted she’d ever be able to deal with that kind of future. ‘Does it scare you?’

  ‘Terrifies me. She’s so tiny I keep thinking I’m going to crush her.’

  Dee smiled at how Marlee’s body almost fitted in the palm of Arianne’s hand. ‘I mean, does being a mother scare you? It’s not like you can back out of it now.’

  Arianne frowned. ‘I don’t want to back out. Nothing could ever happen that would make me not want to be her mother. Even if I’m really bad at this and she ends up hating me, it’ll be worth it. For this moment, sitting right here, holding her like this. No matter what else happens, I will have had this.’

  Her words made Dee’s breath catch. She turned away, watched the surf crashing on the beach. ‘I walked away from Ethan because I thought a few good moments weren’t worth getting hurt for.’ She tossed a scrap into the crowd of gulls at their feet. ‘And it’s entirely likely I’ll give up all the fabulous offers piling up around me because I’m scared of a future that might turn belly up.’ She gazed at Marlee sucking vigorously. ‘I can’t be a partner in the yoga school. I don’t want to commit that far into the future.’

  Arianne watched her a moment, maybe absorbing the news. ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘I’m thinking of going to India, do some yoga, travel around a bit.’

  Arianne nodded, as if she’d expected as much. She removed Marlee from her breast, lifted her up to her shoulder and started up a rhythmic patting.

  ‘I’
m so sorry,’ Dee said.

  Arianne pressed her lips together and irritation flashed through her eyes. ‘I’d be happy to accept that if I thought you’d actually made a decision. But you’re still freaking out and it’s easier to run away than to think about it.’

  Dee was taken aback – Arianne didn’t do angry. But then her choice would probably make Arianne and Howard’s life more difficult, at least in the short term. ‘I really wish I could help you out but I just can’t.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry for me. You should be sorry for yourself.’ She lowered Marlee from her shoulder, nestling her in the crook of her arm. ‘What the hell are you doing, Dee? You fobbed off Leon’s proposal like it was cold soup and I bet you haven’t even considered what you might have to offer the school. You’re only the best bloody yoga teacher we’ve got. And what about the rest of it? You’ve got all these amazing opportunities and you’re going to pass them up because you’re freaking out. Fine, pass them up if that’s what you decide. But don’t do it just because you’re scared.’

  What the hell did Arianne know about scared? ‘There’s no decision to make. I don’t want what’s on offer – a well-framed, full-colour future that I can nurture until it’s ripped away from me.’

  Arianne rocked Marlee and watched Dee with frustration. ‘You’re not scared of the future, Dee. You’re scared of having a life.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘Yeah, you are. I’ve watched you run away from it for years. Like when that American guy asked you to go to the States with him. Or when that woman in Queensland offered you her school for almost nothing. Or when that ashram in Perth wanted a manager. After everything you’ve been through, you should be grabbing life with both hands and holding on tight.’

  Dee closed her eyes and remembered how it felt to hold on to Ethan. ‘I don’t want to get hurt.’

  ‘You’re already hurt, Dee. You hurt yourself when you broke up with Ethan.’

  Something huge and painful welled inside her and hurt her some more.

  Arianne took her hand across the table. ‘It’s okay to be happy once in a while.’

  No, it isn’t. Tears filled Dee’s eyes, spilling onto her cheeks. ‘I’m afraid to be happy. The happier I am, the more I could get hurt. I just want to be safe and live without pain.’

  ‘Happiness isn’t a pre-requisite for getting hurt. You can get hit by a truck when you’re miserable. But if you’re happy, at least you can say you had something good and worthwhile in your life at some time. Who wants to be on their death bed thinking, well, gee, I had a safe life? In seventy-odd years, when you’re being put in the ground, I want to order a headstone that tells the world you had a full life. That you had lots of love and pain and happiness and loss, and yoga let you live longer so you could squeeze some more in.’

  Dee wiped her eyes. Could she stand any more pain? Could she let herself be happy?

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Dee rested her head on the picnic table and watched the surf. Arianne said she needed the exercise and had walked home with Marlee in a stroller, but Dee couldn’t bring herself to move.

  Here lies Dee, confused and in neutral.

  She was aware she was in some kind of depression but she didn’t know how to shake it.

  How did she get to this painful point when she’d worked so hard at avoiding it? It was that damn Health Life ad, making her feel her old life wasn’t enough. Her life had been fine. Just fine. Well, up until Leon moved out and she discovered she had no furniture. Actually, it had taken a bad turn when Val blackmailed her with an apartment. No, before then, when she smashed Leon’s car and had no savings to pay for it. To be honest, she was almost on the breadline even then.

  Okay, so her old life hadn’t been fine. And the Health Life ad saved her. And everything since then was exhilarating and fun and full of … Ethan.

  Was she scared of a future or scared of having a life?

  Either way, it didn’t seem to matter – she was still scared. And still depressed. Although neutral felt different now. As though her engine was revving but she needed to find the gearstick before she could go anywhere.

  There was time to kill before the next class, and moving felt more productive than staring at the surf, so she heaved herself up and wandered back to the car. The afternoon seemed oddly empty without Lucy’s class to drag her across town. It still hurt that she hadn’t called but there were bigger issues to deal with right now. Stay or go? Safety or happiness? Arianne was right. She needed to make a decision, not just run away. She owed that much to her friends. Maybe she owed it to herself as well.

  She drove to the shopping centre, looked at sofas in a store window, signed on at an internet café. She hadn’t checked her account since Val was rushed to hospital, and there were a zillion emails, at least half of them from her mother. Dee guessed the computer was filling in for her social life while she recuperated at home. She deleted them in blocks, almost missing the single one Val hadn’t forwarded to her entire mailing list.

  I’ve just been notified that Auntie May’s money will be transferred to my account next week. I’d like you to buy an apartment but a business can be a good investment too. The money is yours so what you spend it on is your decision. Although it might be a good idea to get some financial advice before committing to anything. I’m sure Ethan would talk to you about that. I’m looking forward to hearing what you decide to do. Love, Mum.

  Neither Dee nor Val had mentioned their conversation in the hospital since the procedure but there was a softening in her mother’s attitude. She called her Dee now, and that felt like a major shift. Dee read the email three times. The money put the partnership offer in a different light. Not such a big loan. It might mean five years of repayments instead of fifteen. She wished she could ask Ethan about it.

  Scrolling down, she found a message from Emily’s husband, Mike.

  It’s taken me a while to be able to thank the people who were so kind to us during Emily’s illness. I’d like to say more but for now just want to say thank you, Dee, for being there for us. Lauren is keen to start yoga but when she rang the school, she was told you weren’t teaching for a while. It’d be great if you’d let us know when you get back. She’s struggling a bit and I think it would help. Mike.

  Dee remembered how she’d felt in the months after her father died: alone, sad, different from her friends.

  Mike, so glad to hear from you. I’m back at the school this week. The 6 p.m. Tuesday class might suit Lauren. Hope to see all of you soon. Dee.

  She drove to the school, parked out front and said hello to the guy who rented storage space on the lower level. Then she paused a moment, poking her head through his door. It was floor to ceiling furniture in there – Asian, dark timber, at least a container load. Hard to tell how big the room was with all that stuff but it must be the same size as the yoga room upstairs. Plenty big enough for a class. Maybe they could run two lessons at once.

  Upstairs, she dragged out the yoga mats, lit the incense and heard her phone ringing.

  ‘Dee, I’ve just heard about your mum. I’m so sorry. Is she okay?’

  It was Lucy, and the sound of her voice made Dee’s face heat up.

  ‘She’s a lot better now, thanks.’ She wanted to say more but didn’t know how or where to start.

  ‘I flew in this afternoon and I’m still catching up on all the news. You go away for two weeks and it’s like you’ve left the planet.’

  Dee frowned. ‘Where have you been?’

  ‘The States.’ She said it as though it was obvious, then paused as if she was recalculating. ‘I thought you knew. John’s father had a turn and we had to rush to the States to say goodbye. It was horrible. We didn’t think we’d make it in time, then a couple of days later he perked up. Surprised everyone. He went home three days ago and we got on a flight the same afternoon.’

  Lucy hadn’t deserted her after all. ‘I’m so glad everything’s okay.’

  ‘And I can’t wa
it to tell you.’ Lucy lowered her voice. ‘It’s all hush-hush at the moment, and I thought it was just stress, but I took a test over there and I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Oh, Lucy, I’m so happy for you.’ Happy that Lucy had what she wanted, happy that she wanted to tell her. Happy felt good. She tipped her head back, enjoying the sensation, and caught sight of the clock on the wall. Students would be arriving in five minutes. She walked to the windows, pulling down blinds. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘I’m great. Haven’t thrown up or anything. But I’m going to need some serious yoga. We could only get seats in economy on the way home and my back’s killing me. I hope you haven’t given my lesson time away.’

  Dee thought about the hole in her afternoon schedule, remembered how it got there. ‘No, I haven’t, but about –’

  ‘Look, Dee,’ Lucy interrupted, ‘about what happened at Ethan’s. I wanted to call you but then we had to leave and I didn’t get back to you in the rush. It’s just that I got a little over-protective.’

  ‘Of Ethan?’ He hardly needed protection from a younger sister.

  ‘No, of you. I didn’t want him screwing you around. I thought he was trying to hook you into the Roxburgh Girl thing and I was pretty sure you weren’t into that. Then, when I saw you there, I was just so surprised. It never occurred to me you’d be into him.’

  ‘What do you mean the Roxburgh Girl thing?’

  ‘The publicity circuit. It’s my fault, really. I organised a couple of PR-type dates after his divorce to keep the paparazzi at bay. Then he figured if he kept showing up to places with gorgeous women, the media wouldn’t look any deeper and he could explore other relationships out of the spotlight. If they don’t work, he doesn’t have to relive them in the gossip columns, like he did when his marriage fell apart.’

  Dee moved to the next window, squinting in the afternoon sun. ‘The Roxburgh Girls are publicity stunts?’

  ‘I’d prefer to call them photo opportunities.’