“You’re okay,” murmured the person soothingly. He let go of my hair, gently brushing his fingers through it, then softly washed my face with a warm cloth. I was too exhausted to fully dwell on it, but the person was Jeremy. He was being so tender, kind, I couldn’t help it, I was jealous of Kenzie. Was he always this gentle with her, this sweet?
He brushed away the tears that fell down my face, taking me in his arms, rocking me gently. It was comforting.
My mind was beginning to focus, though I didn’t really want it to. It was nice being like this—with Jeremy, not knowing why, or how, just being. But we were sitting on the cold tile of Sawyer’s bathroom and I couldn’t help wondering how we got here, or where Sawyer was. Still, I was too dazed to work up much curiosity. Instead I just took simple pleasure in being held tenderly by Jeremy.
Slowly, I gained presence of mind, remembered my last conscious thoughts. We had been at a party. The Clutch was playing there. That’s the last thing I remembered. “Why am I so sick?” I groaned, still clinging to Jeremy, my head resting on his chest.
“Wine,” he answered softly, as he played with my hair. “Lots of wine.”
“I’m Jodi,” I confessed, wishing I didn’t have to, wishing I could just let him keep thinking I was still Kenzie so I could stay wrapped in his arms.
“I know,” he said softly, kissing the top of my head.
A tear slid down my face. He blotted the tear away with his T-shirt. Another one escaped right after. And another. Jeremy handed me a tissue, still holding me in his arms. Reluctantly, I pulled away from him, dabbing at my eyes, wiping my nose. The room tilted in an odd angle. I shook my head, trying to clear my mind. “Where’s Sawyer?”
“Crashed out. Zack and Micah too.”
“I got drunk, huh?”
“We all did.” He leaned his head back against the wall, looking tired. Exhausted. Yet he’d stayed up with Kenzie, took care of her.
I watched him close his eyes, then I got brave enough to ask, “You like Kenzie a lot, huh?”
“Well,” he kept his eyes shut, but a lazy smile crept across his lips, “she’s really good looking.”
I blushed, happy at his answer. Too happy. Using the sink for support, I rose to my feet. “I don’t suppose you’d tell me what we did tonight,” I said as I looked at my frightful image in the mirror.
“We partied.” He stayed leaning against the bathroom wall, making no move to get off the floor.
“Could you do me a favor?” Really, I had a bunch of favors I wanted to ask him—the main being, could he stay away from Kenzie. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually ask it aloud. Instead I said, “Could you not let Kenzie drink? I mean, this is my body.”
Jeremy gave a small smile at that. “I’ll try.”
I got out Sawyer’s toothbrush, and squeezed some paste on, then some more. I brushed, and re-brushed my teeth, trying to get the awful taste out of my mouth. Jeremy sat on the floor watching me, and I wondered if he remembered that he brushed my teeth for me before. I’d broken my arm when I accidently rode my bike into a ditch. The next morning, I was sore all over and couldn’t use my right arm. So Jeremy got me ready that day.
He’d washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and helped me get dressed. He even chose the clothes that I was going to wear. The memory made me laugh, and then cry. Still, he just sat on the floor, watching me. I think he knew all the strange, mixed up feelings he stirred in me. I think maybe I stirred the same confused feelings in him.
I sighed. “What’s Kenzie like?”
He gave a tiny smile, then shook his head. “I don’t know. I really don’t. She’s not you, though. She has this whole other story. Like, she used to be poor—really poor.”
I tilted my head, sort of shocked. I’d given myself a whole different history. How creepy.
Jeremy gave a little laugh. “That’s it, though. She doesn’t really like to talk.”
I flushed, figuring I knew what she liked to do instead of talking. “Could you maybe—not hang around her?”
He leaned his head back on the wall. “Don’t ask me that.”
We were silent a moment, then he got up and said, “Come on. It’s late.”
He helped make me a bed on the couch and I snuggled up in a blanket, needing to get rid of the chills being Kenzie always caused, the violent shivers that seeped through my body.
“Goodnight.” Jeremy kissed me softly on the cheek. For a moment our eyes met. We were so close, it seemed he was going kiss me, kiss me for real. But then, he didn’t. He took a few steps back instead. But he didn’t leave. Or take his eyes off me.
“Jodi, I can’t push her away. But I’ll watch over her okay? I won’t let her drink or smoke or get into trouble. But you can’t ask me to push her away. I’m not programmed to say no—not when she looks like you … smells like you.”
It seemed he was going to go on, say more. But he didn’t, he stopped himself and shook his head. He backed away even further. “Goodnight Jodi.” His eyes lingered on me a moment, then he turned out the light and left the room.
Of course I cried when he left. I always cried when he left.
***
I tossed around, tangled in my sheets.
Daddy’s all bloody. He shows me his heart. “I did it for you.”
He uses the blood to write on the wall.
“Watch out for the shadows!”
CHAPTER 19
It was good that I had the band to help me out—to guard me from other people. Help keep my secret. But how long could that last? They couldn’t be with me every moment of every day, though I wished they could.
Things were getting scary. Kenzie was popping up more and more. Yesterday she’d shown up at school. Luckily, Micah saw her walking around before anyone noticed. He saved me. He got the band together and I woke up at the park, under their protective care. I was still thinking about what would have happened if Micah hadn’t noticed Kenzie wandering around school, looking for Jeremy. Maybe she would have started hacking people up with an axe, shouting, “Where is he! Tell me where he is!” You know, like Dad looking for Kiki in my dream.
The thought made me shudder as I sat in the noisy cafeteria.
“Never again, Zack!”
Hearing the fight snapped out of my daze. It was Eve screaming at Zack. She tried to slap him, but Zack grabbed her wrist.
“Calm down,” he said levelly, then under his breath added, “Psycho woman.”
Eve clawed at his face, getting him good. Zack pushed her back, hard, just to get her away, but she stumbled back, into the mob of onlookers. For a moment it seemed she was going to go ballistic—start foaming at the mouth. But she didn’t. Instead she pushed past the crowd, heading for the cafeteria door, crying.
I looked over at Sawyer. He just shrugged. “That’s the way they are.”
Zack came over to our table, swearing. “I’m bleeding,” he said. He pulled his hand away from his neck, showing us the gouge Eve had made. “No more hell cats for me,” he said. “I mean it. I swear. The next girl I get is going to be sweet and nice—like Jodi.”
I jerked my head up, probably beaming. What a nice thing to say. I mean, Zack was a pretty tough guy. I always kind of worried what he was thinking—’cause he stared at me a lot. And when he wasn’t smiling he looked kind of evil. I think it was because he always dressed dark. And I recently learned his dad was in jail. Again. Plus, he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world. Not like the rest of the band. There was just something … dark about him.
But right now, he had me all warm inside. I smiled up at him, waiting for him to go on.
“Could you conjure up another personality—one for me?” Zack drawled, his eyes gleaming. “Not like Kenzie. She’s too wild. More like you—sweet. Only, make her really easy.”
My smile fell. I knew he was only teasing, but I felt as though I’d been punched in the stomach. It hurt to hear him bring up my “problem” so casually.
I glanced around the crowded
cafeteria, worried that someone had overheard.
“Oh, hey.” Zack’s dark eyes turned concerned, full of apologies. “I was only messing around.” He leaned in close and said, “Don’t worry. No one heard. I’m sorry. That was stupid.”
“Yeah, it was,” Micah agreed, playfully chucking him in the head.
I tried to assure him that it was okay. That I knew he was only teasing. But inside, I felt sick. I hated people knowing about Kenzie. Even The Clutch. Because there was always that chance they might slip and tell other people. I knew they wouldn’t do it on purpose. But they might just be kidding around, like Zack did just now, only slip and do it in front of someone outside the band. Suddenly—again—I felt vulnerable.
It sucked being crazy.
***
Mmmmm.
I woke in an excited frenzy. I’d been in a dreamy, yummy stupor. But something was wrong. I was being pushed away—gently, but still, pushed away.
My hands were grasping, finding hard, solid flesh. The guy let out a groan.
“Stop, okay? You’re killing me.” The words were said in a laugh. Gentle but firm. One strong hand held me by my wrists, keeping me away from him. “Seriously, we can’t.” The other hand stroked my hair. “Come on, I’ll make you dinner—anything you want.” He tried pulling me up, but I was too tired. Everything was hazy; the world foggy … woozy. I didn’t mind though. It was nice … so nice. I snuggled into his shoulder and he groaned again, only it was sort of a purr. I felt him reluctantly relent; sit back. I kissed soft lips … and … they hesitantly … tentatively kissed me back.
Yummy.
More. I wanted more.
The lips laughed softly … a husky nice sound … but no. They wouldn’t kiss me more. Instead, the hands were back on my shoulders, pushing me away again, away from his mouth, but then … mmm … I scooted back into his warm embrace. My head nuzzled against his strong chest and I could feel his heart beating fast. Splennnndor. I could stay wrapped in these arms, with this heart, forever.
But slowly, my mind was beginning to focus. This wasn’t Sawyer holding me, wasn’t Sawyer stroking my hair. I didn’t even have to open my eyes. I knew this wasn’t him. I’d just been Kenzie … so this was … I groaned, pulling away.
“No!” I pounded my fist on Jeremy’s chest. “No!”
“Sorry,” he murmured, letting me go. He raked his hands through his disheveled hair, watching me pull away. He raised an eyebrow. “But Kenzie didn’t drink. Or smoke.”
I knew he was trying to say he did as I asked—but he didn’t. Not really. Kenzie had just been making out with him here on Sawyer’s couch, apparently. That was the total opposite of what I’d asked.
“Jodi’s back,” Zack said. He and Micah were at the desktop computer across the room. “We were looking up split personalities,” he said, showing me the screen, apparently trying to divert my anger from Jeremy.
Sawyer came into the room with a soda and a sandwich, looking at me uncertainly. “Jodi?”
“Why’d you let me do that?” I snapped. If the room hadn’t been spinning so violently I would have stormed away, but as it was, all I could do was glare at Sawyer, shoot him death-rays with my eyes.
“Do what? I went to make a sandwich.” He lifted the evidence. “I couldn’t take watching Kenzie make moves on Jeremy—sorry.” He ran his hands over his face, then exhaled. “Jodi, I can’t control Kenzie.” He shot a sidelong look to Jeremy, then his gaze turned back to me, totally forthright. “She only listens to Jeremy.”
I couldn’t look at Jeremy. Couldn’t look at any of them. I felt betrayed. This wasn’t fair. It was humiliating. I felt taken advantage of.
Finally, I could move. I stormed out of the room, then out of the house.
Sawyer followed, silent. I was silent too, but seething. We got into the car; neither of us spoke for most of the ride home.
“Look, they don’t have sex, Jodi, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Sawyer said, finally breaking the silence. Then he shook his head warily. “Not that Kenzie’s not hot for it. Seriously hot for it. But Jeremy won’t be alone with her. That’s why he stays with the band when she’s around—to try to keep things platonic.”
I clamped my lips shut. Bit them together tight, so I wouldn’t scream.
I guess that was nice of Jeremy—in his mind. I guess. I hadn’t thought about it like that—him trying to appease both her and me. I’d only thought I was being betrayed. And I was.
But maybe not so much by Jeremy.
Sawyer went on after a moment. I guess figuring he might as well get all the bad news out at once. “By the way, Kenzie hates the rest of the band now,” he said. “She wants us gone. Seriously. She’s kind of a maniac—a total witch. I swear. She wants Jeremy alone, and that’s all she wants.” Sawyer gave me a sidelong look before going on, his voice strained. “Sorry. But, like I said, she’s not you.”
“It is me,” I cried. “Kenzie is me.”
He shook his head. “She’s not. She’s nothing like you. She doesn’t talk like you, she doesn’t act like you. She was raised in a trailer, her dad sold pot, her boyfriend used to beat her up—she’s not you.”
I started shaking. Really bad. “She said all that?”
“Yeah, today. When Jeremy wouldn’t let her drink. She said she’s been drinking since she was twelve.”
A chill went through me. I clutched my stomach, doubling over. Why would I make that stuff up? Who was this Kenzie? What was going on in my brain? Why was she here? I had all these questions, yet all I said was, “You should be my friend. Keep Kenzie away from Jeremy.”
He shook his head, setting his jaw. “Jodi, you’re not getting it. Kenzie’s violent. And a total freak. Seriously. She’s glued to Jeremy. He like … babysits her.”
He never told me any of this before. Any of it. Probably to protect me. It seemed the band was always trying to do that—shield me from the truth. But hearing this now, it made all my worries about axes and violence and blood swirl around in my brain. Made me dizzy. I doubled over again, rubbing my face with the palms of my hands. “Kenzie’s violent?”
Sawyer flicked me a sympathetic look, then nodded. “When she doesn’t get her way.” He took his gaze from the road and glanced at me again. “Sorry.”
Geez, this sucked. The fight went all out of me.
Sawyer just shook his head, like he wasn’t even going to talk about it. But then he let out a breath. “Jodi, you have problems.”
“Yeah. No kidding.”
“I meant with trust.”
I fought back tears—Yeah. No kidding. But I said nothing. When I got home, I had email from Jeremy. I took a deep breath before reading it, then squeezed my eyes shut, reading it again.
Hey Jodi, I’m sorry I made you so mad. But I told you, I can’t push Kenzie away. I told you that.
Only it’s you … right? Is it? Somewhere in there, it’s you? Like … subconsciously you want to be with me?
***
I let out a scream, sopping in sweat. I knew I was dreaming, but the screams came anyway.
Nonsensical swirls of blood drip from the walls. Their message switching like the flashes from a neon sign. Jodi, Go Hospital … Watch out for the shadows … Jodi, Go Hospital … Watch out for the shadows.
CHAPTER 20
I hate working with Nora at Looks. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Her boyfriend always comes in the store. He’s old and yuck and flirts with me right in front of her. Then, Nora always gets really hostile with me—like it was my fault. So, I’m always glad when I get to work with Tori, the assistant manager, instead. She’s a total gabber, though. She can’t stop talking. But it’s way better than Nora’s dagger stares.
Tonight though, the store was dead, so Tori’s chatter was getting to me, big time. I was about ready to hang myself, but then Jeremy wandered through the door. Jeremy! Seeing him, I did a double-take. He worked right next-door now, at The Game Shop with Sawyer.
When I first found tha
t out I was all, “But that’s right next to my store.”
Sawyer had laughed at that, patting my head like I was a small child afraid of monsters under the bed. “He’s not stalking you, Jodi. He started working there the same time I did. He just took a break for the summer. Had a better paying job teaching kids the guitar at a day camp.” Sawyer brushed back my hair, his eyes twinkling. “You going to be okay?”
It turned out to be a total non-issue. Jeremy never even came into Looks. Not once.
Until tonight.
Seeing him now, my heart got all twisty and spastic and I actually started to sweat. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen him since I’d come to kissing him on Sawyer’s couch. I had. At school. But we hadn’t talked and I was avoiding him and I think Jeremy knew that. Which was fine. I guess. As long as he didn’t know I thought about his kiss … all the time. Thought about how warm it made me feel. Longed for it. Missed it. So much.
Too much. It was wrong. It made me instinctively grasp my rubber bands—clasp on to them for emotional support, like I would Sawyer if he were here.
My palms sweating, I watched Jeremy from the corner of my eye. Watched him saunter to the back of the store where Tori and I were shooting price tags on the new shipment of clothes.
“You guys are dead tonight too, huh?”
Tori glanced up at Jeremy, surprised as she hadn’t seen him come in. Her eyes immediately lit up with interest. “You work next door, don’t you?”
She targeted in on unsuspecting Jeremy, giving him the once-over about three times. “I’m Tori.” Without tearing her eyes from him, she gave me a quick dismissal, handing me an armful of clothes, murmuring, “Hang these up.”
Jeremy gave me a puzzled smile as he was left alone with jabber-box.
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